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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DH taking DS abroad?

300 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 12:42

I have got a week off work in October where me, DS, my mom and my sister's two children are going to Butlins for 5 days. My husband can't come as he is a teacher and it is outside of his school's half term.

Today, whilst chatting to DH he said he wanted to take DS abroad during his 1/2 term week. I thought he was joking at first and I was going along with it, joking about how much I would love the peace and quiet etc but it turns out he's completely serious.

DS will be 2yr 7m at the time of the trip.

DH is planning on going to Spain for 5 nights and is currently researching the best places to go. I know I can't stop them going but AIBU for being so upset about it?

I'm not upset about them going on holiday without me, I just can't bear the thought of how much I'm going to miss DS.

When I realised DH was being serious I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of being away from DS for so long, especially with him being in a different country.

DS is very attached to me and DH thinks it will be beneficial to DS to have some time away from me, to help his confidence or independence or whatever reason DH came up with, but I don't know if I will be able to cope. I keep having these visions of DS wanting me and crying for me and me not being there to comfort him.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously irrational or whether this is a completely normal motherly reaction to the thought of being separated from my toddler for so long?

OP posts:
OohMavis · 05/08/2016 13:09

You trust DH to be an effective, competent parent I assume?

You'll just miss your little toddler for a bit, that's all Smile think about how great it will be for DS and DH to have so much 1-1 time and focus on that.

And set up Skype!

HumphreyCobblers · 05/08/2016 13:10

My youngest child does not have additional needs but I would still feel sad about being away from him for five days. DH would too.

It is ok to feel like that and want to talk about it! The OP has not said she will stop them going.

I would struggle with missing him too OP, whereas I manage fine with my older children on residential trips etc.

NickiFury · 05/08/2016 13:11

But the bit about unpleasant posters certainly was, just to clarify.

quasibex · 05/08/2016 13:11

I understand where you are coming from. Both my daughter's are away for a week next week with my in laws because we can't get time off in the holidays to go as a family. Rationally I've agreed to the holiday, the girls will have a wonderful time with just their grandparents and as corny as it sounds it really is putting away special memories for when the grandparents aren't around anymore.

However, emotionally I'm in bits about it and already started feeling sick about being away from them for such a long time. Some parents are happy to see child free time as "me time". I see it as torture. This is my problem, not my children's and it's selfish of me to take away a holiday and quality time with people they love (and who love them in return) because of my issues.

You can't change how you feel but please don't project this onto your husband or son. This is will be a wonderful time for them, especially if your husband doesn't often get much time to just be a daddy. Try and make sure you can Skype each other once a day just so you can see your family when chatting to them, but only once a day.

You'd should be happy that your husband WANTS to holiday with his son and have quality time together. I know quite a few men that'd just have a golfing holiday (or similar) instead if they missed the family break.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 05/08/2016 13:12

I'm a teacher and intrigued as to what teaching job your husband has that involves frequent trips abroad...are there any vacancies?! Grin

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/08/2016 13:13

I'd feel the same too, OP. My children were both v attached to me at that age (one still is that age) and actually my dh wouldn't have considered taking either of them away from me for that long abroad, he wouldn't have done it to me or them.

I'm not saying this is what you should do, but being completely honest about what I would do if my dh suggested this, I would have no problem saying no that's it's too much. Your ds is too young to really miss out on anything by waiting till he's older, and surely your dh can still have the week off with him and spend the money on lots of days out more suited to what a 2 year old would enjoy than a trip to Spain. He gets to spend a lot of time with dad without being apart from his mum, and gets to tell you all about it, nothing so drastic for everybody. But next half term, book the time off together as a family and all go.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 05/08/2016 13:18

YABVU, why should he not get to take a holiday alone with his son when you are? You could have just gone at half term with him or booked a week another time together.

Good for him, why should he miss out on a break after working hard all year as his wife picked a vacation time knowing he couldn't come.

HateSummer · 05/08/2016 13:18

Yabu. For all the reasons stated above.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 13:18

Thanks everyone for the supportive replies to reassure me that I'm not being completely insane.

Me and DH were just talking about it and I got really tearful and said I would miss DS so much. I also said that I'm happy for them to go (ish) as I know it will be great for them and I will just have to find a way to deal with it.

magical - he's a PE teacher so does a lot of Ski trips in that realm, but he also goes on the standard school trips to Paris and Barcelona to keep all the teenage boys in check Grin

OP posts:
SatsukiKusakabe · 05/08/2016 13:19

I hate all this "get a grip" stuff when mothers show some kind of perceived excessive attachment to their children. It's natural; however great the dads are, however important the rest of your life, it's normal to feel this way about parting from your toddler, and it's individual choice when you are ready for this. 2y old is a baby, she's not holding him back in life because she doesn't want him to go abroad without her yet, just because others are happy with it, people can do things differently.

NickiFury · 05/08/2016 13:20

Couldn't agree more Satsuki.

MephistoMarley · 05/08/2016 13:22

It's ok to feel worried and anxious but it's not ok to prevent them from going because of it.

LunaLoveg00d · 05/08/2016 13:23

I don' t think it's healthy for a child - once past the newborn stage - to be so attached to one parent that they cannot spend a night apart from the other parent. It's not healthy for the child, or for the parent.

And in my experience, with the parents who say "oh my child can't bear to be apart from me overnight", it's not the children who are the problem. They may whinge and whine a bit initially, but if they are with a trusted adult they are absolutely fine. It's the adult who has the hang-ups and the issues, the adult who struggles to cope, feels lonely and misses the child.

The poster who says "it's too much" means it's too much for HER. As a parent part of the job is taking a step back and working out what's best for the child. And a child going to Spain with a loving, capable Dad and getting some one-to-one boys' time without Mum sounds amazing. Their relationship will be so much stronger after some time together, and that won't damage a relationship with Mum either.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 13:23

Good for him, why should he miss out on a break after working hard all year as his wife picked a vacation time knowing he couldn't come.

The reason we've had to go to Butlins in the week we are going is because that's the 1/2 term week of my sister's children's school therefore is the only time we could take them.

Me, DH and DS obviously go on family holidays, it isn't as though we only get one chance a year and I'm going away without him. DH gets 13 weeks off a year so me going to Butlins for a week hardly impedes on our own family holiday time.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 05/08/2016 13:24

You're not crazy but with 3 children I'd love DH to take them away for a week Wink

It is fine to miss your child though and to worry about him when you're not with him.

Mine are older and the longest I've ever been away from them is 48 hours and that has been when we have all been in the same country.

Just plan some nice evenings for when they're away for yourself and enjoy the peace and quiet.

whattodowiththepoo · 05/08/2016 13:26

Yabu I'm afraid, selfish but it's understandable.

WheresLarry · 05/08/2016 13:27

Satsuki I assume you are going to also tell the OP that she shouldn't be taking her DS to butlins for the same length of time without her DH as that''s also not fair? Or is it only mums that children shouldn't be away from for that long?

OP, of course you are going to miss your DS, that's fine and understandable, but it wouldn't be fair to make your DH feel guilty over it (not saying that you will, but you may struggle to hide your emotions and make it obvious you are sad and upset).

WheresLarry · 05/08/2016 13:28

Slow typer, seems a few more replies since I started.

NickiFury · 05/08/2016 13:31

Where does Satsuki say it's "not fair"? She's not saying that at all. She's saying she would do things differently than the OP and many of the other posters aggressively telling the OP how ridiculous she's being.

beachbaby18 · 05/08/2016 13:31

YANBU I would hate my dh to take ds away for two days let alone five days. My ds is still breastfed and I have never spent a night apart from him.

He took our ds away for a week alone when she was six yrs old and she rang me every day crying. Ds is now 13 yrs and remembers her holiday without me as a bad memory.

Nope, I would be worried sick!

Bear2014 · 05/08/2016 13:32

Flowers OP - I would be totally bereft without my 2.7 year old, the longest we have ever been apart is 24 hours. Even if you know they are fine and they will have a great time, it's very very hard.

It sounds like your OH is very excited to have some bonding time so you might have to let it go but I don't think YBU to be upset. Could they not go on a couple of shorter trips with a day at home in the middle?

beachbaby18 · 05/08/2016 13:33

Dd not ds!!!!

Ds is 18 months old and dd is 13 yrs old!

trafalgargal · 05/08/2016 13:36

So you and DS will be 2 hours away from home at Butlins and DH and DS will be a two hour flight away in Spain .

Sounds pretty much the same . How lovely DS gets two lovely holidays with people who love him instead of just one (and at least one should have good weather too)

Sometimes when you are a parent you do stuff to give your child a nicer time even if it's at your expense. To say no would be really selfish unless you think your DH wouldn't take good care of him.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 05/08/2016 13:38

Depends on the child and parent I say. If he's a good capable father and your son would be ok to be away from you, fine.

I know my ds would've been upset being away from me that long as I was main carer and he wasn't as close to his dad, plus his dad would probably forget to feed him/change his nappy so I wouldn't have allowed it. That's my experience though

HeteronormativeHaybales · 05/08/2016 13:39

beachbaby - now that does sound unreasonable, tbh. 'Worried sick' that your dc is with your dh? (OK, if bf at night I wouldn't be away from them either). What on earth was going on that your 6 (!)yo rang you every day crying? Either your dh is not fit to be alone with your dc full stop - in which case I'm not sure why you're with him - or you've been encouraging an exclusive bond to you and rather shutting your dh out. Not fair on him or the dc.

We've both taken our two older dc away alone on a regular basis and they love their time away with dh. OP, I'm not sure I can say YANBU to feel this way and mean it honestly, as your upset does seem a little excessive, but you feel how you feel. YWBU to stop them going, but you know this.