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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DH taking DS abroad?

300 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 12:42

I have got a week off work in October where me, DS, my mom and my sister's two children are going to Butlins for 5 days. My husband can't come as he is a teacher and it is outside of his school's half term.

Today, whilst chatting to DH he said he wanted to take DS abroad during his 1/2 term week. I thought he was joking at first and I was going along with it, joking about how much I would love the peace and quiet etc but it turns out he's completely serious.

DS will be 2yr 7m at the time of the trip.

DH is planning on going to Spain for 5 nights and is currently researching the best places to go. I know I can't stop them going but AIBU for being so upset about it?

I'm not upset about them going on holiday without me, I just can't bear the thought of how much I'm going to miss DS.

When I realised DH was being serious I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of being away from DS for so long, especially with him being in a different country.

DS is very attached to me and DH thinks it will be beneficial to DS to have some time away from me, to help his confidence or independence or whatever reason DH came up with, but I don't know if I will be able to cope. I keep having these visions of DS wanting me and crying for me and me not being there to comfort him.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously irrational or whether this is a completely normal motherly reaction to the thought of being separated from my toddler for so long?

OP posts:
TimeforaNNChange · 05/08/2016 17:18

Talk about catastrophising - the likelyhood of the OPs DS being hospitalised is tiny (unless I've missed a post saying he's immunocomrpomised) and can't be a rational justification for not holidaying abroad, surely? How many toddlers travel overseas every year with absolutely no illness or ill effects at all?

OP your willingness to accept a holiday in the UK but not overseas due to the distance indicates how you are being motivated by emotion, not logic. Being abroad with suitable insurance is no more risky than being an equivalent travelling distance way in the uk.

I'd think very carefully about the long term consequences on your relationship before you ask your DH not to do this. It will be hard for him not to feel that his parenting was being judged by you - and your relationship already withstands the strain of regular separations.

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/08/2016 17:18

My children would be absolutely fine with my dh in any of circumstances described. That isn't to say though that I'd want him to take them abroad as toddlers, it's not all or nothing. They would still always prefer to be with me, given a choice. My ds always calls for his dad first at night as he's used to it being him. His preference is still for me, despite this. We alternate reading them stories and putting them to bed. Every night they fight over who gets me doing it, despite dh always having done it too, and done their bath and night wakings since small.

Parenting choices cannot always dictate the needs and wants of the individual child.

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/08/2016 17:21

I'd think very carefully about the long term consequences on your relationship before you ask your DH not to do this.

And this is not catastrophising? Grin

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/08/2016 17:22

Toddlers are expected to be a lot more resilient than husbands, it seems.

NickiFury · 05/08/2016 17:28

It will be hard for him not to feel that his parenting was being judged by you - and your relationship already withstands the strain of regular separations.

Or he is a loving and thoughtful husband that just thinks "oh bless her, she will struggle without DS for that long, I will leave it for a bit"

You know, like a normal loving husband in a normal loving and close relationship"

Sheesh some of the crap I read on here Hmm

TimeforaNNChange · 05/08/2016 17:53

oh bless her, she will struggle without DS for that long, I will leave it for a bit

Eugh. I'd hate to be viewed like that by my DH. Patronising crap.

NickiFury · 05/08/2016 18:11

And I would hate for any human emotion I had to be pondered on by my significant other and made All About Them And How It Made Them Feel with threats of relationships being irreparably damaged because I felt a bit shaky about something to do with my child. I've been in a relationship like that and it was stressful and often sailed very close to me being bullied into doing stuff I wasn't comfortable with regards to my children.

But you know horses for courses.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 18:12

It's not patronising when he knows I would struggle. The longest I have been away from DS is 48 hours and this occurs at least once a month and I hate it. I miss him so much. When I'm away from him for those 48 hours I'm only about 9 miles away and that's still enough to make me miss him let alone him being in a whole other country.

I have no doubt at all about my DH's ability to look after him, he's a brilliant hands on dad, but I just can't have DS so far away from me.

DH knows my main reservations are about the distance and so we are trying to compromise so they still go away together but it's somewhere in this Country instead.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 05/08/2016 18:18

No it isn't patronising it's considering your SO's feelings when making choices for your joint children; compromise. Not just bull dozing through and using emotional blackmail of "our relationship may suffer if I am not allowed to do what I want" whatever your concerns are.

roundaboutthetown · 05/08/2016 18:40

TimeforaNNChange - you clearly know bugger all about things going wrong on a foreign holiday if you think it's no more risky or complicated than something going wrong five minutes down the road from home.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/08/2016 18:47

OP, do you think maybe now's the time to start building your resilience around being apart from him? Just in case, say, you were unwell and had to stay in hospital, or if you and your husband decide to send him to nursery?

Shizzlestix · 05/08/2016 19:11

Your DH is a Spanish teacher? I think it's a bit U that he's going alone. Why can't he organise a holiday for all of you? Why can't you? I wouldn't be happy to go away-unrelated to work-without my DC or DH.

EllsTeeth · 05/08/2016 20:08

Going to nursery for a few hours a day is hardly the same as going abroad for 5 days!!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 23:34

suburban - DS goes to a nursery twice a week. He's been in childcare since I returned to work when he was 10 months old.

shizzlestix - he's a PE teacher. We do go on holiday together, we've already got two booked for next year, this situation has only arisen because the week I have off in October isn't the same week that he has off.

I spoke to my sister about it tonight and she said that although she was always happy for me and my mom to take her children away for a week each year she wouldn't have allowed us to take them abroad when they were so young. She said she just wouldn't have felt comfortable with it. Her children are 6 and 8 now and she said she'd be ok with them going abroad without her at this age, but certainly not when they were younger.

I have spoken to DH about it a bit more this evening and he made a comment about me denying our DS a "life experience" because of my own hang-ups..... I was like, "He's two years old, he has plenty of time for life experiences." I'm not actually sure what life experiences Spain has to offer though....

Like I have said, although I will miss DS I will cope with being away from him for 5 days if I have to, I just don't want him being abroad and so far away from me. The compromise would be that DH take him somewhere in this country but DH isn't really budging as he said he wants to go somewhere warm. Is it even warm in Spain in October?

OP posts:
MaudGonneMad · 05/08/2016 23:41

What your sister would have done is not really comparable - in this case your DS is going with a parent, not extended family.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 23:53

They are comparable because with both of us it's not about who the child is with (as it's not about who you trust to look after your child) the issue is how far away the children are and that doesn't change whether the child is with extended family or with the other parent.

The distance is the problem, nothing else.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 00:00

The distance is a problem for you OP. It obviously isn't for his dad and may not be for your son. If you don't let him go you'll never know.

But it sounds like you've made it clear to your DH that you will be very unhappy if he takes his son to Spain, so I wouldn't be surprised if he cancels the trip to keep you happy.

Rainbowunicorn73 · 06/08/2016 00:03

Could he not take him away somewhere closer for maybe 3 nights, with an aim of going to Spain the same time next year for a full week? Just ease yourselves into it a bit more?
I do think it's lovely that he wants to do it though!

Rainbowunicorn73 · 06/08/2016 00:05

Whoops sorry, just saw the bit where you said that you'd already suggested that!!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 00:07

He hasn't booked it yet, he was going to but saw I didn't feel completely ok with it so he said he'll leave it for a few days so I can have some time to think about it and then we can come to a decision.

He said he won't take DS if he knows I'm going to spend the time worrying as he would want me to enjoy having a break from Motherhood not be upset and anxious.

I honestly don't know what to do. I keep going from feeling fine about it to then having feelings of dread about it. Maybe things will be a bit clearer after I've had some sleep and I will discuss it again with DH in the morning.

OP posts:
user1466690252 · 06/08/2016 00:08

I get the abroad thing and my ds go away to grandparents 3 hours away regularly. Abroad is different and i wouldnt be comfortable. I would however, bite his hand off for a break and suggest a great uk bonding experience. Loads of places a 2yr old would rather go in the uk anyway!

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 00:11

I think it's really sad that the OP is basically saying she doesn't think her own husband is capable of parenting his own child should he become upset.

Of course he'll cancel his holiday with his son. What choice does he have?

Shizzlestix · 06/08/2016 00:11

On balance, I think your DH is being unreasonable but so are you for the Butlins week. Just sort out a holiday together and go with the DH saying he'll wait til the DS is older to take him away. I can't get over this separate holidays thing. Surely you could've booked a week away together?

Whathaveilost · 06/08/2016 00:12

Another self centred mother!
It's all about you.

Your DH is right, it sounds like it would do them good to have together time.
Over the years,since the boys were very young, they have had holidays with both of us, just me or just dad and sometimes neither of us and gone with grandparents or friends.

Seriously wipe your eyes and get a grip.

Iggi999 · 06/08/2016 00:19

He isn't doing it for you or for your ds as he could accomplish the same (ds having time with him, you getting a rest) without needing to travel to Spain.
Perhaps there's an especially family friendly resort he's been to before? Or he just wants a jolly in Spain, forgetting it's not going to be that jolly with a wee one in tow!

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