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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DH taking DS abroad?

300 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 12:42

I have got a week off work in October where me, DS, my mom and my sister's two children are going to Butlins for 5 days. My husband can't come as he is a teacher and it is outside of his school's half term.

Today, whilst chatting to DH he said he wanted to take DS abroad during his 1/2 term week. I thought he was joking at first and I was going along with it, joking about how much I would love the peace and quiet etc but it turns out he's completely serious.

DS will be 2yr 7m at the time of the trip.

DH is planning on going to Spain for 5 nights and is currently researching the best places to go. I know I can't stop them going but AIBU for being so upset about it?

I'm not upset about them going on holiday without me, I just can't bear the thought of how much I'm going to miss DS.

When I realised DH was being serious I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of being away from DS for so long, especially with him being in a different country.

DS is very attached to me and DH thinks it will be beneficial to DS to have some time away from me, to help his confidence or independence or whatever reason DH came up with, but I don't know if I will be able to cope. I keep having these visions of DS wanting me and crying for me and me not being there to comfort him.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously irrational or whether this is a completely normal motherly reaction to the thought of being separated from my toddler for so long?

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 00:21

shizzlesticks - I have already said that we've got two holidays booked for next year as a family. We always go away as a family except for this one week because I'm going away with my mom and my sister's children and my DH is at work. I really don't understand what you find so confusing about that?

Was I supposed to tell my sister's children that sorry I can't take them away this year because DH is at work and apparently I'm not allowed to holiday without DH being present?

And the only reason my DH is thinking of taking DS somewhere just the two of them is because he has the week off work and I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 00:26

Or he just wants a jolly in Spain, forgetting it's not going to be that jolly with a wee one in tow!

This sounds about right Grin

I have told him, like you said, that if he's doing it in order to give me a rest then he can still do that by holidaying somewhere in England, but DH won't because he said he wants to go somewhere warm.

OP posts:
Discobabe · 06/08/2016 00:27

It's perfectly normal not to savour the idea of being separated from your two year old for five days.

It's totally normal for a child to favour one parent over another at various points in life and preger tje comfort of that parent given a choice.

It's perfectly normal for the main care giver to find it harder to leave their child than the person who is essentially forced into it due to work.

You will be perfectly fine leaving your ds for longer periods of time when he's older and the time feels right for you all.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 00:27

So you don't think another reason he might want to take his son on holiday is that he wants to spend some time with his son and feels it would be good for his son's development?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 00:32

He gets to spend loads of time with DS, he's in the middle of having 10 weeks off work due to a minor operation he's had followed by the school holidays Grin

In terms of addressing DS's development I completely understand DH's and MN'ers point about it being good for DS to have some independence from me and learn that when I'm not around everything will still be ok, but I don't see why DH has to take him abroad to teach him that.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 00:34

He doesn't "have" to take him abroad. He wants to. Just like you want to holiday with your sister and your mum.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 00:36

And me taking DS somewhere that is a two hour drive away is not the same as my DH taking DS abroad.

OP posts:
LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 00:38

I don't know where you are. But what if he took DS somewhere 5-6 hours away by car? Somewhere remote with not that great phone connection. I think you are focussing on the 'abroad' thing a bit too much. If you accept that a) it is fine for your DH to take him and he is a responsible father b) for your DS to go and that DS might actually even enjoy it, now you are fixating on location. Are you going to set a geographical boundary within which DH must operate at all times? This is all slightly crazy. If DH imposed these restrictions on me, I would go nuts.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 00:40

You are absolutely determined for him not to go, aren't you, OP?

I predict your DH will cave in to your demands. As I said before, it's really sad you don't trust him to take his own son to Spain. But what can he do? You've told him how unhappy you'll be and how you won't be able to cope. He really has no choice.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 00:41

I just don't want DS so far away from me that it meant I couldn't get to him in an emergency and in my eyes, that means being in another country.

I know the chances of DS being involved in any kind of emergency is slim, but even so.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 00:43

OP, you really need to learn how to assess risk and understand what is acceptable risk and what isn't. This is an essential part of being a parent and you need to get on top of it early or it will become obsessive.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 00:43

suburban - as I've said a hundred times before the issue is the distance, not my husbands parenting ability. DH is a fantastic dad, I have no worries whatsoever about him looking after our DS, I just don't like thought of DS being so far away from me. That's all it is.

OP posts:
TheLittleRedHen · 06/08/2016 00:44

I hope you reach a conclusion with your DH. It sounds like he's got his heart set on somewhere warm! Is it possible for him to go by himself?

If he does agree to go somewhere in the UK, would it be possible for you to join them for a few days at the start or end of the holiday?

We gave DS plenty of "life experiences" when he was 2/3 - of course, he can't remember a single one of them.

Now that he's older (nearly 9) these life experience trips are much more worth while!

With going abroad, there are so many what ifs and I'd rather be with DS to step in if he needs me than be hundreds of miles away completely useless. Even thinking bout him going away with secondary school makes me feel funny!!

YANBU Btw

LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 00:45

So as I said what about deepest Cornwall (assuming you don't live close to it) with spotty Internet and not great phone connection? You could almost certainly get to a Spanish resort quicker...

LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 00:46

And conversely would it be okay for you to take DS somewhere where DH couldn't reach quickly? Do you intend to always stay within a radius of each other in case an accident happened? Because if you want to reach DS in an emergency surely DH would want to reach him too if he had an accident when he was with you?

Discobabe · 06/08/2016 00:48

How does i'll miss my son translate to I don't trust dh to care for him?

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 00:52

as I've said a hundred times before the issue is the distance, not my husbands parenting ability

So how come your DS would be fine with you in an emergency but not with your DH? What is coming across from your posts is that you would only be happy if an emergency occurred and you were there - your DH would not be enough.

But as I said, I think he will cave in. I definitely would under such pressure, illogical though it is.

LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 00:52

It's fine to miss him. But it's more problematic to impose a geographical boundary that the other partner cannot step beyond. Especially a vaguely illogical one- 'abroad'. Where I live, Paris is closer than Edinburgh!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 00:53

luchi - I don't think it would be.

If I wanted to get to Spain in an emergency I would first off have to try and sort out a flight going out that day (extremely short notice) with no guarantee there'd even be one. And if there was one there's no guarantee it would be from my local airport (which is still an hours drive away) and I may have to drive hundreds of miles to get to another airport. I would then have to hang around the airport for two hours, have a 2+ hour flight and then try and sort out a way of getting to DS when I actually get to Spain. As well as the practical difficulties of just popping over to Spain in an emergency it would also cost a lot of money.

It definitely not the same as me being a two hour drive away at a Butlins resort Grin

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 00:55

So what do you think would happen to your DS if you couldn't get to Spain within, say, a day?

LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 00:55

Also we all miss our kids when they are not here. I miss him at work. I missed him when he was in the States with his Dad aged just 3 for 10 days. I miss him when I have to be away overnight for conferences. I have struggled to conceive so I have all the panic and fear that mothers do. But I also realise what is rational and what is not and what would be in the best interests of my son (a lovely sunny holiday with Daddy) both in the short and long term. Please don't assume that we don't miss our kids or you miss your kid in some heart rendingly special way that we don't understand.

AbyssinianBanana · 06/08/2016 00:56

If your husband was crying at the idea of you taking your child away from him for any time - would you still do it and tell your husband to suck it up because you think it'll be good for the child?!

No.

So why is it ok for your partner to distress you (and your child most likely) because he's a man?

Fuck that.

Your feelings count too.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 00:57

suburban - DS would be fine in a emergency situation if he was with DH, I'm not doubting that, but as most mothers would I imagine, I would want to be with my son. Not because I don't trust DH, but because I'd want to be with my child if something was wrong. What on earth is bad about that?

If DS was involved in an emergency in my care I would fully expect DH to want to be with DS as well as me be there. It's not because we don't trust each other it's because we both love our son and we'd both want to be with him.

OP posts:
LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 00:58

Let's say it took you 10 hours to get to DS instead of 5/6. So? Yes it would cost money. But presumably this is about an emergency so money becomes irrelevant as does convenience. The thing is that you have fixated upon the 'abroad' thing. That's fine. You should then say, look I am a control freak. I refuse to let my DH go beyond a certain perimeter and that's because I have fears. Then just own it and say it.
Don't try and make DH out to be the patronising irresponsible one for what are your fears!

Whathaveilost · 06/08/2016 00:59

I think you are being totally ridiculous.
However you don't really give a shit what people think as long as they agree with you.
You are selfish. So what if your DH sees it as a Jolly, why not?
I've spent the last 18 years having 'Jolly's', time abroad without DH and so has he! And the boys have loved it and had loads of different expierence and fun with both of us on our own and together.
Funny I have managed to get both boys to mid to late teens and still be very close to them even though I didn't go on holiday all the time with them.

DS1 was 2 when he first went away with dad and not me ( I was working) I went alone with him last year mountaineering in the Alpswhen he was 18.

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