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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DH taking DS abroad?

300 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 12:42

I have got a week off work in October where me, DS, my mom and my sister's two children are going to Butlins for 5 days. My husband can't come as he is a teacher and it is outside of his school's half term.

Today, whilst chatting to DH he said he wanted to take DS abroad during his 1/2 term week. I thought he was joking at first and I was going along with it, joking about how much I would love the peace and quiet etc but it turns out he's completely serious.

DS will be 2yr 7m at the time of the trip.

DH is planning on going to Spain for 5 nights and is currently researching the best places to go. I know I can't stop them going but AIBU for being so upset about it?

I'm not upset about them going on holiday without me, I just can't bear the thought of how much I'm going to miss DS.

When I realised DH was being serious I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of being away from DS for so long, especially with him being in a different country.

DS is very attached to me and DH thinks it will be beneficial to DS to have some time away from me, to help his confidence or independence or whatever reason DH came up with, but I don't know if I will be able to cope. I keep having these visions of DS wanting me and crying for me and me not being there to comfort him.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously irrational or whether this is a completely normal motherly reaction to the thought of being separated from my toddler for so long?

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 05/08/2016 13:41

Ultimately you chose to book the week your Mum and sister could go away knowing your husband couldn't go......which means you chose them over him .......so it's hard to justify saying no when you could have chosen his week instead and the three of you had a holiday together. Saying no would be unreasonable in the circumstances.

Rainbowunicorn73 · 05/08/2016 13:41

I feel your pain! My ds dad has taken him abroad 3 times now. He's 4. Brilliant dad, zero concerns about care, safety etc but you just feel like you've lost a limb!!
But
Definitely let him go if it's good for him, he'll have a great time. Fill your week up with things that you can't do whilst he's around, lie in, get a manicure, see friends etc. Keep busy and the time will soon go. Good luck!!

Amelie10 · 05/08/2016 13:42

Aw op, it's perfectly normal to feel this way. FlowersHe's your baby and if he's never been away from you then abroad may as well be another planet. But he will in the best hands, he will have some great bonding time with his dad and also may be less clingy to you by the time he gets back.

Think of all the things you would like to do that you can during the child free week. It will be a good rest for you as well. And think of how excited he will be to see you when he gets back. Smile

ItWasNeverASkirt · 05/08/2016 13:44

Could you suggest that they go away for a weekend, closer to home, first -- a lower-stakes first try?

DavetheCat2001 · 05/08/2016 13:46

I must be really odd as I'd relish the thought of 5 whole days, working or not, to myself, and would make the ruddy most of the 'me' time!

WheresLarry · 05/08/2016 13:52

Nicki you're right, she doesn't say it isn't fair, I shouldn't have said that. She does say that she would have no problem saying it's too much, so essentially refusing to allow the trip.

Obviously every parent is different so there is no right answer, every one is simply giving their opinion. But it is difficult to understand someone writing they would be distaught at their child being away from them for 5 days in the same line as them happily taking the child away from the other parent for 5 days.

EllsTeeth · 05/08/2016 13:52

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP and all the posters giving you a hard time and saying you taking him to Butlins without his dad is the same are unreasonable! You are still breast feeding. He is 2 years old. He is used to your DH being away but has never been away from you. It's this mumsnet thing of treating both parents exactly the same so as not to be sexist. It isn't sexist, it is possible for one parent to be a young child's primary carer and for that child to miss that parent when they aren't around, even if they're with the other parent. I have a 2 year old, he is also still breastfed and he wants ME to put h to bed every night. He loves his daddy but he wants ME. And at 2 years old I don't see anything wrong with that. It is absolutely not "pathetic" and I no way the same as a mum crying when her 10 year old goes off happily on a school trip. I wouldn't be happy either OP I think you are perfectly reasonable.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 13:53

I think me and DH are pretty equal in terms of parenting. Sometimes I do 13 hour shifts on both Saturday's and Sunday's which means DH does all the childcare and they have a fantastic time together. They quite often go out on day trips without me so I know that things will be fine when they're away together, I'm just worried how DS will be without seeing me for so long. As I said, sometimes I'm away from him for 2 nights and 2 days but that's a bit different from 5 nights away from me especially seeing as he will be in a place he doesn't know.

DH has just asked if I'm completely sure I'm ok with them going as he doesn't want me to be upset but I told him it was fine and that as hard as I'm going to find it I know it has its benefits for him and DS.

OP posts:
EllsTeeth · 05/08/2016 13:56

Personally I wouldn't see why this couldn't wait until your son is older if you're upset (which you clearly are). It sounds like your husband would be fine with postponing the trip/ doing something else. Why not take him up on it and give yourself a break! It won't harm DS to not go!

NickiFury · 05/08/2016 13:58

Well people are different aren't they and parenting is not about ruthless fairness and nor should it be. Maybe Dad isn't as bothered about being away from his child - different personality type and opinion. Neither is inherently wrong but I am uncomfortable with the demands that both parents get absolute fairness, they might not want it or care about it particularly and have different approaches. Just just like all other areas of parenting really.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 13:58

I just feel so torn Ells - in one sense I really, really don't want DH to take him but on the other hand maybe it will be good for all of us? I just don't know Sad

OP posts:
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 05/08/2016 13:58

Yeah I would say I would prefer if you did a long weekend in England on the coast instead. Maybe when he's 3/4 it'll be easier

NickiFury · 05/08/2016 13:59

DH has just asked if I'm completely sure I'm ok with them going as he doesn't want me to be upset but I told him it was fine and that as hard as I'm going to find it I know it has its benefits for him and DS.

He sounds lovely and that must help. My ex was often to be heard banging on about fairness and rights like a few on here and it really doesn't help a wobbly parent feel more secure in being away from their child.

Niloufes · 05/08/2016 14:02

Good on your DH for wanting to do this. 5 nights isn't long. Enjoy the break you don't get them often.

EllsTeeth · 05/08/2016 14:02

Exactly Nicki.

And OP why do you think it will be good for all of you? It sounds like you're all getting on great, your DH is a fantastic father, you and your son have a lovely relationship, your DH is reasonable and prepared to not go on the trip this time. What exactly needs fixing??

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 14:04

. Maybe Dad isn't as bothered about being away from his child - different personality type and opinion. Neither is inherently wrong but I am uncomfortable with the demands that both parents get absolute fairness

Exactly. I'm in tears at the thought of being away from DS for 5 days in contrast to my DH who practically jumped in the air in excitement when I said me and DS were going to Butlins Grin

My DH does go on a lot of school trips abroad which he chooses to go on knowing he will be away from DS for so long whereas I would never, ever even consider being away from him for so long, especially by choosing to go to another Country.

This isn't sexist, it's just that DH isn't as bothered about being away from DS whereas I really, really am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 14:05

Maybe I will go and discuss it with DH again......see if a compromise can be had....

OP posts:
newname99 · 05/08/2016 14:05

Heteronormal, my thoughts exactly.

NickiFury · 05/08/2016 14:07

I would OP. There's a lot of years ahead for trips away, when everyone feels happier. It's what's right for all of you Smile

EllsTeeth · 05/08/2016 14:07

Sounds like you have your answer OP! Perfectly normal and natural to not want to be away from your 2 year old for that long in my opinion. Obviously totally fine if both you and he are happy with it before anyone slates me...

EllsTeeth · 05/08/2016 14:08

Cross post.

I would as well OP. Something ALL OF YOU (and that is allowed to include you!) are happier with.

LunaLoveg00d · 05/08/2016 14:18

When is being "really, really bothered" about being away from your child going to stop though? It's easy to see why parents get so worked up about school trips if they have actively avoided their children being away from them. It's a vicious circle the longer you leave it to make that first step the harder it is on everyone. Delaying the holiday for the mother's peace of mind is not what is best for 2 out of the 3 people involved in this.

From what the OP says she has no doubts at all that her husband would do a great job of looking after the child, and thinks the child would be fine too as he has a good bond with his Dad. Seriously OP, it is not normal to be in tears just at the thought of not seeing your child for a short period.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 14:23

I've told DH that I'm perfectly fine with them going away together and if I had to cope with being away from DS for 5 days and nights then I'd cope, but that I'm struggling to cope with the thought of their holiday being in another country because it's just too far away from me.

DH has been brilliant and said he understands and that he won't book anything now and we can talk about it again in a few days when I've had some more time to think about it. He knows he's just dropped this idea on me out of nowhere so understands that I'm going to give mixed feelings.

OP posts:
Cel982 · 05/08/2016 14:24

YANBU, OP. The people talking about ten-year-olds going on residential trips are extrapolating wildly Hmm Your child is two; two-year-olds don't need to have independence forced on them before they come to it naturally themselves. It's completely normal and appropriate for them to be clingy to their primary caregiver at that age.

EssexMummy1234 · 05/08/2016 14:24

i think its normal - what is sad is that the OH asked if the OP was ok about it and she wasn't honest with him.

I also don't think 5 days abroad with dad when toddler is very close to mum is automatically the best thing for him, if anything it could be traumatic and make him very clingy in future.