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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DH taking DS abroad?

300 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 12:42

I have got a week off work in October where me, DS, my mom and my sister's two children are going to Butlins for 5 days. My husband can't come as he is a teacher and it is outside of his school's half term.

Today, whilst chatting to DH he said he wanted to take DS abroad during his 1/2 term week. I thought he was joking at first and I was going along with it, joking about how much I would love the peace and quiet etc but it turns out he's completely serious.

DS will be 2yr 7m at the time of the trip.

DH is planning on going to Spain for 5 nights and is currently researching the best places to go. I know I can't stop them going but AIBU for being so upset about it?

I'm not upset about them going on holiday without me, I just can't bear the thought of how much I'm going to miss DS.

When I realised DH was being serious I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of being away from DS for so long, especially with him being in a different country.

DS is very attached to me and DH thinks it will be beneficial to DS to have some time away from me, to help his confidence or independence or whatever reason DH came up with, but I don't know if I will be able to cope. I keep having these visions of DS wanting me and crying for me and me not being there to comfort him.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously irrational or whether this is a completely normal motherly reaction to the thought of being separated from my toddler for so long?

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 14:37

That's it essex - as much as my DS adores his dad, it's me he wants when he's hurt, poorly, upset etc. I think most toddlers just want their moms don't they in these scenarios?

He's been having little night terrors over the last few weeks (maybe once a week) and me BF'ing him is the only thing that calms him down. Surely it isn't a bad thing for a 2 year old to have some form of dependency on their main carer?

It's me he likes to kiss and cuddle and when he wakes in the night it is me he calls for.

My DH acknowledges that after a few days DS would probably struggle with not having seen me and said that if any point he thought the separation was too much for DS then he'd just come home earlier than planned. That made me feel a little bit better but it doesn't change the fact he's still going to be in a different country to me.

All I keep thinking is, "What if something happens to him and I'm not there? What if something happens to him and I can't get get to him?"

I always keep him safe and I can't do that when he's in another country.

OP posts:
callherwillow · 05/08/2016 14:40

The whole thing sounds crazy! You're a married couple yet you each individually take your toddler aged child away for holidays?

EllsTeeth · 05/08/2016 14:40

Enjoy your baby OP and relish the closeness. Absolutely no need to enforce separation at this point. Things will evolve naturally and at some point you a d he will be happy to be parted for a few days. Don't push it!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 14:42

callherwillow - it's a one off because we've got different weeks off work.

OP posts:
EllsTeeth · 05/08/2016 14:43

And fine he says he'll bring him home if he's upset but that won't be a case of just jumping in the car for a couple of hours, he'll have to rearrange flights etc. Obviously doable and the sky won't fall in but may take longer than imagined. Why put yourselves through unnecessary stress? Flowers

callherwillow · 05/08/2016 14:44

And you absolutely must both go away? :)

rookiemere · 05/08/2016 14:46

I'd be annoyed if I was off to Butlins for a week whilst DH got to go abroad (sorry probably not entirely pertinent to the thread).

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 14:46

Why put yourselves through unnecessary stress?

That's what DH has said.

He said the whole point of taking DS away was to primarily give me a break because I never get one, which I don't, but he said it would make no sense for him to give me a "rest period" if I would just be upset and worrying all the time during it.

OP posts:
EllsTeeth · 05/08/2016 14:47

What a lovely husband you have. Sounds like things are all good!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 14:48

callherwillow - my sister can't afford to take her children on holiday and so the only yearly holiday they get is when me and my mom take them to Butlins, that's why I'm going. It's been booked for months. DH hadn't said anything about him going away during his week off work until today, it completely came out the blue.

OP posts:
callherwillow · 05/08/2016 14:57

I don't know Writer, I get that different people do things differently but it just seems tres peculiar on the part of your husband! I understand you're going away with your mum and sister but I don't know, it just seems odd for him to go to Spain alone with a toddler!

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/08/2016 14:59

I didn't tell the OP what to do at all - I was only being honest about what I would do, I thought I made that clear.

I have never booked a separate holiday with kids but without my dh, but that was not relevant to the op's situation, as she has done so. My dcs have a lovely relationship with their father and would have a lovely time with him, but would struggle more with a break from me, as I am their primary carer. That is different in other families, and that's fine, but, yes they would find it harder to be away from me at that age than their dad. That is the truth. You can have a relationship of equal importance without having exactly the same relationship.

Of course I could refuse permission for something I didn't want my 2 year old to do, as could dh if it was something he was uncomfortable with - but it's not really 'refusing permission' in a good relationship is it? It's accommodating the feelings and needs of everyone and weighing it up. In our set up I could absolutely say to my dh I wasn't ready for that and neither was ds, and he wouldn't override my wishes. But it would be broached as a question anyway, not a done deal. I wouldn't make a purely selfish decision; if the child was older and the benefits were greater - ie able to remember whether he went abroad or not, able to verbalise his own wishes, less distressed at being away from me - as my five year old now is - then I'd take that into account.

It's not unhealthy for a two year old to be primarily attached to its mother - quite the opposite I should say. Some people and children are ok with separations and trips earlier and great for them, but it's not needing a grip or unhealthy to feel differently about it. It's the norm for some people, but not for others.

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/08/2016 15:04

Anyway writer it's sounds like you've got a nice and understanding dh - I hope you can sort it out, but there is nothing wrong with how you feel either way Flowers

NickiFury · 05/08/2016 15:08

Seriously OP, it is not normal to be in tears just at the thought of not seeing your child for a short period.

Maybe not for you. There's massive arrogance in dictating what is normal for every parent like that luna.

HeddaLettuce · 05/08/2016 15:08

it's me he wants when he's hurt, poorly, upset etc. I think most toddlers just want their moms don't they in these scenarios?

No, they generally are happy to be comforted by both parents. Its not a good idea to encourage the idea that he needs you and only you, its not fair to the child or the dad, and sounds like its more about your feelings than anyone elses.

milliemolliemou · 05/08/2016 15:12

I'm sorry but it sounds as if DH is in the right here OP. You say he's competent, caring, good with DC. I think it sounds a great holiday for DC - and you'll have done the same with DC just before. DH presumably knows about childcare, health insurance, children's hospitals, safety - and how to cuddle a distressed child. Clearly he can't breastfeed but can bottlefeed, and nearly 3 sounds pretty old for comfort breast feeding. You do have to cut the ties at some point for DC to develop.

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/08/2016 15:34

I know a lot of abnormal mums with unhealthy relationships with their toddlers according to some of the answers here. I don't know any family irl where a dad has taken a toddler abroad and the mum would be seen as abnormal for being a bit upset or stressed about the idea Confused

My niece had a brilliant holiday with her dad recently, but still phoned her mum every day and had a couple of cries over missing her. She's nine, and we're talking about a not quite 3 year old. What's the rush?

EllsTeeth · 05/08/2016 15:48

Quite Satsuki. I must know a lot of odd, abnormally attached, mums and toddlers too (including myself).

EllsTeeth · 05/08/2016 15:51

And the DH "knowing how to cuddle a distressed child" and the fact that DH can bottle feed is not really the point here is it? Sometimes a 2 year old just wants his mum! Which is completely normal and healthy. Ok if she was still breastfeeding and not wanting to be parted from him when he's 16 that might be a different story Wink although no doubt some on here would attempt to argue that point...

roundaboutthetown · 05/08/2016 15:54

What's your dh planning to do with his ds for five nights in Spain? And will he really be going on his own with your ds? Tbh, I'd stop finding it fun after 3 days - with no-one to help take over and no other adult to talk to, it gets really tiresome vigilantly supervising a 3-year old on the plane/round a pool/on the beach/sightseeing/going to the loo/looking for the dropped toy/dealing with grazed knees/insect bites/vomiting bugs etc., away from the home environment. Needing to find medical help overseas for a young child is also not fun - they are rather prone to vomiting bugs and chickenpox at that sort of age, and before you know it, you're stuck out in a foreign hospital somewhere and not allowed home until they are no longer infectious/dehydrated (I should know...).

roundaboutthetown · 05/08/2016 16:00

Also, will your ds still be in nappies, or have started potty training? It's a weird age to take him off on a foreign holiday like that imvho. Hats off to your dh for even considering it.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 16:20

roundabouttown - my DH admits it will probably be a boring holiday for him, stuck in the hotel every night from 7pm whilst DS is asleep, but he just says he wants to do it so I can have a break. Your post paints a very realistic picture of what it will probably be like......I think I will show it to DH and let him decide if he still wants to go Grin

Me and my mom have been doing the annual holidays with my sister's children for over 5 years now and when they were younger, aged 2/3/4 they really missed their mom and we had to phone home about 4 times a day. I didn't think it was odd, I just thought it was normal for toddlers/young children to miss their mom when away from them. My mom and myself were perfectly capable of looking after the children and they obviously knew and trusted us, but that didn't mean they weren't allowed to miss their mom.

OP posts:
TimeforaNNChange · 05/08/2016 16:24

I'd stop finding it fun after 3 days - with no-one to help take over and no other adult to talk to, it gets really tiresome vigilantly supervising a 3-year old on the plane/round a pool/on the beach/sightseeing/going to the loo/looking for the dropped toy/dealing with grazed knees/insect bites/vomiting bugs etc., away from the home environment.

I agree - conversely, my DDs dad loved it!

He took our DD away regularly from age 6 months - as a result, DD was not dependent on me for mopping her tears, kissing her knee better - she was equally comfortable with both of us.
As the OPs DH spends time away from home, there are limited opportunities for him to be "primary parent" and a few days on holiday, doing something he has suggested, seems like a great idea to redress the balance.

In the event that the OP becomes incapacitated for any reason, having another adult who her DC is equally comfortable with will be a huge relief for her. Better that than my DFriend situation when she was furious to discover that her toddler DD would not be allowed to stay in the maternity unit with her. There literally was no one was she could leave her DD with, and was unhappy at the thought of being apart overnight.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 16:34

My only issue is that he wants to take DS abroad - the rest I can cope with. I would miss DS if he went away for 5 days and nights, but I would manage, I'm just really not comfortable with the thought of the holiday being in a different country. DS will just be too far away Sad

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 05/08/2016 16:37

I would still say that having a sick child in a foreign hospital overseas is far from being a fun experience. I have been in foreign hospitals on three different continents with ds2 and the absolute worst time was when he was exactly 2 years and 7 months with a severe vomiting and diarrhoea bug which started exactly three hours after we got off the plane, when he vomited up the ice cream he had just eaten. He times getting ill extremely badly. Grin At least I always had dh with me to look after ds1. I guess it's easier with only one child to deal with, but nevertheless!...

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