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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

If he doesn't want a baby, you shouldn't seek CSA

879 replies

NeedACleverNN · 02/08/2016 19:33

Why the hell is this line still trotted out?

I've even seen it on here. Woman falls pregnant, boyfriend doesn't want it and wants an abortion. She doesn't. People advise her to keep the baby and let him go. Don't bother seeking child maintenance because he didn't want the baby in the first place.

No!! If he didn't want a baby he should take his own precautions to preventing pregnancy. You don't like condoms? You don't have sex!

OP posts:
DuvetToMyself · 02/08/2016 19:34

I'm amazed whenever I see that. Total madness.

Men know where babies come from.

OreosAreTasty · 02/08/2016 19:36

Hear hear. Another one is
"I don't want to pay as my ex can't prove it goes on the child/always gets her nails done etc etc etc" no you're just a feckless fucking tosspot.
It's quite scary that it's been suggested by some that we should
Make mothers receiving Csa account for every penny with receipts. Would she be allowed to
Pay part or all of the rent with it? Or
The utilities etc? Some would be in poverty worse than they already are if they spent all of the maintanence on shoes and clothes for the kid. No kids need £200 of clothes bought monthly but all kids need shelter, food to eat etc etc...

RichardBucket · 02/08/2016 19:37

Oreos or even worse, when women on here resent their 'D' partners sending money to their exes because she has nice hair and nails. Hmm

passmethewineplease · 02/08/2016 19:38

I don't know why but it fucks me off.

Load of bollocks.

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 02/08/2016 19:39

Oh yes.
My ex just wasted on her haircut so she obviously doesn't need money

No numbnuts! The money went on the rent to which house your children. Or it paid for the food which feed them. Or the electricity and gas to keep them warm.

Your ex paid for her hair out of her own money

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 02/08/2016 19:39

If I got maintenance I'd spend it on gin and shoes.
Just to wind OW up GrinGrin

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/08/2016 19:40

I agree. I dont need my exes money, but he made DD too, so he can pick up some of the tab too.

Arfarfanarf · 02/08/2016 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OreosAreTasty · 02/08/2016 19:42

That too Richard.
It's very bloody annoying.
It's child support not ex support.
If the kids are being neglected (ie holes in clothes/too small etc) while
Mum is in Gucci and Prada then yes there's an issue but more often than not that isn't the case O.o
Support your kids ughhhh. I haven't got kids but as another poster pointed out on another thread if I did and I decided one day I'd stop
Paying for them at all, so by proxy wouldn't feed them or allow them to use gas or electric, buy them clothes etc social services would be up my arse screaming neglect but if a NRP does it it's fine and you shouldn't withhold contact over it because it's only money (errr no it's neglect unless parent has a valid pre agreed reason such as a very temporary measure/payment issue) nor are non payers ever sent to jail.
It's fucked.

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 02/08/2016 19:46

This is one of many reasons I've considered just going it alone. No expectations = no disappointments.

c3pu · 02/08/2016 19:47

Women are much the same in my experience, my boys Mum came up with every excuse in the book not to pay maintenance for our two kids when they lived with me full time, until I set the CMS on her.

AppleJac · 02/08/2016 19:47

I dont agree that it should just be solely the womans choice whether to keep the baby.

Its very unfair to force someone to be a parent then expect them to contribute to something they did not want.

No contraception is 100%.

I do think its right that if a woman becomes pregnant when contraception was used properly then maintenance should not be forced if she chooses to continue with the pregnancy.

There should be a legal document that is signed that makes you exempt from the parental responsibilities if the woman continues with the pregnancy against your wishes. Its wrong that women have a choice regarding being a parent but men dont.

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 02/08/2016 19:48

Ah yes. Sorry c3pu I should have said. Some women are guilty of this too but it's mostly a male thing

OP posts:
CatsAndCocktails · 02/08/2016 19:48

I worked at the CSA years ago and some of the reasons some of the NRPs came out with as to why they shouldn't pay were ridiculous. However, every so often you would get someone completely different - I remember one man pleading for more money to be taken so it could go to his stepchildren (who lived with their mother, his exwife) because he no longer got to see them very often but loved them like his own and wanted them to benefit from extra treats as well as his own children.

Sparkyduchess · 02/08/2016 19:49

But men DO have a choice...don't have sex unless you accept it may make you a father!

lalalalyra · 02/08/2016 19:49

What about "Her new husband has a good job, why should mine pay X when they can afford holidays?"

I also laugh at the "she has good clothes and the kids are in Primark" one - well yeah, I have good quality clothes and my kids mostly live in cheaper clothes, but I've had the same "good" clothes for 5/6/7/10 years since I've mastered climbing trees without wrecking the knees of my trousers, oh and I've stopped taking growth spurts every ten minutes!

passmethewineplease · 02/08/2016 19:49

How can it not be the woman's choice? It's her body, it's her that will be taking the risks.

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 02/08/2016 19:49

Apple
When you have sex, protection or not, you accept that a child could possibly be created.
You don't want a baby, you don't have sex

OP posts:
CatsAndCocktails · 02/08/2016 19:49

Oreos non payers definitely have been sent to jail (it was the department that I worked in) but the vast majority were self employed.

MiaowJario · 02/08/2016 19:50

Men do have a choice Applejac. As it is common knowledge that no contraception is 100%, if a man is truly not prepared to take responsibility for a baby, then he can choose to never have sex.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 02/08/2016 19:50

There should be a legal document that is signed that makes you exempt from the parental responsibilities if the woman continues with the pregnancy against your wishes

Why should the state/everyone else have to pay to raise this child if its actual parent is around to contribute for it?

OreosAreTasty · 02/08/2016 19:51

Sorry, yes sometimes they are. My bad. I know. However it's not very well known or publicised and it
Seems more get away with it than not.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 02/08/2016 19:53

You don't want a baby, you don't have sex

I'm uncomfortable with that argument because anti-abortionists could (and do) just as easily apply it to women.

KickAssAngel · 02/08/2016 19:53

AppleJac - if any consenting adult does NOT want to have children - then they don't have sex. Simple.

If they have sex, even using contraception, they are possibly going to end up a parent. IT's basic biological fact.

Only in cases of lack of consent should a parent be able to side-step their responsibility.

OreosAreTasty · 02/08/2016 19:54

"It's wrong that men don't have a choice" not really.
A man could have the option to end a woman's pregnancy for her maybe...? Throw her down the stairs? Coat hanger? Frog March her to a Marie stopes clinic? Ah nah that's barbaric...
Sign a piece of paper to make all of the responsibilities go away. So a man can stick his cock in whatever he wants and suffer no consequences even if he creates 10 or more children that he never meets?
That's a stupid system that'd be taken advantage of. Hugely. And there's no other way to do it really other than the two above unless I'm
Missing something obvious