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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they invited the wrong child?

312 replies

HyunaRiddle · 01/08/2016 20:10

I have triplet girls, they're 8 years olds.

2 are Brownies and 1 is a Cub

Youngest DD who is a brownie is very good friends with a girl, who is also a brownie, we've taken her out numerous times, DD has stayed over at her house overnight, I know the mum fairly well.

It's the girl's birthday next week and we've received 2 invites by email, for DD1 and DD2 not DD3.

DD2 is a Cub, has never spent more then a a few hours with the birthday girl, doesn't really like her all that much, but the name on the invite is clearly for DD2.

Do you think that they just put down the wrong name?

OP posts:
Ameliablue · 01/08/2016 23:06

her Mum did ask her repeatedly if she meant DD3 but no, she wants DD2 there

Sounds as if both the girl and the mother knew what they were doing.

SueTrinder · 01/08/2016 23:53

I think it's our role as parents to guide our children through inviting people to parties, e.g. DD1 wanted to do that classic no no of inviting all the girls in her class except one. I refused to let her do this, we had a discussion about why (she said they'd had an argument) and discussed what to do if she did something DD1 didn't like at the party (she was perfectly behaved and they had great fun together). DD1 was glad she invited her.

I think the parents made a mistake inviting 2 of the triplets and excluding the BD girl's best friend. They should have discussed the implication and likely outcome with their daughter and tried to get her to change who she wanted to invite if she didn't want to invite her good friend. You refusing the invite will be a good lesson for them all.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/08/2016 23:57

I don't really see the issue. If dd1 wants to go then let her go. And take the other 2 for a treat. DD3 may well be disappointed but obviously the other girl doesn't consider her as good a friend as you thought. At 8 you won't be able to hide from her that she wasn't invited so I would just help her deal with the disappointment by choosing a nice activity with the sister who doesn't want to go. It's always disappointing when kids don't get invited to the parties of people they consider to be good friends but it happens. I don't think the other child has done anything wrong - she chose the 3 people she wanted to invite.

Rainbow · 02/08/2016 00:06

Not quite the same and we were a lot older than 8 but I am one of 3 girls and I was the only one (out of my parents and sisters) who didn't get an invite to my cousin's engagement or wedding. I was gutted.
I wouldn't send any personally.

IwannaSnorlax · 02/08/2016 00:16

Wow Rainbow, that's harsh. Did they say why?

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 02/08/2016 01:08

I'd cut the Mum some slack. They've had to cancel their holiday - they might be under huge financial or family stress.

She might only be able to fit 4 kids into her car, her DD & 3 friends.

It was definitely wrong to invite 2/3 triplets & especially when the one left out is usually the 'closer' friend. Ordinarily (had she chosen DD3 & 1 other) she should have said 'No, you can invite 1 or 3, but not 2, leaving one out' but in this case it wouldn't have helped as DD3 would still be left out, so I I'd have said ALL or NONE.

She was probably thinking 'I said she could choose so I suppose I have to let her' whilst thinking about other things.

Try not to let it bother you too much.

What you do about it depends on your girls. 10yo here is quite pragmatic so we'd talk about it and I'd let her decide. Your DD3 might surprise you. Kids are weird 😁

kali110 · 02/08/2016 01:36

Wow, the little girl is horrible, mean and op's dd shouldn't be friends with her?
This girl is 8! ( is usually what is said on threads).
The mom can only afford to take a certain number of kids if she's had to cancel a holiday then could well have lost a fair bit of money.
Her daughter decided who she wanted.
For some reason it isn't op's dd3.
Really Sad for her, but nobody on here knows the reason, so to call the friend horrible names Confused.
Just like the twin thread i think all the girls are separate beings.
I'd let them decide for themselves.
I don't think it's wrong to invite the one, or two and not the other.
At 8 dd3 will probably hear about it in school anyway and find out.
If dd3 doesn't want to go out anywhere, then have a lazy night in, movies, popcorn etc.
Sure if they have had a falling out, or have drifted apart they'll make up again soon.
It's hard being 8, though it only gets harder!

Zxzx · 02/08/2016 01:45

Perfect MN thread.

I'd politely decline the invite and just say that you hadn't realised but you had already booked to do something on that day. Boring but I think it's much better than having it out with the mother. This is one of those situation where being honest isn't going to achieve anything. For all you know the birthday girl might have told her Mum that your DD had been spiteful to her. Do you really want to start getting into spats with other parents over parties?

I'd just leave it be and not give it anymore thought.

PlotterOfPlots · 02/08/2016 01:48

It wouldn't be the first time an 8 year old has picked someone they hope to become friends with over someone who's already "in the bag". But picking your friend's sibling over your friend is just not on.

I think you need to let the girls make their own minds up, perhaps with judicious reminders of the value of kindness and other people's feelings.

Voddy4 · 02/08/2016 02:04

Yes j would just decline if I were you. It seems harsh to leave out your daughter who is actually close to the party girl. There is definitely something going on you're not aware of either a falling out or some sort of jealousy or issue from party girl!

Memoires · 02/08/2016 02:11

Just decline. No need to say why or make excuses, the mum will know why. Then go and have a fun day.

AnnaMarlowe · 02/08/2016 02:27

I have 8 year old twins.

Over the years I have actively encouraged party mums to only invite the twin who was actually friends with the party child.

This is not the same situation. This is compatible to DD's friend inviting DS to her part but excluding DD.

It's not the 2/3 that's the problem. It's excluding the only triplet that is actually her friend that's the problem.

I suspect if you dig OP you'll find there was some difficulty or contretemps.

Regardless I would politely decline for all three girls, with no explanation. It's the holidays, if they see this girl in future you can just say the party clashed.

I'd also cool the friendship with DD3 as far as you are able. 8yo girls can be very mean. We've had extensive experience of this ourselves this year.

VioletBam · 02/08/2016 03:18

People saying "Oh she's 8, she might be curious about the triplet thing" is crap!

I have an 8 year old DD and a 12 year old DD and at 8, they know what they're up to.

My 8 year old is friends with twins and she would NEVER invite on and not the other.

The Mother was misguided here. Don't send any of them.

VenusRising · 02/08/2016 04:49

I think it's easy to see your twins or your triplets as part of a pair or part of a three.

Fwiw I think it's very healthy to see twins as two siblings who share a birthday, and triplets as three individual people who share a birthday.

When seen from outside the family, they are seen as individuals, and it's easy to think from inside that they constitute a job lot.
The muscateers all for one and one for all seems intuitive and reasonable from inside the family, but this is rarely how they are seen from the outside..

The thing is, if your dd who isn't invited is miffed, then by all means help her to overcome that feeling by listening to her.

The assumption that as she's a good pal of party girl so she's entitled to an invite seems strange to me. Party girl can invite whomever she likes, and she's expressed a preference (with a limited budget)

You need to let them all see the email, and understand that it's up to them what they do about it

For the girl who maybe won't enjoy the party, she might decline, for the girl who might enjoy the party she might accecpt, and for the girl who is close to the party girl and can neither decline or accecpt, she needs to learn that she's not entitled to an invite, just because she thinks she should get one- sometimes things don't work out for some reason.

Have a family discussion, round the table, and take notes.

Let them all speak in turn and try and be calm about it.... it's just a surprise, quickly organised party, and on a budget too.

If you are all declining, make sure to get a present for the birthday girl, and invite her over soon.

Party girl may assume that her relationship with her uninvited triplet pal is set in stone, and would be unharmed by excluding her and inviting her siblings, if this isn't the case, maybe uninvited triplet could send her a card saying "I'm sad I can't be there with you for your celebration, could we bake a cake together next week?".

The point is, is the friendship more important than the snub? And if it is, work on that and facilitate it.

cexuwaleozbu · 02/08/2016 06:08

I agree this is 8yo birthday girl's nasty way of demonstrating to DD3 quite how out-of-favour she has fallen. Don't cooperate. Be busy that day doing something fun with the whole family. Or if DD1 really wants to go she could so long as DD2 and DD3 are going to do something even more fun.

CatNip2 · 02/08/2016 07:02

I wouldn't engage any further, just simply decline, no reasons, remain friendly etc. I would quickly arrange something else though so if any of the girls were asked about the party they will say "oh no, we went to X instead"

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2016 07:09

I would decline the invitation and not even give a reason to be honest. The mother will figure it out and perhaps have a word with her DD about being inclusive and kind.

As everyone else has said - it is leaving the actual friend out that is just so mean.

heron98 · 02/08/2016 07:15

If she's only allowed a small party it does seem unfair that three of those places have to be taken up by triplets just because it would be unfair to leave one out.

gatorgolf · 02/08/2016 07:24

Heron but op said that she knows two of the triplets well from brownies but doesn't really know the other one, so it would have made sense and op wouldn't have minded if she left out non brownie child

minisoksmakehardwork · 02/08/2016 07:25

Another mum of twins here. Again, asking one and not the other is fine. Leaving out the one you are supposed to be friends with is weird. And the sort of thing 8 year old girls do when they fall out.

So...

I propose speaking to your daughters about it. Ask them what they want to do. Do the invited girls want to go? Do their feel birthday girl is picking on their sister? - they will know better than you what has been going on at school and brownies. The two girls may easily have fallen out and your daughter who is friends might not mind not going. Your dd who isn't friends might happily not go.

It might not feel the right time for a life lesson for your triplets, but unfortunately it is going to be one.

SavoyCabbage · 02/08/2016 07:34

I would take them elsewhere on the day. Then I'd say

oh, it's Jan's party on Tuesday but we are going to the beach that day (or Chester zoo to check out those amazing coins)

Then I'd keep a closer eye on the friendship of the other girl and your dd3 in the future. I've daughters and I found this age tricky with regard to friendships.

LindyHemming · 02/08/2016 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

THirdEeye · 02/08/2016 07:42

Yes, the child can invite who she chooses....however, in this case the mothers common sense should have prevailed.

I would decline and say you all have to attend a family event.

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 02/08/2016 07:53

Honestly, I think it will be a lovely lesson for the party girl about what happens when you decide to be mean to your friends. Only one of the three she's invited will accept (or perhaps not, who knows).

Having a birthday does not somehow make it acceptable to treat your friends badly. And inviting a good friend's sisters (especially one you hardly know) but not her is not nice.

Don't make up an excuse or a fun prior commitment for the mother. Just decline. She will know why and should have been expecting it.

Frazzled2207 · 02/08/2016 07:54

Another one saying decline.