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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they invited the wrong child?

312 replies

HyunaRiddle · 01/08/2016 20:10

I have triplet girls, they're 8 years olds.

2 are Brownies and 1 is a Cub

Youngest DD who is a brownie is very good friends with a girl, who is also a brownie, we've taken her out numerous times, DD has stayed over at her house overnight, I know the mum fairly well.

It's the girl's birthday next week and we've received 2 invites by email, for DD1 and DD2 not DD3.

DD2 is a Cub, has never spent more then a a few hours with the birthday girl, doesn't really like her all that much, but the name on the invite is clearly for DD2.

Do you think that they just put down the wrong name?

OP posts:
Memoires · 04/08/2016 19:20

Nick,mshe didn't invite her friend,nshe invited her friend's sisters. I don't know what you're reading.

Original poster
HyunaRiddle · 04/08/2016 19:21

Bumsex, I understand where you're coming from but that isn't the case at all. We've known x for 4 years, her & DD1/DD2 have absolutely nothing in common, she's never asked either of them out in any way or shown any interest in them, her & DD2 don't even get on very well. They really don't have a thing in common. I would have understood just inviting DD1, as she may want to get to know her alone etc but inviting DD2 & not inviting DD3 was just an act of spite.

In better news, DD3 has spent the day bowling with another girl from their class and has only mentioned x once today.

OP posts:
CodyKing · 04/08/2016 19:23

Glad to hear you've been proactive!

Keep going with different girls. - or boys!

Original poster
HyunaRiddle · 04/08/2016 19:25

Nick, maybe you should RTT because she didn't invite the best friend, she invited her sister that she slightly knows and the sister that doesn't like her.

OP posts:
Original poster
HyunaRiddle · 04/08/2016 19:30

Cody, I really want her to expand her friendship group before the summer ends. I've been ringing around girls and boys around her age, a lot of people are away though so it's proved challenging.

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 04/08/2016 19:42

No way would I let dd1 and dd2 go if dd3 is the closest to the birthday girl and has not been invited.
I'd organise a family outing on the day and decline the invitations for dd1 and dd2.
End of.

TeaStory · 04/08/2016 19:59

Nick, you're wrong. DD3 is the "best friend", and the only one excluded in favour of girls she the birthday girl doesn't know.

TeaStory · 04/08/2016 19:59

*in favour of girls the birthday girl doesn't know.

paxillin · 04/08/2016 20:09

It is challenging to get friends to come over in the holidays. Birthday girl has probably found that out by now, too. August born kids I know often celebrate in September.

hollyisalovelyname · 04/08/2016 20:18

Pax, surely then dd3 would have been invited. She is the official friend yet has been left out.
I know our children have to get ready for real life and sh*t happens but if it were me I wouldn't let the other two go in this case - it's too hurtful to dd3.

nick247 · 04/08/2016 20:51

I will admit that I misunderstood the thread ,OP first mentions one DD, logic would dictate that this is therefore DD1 because as the girls are triplets they should not be described in age order. I hold my hand up to this, BUT I stand by what I said about teaching children to be resilient and understanding that life will throw things at them that seem unjust. I do remember things that happened to me in my school days that at the time seemed really unfair, but they have not tainted me for life. I look back and know that I am a stronger person because I got over them instead of brooding about the issues. Kids will be kids, I am sure we all may have occasionally said or done something as a child that knowingly or otherwise hurt another child. It is all about growing up and learning things. We now have adults who should know better saying spiteful things about a child who was, in their opinion herself being spiteful; without knowing all the facts.NOT very good role models.

TeaStory · 04/08/2016 21:00

I think the OP is teaching her daughter well though - failing to teach resilience would be begging the mum to let the little girl attend, or pretending there is no party. Instead the OP has told her daughter the truth and is taking the girls out, showing them that they can dust themselves off and seek other experiences when something like this happens, as well as not giving in to further hurtful treatment.

CodyKing · 04/08/2016 21:41

The daughter is being resilient - she's playing with other children - she's learnt her sisters won't be pawns in another's mind games - she knows her mom told her the truth - she also knows this girl isn't being her friend and that's ok - she has other friends. She won't be relying on birthday girl in future.

EweAreHere · 04/08/2016 22:18

I'm with CodyKing. DD3 is being resilient (after X acted spitefully and deliberately to hurt her by not inviting her) and looking elsewhere for more friendships. OP was right to turn down the invitation for all of the girls (so the others weren't being used against her sister by X who was being spiteful).

Honestly, 7, 8 and 9 year old girls can be hideous. They are not naive, unknowing creatures. I have one and I work with classes full of them!

TheAntiBoop · 04/08/2016 23:00

Rather than cooling the friendship why not get them together so they can talk it through

Perhaps x was scared in the tent and felt abandoned by dd3 when she left the tent. Rather than painting her as a spiteful little madam why not let the girls discuss it etc. Avoiding her seems to be making it a bigger drama

Rachel0Greep · 04/08/2016 23:44

I'm with Ewe.
And for what it's worth, I totally agree with OP's handling of the situation. And I want to give her DD a big hug.
I think the mum of the party girl should have sorted this. And as she didn't, I would be scaling back on invitations or play dates of any sort.

nick247 · 05/08/2016 09:11

TheAntiBoop - at last, the voice of reason!!!

CodyKing · 05/08/2016 09:18

Kids will be kids, I am sure we all may have occasionally said or done something as a child that knowingly or otherwise hurt another child

Ahh the kids are kids excuse - always rolled out as an excuse for bad behaviour -

What should happen is birthday girl should apologise for not inviting DD and give her a valid reason for not doing so - and make up for it - if she wants to remain friends - DD should not as the wronged child have to do so - isn't that what adults do?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/08/2016 10:24

Oh dear Nick - a graceful acceptance that you had misread the situation would have been more polite.

The OP has done a good job of handling this situation, and her DD3 is obviously handling this with resilience as she is more angry than sad about it.

No one has been particularly spiteful about the birthday girl - she's apparently holding some kind of grudge and "punishing" her BF (DD3, for clarity) - but many people have pointed out that 8yo girls can be very mean and spiteful. Which is true - don't you think?

LyndaNotLinda · 05/08/2016 10:26

The fact that the mum has condoned her spiteful behaviour is a very good reason for cooling the friendship. Parents who are blind to their children's faults are not the sort of people I would want my children spending much time with.

TheAntiBoop · 05/08/2016 10:43

I just think the adults are getting way too invested. These are two 8yo girls who have been friends for years. We don't know why x didn't invite dd3 as there hasn't actually been a discussion.

What is wrong with getting the girls together and letting them sort it out rather than throw away a friendship over a decision that was probably made without understanding consequence (and what x's mum should have done is irrelevant as that is punishing x for her mum not guiding her).

A girl did something pretty nasty to dd at school - teacher dealt but dd was upset. Roll forward the holidays and dd wants her round for a play - I asked if she was sure given what happened 'mummy you can't remember these things the next day as people don't always mean what they do'. So I invited her because there is no reason me holding a grudge of dd doesn't! Turns out the other girl didn't want to come so that was that. But dd was dealing with her friendship issue and I think it's important they learn to do that.

hollyisalovelyname · 05/08/2016 11:20

Well done OP.
You handled it very well.
I disagree with TheAntiBoop in this instance. Of course the OP is invested in the situation. 2 of her three girls were invited, BUT the child friendliest with the birthday girl was excluded.

Ireallydontseewhy · 05/08/2016 11:59

So, also at risk of being overinvested, I have another take on this, which is that party girl may think dd3 doesn't like her any more/has rejected/dumped her, as a result of 'The Tent Incident'.

Party girl and dd3 were sharing (with a n Other), then dd3 asked to swap tents on second night because she wanted to be with her dsis (and understandably didn't say the full reason why - can totally see dd3's reasons for keeping quiet). On the face of it (although not really) that seems a bit of a rejection of party girl by dd3, in that it just seems as though dd3 prefers to be with her sister than with her close friend. That is how I would interpret if it happened to me I think! So may all be a misunderstanding - but maybe after a break in the summer holidays it'll all be forgotten anyway.

As an aside, I think sleeping arrangements on trips can be quite stressful for some dcs - not all dcs, but some. I know primary school teachers, brownie leaders, youth leaders etc put quite a bit of thought into it.

scarednoob · 05/08/2016 12:06

sorry to derail but I opened the thread and my eye immediately fell on " Bumsex, I understand where you're coming from", which made me lol.

other than that, I agree and think you handled it well, OP.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 05/08/2016 12:18

that seems a bit of a rejection of party girl by dd3, in that it just seems as though dd3 prefers to be with her sister than with her close friend

I'd agree - but that part was for birthdays girls mum to discuss and sort prior to the invitations being sent. Rather than a tit for tat reaction which OP didn't agree with.

Birthday girls mom should've found out the real reason DD3 was left out rather than colluding with it.

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