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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they invited the wrong child?

312 replies

HyunaRiddle · 01/08/2016 20:10

I have triplet girls, they're 8 years olds.

2 are Brownies and 1 is a Cub

Youngest DD who is a brownie is very good friends with a girl, who is also a brownie, we've taken her out numerous times, DD has stayed over at her house overnight, I know the mum fairly well.

It's the girl's birthday next week and we've received 2 invites by email, for DD1 and DD2 not DD3.

DD2 is a Cub, has never spent more then a a few hours with the birthday girl, doesn't really like her all that much, but the name on the invite is clearly for DD2.

Do you think that they just put down the wrong name?

OP posts:
stinkingbishop · 02/08/2016 07:55

Completely off topic but, as a Mum of 4 year old twins who is just about beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel...to casually mention that you have triplets, take them to (different) evening activities, have time to post on MN, have conversations with adults on the phone...respect Grin.

Isetan · 02/08/2016 07:58

People need to calm down. Don't send any PA messages, just simply decline. Who knows what goes on in the heads of eight year olds (shudders to think) but if it was some kind of power play, simply not taking the bait will be enough.

Becky546 · 02/08/2016 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaRexit · 02/08/2016 07:59

I would decline.

Trills · 02/08/2016 08:08

Acceptable combinations of triplets to invite

Just the one she is actually friends with
Both who go to Brownies
All three

Not: the two she is least friends with

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 02/08/2016 08:18

What Stinking said - you're Wonder Woman!

Oh, and I agree with the others, decline the invitation, it's not fair or nice to leave out one child like that.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 02/08/2016 08:21

I don't see how you can not mention the party at all to the girls. Someone is bound to ask why they didn't go, either have a discussion with them all (possibly seperatlely) to find out how they feel, or make alternative arrangements and tell them as a done deal - we are doing this on this date, won't it be fun, it does mean that you can't go to X' party, but this will be better.

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 02/08/2016 08:37

I'd just decline - mention the party to the girls but not who was invited and who wasn't- sometimes these things can build into a bigger deal in the playground when adults are not around - so not worth it - it does seem mean that she has missed out her classmate and picked her sisters in another class - decline and let the girl puck other friends - you need to protect all 3 of your daughters feelings

Rubies12345 · 02/08/2016 08:43

this is 8yo birthday girl's nasty way of demonstrating to DD3 quite how out-of-favour she has fallen.

I agree. It's not about wanting dd2 that she doesn't know to be there. It's about making number 3 feel left out

CodyKing · 02/08/2016 08:47

deliberately excluding one of the pair

I have twins - they're not a pair but individuals with their own friends and interests -

This isn't about All or None - it's DD3 friends who's left her out - I'd tell all three DD why they aren't going - show support for their sibling who would be hurt -

And I would tell the mother why because otherwise she'll stir that it's was an all or nothing situation and people will stop inviting your kids -

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 02/08/2016 08:48

It's the summer holidays. You can easily not see the birthday girl til September. Only one other girl has been invited so it's not going to be talk of the school in a month.

rollonthesummer · 02/08/2016 09:26

I don't see how you can not mention the party at all to the girls. Someone is bound to ask why they didn't go, either have a discussion with them all (possibly seperatlely) to find out how they feel

Why?

Only one other child has been invited! I doubt they'll still be talking about it in a month?!

Floralnomad · 02/08/2016 09:38

I wouldn't mention to any of your girls who was invited , I'd just tell them ,in a casual passing way that none of you can go to X party because you are all doing something else that day . I think inviting one of a twin pair is fine. Inviting 2 of a triplet set is a bit like inviting a class and leaving 1/2 people out - not acceptable , and that's nothing to do with the other child her mother should have seen that that was wrong and not gone along with it .

murphys · 02/08/2016 09:55

My dd is friends with a set of triplets. I agree that she gets on better with one of them, than the other two, but this is only because they are in the same class, and have been each year (they triplets are split into different classes, so they each have their own group of friends as well). Every single party that she has had since starting at that school, we invite all 3 girls, and so does everyone else. Yes, dd could just invite the one triplet that she is most friendly with, but she likes all 3 of them, and its just the right thing to do.

I would decline OP. The birthday child is 8, and in my opinion, the mother of the that child should have had a little bit of say in who gets invited to the party. An 8 year old child will more than likely just think of themselves, what she wants etc, but the mother, as an adult, surely realizes that this situation just is not right.

tokoloshe2015 · 02/08/2016 10:14

My 8 year old DD is whittling down the list of names to invite to her party at the moment - and yes, why some people are chosen over the others, the impact that has, consistency in friendship and how she would feel, other people's feelings etc are part of the discussion.

Yes, she has a lot of choice, but I do provide guidance. Leaving out a good friend sends a message to that friend - so she needs to be sure that's a message she intends, know the impact that can have on the friend's feelings, and the future of the friendship. I would veto a completely unsuitable/ unfeeling choice.

At 8 they do still need guidance in social and emotional issues.

So I would decline for all DDs in this case.

nellieellie · 02/08/2016 10:14

I can't understand why some parents do not modify children's party invites. What sort of lesson is it to allow a child to exclude another deliberately? The mother should not have just asked her daughter was she sure she did not want to invite the other DD, she should have asked why, and then told her to exclude that sister would unkind, bad manners, and she could not do so. Simple, and then the child has learnt a valuable lesson.

EdmundCleverClogs · 02/08/2016 10:15

Murphy, it's not about inviting all three girls though. The second daughter doesn't socialise (or even get along) with the party girl. It about the third daughter -who apparently gets along especially well with the party girl - being left out, when it would obviously cause her hurt. It seems very intentional and mean on the birthday girl's side.

As for forgetting about it in a month, really? Would any of you 'forget' about it, if someone you considered a good friend deliberately snubbed you, not just in general, but for your sister that she barely knew? These type of playground politics aren't good, it may be nothing, or it could be the start of bullying/excluding behaviour. As has previously been said, best to say 'no' for both/all three but still invite the girl over during the summer. It says 'this wasn't ok, but we'll draw a line under it and move on'.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/08/2016 10:46

Think I might deal with it in the same way as Flora whilst quietly seething at the Parent's lack of tutoring and tact. Taking them out for the same day, if that's what you chose needn't be an expensive day out either, if that's an issue.

What have you decided in the end OP?

Original poster
HyunaRiddle · 02/08/2016 11:04

I casually told them over breakfast that x had invited a few of them out for her birthday but sadly we're going to visit grandparents in Surrey that particular day, they all naturally assumed that the few who received the invites were DD1 & DD3.

DD3 then got upset that she'd miss her "best friends" party and then DH started distracting them with all the fun things they'd do instead, she quickly moved on and I'm hoping she just doesn't bring it up again for a while.

I like the Mum and her daughter, she's a really nice kid, probably not the nicest thing she's done but she isn't as awful as some of you seem to think. I sent off a text 'thank you for the invites, but unfortunately we're away that day, hopefully the girls can meet up later in the summer'

Stinking, the early years were an absolute nightmare, pure horror, I don't really know how we survived, but the older they get the easier it becomes and DH takes the evening shift with them so that I don't go insane. I can't wait until they're teens and don't need to be taken everywhere, the amount of free time I will have be unbelievable

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 02/08/2016 11:13

Good move OP , although I think you are being a little too kind to the mum and daughter .

Jinglebells99 · 02/08/2016 11:23

I think it would have been better to tell your triplets who had been invited. Maybe DD3 would actually have an insight into why her so called friend had done that? Isn't it likely to come out when the girls are back at school and birthday girl starts saying, your sisters couldn't come to my birthday treat?!

Original poster
HyunaRiddle · 02/08/2016 11:26

Jinglebells, if it gets bought up, it'll be a month from now, I'll most likely slip it into conversation at some point, when the party's long past and they can think 'oh, yeah we went to DGPs instead and had a great time'

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 02/08/2016 11:28

Oh your poor dd3, I think you should tell her too, it would be awful if she mentioned the birthday and the friend said "you weren't invited" that would embarrass her on top of being upset.

Has the mother replied?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 02/08/2016 11:29

Cross post. I think you are wrong but hope you are right for your dd's sake

Oblomov16 · 02/08/2016 11:35

Just decline the invite.
Hang on a second, party girl is allowed to invite whomever she likes. Her Mum checked that she didn't mean dd3. She said no.
Dd3 may not know that they've fallen out. Or party girl may have just gone off her. She is allowed. It's party girls decision. End of. Party girl is allowed to invite whoever she wants.

Any comment about how this isn't reasonable; why not invite all 3; how nasty party girl is; why didn't mother step in; why did mother allow invite to go out.....

Is completely irrelevant.

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