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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think they invited the wrong child?

312 replies

HyunaRiddle · 01/08/2016 20:10

I have triplet girls, they're 8 years olds.

2 are Brownies and 1 is a Cub

Youngest DD who is a brownie is very good friends with a girl, who is also a brownie, we've taken her out numerous times, DD has stayed over at her house overnight, I know the mum fairly well.

It's the girl's birthday next week and we've received 2 invites by email, for DD1 and DD2 not DD3.

DD2 is a Cub, has never spent more then a a few hours with the birthday girl, doesn't really like her all that much, but the name on the invite is clearly for DD2.

Do you think that they just put down the wrong name?

OP posts:
Oblomov16 · 03/08/2016 21:03

Did you know about the cub camp tent thing before OP? Or did dd3 only tell dh now? How many weeks ago was cub camp? How has party girl been with dd3 since? Has the friendship cooled a bit? I suspect it has.
But your dd3 was very upset and claimed party girl was her best friend and she was keen to go to her party.

I think it is most likely that your dd3 and party girl see their friendship quite differently atm.

bumsexatthebingo · 03/08/2016 21:11

I wouldn't let one of mine invite 99% of a class but I have quite often had them invite one of a set of 2 siblings so I would have no issue with them inviting 2 of a set of 3. It is possible that the girl just prefers the other 2 siblings despite having not spent as much time with them. One of my dc has asked to invite a child they've spent a few hours with at the park before to their party! My kids are quite often not invited to parties the other sibling is invited to and although they can be a bit disappointed telling them that their friend was probably only allowed to invite so many and that you don't get to go to every party along with a nice activity for them at the same time as the party has always made any disappointment short-lived.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 03/08/2016 21:15

Oh dear, looks very deliberate on birthday girls part then. Well it definitely back fired. The mum must have known this was the reason, children definitely go home all indignant about 'slights' like this on them.

snowy508601 · 03/08/2016 21:19

Party girl is trying to mess with your DD3s head .Sadly this is the world of 8 yr old girls, I feel angry at the mum who seems thick as soup for allowing it. Before long her little snowflake will be on the receiving end of this sort of treatment and it might register then!

lalalalyra · 03/08/2016 21:21

The tent thing makes it understandable (for an 8yo) that she doesn't want to invite DD3. However, the spite in inviting DD2 in her place would have me cooling the friendship. Especially with the Mum allowing it.

I think children should be allowed to invite who they want in the main, but they shouldn't be allowed to use their party to hurt another child (inviting all the class bar 2, all the girls bar 1 etc).

Original poster
HyunaRiddle · 03/08/2016 22:04

Oblomov16, the brownie camp was on the last week of school, so they had school mom-Wednesday, Thursday off, brownie camp Friday night-Sunday morning, we went on holiday 2 days later and have only recently got back, so we haven't seen any friends or arranged any play dates.

DD3 spent Friday night with x in the tent but the guides were telling scary stories on a hike Saturday night and she got spooked and asked her leader to swap, I doubt she said she was scared to x.

It took DD3 a while to think about it as it really didn't register as a serious thing with her but I can see how x would have been annoyed/hurt by it, I think she was just acting out, her Mum should have nipped it in the bud as it's now grown into something far bigger than it originally was, I won't be accepting play dates for a long while from them, that's for sure.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 03/08/2016 22:21

It's a shame the mum didn't find out the problem from her daughter and then ask her daughter if she could discuss it with you to find out why your daughter didn't want to share a tent any more.
I can imagine that being booted out of a tent by a girl she considered a close friend with no explanation would have been hurtful for birthday girl though. Why didn't your daughter ask for the other girl to be booted out? She should have told birthday girl what the problem was and been really apologetic at asking to move tents.

CodyKing · 03/08/2016 22:24

Her DD moved into her sisters tent - she didn't boot birthday girl out -

C8H10N4O2 · 03/08/2016 22:27

Hyuna ours shared ancient Nissan Micra (still eye watering insurance) and we mentally added a percentage to that for a taxi fund. We did some driving, they learned to plan and share taxis with friends and used mix of public transport and car. Siblings will pick each other up if they have to share and reciprocate (be prepared for minute analysis of shares at times!). Also from day one - they could use the car but would be taken off insurance if they didn't abide by rules (not a sniff of alcohol, no strangers in car, if at all in doubt we would reimburse them for taxi rather than drive whilst tired etc). It was a useful bit of growing up for them too, luckily most of their friends had fairly similar rules and took turns or shared costs where one didn't drive/have access to car. We are London 'burbs and they were expert in minutiae of night buses, good cab firms etc when driving home wasn't sensible option. Our rules were more along 'come home late with people rather than earlier on own' etc. If you are in London these days it can be cheaper to run a taxi budget for shared taxis than car insurance but I viewed driving as a useful skill (and offset against 17th birthday presents, with supplementary low cost practice with DH in said banger as apparently he is a more relaxed teacher than I was, I cannot comment on whether I planned it that way Smile)

2rebecca · 03/08/2016 22:39

OK, I thought by "swap" someone else would have had to move as well and though the other DD moved in to her tent. Seems thoughtless not to tell her friend why she no longer wishes to share a tent with her though. The girl is bound to think she doesn't like her for some reason.
People were talking earlier about actions having consequences. I think DD£ needs to realise asking to move tent away from your friend without explaining why has consequences. She felt scared the other girl felt rejected.

Original poster
HyunaRiddle · 03/08/2016 22:39

2rebeca no one was booted out. DD left the tent and swapped places with one of the girls in DD1's tent, she told x and others that she just wanted to sleep with her sister because she didn't want x or other girls to know she was scared.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/08/2016 00:07

Oh goodness, I'd have to agree that the tent seems to be the reason, and I totally understand why your DD3 didn't want to tell her friend the truth about why she wanted to swap - given the current situation, AND that they're 8 (devious manipulative witches at that age, DS1 is that age and several of his female friends are having troubles with other girls at the moment) they would probably have laughed at her for it, probably played scary pranks on her etc.

8 yos can be awful. One of my DS1's friends is in a different class to him this year, and she was sitting at a table between 2 other girls, one of whom was supposed to be her friend, and the other of whom she hadn't been in a class with before. These 2 girls would talk across DS1's friend as though she wasn't there - talk about her, or just ignore her existence entirely - and do other mean petty things, like emptying her pencil sharpener into her bag, stealing her pencil case and hiding it, leaving nasty little notes in her bag. And THEN they'd change it up by one of them being all pally, asking her to play at break and then when it came to break, disappearing with the other one.
She told her mum one Sunday, after being asked why she was looking a bit distressed, that she was just wondering what new ways these 2 girls were devising to make her life miserable. That's what she actually said - so 8yos can definitely KNOW when others are deliberately targeting them.

Sorry that your DD3 has now found out the truth, but glad that she's angry about it really - because that's better than just being miserable. And that she'll have plenty of holiday time to play with other people instead. Seems like birthday girl has rather shot herself in the foot here, with the aid of her mother.

WanderingStar1 · 04/08/2016 00:13

Totally agree with SirVix on the last page! 8 yr old girls (though not boys, always.... Smile) know what's what and can understand how people would feel about stuff. The parents should never have allowed this situation to happen. I'd have said 'DD3 has always been your friend and will feel very upset if you don't invite her, imagine how you would feel. Have her plus either or both of the others, or none of them. End of'. Some 8 yr olds are mean and bitchy, I've seen it with one or two at DD's school. Most aren't, but none of them are stupid. This one is either a cow or very thoughtless, and her DM is totalling wrong for letting behave like that.

sunshinemode · 04/08/2016 00:21

I think the reactions here are strange. Yes the situation is weird but surely when your child is allowed only three children at their party you let them choose the guests. I have insisted on x and y previously but only when it's a large party.
Who knows the workings of little girls minds !

Mycraneisfixed · 04/08/2016 00:37

OP you sound a great mum and your girls will always have each other. Friends may come and go but triplets are foreverSmile

KeyserSophie · 04/08/2016 00:46

OP- I think you did the right thing. While I think it's fine to let kids choose their own invitees, there are certain situations I would just veto (like leaving out one child/girl/boy from a clear friendship group or class). This would have been one of them- I would have said "one or all". My friends with twins are always v clear that they want them treated as individuals and don't expect "auto-invites" for the other twin, but I think 2 out of 3 triplets is different unless there is a clear reason (e.g. the Brownie/cub thing).

However, it may be that birthday girl and DD3 will be besties again by next week and I wouldnt necessarily discourage it. Seems the tent thing may have been a "big thing" to the birthday girl.

AnnaMarlowe · 04/08/2016 01:38

sunshine you give your DC completely free choice even if you *kniw^ their choice is cruel to another child?

EverySongbirdSays · 04/08/2016 01:59

I did this once as a child. I was 8 and it was for my 9th birthday party which occurred in the school summer holidays.

I invited all the girls in my class but one, my mother tried to stop me bt I was having none of it.

The reason was, she had done the same to me several months previously, she had talked a big storm in school about her party, and as her apparent BFF at the time I was well excited. I referenced it one day like "oh at your party"...

She turned to me and said "well you won't be coming because me and my Mum discussed it" and then gave an incredibly mean reason for my exclusion (not money, behaviour or manners or "form" related ) just plain unkindness.

I was so hurt, that I wanted t make sure she knew how that felt. When my invites were out she looked for hers, and I think IIRC tried to justify why it was ok to exclude me for hers but not her from mine.

Yes I know it was petty. 8 year old girls are petty.

In this instance DD3 showed a preference for her sisters company over her best friend when scared (natural)

Best friend has punished this by "preferring her sisters" to show her what this "felt like".

The relationship isn't the same and this should've been explained to her.

AnnaMarlowe · 04/08/2016 03:19

Oblamov I would suggest that the give tent situation it might be reasonable (although lacking in empathy) to not invite DD3 but inviting the other two (who she isn't friends with) in other to highlight the exclusion of DD3 is spiteful.

I wouldn't have allowed those invitations in a million years.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/08/2016 04:06

Everysongbird - I know I probably shouldn't think so, but I think you did the right thing! There's taking the moral high ground, and then there's giving a good life lesson - in your case I think the latter was the better option.

I've just remembered something - when I was in senior school, an all-girl school, I was also the only one excluded from a party. It was being talked about in class (iirc we were all about 14 or 15) and I said the same sort of thing about "oh at your party..." when one of the other girls said "well YOU aren't invited so..." Wasn't even the party host! she refused to look at me (think she was embarrassed). Anyway, a bunch of the other girls in the class said "that's ridiculous, of course you should come too" and even took me along with them to make sure I went. No one said anything to me and the party host was fine with me, so I don't really know what that was all about but I'm glad the girls in the class stood up for me.

DonaldTrumpTriggersSJWlol · 04/08/2016 04:31

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Crazymamaha · 04/08/2016 06:55

I wouldn't let the 2 invited go without my third,how sad for your twin not invited.I would call up and explain sorry I can't let my 2 go without my third as she's upset about it or something like that.Terrible

pollymere · 04/08/2016 09:03

I'm wondering if DD3 got a physical invite, or should have done. My DD would invite her best friends personally with others getting an email. If you know the Mum well enough to let you DD stay over, I suggest you just give her a call. My DD fell out with a friend close to her birthday and didn't invite her. I explained to the Mum and left a space in our plans which unsurprisingly was needed when they made up. The Mum might at least know what is going on!

nick247 · 04/08/2016 09:16

8 year olds can be quite fickle and change friends rapidly, when my DD was that age it was anybody's guess who was best friends with whom on a daily bases . Surely the sisters should be treated as individuals , why should they always come as a package? I am sure that when the OP's children had parties they did not invite everybody that they know, chances are one or more of the triplets friends may have been left out and felt hurt , but OP was not aware of this. You say you should teach party girl a lesson for being mean, surely it is better to teach your triplets that life is not always 'fair' I am sure there is nothing personal in the invites. My daughter was once excluded from a party of who she considered a best friend , she definitely forget about it weeks later. She was NOT scarred for life!

ha01rds · 04/08/2016 09:33

How mean! I think it's all a bit odd and I would question why the other Mum hasn't given her daughter some parental guidance on this. Seems a bit spiteful to me, as if they've fallen out, in which case asking 1 and 2 is rubbing 3's nose in it. I wouldn't want another kid using 2 of my girls to be spiteful to my 3rd. I would definitely decline and make a cool day out for my girls if I was you.