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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they invited the wrong child?

312 replies

HyunaRiddle · 01/08/2016 20:10

I have triplet girls, they're 8 years olds.

2 are Brownies and 1 is a Cub

Youngest DD who is a brownie is very good friends with a girl, who is also a brownie, we've taken her out numerous times, DD has stayed over at her house overnight, I know the mum fairly well.

It's the girl's birthday next week and we've received 2 invites by email, for DD1 and DD2 not DD3.

DD2 is a Cub, has never spent more then a a few hours with the birthday girl, doesn't really like her all that much, but the name on the invite is clearly for DD2.

Do you think that they just put down the wrong name?

OP posts:
andintothefire · 02/08/2016 16:03

Nice reply from the other girl's mother - reading between the lines it sounds as though she knows exactly why they are not coming and acknowledges that DD3 should not be left out again. It was probably just all a bit unthinking (though I agree you handled it brilliantly and it was a very odd situation to put you in)

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 02/08/2016 16:07

You handled it well

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/08/2016 16:07

Dowager - I guess that would depend on whether they were same-sex twins, or in the same class.

DS1 has twin girls in his year - they have been in the same class, and in separate classes (they don't stay in the same class as they go up the years here) - but we would still invite both of them if we were going to, because he does know them both. (We don't, because they're not very nice to DS1, tbh, but that's by the by) But if he'd only ever known one of them, then I would only expect him to invite the one he knows, although I probably would also suggest the other one came along too!

We have boy-girl twins in my family; they were both invited to the same party only up until the age of 5, then not.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/08/2016 16:13

Think you've handled that one beautifully OP. Have a lovely day at the GPs.

bumsexatthebingo · 02/08/2016 16:28

It sounds more like your dd does a lot of the same things the other child does rather than that they are best friends. Maybe the other child doesn't actually like her that much. Maybe dd3 sometimes isn't very nice to her - who knows? I feel sorry for your dd1 who didn't even get the choice of whether to go or not and also dd3 who is being lied to and still (possibly) thinks this other girl really likes her. In my experience things like this happen with parties. Sometimes one child from a group of friends is left out who feels they are a better friend than some of the others. Sometimes one is left out of a group of siblings. I think an 8yo should be allowed to process what has happened and deal with it with their friend rather than being sheltered from it.

CatsAndCocktails · 02/08/2016 16:31

I think you handled it really well OP and I hope your DDs have a lovely time visiting their grandparents.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/08/2016 16:32

If their relationship is just that the do the same activities, why does the other child invite her on sleepovers?

carabos · 02/08/2016 16:44

I'm intrigued by the mum's response saying she hopes that "all the girls " can meet up over the holidays. I'm not reading that as acknowledging that DD3 should be included, I'm reading it as DDs 1&2 MUST be included- in other words, the friendship is not with DD3. She's reinforcing that her DD doesn't want to spend time 1:1 with DD3.

I'd bin them off tbh.

AnnaMarlowe · 02/08/2016 16:46

Oblamov how would you feel if your best friend invited your DH to a party but not you?

Inviting you but not your DH might be fine, because you are the friend. The other way round it's mean.

For all those saying "but the party girl is only 8yo she doesn't understand" I can only assume you haven't come into contact with any 8 yo girls recently. My DD is 8yo. She has been treated to a campaign of quite unbelievable manipulation and underhand bullying by another 8 yo girl in her social group this year. A girl who is very pretty, clever, talented and behaves beautifully at school.

And who we, for the sake of taking the moral higher ground, included at our most recent party. watched her like a hawk

OP You have dealt with everything very nicely and without unnecessary drama. I think I'd be politely too busy for a play date anytime soon though.

Original poster
HyunaRiddle · 02/08/2016 16:50

They don't just do the same activities, DD3 has been there for sleepovers, has been taken out by the family etc whereas neither of the other 2 have. The same activities just mean that unlike DD1 & DD2, DD3 and the girl see each other all the time.

Their's no need to feel sorry for my kids, they're excited to go to GPs, DD3 is the only one that's fussing about it, I'll tell her that she wasn't invited after the birthday, so it won't be as hurtful.

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 02/08/2016 16:53

I think that's what she's saying too carabos. And I bet she's had a conversation with her DD about why she hasn't invited DD3 too because you would, wouldn't you?

If my DS suddenly wanted to invite his BF's brother instead of his BF to his party, I'd ask why.

carabos · 02/08/2016 16:57

Meant to ask OP, what sort of triplets are they? Have you got a set of identical twins plus one, three identical or three fraternal?

I think if you've got identical twins and they are DDs 1&2, then there may be your answer. Novelty value. 8 year olds love novelty.

Just a shot in the dark.

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/08/2016 16:57

Thumb, one of DS's (7) best friends is the boy half of B/G twins. He gets on well enough with the sister, so we would always invite both, even though he wouldn't necessarily play with her at school.

To be fair, as they get older and the birthdays change to being less of a free-for-all, numbers-wise, it will probably change.

I'm in the thick of that age group, where the numbers for bday parties are fairly ridiculous (DD's party this weekend 😬), and am looking forward to that changing. I do hate the idea of kids needlessly feeling left out, though.

Original poster
HyunaRiddle · 02/08/2016 17:00

Carabos, I didn't read it that way, but DD1 & DD2 have no interest in a friendship with x, they have nothing in common and don't go along with DD3 when they've been invited over, I'm not too keen on the friendship after this, so it doesn't really bother me, I'm just glad that it's happened now, so their's lot of ample time for DD3 to interact with other DCs.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 02/08/2016 17:02

I would absolutely be fostering other friendships after this - you're doing the right thing.

Original poster
HyunaRiddle · 02/08/2016 17:02

Carabos, they're fraternal but DD2 & DD3 look so alike that with a change of hair style they could pass off as identical.

OP posts:
AnnaMarlowe · 02/08/2016 17:10

I think you are right Hyunga there will be something behind it. Perhaps it will all come out in the wash later.

I'm surprised the party Mum
allowed it though.

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 02/08/2016 17:18

I wouldn't actually send it but I'd be so tempted to tell the mum that you'll be declining as the only one who actually wanted to go to the party was DD3.

Hopefully the girl doesn't blame DD3 for her sisters not going to the party.

tofutti · 02/08/2016 18:03

This brings back memories of Sweet Valley High! Although Jessica would have insisted on going to the party and rubbed Elizabeth's face in it.

(Well handled, OP. I'm sure the mum knows why you declined. Hopefully her DD is suitably chagrined).

IwannaSnorlax · 02/08/2016 18:04

I think you've handled that well Op - hope you all enjoy the day at the DGPs (& DD3 bins the friendship off!!)

NataliaOsipova · 02/08/2016 18:13

Agree with others - really well handled by the OP. I'm sure the other mother got the point, but there's nothing she can criticise you for - all very courteous, all very pleasant, all very grown up. I'd be cooling off that friendship, though.....!

Sunshineonacloudyday · 02/08/2016 20:02

Maybe her DD doesn't like DD3 at the moment so wants the other sisters instead. You have to be careful of bullying your daughter will be hurt when it comes out and she may ostracize her at school. Girls can be so wicked when they are ready. You have to have a good talk with her about the invite incase her DD brings it up. I agree with the others bin that toxic friendship and tbh I think the mother is weird to even allow that to happen. What is she teaching her daughter anyway put mean girls on for your DDs.

mydietstartsmonday · 03/08/2016 17:59

Handled very well and fairly.

happypoobum · 03/08/2016 18:10

You handled this really well OP much better than I would have but I do think at some point you need to ensure DD3 knows she wasn't invited to the party.

If, and it's only and if, the party girl is being manipulative and mean, then you are setting DD3 up for a rough ride if she says "sorry I couldn't come to your party" and party girl says "I didn't invite you."

My DD is 19 now but I still remember some of the truly awful things the girls in her class did to each other around that age. Excluding one child for three days, then saying oh let's play at breaktime. Then when the excluded child bounds up to them at playtime, asking what she's doing, they don't want to speak to her, why would she think they'd want to play with her?............

CatOnMyLap · 03/08/2016 18:45

Is it possible that she doesn't realise you have triplets and not just twins? And that she thinks she has invited everyone and is a bit confused about the names?

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