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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think my relationship is over

210 replies

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 20:57

Pretty sure my relationship will be over in the next couple of days!

Huge backstory but too long and complicated.

Been desperate for partner to propose been waiting 13 years! Gone away on holiday and was led to believe he may propose but absolutely no sign of it and only one day left.
I am getting older and he keeps acting like he wants to marry me when we have spoken about it but never has asked. I'm getting too old to have kids so I need to start thinking about my future.
I'm so sad that how I feel doesn't matter. He knows how desperate I am and has said he wants to marry me.

I want to be married before kids and it's really important to me and something I want for myself so am not willing to compromise on it.

I'm sure I'm being U but I just cannot see his point of view at all.

OP posts:
Lewwat · 31/07/2016 20:59

Propose to him

DeathStare · 31/07/2016 20:59

If it is so important to you then why are you waiting for him to propose? Why not just have an adult conversation about it and agree a date?

justdontevenfuckingstart · 31/07/2016 21:00

Ask him? you'll have an answer even tho it may not be the one you want.

Writerwannabe83 · 31/07/2016 21:00

Oh I'm sorry tweetiepie - I think you are doing the right thing though. If he's not asked you in 13 years then I doubt he's planning on doing it Sad

Are you both about the same age?

Flowers
Junosmum · 31/07/2016 21:00

Yanbu. You need to consider the future you want and whether he can offer that for you.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 31/07/2016 21:01

Neither of you is being U, you can't he,p feeling the way you do, anymore than he can. If neither of you is prepared to budge on this then it may be the end of your relationship, but have you considered proposing to him? It may not be the romantic dream proposal that you hanker after, but that may be the compromise you need. If the relationship is ending anyway, then you've got nothing to lose. Just don't think that getting married will fox everything, even if it happens. It's not a sticking plaster.

hazeimcgee · 31/07/2016 21:02

I think you need to have a really serious yhink and a serious chat.

Have you told him that you're at an age where you want to have a family but for you that means marriage first? What des he say? If he says yeah me too babe, ask for a time frame.

Does he think you want a huge wedding you can ill afford?

How does he feel about having kids?

Are you prepared to walk away from a guy you love because he doesn't see marriage in the same way?

Are you prepared to walk away from him and risk never meeting anyone else you want to marry or not within time to have kids?

It sounds like a lot of pressure on you both tbh

I personally would say BU but it depends i guess on why you want to be marries first, whether this is typical of your feelings not being inportant, how old you are etc

Arfarfanarf · 31/07/2016 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

d270r0 · 31/07/2016 21:03

I wouldn't wait for him to ask now. Just say so are we getting married or not? If he says yes start preparations, go and choose a ring together. He knows how much you want it so is messing you about, don't let him! You can't wait forever, give him an ultimatum.

MsStricty · 31/07/2016 21:03

I am definitely not going to say you're being unreasonable, Tweetiepie.

I can't see his point of view at all. I see yours, though, and clearly.

Flowers
Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:04

He is quite old fashioned and would find it really odd if I proposed and to be honest I'm not sure I want to spend my life with someone that isn't really that interested in how I feel and what is important to me.

We have spoken about it numerous times and he always says how he wants to marry me just hasn't asked yet.

OP posts:
hazeimcgee · 31/07/2016 21:06

So when he's saying he wants to, ask when cos your clock is ticking and you want a baby. But phrase it less bunny boiler. How old are you both?

Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:06

We have had long conversations about it and I have explained about kids etc etc and he just says he would love children, feels the same way would love to be married to me but that's as far as it goes. I have been talking to him seriously about this for years!

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 31/07/2016 21:07

If you've been together 13 years have you discussed your future? Do you talk about life with kids etc?

Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:08

Late 30's and yeah I have asked for a time frame he just says he doesn't know but soon

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 31/07/2016 21:08

Cross post.

Do you own a house together? Does he know about fertility and timescales?

Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:09

Yes we have spoken and our future both want kids, marriage etc etc

I just don't have anywhere to go from here.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 31/07/2016 21:10

13years!!! This guy has used up 13 years of your young, child-bearing years. He knows what you want but it's only what he wants that matters. He is very selfish. Is that what you really want in a husband?

Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:11

Nerr he knows about time frame I have talked him through it regularly!

We live with his mother for various reasons but mainly we can't afford to but a house in this area and can't move away because of elderly dependant relative.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:13

Cora, I know that's what I tell myself all the time but I really do love him and do believe he loves me too. He says he has been selfish and he is sorry, wants to move forwards, wants kids marriage etc but just doesn't do anything about it even with ultimatums

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 31/07/2016 21:14

What if he says "yeah I want that too, let's get engaged" and then the actual wedding never materialises?

I think you need to say you want children, you don't have much time left, you've wasted 13 years(!), so you want to get married asap, within the next couple of months, and a registry office do will suffice as the marriage is what's important and not a big wedding", and see what he says.

IthinkIamsinking · 31/07/2016 21:15

Cant see this ending well. Sounds like you are putting him under pressure because you feel under pressure re: having a baby. A marriage proposal shouldn't really be the result of pressure or ultimatums so I wouldn't do that either. Sounds to me as if he has no desire to get married and is stringing you along. I think you need to have one last conversation about it all then it may be time to accept the r'ship is not giving you want to want and end it.

Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:16

Aye, I have said all of that pretty much verbatim
But he doesn't ask still and if I said well should we just plan a date etc he just says yeah at some point.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/07/2016 21:17

What do you think about telling him it's over, that you want someone who'll commit to you and have a child with you? Call his bluff. You'll have to be prepared to carry it through, though - it might take him a few weeks to come round to realising he's buggered things up with you. It's a win-win situation. You won't have to ask him to marry you (and I can understand your reasons for that) and if he doesn't come running after you, you have time to meet someone else who's on the same wavelength as you.

IthinkIamsinking · 31/07/2016 21:18

Agree with Imperial