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Original poster

Think my relationship is over

210 replies

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 20:57

Pretty sure my relationship will be over in the next couple of days!

Huge backstory but too long and complicated.

Been desperate for partner to propose been waiting 13 years! Gone away on holiday and was led to believe he may propose but absolutely no sign of it and only one day left.
I am getting older and he keeps acting like he wants to marry me when we have spoken about it but never has asked. I'm getting too old to have kids so I need to start thinking about my future.
I'm so sad that how I feel doesn't matter. He knows how desperate I am and has said he wants to marry me.

I want to be married before kids and it's really important to me and something I want for myself so am not willing to compromise on it.

I'm sure I'm being U but I just cannot see his point of view at all.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 31/07/2016 22:18

"Gone away on holiday and was led to believe he may propose but absolutely no sign of it and only one day left."

Exactly what was it that led you to believe that he may propose during your holiday, Tweetiepie?

Did he tell you that he was going to?

beccabanana · 31/07/2016 22:22

Ultimately you need to decide what is more important to you; the chance (but not 100% guarantee) of marriage and kids with someone else, or your love for him and no more. If it's the former, you need to have serious words now as it doesn't sound like he has any intention of pulling his finger out. If he cares about you the same way you do him, he won't lose you over this. If he does, he isn't deserving of you. Good luck OP, I really feel for you

razmataz · 31/07/2016 22:23

Tweetiepie, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I am almost in the exact same situation - 10 years with partner and the same 'soon, soon, be patient' type responses and refusing to commit to any sort of timeline, and no real reason given behind waiting.

We'd discussed it many times and I'd given him ultimatums (sort of) to no effect. And in the end, I've realised that I've fallen out of love with him. Had a conversation to end the relationship, and it gave him a massive wake up call and he told me about all these plans to propose and how he was waiting for it to be amazing. But sadly for me it's too little too late and my feelings have already gone - for me his position has been unrelentingly selfish (there have been many other things too) and that more than anything made me realise that a proposal now wouldn't be enough to fix the relationship.

So I can only say that I completely empathise and I'm really sorry you're going through it, but be brave and I hope it works out for you.

RowenaDahl · 31/07/2016 22:24

I had this. Finally came to my senses and got rid as I realised it didn't matter how I felt.

Had a brief spell of singledom then met DH who proposed after 5 months. Together for almost 10 years now. I haven't looked back.

I suggest you cut your losses. Do you want to be with someone who can't make up their mind/put your first for once?

mathanxiety · 31/07/2016 22:24

I missed the bit about you both living with his mother.

He is definitely not going to marry you or have a child with you as long as that is the situation.

'Old fashioned'?

Yes, run.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 31/07/2016 22:25

Stop tiptoeing around the subject, lay it on the line. If he does want to marry, set a date, make plans. Same for children. If he doesn't want either then he should have told you a long time ago and he has been a selfish prick. Maybe he's happy living the life of Larry, no commitments. You need to take control of your happiness though!

ZansForCans · 31/07/2016 22:26

OP you have time. You can tell him it's over, you've had enough of the waiting for marriage and kids and feeling like what you want doesn't matter, and strike out on your own. If he is the man for you (and you still want him) there's nothing to stop him marrying you and starting TTC right now, this year. If not, you won't get that from him and it will be hard, but you're better starting this new life as soon as you can, and maybe having DC after all.

No you don't want to railroad the nearest bloke into marriage and kids in a 2-year timeframe, but things can happen, you never know who you'll meet or what you'll decide.

Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 22:29

Sorry it's taken me a while to reply.

When I said make him leave I meant the relationship sorry it didn't come out right, I would be moving in with family him staying where he is.

You are all right, I know. I just really am living in hope!

I will try and be clearer,

I will say
It's really important for me to get married before kids and in running out of time to conceive
He will say, yeah I want kids to it would be great to have them running around
I will say I want to be married before kids
He will say yeah so do I
I will say well when
He will say soon, I just wish I had asked you before now.
And this goes on and in with slight variations but you get the just.

When I have brought up time frames and stuff he just said soon and 'oh we have holiday soon' in the context of our conversation sort of made it sound that was what he was planning.

OP posts:
EllsTeeth · 31/07/2016 22:33

OP even if he proposes tomorrow you need to set a date in the near future and start TTC as soon as you are comfortable (that's you not him). Beware of him getting engaged to buy himself time with no intention of setting a date. For me, at late 30s TTC would take priority over marriage too but I totally understand why you want both. Sorry your holiday hasn't been what you hoped Flowers

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 31/07/2016 22:34

This is YOUR life.

Live it the way YOU want to live it. He has hijacked it for long enough. It's time for you to take control, and he can join you if he wishes.

Imagine the regrets you will have in 10 years if you stay with him.

SonicSpotlight · 31/07/2016 22:34

Do you want children? If the answer is yes, leave him. You've waited most of your fertile years for him. Are you going to keep waiting until it's too late?

Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 22:34

Thank you all so much for your advice and a jolly good kick up the bum.
I can't do anything until the holiday is over, he may suddenly surprise me within the next day or so! Or not but I have to give him this.
Then I think that's it which is really sad.
I just can't face telling friends and family it will be awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 22:36

Sonic, yes I want kids and marriage. It's really important to me but I wanted those things with him and it looks like that won't be happening.

OP posts:
Cheby · 31/07/2016 22:36

Echo what the other posters have said OP. Walk away and walk away now. He is stringing you along.
A relative of mine had a similar situation, series of unsuccessful relationships (don't know why, she's lovely) ending in her being single at 41, the last guy having string her along for 5 years knowing she was desperate for a baby (he was an arsehole of the highest order, ugh!).

She met someone else quickly and they had their DD when she was 44, via IVF. They are blissfully happy.

There is still time OP, just not if you stay with your current partner.

LindyHemming · 31/07/2016 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SonicSpotlight · 31/07/2016 22:39

I'd imagine a lot of your family and friends won't be surprised that you've had enough of waiting.

If he does suddenly pull out a ring, you need to fix a wedding date that means you'd be married within the next 6 months. I think, as someone has said above, that he might try to rob you off with an open ended engagement once he realises you are serious about ending things.

AtSea1979 · 31/07/2016 22:39

OP I wouldn't worry about telling friends and family, sorry but they probably already think you should have left him by now and probably won't be surprised. 13 years is way too long to waste on someone who isn't giving you what you want.

RowenaDahl · 31/07/2016 22:40

Tweetiepie, it is tough but you are going to have to tell him you WANT to be with someone who wants marriage and children and for that reason you are going to cut your losses and go. If you are important to him, he will fight for you.

I'm sorry but from what you have said I don't think he will fight for you.

A friend of mine went through something similar with her XP. Not as long as 13 years but he was adamant he didn't want children and was dragging his heels about getting married. They split up and within a year of meeting new woman he was married with a baby on the way.

Two good books I read when I was going through this....
Why Men Love Bitches
He's Just Not That Into You

SonicSpotlight · 31/07/2016 22:41

If you've been wanting DC with him for 13 years you need to think about what matters more to you - him or DC. It looks like you might not be able to have both.

Chippednailvarnishing · 31/07/2016 22:42

Just out of interest, what would he say if you told him you were pregnant?

EllsTeeth · 31/07/2016 22:42

I'll say it again, even if he does surprise you in the next day or so I would want a date booked within the next 3 months (that's the date of the wedding within the next 3 months not a booking made) and to be TTC immediately after. An engagement with no date set could be just another stalling technique. Look out for yourself. I know it must be incredibly hard but as countless pp have said you will regret it for the rest of your life if you waste the remainder of your fertile years on this man.

ZansForCans · 31/07/2016 22:42

I just can't face telling friends and family it will be awful.

I thought that but you know, the more people you tell, the stronger you feel and the more support you have. I started with a friend who I confided in before I actually left ExP, that it was what I wanted. I usually try to cope alone and am not good at opening up about emotional things, but my friend was great about it and really understanding (even though she knew him first!).

Yes some people are shocked especially if they thought of you as a great couple, but most are lovely and supportive. Don't worry about that part, if it comes to it.

MapMyMum · 31/07/2016 22:42

Then its ultimatum time. If he hasnt proposed in say 3 months time then youll find someone that wont waste your time...

bakeoffcake · 31/07/2016 22:42

I agree with others, you've spent years hanging on for him, younow need to take charge
Tell him you want to get married and start a family within the next year. If his reply isn't "so do I, let's start organising the wedding" you need to leave and get on with the rest of your life.Flowers

becciandbump · 31/07/2016 22:45

op I feel for you I dated a man for 6 years who wouldn't commit so I left. 3 years later im married and pregnant and I couldn't imagine my life without my husband. It is possible to move on 13 years is a long time to wait if you know what you want and children are important then don't be scared to go after what u want as far as I see it everyone deserves to have a happy marriage and family I don't understand why he is putting this off if he does love you. Xx

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