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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Think my relationship is over

210 replies

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 20:57

Pretty sure my relationship will be over in the next couple of days!

Huge backstory but too long and complicated.

Been desperate for partner to propose been waiting 13 years! Gone away on holiday and was led to believe he may propose but absolutely no sign of it and only one day left.
I am getting older and he keeps acting like he wants to marry me when we have spoken about it but never has asked. I'm getting too old to have kids so I need to start thinking about my future.
I'm so sad that how I feel doesn't matter. He knows how desperate I am and has said he wants to marry me.

I want to be married before kids and it's really important to me and something I want for myself so am not willing to compromise on it.

I'm sure I'm being U but I just cannot see his point of view at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:18

Ithink,
I know it's not ideal to give ultimatums but I really have no other idea what to do and as you say am pretty sure it's over now anyway.

OP posts:

IthinkIamsinking · 31/07/2016 21:19

Really feel for you OP

Original poster

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:21

Imperial, I do wonder if it might give him a wake up call but im not sure. I'm just so confused and quite hurt really.

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 31/07/2016 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:24

Arf, yeah I think you might be right! I'm just not sure I'm really going to find someone else, have a relationship, get married, have kids with a couple of years time frame. Think I may have left it all too late clinging on and hoping.

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 31/07/2016 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyeAmarok · 31/07/2016 21:28

He's a horrible cruel bastard.

Men who do this are total arseholes.

CoraPirbright · 31/07/2016 21:29

I would make serious plans to extricate yourself. Then lay it on the line "I want children, you want children. I am X years old. I have roughly X years of fertility left. If we are going to do this then let's do it". And see what he says. If he prevaricates then you'll have your answer. I had to make this plan but I was 4 years in, not 13. Either he is a muppet with no idea about fertility or he is deliberately stringing you along which is just cruel.

EllsTeeth · 31/07/2016 21:32

So sorry tweetie what a rotten situation. I agree that if you have spoken about it regularly, he knows exactly how you feel, he is aware of fertility timeframes and you guys are in your late 30s then you should call his bluff and tell him you're off. 13 years is a heck of a long time to wait and he is calling all the shots here. You may meet someone else in time to have children or you may not but if you stay and he puts you off time and time again you'll never know. If you leave and he doesn't come after you, propose (and actually get married quickly) and plan a family then you will have your answer. It is so hard for women with their fertility ticking away. Don't waste any more of your time on him. How would you feel if you get a few years down the line, still not married and too late to have kids and he ups and leaves you and marries someone else? Don't let it happen to you.

Cally70 · 31/07/2016 21:32

Do not waste your fast diminishing fertility waiting for him. You will regret it for the rest of your life.

If you really do want children, & you don't have the luxury of time of meeting done new and establishing a relationship, have you considered going it alone?

Original poster

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:34

Thing is I understand what you are saying but I really have said everything you could think of to say. I have explained all about children and how many years I have left, he just says yeah I want children too. It is so frustrating as everything just goes back to him saying he wished he had asked me sooner and just hasn't asked me yet.

OP posts:

EllsTeeth · 31/07/2016 21:35

Just leave. Tell him exactly why you're leaving and follow through. If he comes after you all well and good, if not get on with your life and chase your dream of a family! Don't let him rob you of your chance of a family.

Girlsthatdance · 31/07/2016 21:37

Have you made other life plans with a timescale? What would the position regarding your home be if you got married and had children?

Original poster

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:37

Calmly, I'm not really in a position to have a child on my own. In saying that if I met someone a few years down the line I wouldn't be against the idea of adopting/fostering byt was really hoping for my own with my partner

OP posts:

PedantPending · 31/07/2016 21:37

OP are you economically independent?
If you are, based on your responses to previous posters, I suggest finding your own place and moving out. You do not sound happy and your OH does not sound sincere (I am being VERY diplomatic here).

Girlsthatdance · 31/07/2016 21:38

I think you should walk away for what it's worth.

Original poster

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:39

Girls, we would have to stay as we are until elderly relation had passed.

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 31/07/2016 21:40

Oh, sweetie

Walk away.
Don't allow him to waste more of your time.

If you making yourself not available, focusses his mind, I'd still be very careful about exactly what promises he makes.

Make the decision for him as he is clearly not going to.

acasualobserver · 31/07/2016 21:40

I'm just not sure I'm really going to find someone else, have a relationship, get married, have kids with a couple of years time frame.

And one would have to feel sorry for any man drawn into such a plan. Your current situation is as much of your own making as anyone else's - you should not have allowed yourself to be strung along for 13 years.

Original poster

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:41

Pendant, I have some family so could move back to them for now and sort my life out if I had too. I have some money coming in not a huge amount but enough to live.

OP posts:

CrushedNinjas · 31/07/2016 21:41

My ex was a bit like this (12 yrs) but we split when I was 36. Luckily, I met someone else (much nicer all around) a few years later and had my DS at 43.
Honestly, give him an ultimatum and then leave him and start living your own life on your terms.

MermaidTears · 31/07/2016 21:41

Why are you wasting your time. Sadly I know a couple who were like this...and that day he promised just never come. She ended up childless and can still be found to this day in her fifties. Crying and dunk at family gatherings rambling on about how she would have lived children and slagging him off for not letting her. They stayed together but my god how resentful she must be of him.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 31/07/2016 21:42

Actions speak louder than words OP
He doesn't want to get married. You now need to decide what works for you.

Original poster

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:43

Acasual, you are quite right of course. I wish I had finished it after a couple of years but I lived in hope and as time has gone on it will be so much more painful.

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 31/07/2016 21:44

HIndsight is a wonderful thing…

You cannot undo the last 13 years, but you can (and should IMO) stop him from wasting another 5 minutes of your life.

I'm glad to read you have somewhere you could find shelter for a while.

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