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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think my relationship is over

210 replies

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 20:57

Pretty sure my relationship will be over in the next couple of days!

Huge backstory but too long and complicated.

Been desperate for partner to propose been waiting 13 years! Gone away on holiday and was led to believe he may propose but absolutely no sign of it and only one day left.
I am getting older and he keeps acting like he wants to marry me when we have spoken about it but never has asked. I'm getting too old to have kids so I need to start thinking about my future.
I'm so sad that how I feel doesn't matter. He knows how desperate I am and has said he wants to marry me.

I want to be married before kids and it's really important to me and something I want for myself so am not willing to compromise on it.

I'm sure I'm being U but I just cannot see his point of view at all.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 31/07/2016 22:47

I will be really hoping that the last day of your holiday brings with it the longed for proposal, Tweetiepie.

If it doesn't, would it be possible for you to tell your partner that you need some immediate time apart, to give you both the chance to think about whether you have a future together?

When I say "immediate time apart", would it be possible for you to go direct to your family as soon as the holiday ends, rather than to his mother's home, with your partner?

Benedikte2 · 31/07/2016 22:48

Like a lot of men yours likes the idea of having kids in theory but not in reality and he knows if he marries you the next step will be kids and he's petrified of the responsibility etc -- in other words he's a selfish git.
The heartbreak is that if he meets a younger woman he'll be less confident of his ability to keep her and will probably propose and have kids within a year or two.
You need to do what is best for you. Sometimes taking a risk is worth it.
Good luck

twittwooery · 31/07/2016 22:49

Honestly if you think he's a decent man and apart from this, you're happy with him I can't see any issue in you proposing or giving an ultimatum. If you're going to leave anyway may as well have one last straight to the point attempt. What's the worst that could happen? He'd says no? You were gonna leave anyway but make sure you talk about a specific time frame and it isn't a yes to be married 5 years from now

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 31/07/2016 22:53

Just a small warning - if you do walk away and he comes running back, you need to think it through - that much pressure might ultimately lead to a break-up anyway.
13 years is far too long. End of holiday it is. Not a second longer.

neolara · 31/07/2016 22:55

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Imo you should walk away. If he hasn't proposed by now, their is a reason. I knew a couple of women in your situation. They couples all eventually broke up, the men all met, married and had kids with new partners very quickly.

Novinosincebambino · 31/07/2016 22:59

Tweetiepie I have been in your situation and had to have a heart in my mouth conversation with him. I told him I wanted marriage and kids and for me it was a deal breaker if he didn't. I explained that he was being selfish to hold on to me because he didn't want to lose me (his words) when he knew from the beginning what I wanted. He didn't know if marriage was for him, but I knew it was for me so I left. It wasn't an ultimatum or an empty threat, I just didn't want to stay with someone who stole something so important from me as I knew I would grow to resent him. It was the wake up call he needed. I hope everything works out for you.

EweAreHere · 31/07/2016 23:27

I'm sorry Tweetiepie, but it sounds like he's stringing you along.

If he doesn't propose and allow a date in the near future to be set tomorrow (since you're adamant that he has to be the one to propose), then as soon as you get home from the holiday, I would literally start packing my stuff. Just pack. And if he asks, tell him you're leaving. He knows you want to get married and have children, and he has made no moves in that direction and it's unfair to you. Tell him you're done waiting. And don't be talked round.

Let him see what life is like without you. He may come round and ask you to reconsider, and then YOU can decide if you still want to have a future with him on YOUR terms. He may not come round, but at least you'll know he doesn't want you and what you want, and can you move on.

smurfette1818 · 31/07/2016 23:44

He will say soon, I just wish I had asked you before now.
And this goes on and in with slight variations but you get the just.

might not be the answer to your original question but I've got the impression that you and him are not in a equal partnership. The fact that he doesn't take your worry/concern seriously. Having been together for 13 years, you should be able to sit down and have an honest conversation about it. If he cares about you, he should have considered your position and be honest with you rather than dragged things, leaving you in limbo. Are you sure you want to be with him for the rest of your life? Life is much more complex with children and would even harder with an unhelpful partner

GeezAJammyPeece · 01/08/2016 00:13

Awww, I really feel for you, what a horrid situation to find yourself in Sad

I must agree with a lot of previous posters : it's time for you to make a stand.
If you are adamant that HE must do the proposing then make that part of your ultimatum.
"Are we getting married & having kids?" If the answer is some form of Yes, then
"When are we getting married & having kids? because if you don't ask me by xxx and we have a date set by yyy, I'm done. You have known for sometime that marriage and a family with you is important to me and if you won't properly commit then we need to go our separate ways"
Or words to that effect.

I really wish you all the best, whether that is him coming to his senses and getting on with it; or you having the strength to move on.

stabbytheunicorn · 01/08/2016 02:15

I was in your situation 14 years ago. Only difference was I was in my mid twenties and we'd only been together 6 year. We'd been living together for 2 and I was desperate to move onto the next stage. We got "engaged" although he never officially proposed. No ring was given, I wasn't allowed to tell anyone and no date was ever set. This carried on for 4 months. We had a holiday and in hindsight it was a make or break holiday. Anyway nothing happened so a few weeks later I told him it was over. I'd wasted several years on a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. Yes it was sad but I wasn't prepared to waste more time on him. He was 12 yrs older than me so it's not like he wasn't in a position to think about marriage and kids.

Few months later I met someone else. Within the year we had our first child, within 3 years we had another and were married.

Leaving my ex was the best decision I ever made.

wotoodoo · 01/08/2016 03:08

Why on earth would you want to marry a man by trying to force him to marry you??

Surely you are going to badly miss out the fireworks moment when your knight in shining armour gets down on one knee?!

Sorry but your situation sounds tragic. Action speaks louder than words. Leave him alone. He knows what you want so stop badgering/henpecking the poor guy!

If he wanted to marry you he would have by now. He is just trying to make you happy the only way he knows how which is by saying yes dear, anything you want dear... and then inwardly saying phew, that has shut her up for now.

Tragic and humiliating for you. Why wait til the end of the summer?

And what if all your nagging works and he reluctantly takes you down the aise?

How happy do you suppose your marriage will be if/when you have forced him into it?

User8530 · 01/08/2016 03:49

Even if he proposed tomorrow, it's clearly not as important as him as it is to you, and I'd always be worried it wasn't what he really wanted. Walk away and find someone who wants the same things you do, no relationship has a hope of lasting otherwise. Flowers

Damselindestress · 01/08/2016 06:56

YANBU! What is he waiting for? After 13 years he should know whether it's right or not! If he didn't want to get married or have children then he should have told you. I really think he is being unfair to keep your hopes up about marriage and starting a family but not make a commitment. It will only lead to resentment if you miss out on your chance to have a baby by wasting time waiting for him. I would abandon the idea of a romantic proposal and have a practical conversation about how he sees the next couple of years to see if you have the same goals and make plans. If the relationship is over otherwise anyway then you have nothing to lose.

monkeymamma · 01/08/2016 06:57

He is massively bu to waste your time in this way. I imagine this kind of pissing about won't make him more desirable to you, honestly.
However I think you are slightly boxing yourself into a corner/jeopardising your own fertility with your insistence on marriage before children. In your position I'd be thinking: find a man who truly loves and respects me; have babies. In my experience couples who find each other late 30s/early 40s tend not to muck about and quite rightly!

icanteven · 01/08/2016 07:02

I would honestly leave him. He is manipulating and stalling, and when you are 48 and it's too late for children, he can just waltz off and have his "big day" with somebody 20 years younger than you and it's still his first wedding, and he has no ties left behind him whatsoever. He doesn't care what you think, and this vague "soon soon soon" is a carrot on a stick to keep you quiet.

I really hope he proposes on this trip, but you really need to put yourself first instead of him, and walk away if it doesn't happen.

LindyHemming · 01/08/2016 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carabos · 01/08/2016 07:44

My friend hung on and on and on until eventually they got married - on his schedule. By which time it was too late for children. He did it deliberately.

overwhelmed34 · 01/08/2016 08:00

Sadly I agree with wotoodoo. Marrying someone because you've forced them into it is only the beginning..what if he stalls then about children? And then you'll be married so leaving will be much harder.

There will be someone who will fall over themselves to propose and have children with you. If this was me and he proposed tomorrow I would have a good look back at the last 13 years, imagine the rest of my life in the same vein, and say no.

Hugs to you.xx

Overthinker2016 · 01/08/2016 08:02

I had this - 13 years with someone. He did eventually propose but then dumped me just before our wedding day. Was unbelievably painful. I was early 30's at that point.

A friend of mine had this too. 12/13 years with someone who wouldn't commit to marriage. She eventually just had enough of it and left him.

CoraPirbright · 01/08/2016 09:48

How are you OP? Have you come to any decision?

Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 01/08/2016 09:59

Pretty crap today to be honest.

Had a talk last night and he had no intention of proposing this holiday. We have another coming up and that was when he was planning for supposedly.

Just trying to decide if I should let him/ make him read this thread.

OP posts:
IceBeing · 01/08/2016 10:06

I think you should let him read the thread...but then I think if you do, it is really over. As others have said, if he proposed tomorrow then I don't think it would undo all the damage...and I don't see how getting a proposal is a guarantee of swift marriage let alone children.

I think he has shown you in big neon signage for THIRTEEN YEARS what he wants...and it isn't marriage and kids.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/08/2016 10:07

So sorry Tweetie

Do you really believe him about proposing on the next holiday? Because it sounds to me like he is saying enough to stop you leaving but has no intention of following through.

Do you think that you will actually be truly happy over the moon happy if he does propose on the next holiday? Or do you have more chance of happiness by leaving and seeing what else is out there?

LindyHemming · 01/08/2016 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 01/08/2016 10:20

Even if that was the plan I ha e 'spoiled the surprise' anyway so...

I don't know I'm upset and hurt and don't know what to do.
As the poster said above its humiliating and I feel humiliated.
I want to know what's wrong with me for him to not want to marry me. I have been good enough to live with for the past 13 years.
Even if he did propose will I always feel like he never really wanted me and I just had to push for it or he gave in for an easy life.
It is tragic and I'm tragic for letting it fucking happen.

OP posts: