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Original poster

Think my relationship is over

210 replies

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 20:57

Pretty sure my relationship will be over in the next couple of days!

Huge backstory but too long and complicated.

Been desperate for partner to propose been waiting 13 years! Gone away on holiday and was led to believe he may propose but absolutely no sign of it and only one day left.
I am getting older and he keeps acting like he wants to marry me when we have spoken about it but never has asked. I'm getting too old to have kids so I need to start thinking about my future.
I'm so sad that how I feel doesn't matter. He knows how desperate I am and has said he wants to marry me.

I want to be married before kids and it's really important to me and something I want for myself so am not willing to compromise on it.

I'm sure I'm being U but I just cannot see his point of view at all.

OP posts:
EllsTeeth · 31/07/2016 21:45

But less painful now when you still have some fertility left (all being well) than in a few years when you may not!

MermaidTears · 31/07/2016 21:45

Another op summed it up. Leave. Tell him exactly why. If it's a wake up call and he comes running & you get married and have children, all good. If he lets you go, then that tells you he was never going to follow through. And better you know now. Rather than suddenly be 46 or something and it is very much too late to meet someone else.

Original poster
Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 21:45

I will give him until the end of the holiday then tell him to leave.

It's pretty awful sitting here with him oblivious and happy while I just can't stop playing this all over.

OP posts:
Mummyme1987 · 31/07/2016 21:46

Ltb now. He's never going to buy the cow. Ever.

EllsTeeth · 31/07/2016 21:48

So sorry you're in such turmoil on your holiday Sad If he does propose when you tell him you're leaving don't let him drag out a long engagement or make you wait to start trying for a family.

mathanxiety · 31/07/2016 21:49

Doesn't know when but 'soon'?

Dump him.

Pack today, and see if there's an earlier flight.

MissClarke86 · 31/07/2016 21:49

Are you religious? If not, could you not just cut straight to the kids bit!?

Weddings are bloody expensive (I know kids are too, but that's different because it's not about just one day.) If you can't afford a house and still live with parents I can see why he doesn't want to propose.

Could you suggest a very quiet, cheap wedding somewhere? It seems a shame to throw your otherwise happy relationship away because of your desire for marriage, but if he didn't want children I'd see how that was a deal breaker.

Marilynsbigsister · 31/07/2016 21:49

What do you say when he goes 'yeah soon' ? Do you say 'OK' when ? ... How does the conversation go..?

Btw.... Good for you sticking to your guns. It's completely idiotic to have children without marriage unless you earn shed loads more than him with a great maternity package and intend to return to work..or are independently wealthy...non of which sounds like the situation... Absolutely guaranteed he will never marry you if you have a child first.

Your options now are quite simple. Get pregnant ASAP and be prepared to go it entirely alone. Any input will be a bonus.

Leave and maybe he will overcome his commitment phobia and propose.

Leave. - best friends ex met a lovely lady in exactly your position. She was 38 and 4 months out of a 15yr relationship with the exact same sounding individual. BF-ex had already got 2 teenagers and didn't want more, but love conquers all and she had first 9months after marriage at 40 and second at 43 (including vasectomy reversal) don't give up !!

MissClarke86 · 31/07/2016 21:53

Btw.... Good for you sticking to your guns. It's completely idiotic to have children without marriage

I've never read anything more patronising in my life. Sorry for hijacking the thread temporarily OP, but how is it idiotic? I'm pregnant, out of choice, before marriage. I'm fully committed to my partner, as he is to me, and we are engaged but would rather currently invest our finances in a child more than a wedding.

We will have the wedding one day and are in no rush. Just because I do not have a piece of paper tieing us together it does not mean he's going to flipping leave me when we have our baby. That is an awful, awful view of men to think they would leave if they weren't tied down.

Marilynsbigsister · 31/07/2016 21:54

Weddings are bloody expensive but marriages cost bugger all. Midweek registry office with 15 guests is £115 all in at our local town hall... There is no excuse for anybody not to do it. The wedding can come later when you have the money if you fancy one.

Beeziekn33ze · 31/07/2016 21:56

OP If you both are living with his mother how can you ask him to leave? Is she the elderly relative whose passing he is waiting for? Has she expressed an opinion on you marrying and having a child over the years?

AdjustableWench · 31/07/2016 21:57

I know someone in this situation - a friend of a friend; I see her a few times a year. She desperately wants to have kids, and the longer the relationship continues without his commitment, the more desperately she hopes that a proposal and children will be just around the corner (if she can only convince him) because she's running out of time (late 30s).

I don't believe for one minute that her partner will ever agree to marriage and children. He doesn't seem to want that. He enjoys his 'freedom' and is quite happy to let things continue as they are, indefinitely.

Obviously I don't know what your partner really thinks. But if I were you, I'd forget about hoping for a romantic proposal and I'd give him an ultimatum. And if he doesn't step up, leave.

Girlsthatdance · 31/07/2016 21:57

Yes I wondered how he could leave if it's his/his mother's home.

MissClarke86 · 31/07/2016 21:58

Yes you can do it cheaply, you're right. But your opinion that you must marry a man before having children because otherwise he will leave is absolute bullshit.

MammouthTask · 31/07/2016 21:58

I don't think he wants to get married and I don't think he wants children either.

As these re two things that essential for you, I think you are right to say enough is enough and to leve the relationship.
13 years is a VERY long time saying sooon, sooon, sooon....

Unicorntrainer · 31/07/2016 21:59

I am sitting here with my silver hairs counting up the years that I have wasted because of unfulfilled promises. Get him to commit to registry office date within six months or get rid of him, and one day you will have your babies with your prince. Maybe and soon count for nothing!

MammouthTask · 31/07/2016 22:01

Btw I have a friend who was living with a guy. Said guy said repeatidly 'soon' or 'later' to them having children. That went on between her early 30s to 40yo.
He had dcs from a previous marriage.

he then decided the relationhsip had run its course, and went back to his ex wife. My friend was left alone wo the things that was probably the most important for her, a child that he promised her for 10 years. She bitterly regrets to have believed him.

Flatoutnautilus · 31/07/2016 22:02

Dear Tweetie,

I can only echo what Ninja has said. I was in a similar heartbreaking situation. Just as you were I was thinking about it all the time when I had the good fortune to meet someone who told me she had once faced this dilemma. Someone was kind enough at the time to tell her with her best interests at heart "Leave him, you will look back and it will be the best decision you've ever made." She did, it was and she helped me to do the same. It was really hard but I realised nothing I could do could make him want the same things as me. I left and soon after met my partner and (although it was 'last chance saloon' !) we had a child quickly and then I was lucky enough to have another in my very late 30s/almost 40. I have never forgotten her kindness in being blunt and helping me see that another better future might be waiting. Looking back even if I hadn't been able to have children I know that I would have still been able to meet a lovely partner - something that if I had stayed with Mr Timewaster I would have had no chance of doing. The best thing you can do is be brutally honest with yourself and retreat to your family, lick your wounds and set out on a better and more hopeful and happy adventure. Let yourself find happiness on your own terms. We only have one chance at life - wasting it on someone who doesn't love giving us the things we need to make us happy (or who is simply unable to) will only lead to regret. X

X

JustMarriedBecca · 31/07/2016 22:03

We were together 11 years before he proposed. I think meeting at 18 and being together 11 years is different to being 25 and being together 11 years. I don't know which category you're in!

I think my husband felt pressured and actually it made him dig his heels in. Having had children, I can safely say that having children together is a million times more brilliant than a ring. I used to want to get married before kids too and do things in the 'right order' but now I couldn't give two hoots.

uhoh1973 · 31/07/2016 22:05

After 13 years you should just ask him out right. If he cant pull his finger out then you need to move on...

IceBeing · 31/07/2016 22:06

marriage and kids may not be all that. I think it is hard when you have an expectation all your life that you will get married and have kids, to properly analyse if that is actually what you really want to do.

Having said that, if you feel you will always resent him for not committing in those ways then you have to leave, because you won't be happy without kids in the way it certainly is possible to be happy without them if it happens on your own terms.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 31/07/2016 22:12

What the hell is he actually waiting for? Soon is just a fob off, he would have already proposed if he actually planned to marry you. Sorry you have wasted 13 years on him.

Marilynsbigsister · 31/07/2016 22:14

MissClarke86. Patronising ? Then perhaps you should read a few of the threads on here and realise that unless you have independent wealth and have absolutely no need for your DP with regard to housing , that you live in your own home with your name on the deeds and plenty of savings to see you through maternity leave until you return to a job that will cover all your living expenses plus childcare. Then you are in an extremely precarious position.

If all that is covered then you should be fine, although you are not your partners next of kin, nor is he yours. Yet for £115 you are covered on all the above. Joint house, joint savings, possible spousal income (especially whilst on maternity leave)

No doubt you have nothing to worry about, but having a child is not something I would have taken a chance on. Close friend got shafted 3 yrs ago. 4 kids, never married - j'just a piece of paper' ,sahm for 21 yrs, He is a MD of a hedge fund. He left her for mid twenties Latvian.(he's 52) they married in 12 weeks (she wanted a baby !). Close friend gets to live in their house until 16 yr old is 18 then it's his....she is 51 and gets maintenance for1 child as all others over 18. If she had married she would have had a 1.5 million pound house and sufficient spousal maintenance 'fitting with her lifestyle' until retrained for employment. 'DP' was loving partner until the day he left on business and didn't come home.

If you believe 'marriage is a piece of paper tying you together, that is not just 'idiotic' but very naive.

Fortitudine · 31/07/2016 22:15

I was in a similar position to you - been together years and couldn't get DP to commit to marriage or children. After an accidental pregnancy and miscarriage, I decided enough was enough and moved out. He was totally and utterly shocked. After about 6 months and a lot of negotiating I moved back in. I felt like I had finally got a relationship that was on equal terms. I took a risk, it could have backfired, but I was prepared for that. I was beginning to feel fobbed off and resentful, and although I loved DP, I felt like I was compromising a vital part of myself.

You can't force someone to marry you, but you can make clear what you would like. Only you can know if this is a deal breaker.

Robin2008 · 31/07/2016 22:15

Dear Tweetiepie - I feel so sorry for you. You must feel awful because for 13 years you did not get what you wanted and as a result your relationship may now be over. In my opinion, a wedding can wait but having kids can't wait. Late 30s!? I say you need to RUN, RUN away from this man, find yourself a place to stay, and find yourself another man who will want to give you babies. I'll say it again, a wedding can wait but you simply can't wait having kids. Kids are the best! (Well, not all of the time. But you get what I mean.) You have nothing to lose, you could ask him one last time and if he does not commit right here, right now, on that tropical island or wherever you are at this moment, then you run as fast as you can and you don't look back. I know you mentioned there is a huge back story but I can focus on only one thing: 'woman at end of child bearing years wants babies' - that comes first, everything else can wait. Good luck, it's not easy but tell yourself you can do this!

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