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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think my relationship is over

210 replies

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 20:57

Pretty sure my relationship will be over in the next couple of days!

Huge backstory but too long and complicated.

Been desperate for partner to propose been waiting 13 years! Gone away on holiday and was led to believe he may propose but absolutely no sign of it and only one day left.
I am getting older and he keeps acting like he wants to marry me when we have spoken about it but never has asked. I'm getting too old to have kids so I need to start thinking about my future.
I'm so sad that how I feel doesn't matter. He knows how desperate I am and has said he wants to marry me.

I want to be married before kids and it's really important to me and something I want for myself so am not willing to compromise on it.

I'm sure I'm being U but I just cannot see his point of view at all.

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 01/08/2016 12:46

He is never going to propose to you. If he wanted to get married and have kids, he would have asked by now. He keeps stringing you along because it gets him what he wants; you but with no marriage and no kids.

Sceptimum · 01/08/2016 12:48

I can only echo what most people have said; this is not what you want and he is being an arse pretending it's your fault you are not getting proposed to and having children. Walk away and find someone who wants what you do and don't let him waste any more of your time.

MatildaTheCat · 01/08/2016 12:51

So sorry you are going through this.

Walk away now. You really don't want to be married to a man who cares so little for your feelings and the hurt he has caused you. Your friends and family will celebrate that you have finally escaped. I'm willing to bet this isn't the only way in which he prioritises his needs over yours. Flowers

ohtheholidays · 01/08/2016 13:08

Oh God OP walk away now,none of your friend/relatives will be thinking badly of you they'll be bloody relieved that you've finally got away.

Have you been helping look after his poorly Mum by any chance?helping out with bills,cooking,cleaning?
He's a user OP and he always be,please gain some control over your own life,tell him it's over,pack your bags,walk away and block his number,block him on any social media you have him on and start living your life for the most important person in your life,YOU!

There is still plenty of opportunities for you to meet someone amazing who deserves you who wants to marry you and wants to have children with you.But the longer you waist and let him waist of your life the less time you'll have to start living the amazing life you've always wanted and deserved.

You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved you just need to allow yourself those things.Whilst your with him hanging on for something that is never going to happen your stopping yourself from finding your true happiness.

gamerchick · 01/08/2016 13:11

Ah op you're wasting your time. He knows it's what you really want but can't be bothered. As far as I can see you have 3 choices, force it, stay and accept your lot or move on. There are other men out there and the longer you stay what you want could pass you by. Do you really want to wait until your childbearing days have passed? That just leads to resentment.

iseenodust · 01/08/2016 13:15

Another one who wonders how much of the caring you provide for the elderly relative. Marriage and children would mean he would have to step up his share of responsibilities generally?

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/08/2016 13:29

"Oh, you have talked to him."
WTF beefthief? You rip into people and only THEN fully read the OP's posts that those people are responding to?

SantinoRice · 01/08/2016 13:29

The thing is, he knows you'd say yes. So why not ask on this holiday? What could his reason possibly be for not asking for the past 13 years? Dump him, he sounds like a cruel piece of shit.

toldmywrath · 01/08/2016 13:31

I also wondered whether he would have remained in your relationship if there was no mother on the scene. Are you helping out with the caring duties? Or does he not work & does all the care provision? I hope I don't come across as unkind, that is not my intention. Flowers

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/08/2016 13:59

"Even if he did propose will I always feel like he never really wanted me and I just had to push for it or he gave in for an easy life."
Sadly, yes; that is how you will always feel Sad.

OP, he has strung you along now for at least ten of those thirteen years. Fertility doesn't last forever ,and he knows that, it's not a secret. 'When someone tells you who they are, listen to them' Sad.

"It is tragic and I'm tragic for letting it fucking happen."
No, you are not tragic, you are a normal human being with normal behaviour and normal reactions. Google "sunk cost fallacy psychology relationships". And don't beat yourself up - your only mistake was to trust he meant what he said.
(((hugs)))

wotoodoo · 01/08/2016 13:59

He doesn't want to marry you for good reason.

It means without that piece of paper and no children you will not be entitled to a penny of his assets.

You cook, clean and care for him and his mother and you have always accepted that role without pay and without fuss. He is sweet, charming and kind enough to you so you don't question your real role which is to provide sex, meals, laundry and keep house and provide home help for his mother.

Only you are now questioning your role. The proposal is a red herring.

The fog is finally lifting and your true situation and position is only now emerging.

How you don't seethe with resentment at how you've been duped all along, I don't know.

He is not stupid, he is in fact very cunning and clever to have pulled the wool over your eyes for so long.

wotoodoo · 01/08/2016 14:10

He certainly won't want a baby while his mother is so vulnerable, you say she is frail and elderly.

He needs you to take care of her and it will be round the clock the older and more frail she gets.

A baby will be the last thing he or his mother will want because you won't be able to give your undivided time to them.

StarlingMurmuration · 01/08/2016 14:19

My best friend put up with "soon soon soon" for twelve years before she snapped, dumped him and left. She's now in a relationship with a much better man, and much more likely to have kids than she was with the first bastard. Do it. Leave him before it's too late.

DreamingOfADifferentMe · 01/08/2016 14:27

Oh Tweetie, you poor thing. Hope the last day of the holiday hasn't been too painful. You have some big decisions to make, and don't feel pressured to do it immediately, but it's quite clear that your partner just isn't interested in the same priorities as you. Yes, he says he wants the same things, but it doesn't sound like it.

The idea of a proposal always makes me laugh - surely, whether it's a discussion or a question, it's just when a couple decide that marriage is on the cards? It doesn't need to come with a ring or a flourish, just the quiet agreement that this is the next step? Why can't he commit to that now, rather than further down the line? If there's a possibility that he's saving for a beautiful ring as he wants to do it traditionally, I see the delay. If not, it's simply not going to happen.

Walk away lovely. You deserve more. And who knows, it could be that you making the decision to walk away will be the very thing that shocks him to the core and spurs him into action. The question then will be whether you still want a man who can string you along for so long...

EllsTeeth · 01/08/2016 15:06

Can I just reiterate that his reluctance to commit is not a reflection on you. You are not tragic. Many, many attractive and intelligent women find themselves in relationships with men who won't commit. I was "engaged" to an ex. He proposed before he went away for several months for work. He would not set s date for the wedding or engage at all in wedding planning, always an excuse. Eventually I realised he had no intention of marrying me (and by then I didn't want to marry him anyway!) so I ended it. I am now married with 2 children. Ex has had a string of lovely, beautiful, intelligent girlfriends and has not committed to any of them. He is 42, living the single life and loving it! He and I are now dear friends. Please believe everyone when they say it is his issue and not your fault!!

Bambamrubblesmum · 01/08/2016 15:16

Is it possible that someone has influenced his attitude? If he is due to inherit the house you are living in maybe someone is advising him not to give you rights by marrying you?

I could be completely off beam but these types of blokes tend to have a very fixed ideas in their heads, just wondering if someone has put it there.

timelytess · 01/08/2016 15:20

For heaven's sake, leave him. Salvage some dignity and go. You don't want him any more.

TheCrumpettyTree · 01/08/2016 15:30

So next holiday, how convenient. Only now you know about it so that will be the excuse as to why it won't happen. He doesn't want to marry you. What you choose to do with this information is up to you, but please don't spend the next 13 years waiting.

NervousRider · 01/08/2016 15:37

As everyone has said....he doesn't want to marry you. If he did then he would have by now.

Please muster up some self respect and stop begging and harassing him for a proposal. Do you really think even if he proposes now that it will actually mean anything to him or something that he wanted to do?

ptumbi · 01/08/2016 16:37

So he was going to propose next holiday? Why not this one? Why wait? What difference does a few months make, now?

Demand that he proposes to you this holiday, right now, today.

Hmm

Do you still want him? Having demanded and dragged it out of him?

I wouldn't, that's for sure.

mathanxiety · 01/08/2016 17:10

Just trying to decide if I should let him/ make him read this thread.

Why would you do that?

For the love of puppies - just leave him. Go back to your family. Do the Women's Aid Freedom Programme.

There is nothing wrong with you. He otoh is a messed up mammy's boy, selfish to the core. There will never be a proposal.

Salvage the last of your dignity and pack your bags tonight.

Cally70 · 01/08/2016 17:59

Even if he proposed tomorrow, can you imagine how long it'd take him to actually set a date & drag himself up the aisle?

By that time, any chance of a genetic child will have almost certainly disappeared.

At the very least, you should go & have some fertility tests. That will help focus your mind on how much time you're likely to have.

maddening · 01/08/2016 18:07

Yes I would leave - he may realise that it really is now or never.

AmayaBuzzbee · 01/08/2016 19:56

Echoing the advice above; leave him now.

If he truly wants the same things as you ( WITH you), he will come running after you as soon as reality of you leaving hits him. You can then decide if you still want him.

If he doesn't run after you, then he never wanted you for life anyway. Harsh, but at least you then know where you stand and will have a chance for happiness, marriage and kids with somebody who truly wants you for life.

EweAreHere · 01/08/2016 22:36

I hope you're packing up your belongings and moving out as soon as you get home, Tweetie. He is not worth any more of your time or attention.

Hugs.