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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Think my relationship is over

210 replies

Tweetiepie1000 · 31/07/2016 20:57

Pretty sure my relationship will be over in the next couple of days!

Huge backstory but too long and complicated.

Been desperate for partner to propose been waiting 13 years! Gone away on holiday and was led to believe he may propose but absolutely no sign of it and only one day left.
I am getting older and he keeps acting like he wants to marry me when we have spoken about it but never has asked. I'm getting too old to have kids so I need to start thinking about my future.
I'm so sad that how I feel doesn't matter. He knows how desperate I am and has said he wants to marry me.

I want to be married before kids and it's really important to me and something I want for myself so am not willing to compromise on it.

I'm sure I'm being U but I just cannot see his point of view at all.

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 01/08/2016 22:41

I've been thinking of you today, tweetie.
Hope you are ok

HarryPottersMagicWand · 01/08/2016 22:48

What a total cop out. Why does he need a holiday to propose? Why couldn't he have done it this holiday? Have you not had a holiday in the last 13 years where he could have done it?

He won't do it OP, now it will be he can't do it because you have apparently spoiled the surprise that was never going to happen. Tell him you
are not going to waste your time any more and you refuse to let the last years of your fertility go on his non existent promises of marriage.

EllsTeeth · 02/08/2016 06:41

How are you tweetie? I'm thinking about you too as I'm sure lots of us are

Moonraker37 · 02/08/2016 07:05

Thinking of you too. I was with man who dangled a proposal like a carrot whenever we had arguments. He was a cad. I left him. Now married to someone else with two children. Had my first at 36, second at 38. Please leave him. He's damaging/damaged your self worth. You sound lovely. Get out now. You'll feel more at peace as a result. I promise.

ADishBestEatenCold · 02/08/2016 11:18

"Had a talk last night and he had no intention of proposing this holiday. We have another coming up and that was when he was planning for supposedly"

Oh, Tweetie, if he wanted to marry you, he wouldn't need a holiday to propose during. Even if the holiday was a very special one ... say a re-visit to the place you first met and he wanted to propose at that very spot ... he could have arranged that at any time before now.

In fact, he really "had no intention of proposing" at all.

What you have to decide ... all you can decide ... is, would you rather be with him, so live with him forever knowing that there will be no marriage and no children, OR would you rather leave him and take your chance for happiness out there in the world. This is the only choice there is.

This is your choice, alone ... he has made his choice ... now it's up to you.

powershowerforanhour · 02/08/2016 16:48

I was in a sort of similar situation, though had been together 5 years and was mid 30s (he was older). He was going to move in with me "soon" for a couple of years before he did. Then he was going to quit his job 100 miles away "soon" for another couple of years- (he was getting up at 5am to drive there, staying there overnight a lot..it wasn't a unique or fabulously well paid job...he was just drifting along avoiding the responsibilties of being married with children getting scarily close, rather than "sometime"). I stewed and stewed and grew to hate the word "soon" with a passion.
I thought, and read some articles online- "future faking" on baggagereclaim.co.uk struck a chord and eventually forced the issue by writing him a letter explaining my feelings and fears, then cried all night when he read it (I'm not a crier usually).
He was pretty shaken and said all the right things. A few months later nothing had happened so I threatened to leave and hey presto he got a new job near me and we set a date. I explained that I wasn't going to put up with any bullshit procrastinating excuses about not being able to pick a venue/postponing cos his cousin's neighbour's dog had died /etc and the same would apply for having children- if I found myself having to kick and drag him into every life event that he had promised, I would divorce him. We got married the following year and had our first child two years later. All seems well so far. I'm happy but in hindsight wished I'd done the crying miserable confrontation about a year earlier. I had nagged a bit previously and told him repeatedly that I was unhappy with his lack of effort to move forward, but he claimed that he had no idea I was so unhappy. I think he didn't really take it in, because he would have felt bad and it would have conflicted with his self image of not being shitty. People hear what they want to hear and he was happy with the drifting status quo. He once made a comment (whem talking about a colleague of mine suffering infertility) "oh I'd say you'd have no problem getting pregnant". Based on zero knowledge, but he believed it...people believe what they want to believe. So my ultimatum had to be shoved in his face with flashing lights. I wish I had done it earlier (I was worried and progressively more miserable for ages while he was blissfully unaware) but it took me a long time to be sure that I was willing to back up the ultimatum and leave for good if necessary, and you've got to be 100% sure of that before throwing down an ultimatum.

powershowerforanhour · 02/08/2016 16:59

Oh by the way, if he carries on with the "you wrecked the surprise" don't entertain that crap for a second. He wrecked it by not doing it years ago.
It might work out either way. I have a friend who grew to dread the dashed hopes of every Christmas and birthday non proposal for years before she forced the issue - happily married to him with children now. I have another set of friends with a previous failed marriage each who met, married and had 2 children in their early 40s very quickly as both realised they couldn't hang around.
Of course there is a risk that you might not meet somebody else in time to have children. But better that than dragging a relationship on into resentment and misery. GOOD LUCK whatever happens x

justmyview · 02/08/2016 17:33

I feel sorry for you, it's a horrible position to be in, but I think you have to move forward here and take responsibility for what you want. Unanimous advice on this thread is that, based on info you have provided, your partner has no intention to proposing to you. Your choices are -

A - ignore that advice, continue the relationship in the hope he proposes
B - end the relationship, move on and take the risk that you may or may not meet someone else and may or may not have a baby

Good luck

SquinkiesRule · 02/08/2016 17:56

This relationship has run it's course Tweetie. Time to pack your bags, he's strung you along stealing all your highly fertile years and he's still not committed. It's hard to end it, as you and he are both comfortable after 13 years and change is hard.
He's got the script, now he won't propose even on the next trip as you have spoilt the surprise, there will always be something in the way/not right/to wait for. Move on and find someone who loves you and will commit to you.
Or have a baby on your own, it works for lots of women.

justmyview · 03/08/2016 15:14

How are you OP?

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