To stop talking to MIL?

[mummytofourbabys]

Right guys, brace yourselves this is going to be a big one.

Have been with DP for 4 years now, have 3 boys with my EXP and one Dd with my partner now..DP has 3 kids with his ex, so 7 altogether

My 4 children live with us, DP works 7 days then has 7 off so the 7 he has off we take his kids for 4 days.

Dps mother is a very very difficult woman, totally resents me and my children and seems to think that DPs 3 children with his ex should get treated like royalty. However I have stayed civil with her out of respect and at times kept my mouth shut when I usually wouldn't.

I know I'm rambling a bit..but I will get there.

So over the years there has been many arguments with her saying that "we don't do enough for DPs children" we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week, but that isn't enough to her.
over the course of the 4 years she has got increasingly jealous? And Bitter towards my children. But she is a fantastic grandmother to his 3 children so put it down to her just being overprotective. She regularly snipes at my boys when we are all together and takes great delight in pointing out if one of them misbehave, she very rarely pays them any attention, and most of the time will just ignore them.

During all this I have most of the time kept my mouth shut- last year we took my children on a little caravan holiday, as his 3 had already been abroad with MIL. She kicked off about this- and said we "HAD to get someone to look after my boys so we could then take his 3 children on holiday" she regularly makes snipey remarks about "the boys coming first" and that DP spends more time with my boys than his own "flesh and blood" " bearing in mind we live together in the same house this point is ridiculous.

There is a lot more to this but would be here all day if I was to explain everything.
Anyway 7months ago our DD was born, given that MIL in such a brilliant grandmother to his 3 children I assumed she would be the same with DD however she Barely pays her any attention hasn't spent longer than 1 hour at one time with her since she was born, she takes his 3 children twice a week every week without fail but has only had DD once in seven months, if we have his 3 children staying she will phone and ask how they are..no mention of DD or my boys though.

She's a very sly, calculating nasty woman and says really hurtful things but without actually directly coming out and saying them.

Anyway was a big argument last week, where she stated DP is "putting someone else's children before his own" "their his flesh and blood they should come before my kids" when his kids come to stay he should "leave the boys and DD at home and take his kids places on his own" among many other little digs directed towards my children.

I lost it and got very angry as I am sick and tired of my children being dragged into her silly petty arguments. Sick of nothing we do being good enough. She's one of them people that will always focus on what DP isn't doing instead of praising him for what he does do.

AIBU to cut her out of my life completely?
Don't need the stress of her anymore, think I have been more than patient and tried my best to remain civil but enough is enough.

Sorry for the huuuuge story

One final time - what does DP say about his mothers treatment of you/your DC?

I have already answered that question earlier..he is used to her behaviour, makes him angry obviously but she's the type of person that won't listen to reason..
He tells her when she oversteps the mark but she just doesn't listen.

OP you're getting a really hard time here. I'm going to take you at face value and say I believe everything you've written. It's difficult being a blended family and not always possible to please everyone but your MIL is a toxic cruel bitch. I'd be going NC for the sake of your DC alone, that is truly vile!

Ah it's ok I can take it.

Everything I have written is the truth I have no reason to lie about any of it.

Just genuinely wanted advice on how to deal with the MIL.

Cut her out. Don't let your children be bullied by this woman. I say this as someone who can see all sides.

Your DP's ex only has their three kids for 6 days out of 14 as they spend 4 with you and 4 with granny. I don't see any posters griping about that fact. She gets maintenance and any associated benefits that goes along with having 5 children and only has them the equivalent of one more day a week than you do!

Are none of the 'they should have special alone time with Dad' posters wondering what special alone time the dc get with Mum without her other two present? What message would this send to the others?

Should the 3dc have 1-1 with dad and then with mum and then with granny whilst the other children just have to share. What rubbish. I have 4 step-siblings on one side and 3 on the other and I was the one that got the better end of the stick if I'm honest and it SEGREGATED me from the others who, as they got older, were pissed off that I got more of everything and went more places. I hated it once I realised.

Best thing would be to arrange with their mum an even split of holidays etc. For example you could take them with you on holiday whilst she took her other two. Then when she takes her five then you could take your four? Every other year or whatever-finances allowing.
I do not think that the 3dc should be getting 2 holidays whilst the others get 1 just due to their parentage-it's very unfair.

Exactly koala. But I'm the evil stepmother so no one cares about none of that.

In all seriousness I would never want to make his children feel segregated or pushed out, and despite what everyone is saying we have made sure that this isn't the case. Yes we went on holiday for 4 days but it wasn't spoken about in front of his children at all, so it's very unlikely they even knew about it, unless their mother found out and told them. But it's not how people imagine with me-the big bad stepmother saying "no you aren't coming on holiday with us" and his kids crying and being emotionally scarred for life.

It was all done very discreetly and to avoid any upset to them.

The thing is, your expectation is that all 7 children in this scenario are treated the same. But you and your DP have set up a situation - with the holiday - where the children are clearly treated differently. So why would grandma behave any differently? I am not suggesting her behaviour is
Ok - far from it - but the message from yourselves is ambiguous.

That was one holiday one time. You can't keep bringing that up and using that against me when that is not the case in everyday life with his children.

His mother was treating us all exact same long before we went on the holiday. So what excuse did she have then??

Sorry if I missed that OP - I do think you are getting a rough ride, but I was interested in how DP was shaping up.

He has to back you if you are saying you aren't going to be in contact with MIL and that DD shouldn't be exposed to her. Do you think he will give you the old "you know what she's like" shite or will he say that's fine, I don't want to see her much myself?

I haven't broached DD not having any contact with her..not sure how I feel about that really?

I certainly want NC with her and don't want my other 3 children to be involved with her either, but she is a good grandmother to the other 3 and not sure if I should stop her seeing DD?

Maybe without me and my other children in the picture she might treat DD better? I don't know really, I always try to see he best in people, even when there isn't much good to see.

My partner is very supportive when it comes to his mother and does back me up, but there has been a couple of occasions when he hasn't backed me up when it's came to my 3 DCs. Made him aware that I wouldn't stand for this though and he's been fine since

Op,

I don't disbelieve anything you've said, I too suffered from a (differently) difficult mil.

What you need to do is protect yourself , put yourself in a bubble, just not let her get to you. I know it's easier said than done, much, but but she's won if you go NC or have rows.

Try the assertiveness technique. It's called polite assertion repeatedly. It's bloody difficult to argue without looking a complete plonker. Helpful if both of you, Dh and you, can do it.

On not eating in the drawing room,

" I can understand why you might be saying that, but from my point of view, in this house, it's no eating in the kitchen. ". Then, when the kids are in the kitchen you explain to them that with such a lovely big family, you want to keep one room tidy, and one room you care less about. They'll get it, they won't care.

You just keep repeating that, ad nauseam, with a sickly sweet grin on your face.

The formula is

I understand that's your point of view, but ours is different/ mine is different.

I repeated it again and again and again. It took time but she gave up in the end on the rows and direct conflict, though she still tried behind your back manipulation.

You have to remain outwardly calm, and let off steam elsewhere. Not at your DH if it's possible. A lot of my garden got dug. And cheerfully polite. And affectionate as ever to your brood of seven.

When they're around without the witch, can you say things casually like how magic it is to have seven children, ? It's the magic number in fairy tales, it means there's always someone to play with, dd will have evn more older siblings, isnt it fun, v rare these days, lucky you, isn't there an Enid blyton series about seven children? Then, what ever poison the witch is pouring in, there will be an antidote.

And when I used to get asked about granny's views or behaviour I used to say, "people are entitled to have their own ideas and views, but what's important is that we love each other and are kind to each other and hug each other and that means A Group Hug. " and we'd do one, with giggles if possible. If I got " well I don't think she's being nice," I'd do a variation... But again with focusing on us, not her.

Sympathy. Been there. Hth.

• no eating save in the kitchen!

Thank you Orlando that's some very sensible advice. I always make a point of not letting the kids see there's any friction between us. Just smile sweetly and carry on as normal :)

But it's not a one off.....you have already said you've gone to great lengths to hide the holiday from the children. You really think they don't know?

I totally get that your mil is out of order and I would fully support you being no contact but when you add in the holiday issue, it all feels really 'off'. And no, I don't hold it against you for wanting a holiday with your children. But I will ask what kind of father actively excludes his own children and why were you happy to go along with it? All I know is that this kills my children and it's me who has to mop up tears and say shit like 'yes, daddy does love you and yes, he will be coming back and no, he doesn't love your step brother more than you' at leadt twice a year. Oh, and my ex thinks the children don't know either.

And I'd reduce contact, but not go total, because again she' s won, she's put a wedge into your family. So limit the number of times of exposure and the amount of time. 20 mins.

I also used to think of six topics of conversation to keep her occupied for those 20 mins. You need to think of the reasons for no more, but a " we just popping in to bring you a set of drawings the children did for you/ bunch of flowers they picked/ handover the the fudge we brought back from holiday.." Means that you keep contact going, but you have the upper hand.

Vent your spleen via Mumsnet, a diary or something else.

I ought to say that whilst this sometimes doesn't work, the deep deep feeling of satisfaction gained by seeing bafflement is really worth it. Evil

What's sad is evil step nanny obv loves (her) kids but is missing out on adopting yours as well!! My sisters MIL has acceptes sisters kids without question, and adores my little boy. She's made herself a large family and is part of it now forever. You MIL is missing all the fun

I would love to know how you know it isn't a one off?

Just because that's how your situation has went doesn't mean ours is the same. So don't tar us all with the same brush.

You have no idea what our relationship is like with the SC so don't just assume. They are very open with us and will tell us instantly if anything is bothering or upsetting them. Likewise if they knew about the holiday they would ask us about it.

Tell me something does ur utter outrage at us taking my children on holiday also reach out to my ex who likewise takes his child and SC on holiday?
No I see that hasn't been mentioned though has it!

You are clearly a bitter person in your own situation so are trying to release some of that onto me.

You have your opinion but so not assume that you know what our life is like because you have no idea.
Thank you

Being nice to someone who is trying hard to rile you is really really satisfying. And no, I'm not a nice person...but I get a much better reputation! (Another evil)

And getting your DCs to produce the goods for her as they would for your DM, as well as for your ex's if you are in contact , will really wrong foot her..

third evil

PM if you need more spells against witches..

Haha thanks Orlando, I might just do that. I like to call her the dragon though

We have 6 children between us. 3 of my dh, 1 of mine and 2 together. My dh ex wife has married a very wealthy man and they go skiing once a year, a beach holiday and sometimes a uk break too.
At present all we can afford to do is go for a week away in Cornwall, staying at my mums (which we love!) a couple of times a year.
Dh ex is quite difficult and doesn't want us to take their 3 away as it interferes with her plans (every. Single. Time), but the children have regularly told us that they would love to come away with us.
So by MN logic, I shouldn't take my children away without my husbands because it's not fair? Good stuff...

Don'tpokethebear

So it seems..strange logic that.

to be fair DH ex is also very difficult at times so wouldn't put it past her stopping us taking SC on holiday too anyway which makes every one of these posters point irrelevant.

But hey ho

Outvof interest what do your kids call her to her face?

My youngest calls her grandma. As he was just tiny went we got together so he genuinely thinks it's his grandma.
My older two call her by her name.

Oh lord op, having read your examples of your mil behaviour, it's ibvious nothing you ever do will be good enough and she's spouting for a fight all the time. The favouritism is cruel. Telling your 4yonnig to come over to her because she's not his grandma makes her an evil bitch in my eyes. I wouldn't trust her or forgive her for that. She's cruel. And seems to d light in it.
No wonder you can't stand her.

I wonder how your dps ex got on with her? Is she grateful she doesn't have to deal with her anymore?

You have my sympathy. What a nasty cow.