To stop talking to MIL?

[mummytofourbabys]

Right guys, brace yourselves this is going to be a big one.

Have been with DP for 4 years now, have 3 boys with my EXP and one Dd with my partner now..DP has 3 kids with his ex, so 7 altogether

My 4 children live with us, DP works 7 days then has 7 off so the 7 he has off we take his kids for 4 days.

Dps mother is a very very difficult woman, totally resents me and my children and seems to think that DPs 3 children with his ex should get treated like royalty. However I have stayed civil with her out of respect and at times kept my mouth shut when I usually wouldn't.

I know I'm rambling a bit..but I will get there.

So over the years there has been many arguments with her saying that "we don't do enough for DPs children" we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week, but that isn't enough to her.
over the course of the 4 years she has got increasingly jealous? And Bitter towards my children. But she is a fantastic grandmother to his 3 children so put it down to her just being overprotective. She regularly snipes at my boys when we are all together and takes great delight in pointing out if one of them misbehave, she very rarely pays them any attention, and most of the time will just ignore them.

During all this I have most of the time kept my mouth shut- last year we took my children on a little caravan holiday, as his 3 had already been abroad with MIL. She kicked off about this- and said we "HAD to get someone to look after my boys so we could then take his 3 children on holiday" she regularly makes snipey remarks about "the boys coming first" and that DP spends more time with my boys than his own "flesh and blood" " bearing in mind we live together in the same house this point is ridiculous.

There is a lot more to this but would be here all day if I was to explain everything.
Anyway 7months ago our DD was born, given that MIL in such a brilliant grandmother to his 3 children I assumed she would be the same with DD however she Barely pays her any attention hasn't spent longer than 1 hour at one time with her since she was born, she takes his 3 children twice a week every week without fail but has only had DD once in seven months, if we have his 3 children staying she will phone and ask how they are..no mention of DD or my boys though.

She's a very sly, calculating nasty woman and says really hurtful things but without actually directly coming out and saying them.

Anyway was a big argument last week, where she stated DP is "putting someone else's children before his own" "their his flesh and blood they should come before my kids" when his kids come to stay he should "leave the boys and DD at home and take his kids places on his own" among many other little digs directed towards my children.

I lost it and got very angry as I am sick and tired of my children being dragged into her silly petty arguments. Sick of nothing we do being good enough. She's one of them people that will always focus on what DP isn't doing instead of praising him for what he does do.

AIBU to cut her out of my life completely?
Don't need the stress of her anymore, think I have been more than patient and tried my best to remain civil but enough is enough.

Sorry for the huuuuge story

I think your DH should spend time with just his children too, that is OK.

The holiday is a difficult one, I would feel guilty leaving his out but would feel guilty mine not having any holiday, can't offer any advice on that one.

BUT the blatant exclusion of your joint DD is out of order. If I was your DH I would be reminding her she has FOUR grandchildren.

As for your relationship with her, low contact from now on she sounds a real PIA.

Would you ever go on holiday without your dc? You see, I just can't imagine doing that - it clearly creates a them and us type relationship. Blended families are complicated but judging by today's mn threads it seems that the only ones sticking up for the non resident kids are the mils who then get told to F off by the new wife. Mil may well be vile but as you've stated ex doesn't think dh does enough you seem unable to consider from another point of view. Ex w and mil are the ones seeing these dc getting hurt and having to share their dad all the time. Not saying she's totally right but I think there needs to be understanding in both sides.

There is some stuff here I don't understand. My DP has 2 kids who live with us every other week. They do stuff with their Mum too.

My 2 live with us 100% except for times when they go to their grandmothers.

So following the logic here my kids should be left elsewhere while DP does stuff with his kids. Why? They get to do stuff with their Mum that my kids don't do.

Really I despair.

OP I must agree that his kids should be having time alone with their father. Why should they always share him...every single time? They didn't make the decision to split or remarry but yet they have now been dealt a far smaller slice of dad pie and they must always share it with someone else's kids!

Everything else asides, does that seem reasonable to you?

I agree with the poster that says you and your MIL are both being reasonable and unreasonable in places.

Are you in a position to go and have a coffee with her and just chat it out? It seems to me that there is a lot bubbling under the surface and if she got the opportunity to just tell you what she thinks and allows you to try and explain why certain things have happened then you could both find a way forward. She is trying to protect her grandsons and that's quite admirable. Is she close to their Mother?

I will take all these points on board. Have tried to look at things as objectively as possible, but a lot of the time I just can't see her point at all. You all obviously can though so maybe I am the wrong one here.

Maybe it was wrong of me to take my children away. But I try my best to give them the best childhood I can and don't want them to miss out on things like holidays.

And it's great that they all get on brilliantly...certainly makes things easier for all of you. They should still be seeing dad on their own though.

Wally that is my point too, just can't see how that's fair.
Maybe I'm alone in this but in my eyes the mother should be the one providing things like holidays etc.

My ex partner has 3 children with someone else and they've been on holiday without my children and that isn't a issue to me, neither is it an issue to my children, as I'm their mother and the main carer and they only see their dad part time.

Wally posters are suggesting that DPs children should be allowed to have some time with their father alone sometimes. That might be to just go and kick a ball, or watch a football match or even eat a McDonalds. Doesn't have to be a holiday but just one afternoon a week would make them feel pretty good I'm sure. It gives the opportunity to have conversations they might not feel comfortable having in front of lots of other people and strengthens the parental bond generally.

And yes I agree he should spend time alone with his children, which he does might I add. A couple afternoons a week my children are at groups etc so he is at home alone with his 3 children.

Just isn't enough time in the eyes of his mother

She sounds a horrendous bitch! I'd cut her out totally she is behaving totally unreasonably and frankly nastily.

It wasn't wrong of you to take your kids on holiday fgs. And it isn't wrong for you to all spend time together instead of your DH either going out with just his kids in chucking you out some can spend time with them.

I have 2 stepchildren and we've gone on holiday with them and without them, and when they've visited we've always spent time all together as a family, because we are a family together. We're not going to split into "them and us"

And yes, it works fine. They are adults now, and have no problems with any of the things we did. And they even had to share a room with their younger half siblings

You are a blended family and it sounds like you're all, except your MIL, handling it well. She is the one being a pain, and excluding your DD is just plain nasty.

Also, if your DH does take only his children out is he supposed to include your DD in that, or is the bonding time only for his children from his ex, are they not allowed to form a relationship with their sibling?

Op that's wrong your DP should take them away do you know how hurtful it must be for the DC that their father rather holiday with three other children than his own sons it sends a message that it's perfectly acceptable to exclude them, IT IS NOT DOWN TO THEIR MOTHER. My ex always takes DS away he doesn't have other DC but if he did he would include DS. Just as much as we would include him with his siblings.

Well that's where she drifts into being unreasonable. There will be lots of little things she won't be party to as she doesn't live in the home with you both, instead she is focusing on the larger things she can see, such as the holiday. Kill 'em with kindness is always so much better than falling out and not speaking. Somehow you've got to almost do the opposite of what you feel like doing and keep doing your best for all the children and hope one day the kids are old enough to tell her to keep her job shut as they love you and they love their dad and she is being a negative cow.

*gob

She really is a very nasty person

An example is-I had a traumatic birth with DD was in hospital for a few days and needed an emergency ceasarean.
Was really missing my children so asked my mother to take them to see me in the afternoon. And because we were only allowed a certain amount of visitors at one time DP arranged with his mother to take his children through in the evening to see us and DD. She knew how upset I was about being away from my children and she turned up in the afternoon just before my children which meant my kids had to wait outside in the cafe before they got to see me.

She said to my partner "it's only fair your kids get to see DD first at my boys will be living in the same house as her so will see her every day"

*Anotherusernamebitesthedust
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She said he shouldn't take our DD out as he sees her every day.

Just his 3 children

Could you get into camping? Once you've got the kit the cost of camping varies very little whether you take one child or seven?

Also, next time you want to treat your children because they are having a tough time with their father, what about doing it during the four days your stepchildren are with their father, so everyone gets some special time with one parent. It can be easy to feel lost in a tribe of seven sometimes! Or maybe plan to split the children differently for holidays, eg youngest four stay home and go on a few cheap day trips with you, oldest four go away for the weekend with your DP (only works if the children on both sides are a mix of ages!).

Huffle

Camping is a good idea- might look into that. Thank you :)

So he should take his kids out and they never actually get to see and bond with their sister?

Yeah, she's batshit crazy.

I do think op is getting a rough ride here by other posters.

Her DD is being rejected. It sounds like other issues with mil taking two grandchildren not 3 on holiday.

7 kids is one hell of a blended family. Yes in an ideal world to some of these suggestions but actually ideal can't always happen due to time and costs constraints. It doesn't mean the kind DS are less lived and wanted. It doesn't mean the kids feel less lived and wanted.

The older kids of the DP perhaps have other holidays or opportunities with their mum or other family that help to even it out.

It's not an easy path to walk.

Why should it only have been my DM's responsibility to take me on holiday?
Why should I have missed out on the experience of going on holiday with my dad?
They're both my parents therefore why shouldn't my dad provide a holiday?

*kids not kind ds

It didn't matter to me that I got other holidays or experiences with my mum. I also wanted to do the same with my dad because he was my dad not because I was greedy and wanted as many holidays as I could get.

Thanks candycane

As I've said I do try and see things from all angles, and some of the time I can slightly see her point. But most of the time she is crazy!

Thunder that's just my opinion- I have no issue with my ex holidaying without my children-and after talking in length with my children about it, it doesn't bother them either.

We obviously just have very different opinions on the matter.