To stop talking to MIL?

[mummytofourbabys]

Right guys, brace yourselves this is going to be a big one.

Have been with DP for 4 years now, have 3 boys with my EXP and one Dd with my partner now..DP has 3 kids with his ex, so 7 altogether

My 4 children live with us, DP works 7 days then has 7 off so the 7 he has off we take his kids for 4 days.

Dps mother is a very very difficult woman, totally resents me and my children and seems to think that DPs 3 children with his ex should get treated like royalty. However I have stayed civil with her out of respect and at times kept my mouth shut when I usually wouldn't.

I know I'm rambling a bit..but I will get there.

So over the years there has been many arguments with her saying that "we don't do enough for DPs children" we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week, but that isn't enough to her.
over the course of the 4 years she has got increasingly jealous? And Bitter towards my children. But she is a fantastic grandmother to his 3 children so put it down to her just being overprotective. She regularly snipes at my boys when we are all together and takes great delight in pointing out if one of them misbehave, she very rarely pays them any attention, and most of the time will just ignore them.

During all this I have most of the time kept my mouth shut- last year we took my children on a little caravan holiday, as his 3 had already been abroad with MIL. She kicked off about this- and said we "HAD to get someone to look after my boys so we could then take his 3 children on holiday" she regularly makes snipey remarks about "the boys coming first" and that DP spends more time with my boys than his own "flesh and blood" " bearing in mind we live together in the same house this point is ridiculous.

There is a lot more to this but would be here all day if I was to explain everything.
Anyway 7months ago our DD was born, given that MIL in such a brilliant grandmother to his 3 children I assumed she would be the same with DD however she Barely pays her any attention hasn't spent longer than 1 hour at one time with her since she was born, she takes his 3 children twice a week every week without fail but has only had DD once in seven months, if we have his 3 children staying she will phone and ask how they are..no mention of DD or my boys though.

She's a very sly, calculating nasty woman and says really hurtful things but without actually directly coming out and saying them.

Anyway was a big argument last week, where she stated DP is "putting someone else's children before his own" "their his flesh and blood they should come before my kids" when his kids come to stay he should "leave the boys and DD at home and take his kids places on his own" among many other little digs directed towards my children.

I lost it and got very angry as I am sick and tired of my children being dragged into her silly petty arguments. Sick of nothing we do being good enough. She's one of them people that will always focus on what DP isn't doing instead of praising him for what he does do.

AIBU to cut her out of my life completely?
Don't need the stress of her anymore, think I have been more than patient and tried my best to remain civil but enough is enough.

Sorry for the huuuuge story

I've read the first oage only and have to say OP i think posters are being pretty unreasonable.

Your kids have a bad relationship with their Dad so you have no option but to take them on holiday wity you. If logistically you can't afford both sets of kids, this either neefs explaining (have they mentioned feeling left out?( or THEIR DAD had the option of having them at home. Would theor mom have even let you have them extra forva holiday? Should you never be allowed to do anything with your own kids if the other mom doesn't agree to let hers go to?

As for alone time, do his kids want it or do they enjoy hanging with yours? It mighy be nice to spend some 1onOWNkids time but you are also raising a cohesive family. And if you-re both doing own kids time, who gets the baby?? As much as possible i think you should be doing family time unless the kids behaviour or words ask for somethibg differenr

Then take your own children away yourself. Or wait till you can afford to take them all. The alternative was shite so stop trying to pretend otherwise.

Candycane thank you

The focus has being taken off my DD being ignored and my children being treated badly and instead put onto a 4 day caravan holiday that really isn't the end of the world.

But it's also important that my children get to have a happy childhood and don't miss out just because we can't afford to take all 7 away at once.

Well OP, you brought another child into this already fractious setup. I would hazerd a guess that most people with seven children don't go on holiday a lot.

Haze thank you for try

You're welcome mummy, I know how hard it is. You need to look after yourself and your children and whilst that doesn't mean negatively impacting your SC, they are your priority just as your SC are their mums.
I hope things get easier for you too
The older I get, the more I realise it's best to remove as much stress as you can from your life. And I would never ever put myself in this situation again!

Curly it was one bloody 4 day caravan holiday!! Which was before our DD was born. I wouldn't take just my kids on holiday now without his being there, it was a one off so lay off please
This is getting ridiculous!! Just seems like one person makes a point and everyone jumps on it and goes well over the score.

I accept everyone has their opinion but why go on and on and on. After already voicing your opinion?

All these suggestions as though there is unlimited resources and money and time. Back in the real world it's not always possible.

Maybe to balance it out and save costs your DP could take his kids on a trip just him and them so that it doesn't get too expensive? Not right now but when you've saved up. An overnight camping trip or something. If that's what they want to do.

1. I don't think you can tell whether your DD is being ignored yet as it may just be that your MIL isn't that interested in babies - IMO its not usual for grandparents to spend time with baby GC- they generally spend time with the parents plus the GC
2. Holiday -i think the thing is that your DP should have put some time aside to go on holiday/staycation with his children as well - that if he has 25 days holiday he needs to spend time with them equally with yours
3. it may be that your MIL doesn't like you but it just sounds to me that she has the best interests of the children at heart (her older GC) - your DP doesn't have much time to spend with them (because of his shifts) and it obviously concerns her - he sees the rest for 14 days out of 14 - I know he works 14 hr shifts but can't he spare a couple of hours during the 7 day period just to go for a meal/film spend some 1-1 time?

People are being ridiculous - you have done nothing wrong!

MIL is being unreasonable and I wouldn't bother with her anymore.

Geez why does bo one see she didn't leave thevstep kids locked in a cupboard whilst they went partying to ibiza!! They were with their primary caregiver and it was up to DH whether to join OP on her holiday or not if he felt his kids should have been included.

As for MIL ignoring lo, think OH needs to speak to her. How are my precious boys? They're good thanks and so is your grandaughter! Can i have the boys Thursday? Of course, were you wanting grandaughter too??

It's going to be hard to cut her out whilst step kids visit but i think it'screasonable to minimise your contact with her and let DH deal with her.

OP wasn't the OW. It's not her fault his marriage broke down but is clearly being pumished along with "your" children including youngest

I think you have to report it and ask for it to be moved. Regardless of what anyone says, they don't live with you and don't know your family, so try not to take some of the comments to heart. I can see that it's not a holiday issue (god forbid you do anything as a family where your DD is involved ) but rather the disparity that MIL is creating between her son's children. Personally, I would let him deal with her and continue to treat all of the children as siblings while they are all under your roof, because even if they all lived with you, someone would always be missing out on something.

Eeny he works from 7am till 9pm 7 days a week so where in that time is there any time to spare to see his children? He doesn't even see my children the week he works and he lives here!

It isn't just a holiday for her children though. Surely everyone realises that the relationship between her and her DP is the most important for the family to work. How would excluding him from a holiday help that? And do you seriously think a father should miss out on a holiday with his DD because of a previous failed relationship?

Don't you dare ever do anything with your children when your stepchildren aren't there OP. No days out for you during the holidays when they're at their mums.

Even though they'll probably be having fun with their mum you are not allowed to enjoy yourself unless they are there with you.

Doesn't that sound ridiculous? You could put it to everything in your life when you have stepchildren. It's a fact of life that they'll miss out on some things as they live somewhere else! It's not being mean not taking them away.

As long as they understand, and know that there are some things you can all do together then it's fine to have separate holidays.

The contact agreement is really the business of DH, EXW and the kids, not Grandmother. The mature approach if she's wprried for their welfare is to take her son aside and say listen, i don't think you see the kids enough - they seem to really miss you when they don't see you etc. Howabout the two nights a week i cook their tea you come round to me?
Tbf you guys have them 4 days, mil has them 4 nights so mother only has them 6. She might not even be willing to give anything else up!

Haze MIL doesn't have them overnight just for tea the 2 nights a week.

I don't Mumoftwo i just meant its his responsibility not hers but she's being flayed alive for it

Well said AnotherUsername. We've struggled with this. My OH had to work away for most of our relationship. We had his children one wknd, ours the other (same as before me). We only ever 'did' anything with his and all of our spare money went on them. Weekends with our DCs were food shops, housework etc. I think he actually felt that we weren't allowed to exclude them from anything. Completely ridiculous.

It wasn't at your comment haze

I know but yours 4 nights and over at mil's 4 nights means with their mom all evening for 6. So even if DP could magic up hrs that don't exsist to see them, no one has considered that their mom moght not approve so actually your arrangement seems reasonable

OK, I think you are getting a bit of a rough ride here OP, but you aren't explaining yourself fully. YOu say repeatedly that there is much more to it, you could have filled that space with telling us what that stuff is.

Anyway, I agree with PP that DP should spend time actually doing stuff with the children that are just his, and sometimes that should include your DD. The way you have written it sounds like they are just hanging around the house waiting for you and your DC to return. They could go to cinema, park, whatever.

Re MIL, which was the main focus of your OP, the general consensus is usually that if someone is too toxic for you, then they are too toxic for your DC to be around. Therefore, I really do not understand why you are so keen for DD to have a relationship with this woman who sounds awful.

Stay away from her, and keep DD away from her.

Several posters have asked what DP has to say about it all, but unless I missed it, this hasn't been covered properly.

As I said I'd be here all day, to be honest though don't see me telling anyone any of it is going to change posters opinions but here we go:

She comes into my house when SC r here and blatantly ignores my children. She will say things like "come and see what grandma has" if my youngest son- goes over she says "not you I'm not your grandma" he's only 4!

Kids aren't allowed to eat and drink in the living room-but when she's here she gives the SC sweets and tells them to sit next to her and eat them. "If I say, no they have to go to the kitchen" she will turn it into a argument/drama and tell us "we r too hard on them"

With 7 kids there has to be rules. So the rule is they eat all their supper then they will get pudding- if they don't eat they don't get. She stands around spurring my kids on if they pause from eating for a second, and tell them "no pudding if u don't finish" then when one of my SC say they've had enough she scrapes it in the bin and hands over sweets. When called on it she just says "yeah but grandma is here so I decide"

Was at her house with all the kids-my son wanted a drink she said no- SS asked she said yes.

Was at a birthday party..I blatantly saw SS hit his cousin, my son was nearby she started shouting and screaming at him "for being violent" when I told her it wasn't my son she said "oh but u would say that" when asked cousins who hit her-she said it was Ss and she still ignored it..

She came round after a holiday with presents for all the kids- my children got nothing compared to SC- which in itself I don't have a issue with was grateful for any present. But don't come round to my house and give SC more in front of my children. That's unfair!

Does that help paint the kind of person she is?

I think a lot of the stick you have been given on here Mummytofourbabys is not about your treatment of the kids - or your dh's it because a lot of people simply have a different attitude to holidays than you do.
You saw taking you kids away as a bit of respite care for them having a bad time with their dad
lots of people see holidays as some kind of gift / prize ..something ??? I'm not sure - holidays have quite a low priority in out house so I didnt see the problem that a lot of people seem quite het up about - and I saw your attitude as being "We are a big family and sometimes we are a bigger family" - which seems really welcoming and nice and really very important to me -
the MIL seems to want to draw big hard boundary lines over your seemingly generous welcoming nature. She wants clear definitions of what parts of which families are entitled to what - and she like to be able to dictate where those lines go. She clearly sees them and tries to enforce them - inspite of nobody else knowing where or what they are exactly...and they are clearly not generously drawn when it comes to your children.

Perhaps you (and your DH particularly) need to be much, much clearer about what treatment you find acceptable so that your reactions are more acceptable and predictable when these are overstepped. Also so that you and you partner are always on the same page about how she needs to treat the kids? - all of them - not just those she singles out.