To stop talking to MIL?

[mummytofourbabys]

Right guys, brace yourselves this is going to be a big one.

Have been with DP for 4 years now, have 3 boys with my EXP and one Dd with my partner now..DP has 3 kids with his ex, so 7 altogether

My 4 children live with us, DP works 7 days then has 7 off so the 7 he has off we take his kids for 4 days.

Dps mother is a very very difficult woman, totally resents me and my children and seems to think that DPs 3 children with his ex should get treated like royalty. However I have stayed civil with her out of respect and at times kept my mouth shut when I usually wouldn't.

I know I'm rambling a bit..but I will get there.

So over the years there has been many arguments with her saying that "we don't do enough for DPs children" we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week, but that isn't enough to her.
over the course of the 4 years she has got increasingly jealous? And Bitter towards my children. But she is a fantastic grandmother to his 3 children so put it down to her just being overprotective. She regularly snipes at my boys when we are all together and takes great delight in pointing out if one of them misbehave, she very rarely pays them any attention, and most of the time will just ignore them.

During all this I have most of the time kept my mouth shut- last year we took my children on a little caravan holiday, as his 3 had already been abroad with MIL. She kicked off about this- and said we "HAD to get someone to look after my boys so we could then take his 3 children on holiday" she regularly makes snipey remarks about "the boys coming first" and that DP spends more time with my boys than his own "flesh and blood" " bearing in mind we live together in the same house this point is ridiculous.

There is a lot more to this but would be here all day if I was to explain everything.
Anyway 7months ago our DD was born, given that MIL in such a brilliant grandmother to his 3 children I assumed she would be the same with DD however she Barely pays her any attention hasn't spent longer than 1 hour at one time with her since she was born, she takes his 3 children twice a week every week without fail but has only had DD once in seven months, if we have his 3 children staying she will phone and ask how they are..no mention of DD or my boys though.

She's a very sly, calculating nasty woman and says really hurtful things but without actually directly coming out and saying them.

Anyway was a big argument last week, where she stated DP is "putting someone else's children before his own" "their his flesh and blood they should come before my kids" when his kids come to stay he should "leave the boys and DD at home and take his kids places on his own" among many other little digs directed towards my children.

I lost it and got very angry as I am sick and tired of my children being dragged into her silly petty arguments. Sick of nothing we do being good enough. She's one of them people that will always focus on what DP isn't doing instead of praising him for what he does do.

AIBU to cut her out of my life completely?
Don't need the stress of her anymore, think I have been more than patient and tried my best to remain civil but enough is enough.

Sorry for the huuuuge story

mumoftwo....I struggle to understand why there is a need to even up the score between half siblings and step siblings. As I said up thread, they are children who have different sets of parents with different circumstances. That is something that just is....trying to even up the score is as ridiculous as saying I must live in a 5 bed house and have 4 Disney trips a year because that's what X has that. We are all able to accept that we need to live within our means and some of us have more, some less. The idea that somehow it is truly wonderful to get two sets of presents ignores the very real difficulties of being children pushed between two households, neither of which you would necessarily have chosen to live in, where all the adults concerned have things they want to hear so you just say it. Pretending this doesn't happen is about as disingenuous as it gets.

As for my children, they have lived with their father and his exotic holidays for nearly 10 years now. Their step brother goes on everyone - and goes away with his dad. Why shouldn't my children go too? Can you not understand how much that hurts? They get holidays with me - but it is no consolation. It is not the fact of the holiday, it is being treated differently and seemingly not wanted/being too much trouble for their father to bother with them. A night in a Travellodge would be more than enough....

I think it's really important for your DH to spent quality alone time with all of his children (even yours from your first marriage if you all live together) and that alone time should be really alone no interruptions.
MIL (who sounds very difficult) sees it from her point of view and your not going to change that all you can do is make it clear what you will and won't allow and when she ignores your wishes tell her to leave.
I think the holiday was a mistake tbh if you couldn't afford for his kids to go then you probably should have gone just you and the kids (I understand what your saying about their mother and holidays but I think she is wrong as well) but what's done is done and as long as you are aware of making everything fair for all concerned then that's the best you can do. I think it's important to remember you and DH have willingly entered into this extended family his children didn't ask for it and may feel left out just with him living with another set of children before you even start with holidays/days out/overnights etc.

Guys I have already said many times my partner spends time alone with his children can't say that enough, so don't know why that point keeps getting brought up again.

As for the bloody holiday can we please stop going on and on about it! I will not apologise for taking my children on a 4 day break that his kids knew nothing about. I work hard and my children deserve that at least. I will not be made to feel guilty for that!!!

Thanks liara
stepchildren are 12,8 and 7.. :)

Everytime

I refuse to judge anyone based on a holiday..
Although I have been judged solely on a 4 day bloody caravan break the whole of today. It's actually frying my poor brain now!

In the grand scheme of things a holiday is nothing compared to loving and spending time with your children.
As long as children know they r loved and cared for, I refuse to agree that a holiday is emotionally damaging.

So don't worry about it, it happens and children will go through a lot worse things in life than one missed holiday.

Fascinating when I look back to when my own father took his new wife and three stepchildren abroad twice a year for over 12 years, and took me and my brother - his own children - away to Yorkshire once. Having left us when my brother was 2 and I was newborn.

But we didn't know any differenf at the time and we feel fairly ambivalent about it now. FWIW I don't think the 4 day holiday is an issue at all, sounds like you're all doing the best you can.

My MIL is pure evil, incidentally. My DH has three grownup children, but thank goodness I didn't want any...nightmare.

Billy
I am in no doubt that yes it can be damaging to SC if they are constantly being left out but in our case my SC are never left out, apart from that one and only 4 day bloody holiday.

It's not like we are going on 3 holidays a year and dumping SC with some Tom,dick or Harry. Think some of these posters need to gather some perspective.

And what everyone needs to remember is we actually paid for SS flights so that he could go abroad with his siblings and GPs, as MIL wasn't going to be taking him, just the other two. But no one keeps bringing up them good points, their only focusing on the bad.

Yes of course it isn't easy, but I was using the presents as an example of where the children whose parents are together, in their eyes, miss out. Because if you think that's something that wouldn't bother a child, you're wrong. In fact, my SS threw (literally) his present back off his grandma because it was a smaller (but much more expensive) gift. He refused to say thank you and said he didn't want it. He had been truly spoilt with presents by us, his mum, two sets of grandparents and my parents and sister (who went ridiculously ott).

If a child is being consistently excluded then I can understand how that is difficult, but I don't know the full circumstances of your situation. Like you say though, your child gets holidays with you, where I assume, they live the majority of the time? Is the step brother getting other holidays elsewhere? All children are being treated to holidays by one parent or another and are therefore very fortunate. An exotic holiday sounds more like one for the parents anyway, I enjoyed a week in a caravan in Cornwall more than all of our foreign holidays as a child!

If we were to go all go on holiday (which we can't at the minute due to other priorities) it would be a nightmare. The children's mother sends them with dirty clothes that are too small, so not only do we pay maintenance, but every time we have them, we have to buy new clothes, as that's what they're sent home in and they never EVER come back. My OH had to start asking for them back during changeover and she refused saying it was degrading. I don't disagree, but it was getting beyond a joke. OH didn't do anything for ages, but for example, I had bought a really nice pair of shoes for SD and was told by ex that she'd never seen them when we asked for them back. SD had actually been wearing them for months, but on visits came in fake second hand uggs she could barely walk in! WTF?! Things like this would just make it so difficult.

What I'm trying to say is there is a lot of dynamics and things to consider. I don't think someone can truly judge without knowing every detail, but it is difficult for all parties. The SC aren't the only victims. It's not a situation any of the parties would probably choose.

Do what you need to do OP.
Only you know what's best.

I'm now NC with MIL and it's fantastic. No more upset n stress.

If you really want to non plus the dragon, next time " granny " says " you're not really my grandson", turn the adoption theme onto her. " mummy and Daddy say you're my granny by choice. So you're really special. "

Evil grin, but it might just help to melt her heart? Have it up your sleeve anyway.

I used yo send DH over for longer, mind you, his DM, he could put up with it and she wanted to see him more. And honestly was too old to have a relationship with DS ( bring charitable). And DS and I'd arrive for the quick VIP visit...

That sounds tempting Jodie

And Orlando..the dragon, Hahahah

I thought no the issue is the MIL who pokes her nose in where it's not wanted - she's second guessing your motives and coming up with hers - eg you wanted to see your kids but she pushes the SC in f don't just incase they've been forgotten - the holiday again forgetting she took them abroad so is now pushing them on to your 4 day break - she's fighting a battle that doesn't by the sound of it need to be fought!

I am seeing her by your description as a second mother to these kids and you're the third wheel making it difficult.

My MIL was second mom to SIL kids and I have to say it's very odd and annoying behaviour - it pushes you in the wrong direction

Ignore and let DH deal with her and he may step up tomatoey it out

Cody she's a very controlling person and I think DPs ex has allowed her to take control of their children. So may well have taken on the role as second mother.

She can't do that with me or with my children so think this may be her way of trying to "get at me" for not allowing her to control my life

Mummy. I havent lost a moments sleep over taking my daughter on holiday and leaving the rest behind!
The exw occasionally plays the emotional blackmail card, but as it was her decision to split up her family by having an affair, morally dont think she can say much.
Not sure why MIL doesnt like me (she didnt appear to like ex either!) but as I only have to see her once a year I can cope with her.
We are of to France this weekend with my daughter and the two step children, so no one can complain about using being "unfair" this year.

And neither you should that's your daughter and you are more than entitled to take her on holiday :)

Ooh France..how lovely, hope you have a brilliant time!
I'm jealous. :)