To stop talking to MIL?

[mummytofourbabys]

Right guys, brace yourselves this is going to be a big one.

Have been with DP for 4 years now, have 3 boys with my EXP and one Dd with my partner now..DP has 3 kids with his ex, so 7 altogether

My 4 children live with us, DP works 7 days then has 7 off so the 7 he has off we take his kids for 4 days.

Dps mother is a very very difficult woman, totally resents me and my children and seems to think that DPs 3 children with his ex should get treated like royalty. However I have stayed civil with her out of respect and at times kept my mouth shut when I usually wouldn't.

I know I'm rambling a bit..but I will get there.

So over the years there has been many arguments with her saying that "we don't do enough for DPs children" we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week, but that isn't enough to her.
over the course of the 4 years she has got increasingly jealous? And Bitter towards my children. But she is a fantastic grandmother to his 3 children so put it down to her just being overprotective. She regularly snipes at my boys when we are all together and takes great delight in pointing out if one of them misbehave, she very rarely pays them any attention, and most of the time will just ignore them.

During all this I have most of the time kept my mouth shut- last year we took my children on a little caravan holiday, as his 3 had already been abroad with MIL. She kicked off about this- and said we "HAD to get someone to look after my boys so we could then take his 3 children on holiday" she regularly makes snipey remarks about "the boys coming first" and that DP spends more time with my boys than his own "flesh and blood" " bearing in mind we live together in the same house this point is ridiculous.

There is a lot more to this but would be here all day if I was to explain everything.
Anyway 7months ago our DD was born, given that MIL in such a brilliant grandmother to his 3 children I assumed she would be the same with DD however she Barely pays her any attention hasn't spent longer than 1 hour at one time with her since she was born, she takes his 3 children twice a week every week without fail but has only had DD once in seven months, if we have his 3 children staying she will phone and ask how they are..no mention of DD or my boys though.

She's a very sly, calculating nasty woman and says really hurtful things but without actually directly coming out and saying them.

Anyway was a big argument last week, where she stated DP is "putting someone else's children before his own" "their his flesh and blood they should come before my kids" when his kids come to stay he should "leave the boys and DD at home and take his kids places on his own" among many other little digs directed towards my children.

I lost it and got very angry as I am sick and tired of my children being dragged into her silly petty arguments. Sick of nothing we do being good enough. She's one of them people that will always focus on what DP isn't doing instead of praising him for what he does do.

AIBU to cut her out of my life completely?
Don't need the stress of her anymore, think I have been more than patient and tried my best to remain civil but enough is enough.

Sorry for the huuuuge story

Apologies for typos

It is cruel, he's so innocent there's no need for her to say that to him.

DPs ex has mutual friends with me and have heard that she treats her worse, his ex seems to be a very quiet person , won't get into confrontation with someone so she seems to just let her say what she likes.

I am however the opposite, so could possible be why she doesn't like me very much.

She seems to play me and DPs ex off against one another though, some days she will call her everything to me, then if she's annoyed with me for whatever reason she will sprout how great she is. Would assume she does the same to her about me.

I think the same of anyone who doesn't include all their children in so-called family stuff. No discrimination there.

And you can't possibly know what the children don't tell you, can you?

Bitter? Too fucking right. Maybe you should try picking up the pieces of broken hearted children once n a while.

Oh I have done many times. That you see is another example of where you know nothing about my life.
You have no idea what my children have went through with their own father. That's a whole other topic.
So yet again don't make assumptions please.

No your right there, I don't know what they don't tell me but I know them well enough to know when there is something upsetting them that they will come to us straight away, as it is with my children too.

In that case, if she's playing you and exw off each other, she's a manipulative shit stirrer.

Don't play her games. When she criticises exw just say I'd rather not listen thank you.

She's not respecting you at all. She probably dorsnt t respect anybody though.

She probably has no self awareness. Thinks she's right all the time.

Sorry to say it, you got a difficult mil.
Avoid and don't engage.

That's exactly what she's like!

I don't engage when she brings up DPs ex.

She has very little respect for anyone, so completely different to my parents, was a definate shock to the system having her come into my life

I think you need to start a post how to deal with a manipulative shut stirrer. Might get some good tips! I did like the poster up thread who kills with kindness. I have used though tactics with a particular awk are relative and it does baffle them. But mostly I just don't engage.

Don't know if I want to start another post kind of scared me off with this one

Tbf if theyknew about it, kids being kids, it would have come out one way or napther by now - either to you or through the kids. Only suprised bad nanny hasn't told them!!

Pity her her narrowmindedness and treat her with distance and coolness - she obvs wants a reaction

Given how outspoken the kids are I know If they knew about it they would have brought it up by now.

I'm planning on giving her a wide berth. Don't need that stress.

😃

I'm from a family where my dad married a lady with other kids... I don't think it's unfair that you both took your kids on holiday. My dad wasn't really one to spend a lot of cash on us when we were smaller (tbh he was mostly broke), but he always gave us time during the holidays. I was mostly with my gran (his mum) while my mum worked. I'm sure my gran gave him a hard time about how he played happy families with another woman's children. My gran hated my step mother I believe, and I hated that fact because I've always gotten on really well with her, even to this day.

My point to you is that yes people here would say it's unfair but life cannot always be laid out perfectly. I think it's horrible to suggest your kids should not go away because his children couldn't come with you. It's one time ffs, and it's significant that they did have a holiday with their mother. Would people be happier if you alone took them on holiday? No matter how you look at it, your children live with this man. It is different.

Regarding your DP and alone time with his kids, I reckon he should create some. Not every fortnight, but it would be a good thing for his kids to have their dad for themselves a little. Just like it would with every family.

Jay, yes I agree with you, he should and does spend time alone with his children.

Whether that's in the back garden with a ball or colouring in and painting or even sometimes baking. Doesn't matter what he's doing with them it's still one on one time. And it's important for him and his children to get that.
And I have stated many times that he does spend time alone with his children none of the posters seem to see that part though.

I think you're striving to be fair, and that's all that'll ever matter. Your DP's mum is just being like my own grandmother, protective. I loved my grandmother more than anyone. I hope his children will shape their own opinion of you without her influence, just as I had to go against my grandmother's, very vocal, opinion.

You shouldn't focus on her negativity, just make sure you and your DP are trying to do the best for all your children, and create something beautiful for you all.

Jay
think she's been a bit more than just overprotective, she's nasty and hurtful.

It's a lot more long running than this anyway, the way she has treated my partner for as far back as he can remember- but treats his sister completely differently.

He said he has never been able to do nothing right.
But that's not relevant to this issue in this thread I suppose.
That's a whole other problem.

cannotlogin are you a mother who has separated from DCs parent and now your ex has a new partner? Why would the children be broken hearted in this situation?

We will always have opposing views, because my DP had children before ours and I've had a bad experience with his ex and more recently, his mother.
I think people need to be realistic. It's natural that people favour their bio children. I've never understood why so many struggle with this and even pretend they don't. I'm not saying children should be treated differently in the presence of adults because they shouldn't, but stepmums need a break.
Who wants the responsibility of someone else's children? Not many, yet they do it out of love for a child's parent. Most would choose an easier path if they could. As long as a child is being properly treated and cared for when they are in OH and family's care, I don't understand the problem?
In this case, his children have two families and yes there are pros and cons, but honestly in a set up like this, probably more pros and many more people to provide love and support. His children went on holiday and they went during a time of no contact anyway, they haven't lost out.
Visibly to other children, they will get two lots of presents and a lot of people on here think they should have two lots of holidays. Why?

Before you criticise me, my children and SC get exactly the same spent on them for Xmas (usually paid for by me), plus SC get presents from my immediate and extended family. It has crossed my mind that my children will soon realise they're getting much less than SC at Xmas etc. which isn't really fair on them is it? OPs children only have one family and the influence of a grandparent who doesn't treat them fairly or even nicely which definitely isn't fair.
OP is doing her best, she doesn't need the additional grief off MIL.

Oh, my grandma was very nasty. But this is your thread.

She sounds awful. Is he the type that goes running to his mum with all the latest news? I hope he's not. Because it would be so much easier if you both just distanced yourselves and only exchanged pleasantries with her. Why treat any better when she's making your DP feel like shit for everything? My dad distanced himself from my grandmother and I don't blame him. Of all his siblings, he's the one happiest in his marriage, fact.

His mother doesn't have your children's best interests in mind, so her biased opinions will not serve to create peace at home. Seriously, she needs to be 'side dished'. If your partner gave in and did everything she asks, I'm sure she'd find something else to erode his spirit with. Just please, both of you take the focus off her and create a beautiful home for all your children to thrive in.

When she isn't being awful to him he does go to her quite a lot, feel awful for him, he's obviously just reaching out for some kind of love from her.

I will certainly be staying away from her, however he can make his own mind up. I can't make that decision for him.

I suspect he wants her approval.

It's a dynamic that never works.

Yeah that's what it is I think..poor man..

Sounds like the only one with a problem is mil. She sounds toxic!

She is very..
No one is perfect but I always try and treat people how I want to be treated..
She clearly doesn't go with that

mummy I am not a step mother nor have my dc got one. However, I have been a step daughter to no less than 4 step mums and 2 step dads.

I can tell you from considerable experience that nothing you are doing is in any way bad. I may have missed your sc's ages, but if they are still quite young, which it sounds like, the whole 'going out alone with the father' is quite unnecessary (might become necessary when they are teens, but right now, it's not).

To reassure you, I have also been on the receiving end of a 'step-granny' like your dc have. Honestly, it wasn't a big deal. We just ignored her, just as she ignored us. To us, she was not our granny and that's that, no big deal. I wouldn't worry too much about the effect on your children, being mistreated by someone who is so obviously a cow is not that traumatic if it doesn't cause drama in the wider family.

With regards to you mil, I would just declare that she is not welcome in your house. End of. Your dh can take the dc to see her if he wants, but she is not to set foot in your house unless she agrees to abide by your rules in your house. That means behaving the way you have established, to whatever child is there. There is no 'granny decides' if it is in your house.

Oh and ffs, the holiday is no big deal. Really.

I think I went on holiday with my dad twice, in the 18 years I lived in the same country as him. He went with his various sc every year. I went with my mother and step-dad, or my maternal grandfather, so I got holidays anyway. My step sibs got their mother and my father.

I remain thoroughly un-traumatised. So does my step sister, whose father I often went on holidays without her (she was on holiday with her mother and her step-dad, whose dc weren't there either!).

Really, this is just par for the course in blended families. Sometimes you go with one, sometimes you go with the other. Provided you don't have a situation where one set goes all the time and the other never goes, the particulars don't matter all that much.

I must be the world worst step mother and mother as my DH and I took my DD on holiday for three weeks to America leaving behind 2 of my children and my two step children!
Cant believe the grief the op is getting for taking her children on holiday for 4 days.
Sorry you MIL sounds awful, mine isn't great either, fortunately she lives 6 hours away.