To stop talking to MIL?

[mummytofourbabys]

Right guys, brace yourselves this is going to be a big one.

Have been with DP for 4 years now, have 3 boys with my EXP and one Dd with my partner now..DP has 3 kids with his ex, so 7 altogether

My 4 children live with us, DP works 7 days then has 7 off so the 7 he has off we take his kids for 4 days.

Dps mother is a very very difficult woman, totally resents me and my children and seems to think that DPs 3 children with his ex should get treated like royalty. However I have stayed civil with her out of respect and at times kept my mouth shut when I usually wouldn't.

I know I'm rambling a bit..but I will get there.

So over the years there has been many arguments with her saying that "we don't do enough for DPs children" we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week, but that isn't enough to her.
over the course of the 4 years she has got increasingly jealous? And Bitter towards my children. But she is a fantastic grandmother to his 3 children so put it down to her just being overprotective. She regularly snipes at my boys when we are all together and takes great delight in pointing out if one of them misbehave, she very rarely pays them any attention, and most of the time will just ignore them.

During all this I have most of the time kept my mouth shut- last year we took my children on a little caravan holiday, as his 3 had already been abroad with MIL. She kicked off about this- and said we "HAD to get someone to look after my boys so we could then take his 3 children on holiday" she regularly makes snipey remarks about "the boys coming first" and that DP spends more time with my boys than his own "flesh and blood" " bearing in mind we live together in the same house this point is ridiculous.

There is a lot more to this but would be here all day if I was to explain everything.
Anyway 7months ago our DD was born, given that MIL in such a brilliant grandmother to his 3 children I assumed she would be the same with DD however she Barely pays her any attention hasn't spent longer than 1 hour at one time with her since she was born, she takes his 3 children twice a week every week without fail but has only had DD once in seven months, if we have his 3 children staying she will phone and ask how they are..no mention of DD or my boys though.

She's a very sly, calculating nasty woman and says really hurtful things but without actually directly coming out and saying them.

Anyway was a big argument last week, where she stated DP is "putting someone else's children before his own" "their his flesh and blood they should come before my kids" when his kids come to stay he should "leave the boys and DD at home and take his kids places on his own" among many other little digs directed towards my children.

I lost it and got very angry as I am sick and tired of my children being dragged into her silly petty arguments. Sick of nothing we do being good enough. She's one of them people that will always focus on what DP isn't doing instead of praising him for what he does do.

AIBU to cut her out of my life completely?
Don't need the stress of her anymore, think I have been more than patient and tried my best to remain civil but enough is enough.

Sorry for the huuuuge story

Actually, I was talking about all the children in my previous post (including yours). They've all gone from being an 'average' family, to an exceptionally large one. I am not condoning or excusing your MiL's behaviour in the slightest, I'm genuinely just trying to reason out why she may be behaving as she is. If there was any way of trying to compromise, it would be much easier than a life of bickering and avoiding each other. If you want advice, I feel you have been given it. If you just want to rant and ultimately go no contact, that's more than fair, but AIBU was probably not the best place for it.

Grannytomine

Glad to see a point of view from a normal MILs perspective.

Your DIL must be thanking her lucky stars haha.

Edmund I did want advice and I appreciate it all and am trying to look objectively at everything everyone is saying but a lot of It I feel is unfair.

In an ideal world of course I would like it all to be resolved and life to be rosy but can't see that happening at all, she is a very unreasonable person and won't be willing to talk it out.

Only thing I can do is sit back, not bite and hope that things get better. Cos I certainly don't want a huge argument as it wouldn't solve a thing.

She sounds nasty to me, and although there could be an eliment of truth there, I would at least spend as little time as possible with her.

Yes it is very sad. I definitely don't agree with her attitude, would be easier to draw a diagram! But I was just trying to illustrate that she is far removed from caring about the situation between you and your ex and how this affects your 3 having holidays with their 2 parents (or not), in any context other than how it affects her first 3 grandchildren. Effectively she's a bit blinkered. I'd suggest sitting her down and trying to explain why you don't see the logistics in the same way she does but not sure how that would go!

I'm not disputing the fact that she may have a point with some of what she says- it's the way she voices that point and the nastiness of how she comes across I have an issue with. Along with the way she treats and refers to my children.
My children nor I need that kind of negativity in our lives.

Mummy I did hear her bragging to a group of mums that she gets more support off me with the children than anyone she knows. I was quite touched as on here it always seems like MILs are the devil and she does get an awful lot of support from me but of course I want to do it because the kids are great so no hardship there.

Have tried the sitting down and discussing it.
And You know how you get some people that just cannot mentally comprehend that there can actual sometimes be another point other than just theirs?
Well she is one of them people and "blinkered" is a very accurate word to use because that's exactly what it is. She only sees her first 3 grandchildren in her tunnel vision and no one else comes into it.

Well you carry on then granny :) your obviously doing a great job.
She is very lucky. And yes MILs do tend to have a bad reputation, but I know not all are like mine. Haha.

Maybe it was wrong of me to take my children away. But I try my best to give them the best childhood I can and don't want them to miss out on things like holidays.

Try to understand your MIL's point of view. You are very defensive of your children and are desperate for them not to miss out. She is equally defensive about her grandchildren and equally doesn't want them to miss out - which she rightly sees happening. You are angry that she is treating your children as inferior, she is angry that you are treating her grandchildren as inferior.

So because she is only 7 months old she doesn't deserve a relationship with her GM?

I mean this nicely but I think you need to get a grip on this one. Many grandparents don't take their grandchildren out as babies but go on to have wonderful relationships with them when they are older. I don't think my DF ever so much as held my DCs as babies. He's great with them now.

Babies are hard work and for many people not much fun. I wouldn't voluntarily choose to take someone else's baby out but that doesn't mean I don't love them.

Just because she used to take her older grandchildren as babies doesn't mean she has to want that again. Things change. She's older. Your DD is not the exciting first born (the curse of every subsequent child). Maybe the other children were babies she felt obliged to take them.

Whatever. It doesn't matter. Your DD is too young for this to bother her, the only person it bothers is you. And you are completely over-reacting.

When have I treated her granchildren as inferior?

When have I treated her granchildren as inferior?

When you took your took half the children in the family on holiday and not the other half.

You may not have intended to treat them as inferior but that is what you did

So what should I have done?

My partners children go on holiday every year with her.
My children had never been on holiday.

So I decided-maybe wrongly-to take my children away for a few days.

If I had not taken them on holiday then they wouldn't have got to go at all, ever, as my parents aren't in a position to take them and neither are their dad?

OP I'm with you on the holiday issue btw. It's fine for you to take your own away. x

Did you take your children away? Or did you and DP take your children away?

Me and him.

Yes I agree, you need to justify the holiday. Maybe don't plan it that way everytime but whilst money is tight you can only do your best.
Both sets of kids have had a holiday.
It might be in the future you take dos kids and that yeT their mum can't afford it.
I think so long as you keep an eye on the bigger picture and roughly keep it even, that's all you can do.

I think it would have been fine just you and your children but this action of you and him has really given rise to a huge question mark over his priorities. Can you imagine it the other way and go on holiday with your partner's children without your own?

I realise you can see why this might be problematic but perhaps you need to take it that bit further and you and your partner admit how damaging that action has been and say that to your MIL. Kind of an attempt at wiping the slate clean and starting over? Acknowledging her concerns to her might just help,ease the situation?

You DON'T to, sorry, I was agreeing with Pictish.

Why does it have to be even? These are different sets of children with different parents with different financial circumstances. Do you feel a need for your children to have the same as their best friend, cousin, next door neighbour?

"My ex partner has 3 children with someone else and they've been on holiday without my children and that isn't a issue to me, neither is it an issue to my children, as I'm their mother and the main carer and they only see their dad part time."

This isn't the same thing though from your MIL's pov. This would only be the same if the 3 children were biologically his new partner's and not his. Imagine him paying and taking the time off to go on holiday with his stepchildren and not yours. This might not bother you still but there are plenty that it would.

Maybe you would be better off doing short breaks away with all of you, or saving for a big holiday every other year. Tricky.

Again... not saying I agree. I imagine on the side of your DP's ex there could be her MIL who is not particularly interested in your DP's 3 but dotes on the 2 younger ones who are her son's!

Obviously in the future ideally we would like to take all the kids away together but at that moment in time I did what I could so my children weren't losing out on getting away.

Despite what you all think my children are also a priority in this.

If we were financially in a position to take his kids too we would have, but we weren't.

And no I wouldn't go on holiday without my children but that is because they live with me, they don't stay overnight anywhere else-not even their dads. So I wouldn't make a point of putting them to stay somewhere else just to take his kids on holiday.

I think everyone who's saying this is damaging to his Children is over reacting! It was one holiday- once- for 4 days we don't make a point every year of taking my kids and not his his away on holiday. It was one time! I hardly think in the bigger scheme of things not going on a 4 day break in a caravan is going to emotionally damage them. Come on guys. Really?