To stop talking to MIL?

[mummytofourbabys]

Right guys, brace yourselves this is going to be a big one.

Have been with DP for 4 years now, have 3 boys with my EXP and one Dd with my partner now..DP has 3 kids with his ex, so 7 altogether

My 4 children live with us, DP works 7 days then has 7 off so the 7 he has off we take his kids for 4 days.

Dps mother is a very very difficult woman, totally resents me and my children and seems to think that DPs 3 children with his ex should get treated like royalty. However I have stayed civil with her out of respect and at times kept my mouth shut when I usually wouldn't.

I know I'm rambling a bit..but I will get there.

So over the years there has been many arguments with her saying that "we don't do enough for DPs children" we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week, but that isn't enough to her.
over the course of the 4 years she has got increasingly jealous? And Bitter towards my children. But she is a fantastic grandmother to his 3 children so put it down to her just being overprotective. She regularly snipes at my boys when we are all together and takes great delight in pointing out if one of them misbehave, she very rarely pays them any attention, and most of the time will just ignore them.

During all this I have most of the time kept my mouth shut- last year we took my children on a little caravan holiday, as his 3 had already been abroad with MIL. She kicked off about this- and said we "HAD to get someone to look after my boys so we could then take his 3 children on holiday" she regularly makes snipey remarks about "the boys coming first" and that DP spends more time with my boys than his own "flesh and blood" " bearing in mind we live together in the same house this point is ridiculous.

There is a lot more to this but would be here all day if I was to explain everything.
Anyway 7months ago our DD was born, given that MIL in such a brilliant grandmother to his 3 children I assumed she would be the same with DD however she Barely pays her any attention hasn't spent longer than 1 hour at one time with her since she was born, she takes his 3 children twice a week every week without fail but has only had DD once in seven months, if we have his 3 children staying she will phone and ask how they are..no mention of DD or my boys though.

She's a very sly, calculating nasty woman and says really hurtful things but without actually directly coming out and saying them.

Anyway was a big argument last week, where she stated DP is "putting someone else's children before his own" "their his flesh and blood they should come before my kids" when his kids come to stay he should "leave the boys and DD at home and take his kids places on his own" among many other little digs directed towards my children.

I lost it and got very angry as I am sick and tired of my children being dragged into her silly petty arguments. Sick of nothing we do being good enough. She's one of them people that will always focus on what DP isn't doing instead of praising him for what he does do.

AIBU to cut her out of my life completely?
Don't need the stress of her anymore, think I have been more than patient and tried my best to remain civil but enough is enough.

Sorry for the huuuuge story

Pn girl they r his stepchildren only one of them is his biologically

Not sure if this has been said already, as I've only managed to get through part of the thread.

I do think you need to take a step back from MIL for a bit. She sounds very defensive and this could be why she is behaving the way she is. She clearly feels (rightly or wrongly) that your kids have it good while her GC are 2nd fiddle. The new DD is also being seen as "yours" even though also her GC.

With the holiday; try to look at it from another perspective. Would you/have you left your own DC behind and taken his 3 away with your DH? I know yours don't have contact with their dad, but if they did, would you have done that while he had them?

I think you all need to really think/talk about the complex dynamics playing out here. Maybe your DH could take them away for the 4 days he has them (or longer with annual leave)?

It sounds really stressful for all of you right now but what is coming across is that you all care very much about the fact this the current situation isn't working, which is at least common ground to start from.

This thread has made my mind up btw. I want nothing more to do with my MIL. I don't want my children to realise the vast divide in how they are loved and treated and think it's better to avoid the situation as much as possible.
She turned up with the kids to my DSs birthday with a face on, refusing to speak to anyone except my DPs kids. Strangely, she also said they couldn't come a week or so before and then randomly turned up with them
My DP has said MIL prioritises them as their Dad isn't at home (she left him for someone else) and the ex moved numerous new partners in after a week (she has eventually settled down and is getting remarried), but the problems she creates may contribute to a breakdown in our relationship. I wonder if she'd pay as much attention to our children as my partners in the same situation. I already know the answer.
They think I'm a 'bipolar psycho' because I've voiced my opinion on this, but yet still dont feel any need to be involved in our children's lives. It will never change and I doubt your MIL will either. She's picked her allegiance and it's unlikely to shift IMO.

So what should I have done?

You should have waited until you could afford to take all the children in the family on holiday. Instead you were so keen to make sure that your children had a holiday with their mum, that you didn't care that this meant the other children in the family lost out on a holiday with their dad.

In doing that you sent out a clear message - that "the family" as far as you are concerned is you, your DH and your children and that making sure your children don't miss out is your priority and that of that means your DH's children have to miss out then so be it.

And if you really believe this isn't a problem then why are you so annoyed that MIL suggested that the next holiday you leave your DC's behind and just take your DH's DCs. If you really believe that leaving one set of children behind isn't a problem why are you annoyed when it's suggested that yours are the ones who are left out?

Glad it's helped u decide mumoftwo

Poor kiddies. Breaks your heart when you see your children being ignored and left to the side.

Hope things get better/easier for you

:)

Breaks your heart? Maybe try being the child who's father saw fit to take a holiday with someone else's children but leave them at home!

Your lack of empathy - despite what you say - is overwhelming.

Why is the holiday such a big deal? All the children went on holiday. If the OP hadn't taken hers they wouldn't have got one. This way everyone did.

Because as I just stated my kids stay with me 24/7 there is nowhere else they stay, not even with their father overnight.

So no I will not put them somewhere else just to please MIL.

We didn't put my partners kids to someone else's house so that we could go on holiday, it didn't interfere with his time with his kids at all. So you can't compare it. There is no comparison.

YOU could have holiday ex with YOUR kids. No problems at all.

Taking a so-called family holiday and leaving your children behind is something very different.

But we didn't. They were with their mother-that is where they stay! We didn't organise a babysitter so that we could go away without them.

My lack of empathy??? You don't even know me, would love to know how you can make a judgement like that based on a handful of posts I've wrote. That's an unfair thing to say.

YABothBU. From the MIL's perspective though, I can see why she is acting as she is regarding her 3 GC. A family member of mine is in this situation; he has moved in with a woman and her children and sees his only EOW. It feels like they have been totally sidelined (which they haven't, he only saw them EOW before) as we see him, her and her DC a lot without his DC. Therefore it appears that he is essentially raising someone elses children, who are getting the good deal. On his contact they never do anything alone, it is always "as a family" which grates other family members. We do feel very defensive towards his children because of this. If he went on holiday without them there would be a riot I think.

My partner works for 7 days straight, 14 hour shifts. If he could have his kids any more than he does he would. He takes them EOW because that's all he can physically take them..

Also OP, how long have you lived with your DP as a family? If you have been together 4 years I will (for the sake of argument) assume you have lived together for 3. It can be very hard to accept children who essentially have no connection to you and treat them as your own. That can take years. She should however not be treating them badly, there is no excuse for that.

Erm....your partner took a family holiday and left a couple of children behind. Those children are part of your family. You don't seem to realise that.

You don't seem to realise that those same children may well feel rejected, sad, upset, heartbroken, that their father took a family holiday without them. And yes, it may well have life-long lasting effects for them.

You also say that 'it breaks your heart when you see your children being ignored and left to the side'. Yet you can't see that is exactly what has happened to your DPs children. Lack of empathy?

Yes just under 3 years we have been living together.

Are you talking about the MIL treating my children badly curly?
I don't expect her to treat them like her GC but I expect her to treat them nicely and with respect. That's all I ask.

Yes it does break her heart. What is she supposed to do, let her children be subject to obvious unfavourable treatment to spare her SC's feelings who do actually have another mother and a father who is evidently involved and cares and a doting grandmother.
Not everyone can focus their love, affection and efforts on the SC 100% of the time, there are other children involved here who are actually being overlooked.
That's the situation I'm in and it's crap. Of course she wants to protect her bio children, but she has done nothing wrong by taking them on holiday when her SC had already had one. It was a 4 day caravan break ffs.

Ok cannotlogin thanks for your input. I am not going to reply anymore as I can't see his conversation going anywhere good. A huuuuge big deal is being made about a 4 day holiday and that's not what this thread is about. But thanks anyway :)

I disagree that you should be separating and him having alone time with his children.

I think as long as he is giving them attention when they are at yours and are truly feel part of the family then that is what matters - why separate and make things his/hers???

As for the holiday it is a tricky one.... I totally see what you are saying and agree your children need a holiday but can see why mil got funny...

Having said that I think MIL is out of order - but your DP needs to address all of this.

Thank you mumoftwo. You said it better than I could have.

And spotty that's how I see it. But accept that everyone has different opinions :)

Yes, it is a huge big deal. The fact that your children have been treated badly is widely acknowledged on this thread. The fact that your step children have had the same experience is unimportant.

I think the focus on one four day holiday is getting out of perspective.

The OO said her mil is ignoring her fourth grandchild, the DD the op and dp have.

That's pretty shit.

I think YANBU sounds like you, your DP and all the children you have between you are perfectly happy and your MIL is just stirring for no good reason. She sounds dreadful! If your step children are happy there is nothing she is gaining by any of this except hurting you and your DP.

OP ask for this to be moved to Step parenting.

FWIW we never had holidays with DSD's, partly because we couldn't afford it, but mostly because XW wouldn't allow DH to take the girls with our DC. It wouldn't have been worth the upset that she would cause the girls by threatening them with withholding contact, or the repeated SS reports (which was the same if we went anywhere without them). Our DC have missed out on years of holidays with us, but now that the girls are adults they see that it wasn't fair to them (our DC) because they went away with their mum.

MIL was initially all about DSD's missing out but after a few years she started to see how her relationship with DS was being affected and began to include him more. There's a big gap between DS and DD, and their relationship with MIL is not as close as what the girls have because she always prioritised them, but she's a lot better now that the older 3 are adults. It was a long hard slog and she still has her moments but she's actually a lovely granny. Your MIL is bat shit tho!

If i thought it was unimportant I wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place.

Of course it's important.

But it's also important that my children get to have a happy childhood and don't miss out just because we can't afford to take all 7 away at once.

Huni how do I do that?