To stop talking to MIL?

[mummytofourbabys]

Right guys, brace yourselves this is going to be a big one.

Have been with DP for 4 years now, have 3 boys with my EXP and one Dd with my partner now..DP has 3 kids with his ex, so 7 altogether

My 4 children live with us, DP works 7 days then has 7 off so the 7 he has off we take his kids for 4 days.

Dps mother is a very very difficult woman, totally resents me and my children and seems to think that DPs 3 children with his ex should get treated like royalty. However I have stayed civil with her out of respect and at times kept my mouth shut when I usually wouldn't.

I know I'm rambling a bit..but I will get there.

So over the years there has been many arguments with her saying that "we don't do enough for DPs children" we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week, but that isn't enough to her.
over the course of the 4 years she has got increasingly jealous? And Bitter towards my children. But she is a fantastic grandmother to his 3 children so put it down to her just being overprotective. She regularly snipes at my boys when we are all together and takes great delight in pointing out if one of them misbehave, she very rarely pays them any attention, and most of the time will just ignore them.

During all this I have most of the time kept my mouth shut- last year we took my children on a little caravan holiday, as his 3 had already been abroad with MIL. She kicked off about this- and said we "HAD to get someone to look after my boys so we could then take his 3 children on holiday" she regularly makes snipey remarks about "the boys coming first" and that DP spends more time with my boys than his own "flesh and blood" " bearing in mind we live together in the same house this point is ridiculous.

There is a lot more to this but would be here all day if I was to explain everything.
Anyway 7months ago our DD was born, given that MIL in such a brilliant grandmother to his 3 children I assumed she would be the same with DD however she Barely pays her any attention hasn't spent longer than 1 hour at one time with her since she was born, she takes his 3 children twice a week every week without fail but has only had DD once in seven months, if we have his 3 children staying she will phone and ask how they are..no mention of DD or my boys though.

She's a very sly, calculating nasty woman and says really hurtful things but without actually directly coming out and saying them.

Anyway was a big argument last week, where she stated DP is "putting someone else's children before his own" "their his flesh and blood they should come before my kids" when his kids come to stay he should "leave the boys and DD at home and take his kids places on his own" among many other little digs directed towards my children.

I lost it and got very angry as I am sick and tired of my children being dragged into her silly petty arguments. Sick of nothing we do being good enough. She's one of them people that will always focus on what DP isn't doing instead of praising him for what he does do.

AIBU to cut her out of my life completely?
Don't need the stress of her anymore, think I have been more than patient and tried my best to remain civil but enough is enough.

Sorry for the huuuuge story

I grew up in a big family - we didn't go away on holiday until the older ones could be left/left home as we physically couldn't all go together.
You can't satisfy everyone esp as a step parent (especially on here).

The MIL seems like another issue - if she doesn't start to have any interest in DD I would cut her out - she sees the boys otherwise, her contact with you is offering you nothing positive.

In a very similar situation, but I have no children from before. Me and DP have two children together, he has two from his marriage.
I had got pretty well with his mum before and took her to theatre with tickets she got me for my birthday...which is when she told me she will always prioritise partners two kids over ours. I was gobsmacked. She had always had them every Tuesday and at ex's request to babysit over weekends etc. She has made zero effort with our kids. When we've asked her to have our DS, she's said no as he doesn't know her. He never will, which is very sad. I have got angry and upset about all of this with partner and her. DP asked her and she said the more time she spends with them, the more she loves them. So the fact she sees his other children twice a week and ours maybe fleetingly twice a year obviously means she loves them more. DP has said she doesn't mean that but she obviously does, so it has also caused arguments between us.
She obviously slags me off to everyone, as our children don't get invited to family parties, even tho his other children do and apparently no one can stand my DPs ex, so I don't think it's fair that their dislike of me affects our kids. I am upset for our DC as they only have one (very small with no other children) family, but at the end of the day, I've said how I feel and I can't change her. It is her loss and I just have to accept it. I have two gorgeous children that his family will never know or be a part of. I'm fortunate that my parents and family adore our kids but it is upsetting. Oh and his Dad never even sent a card when we had DD
I don't want to speak to her again, so I don't think it's unreasonable.

I've seen it on Mumsnet a lot that grandparents are expected to be involved from day one.

In real life most grandparents I know don't get properly involved until the kids are at least two. Maybe it's just my social circle aren't that tolerate of babies

Im just saying it's perfectly possible to be both a loving grandparent AND to think babies are best with their parents until they are old enough to understand things like goodbye (so not scream for mum/dad and not understand they aren't here), be able to express their needs through simple communication, and not need carrying all the time.

I realise it's a side issue. Just that being hands off with a 7m old seems perfectly reasonable to me.

But you're seeing the brilliant dad from your perspective that the mum is responsible for holidays, etc, so of course your view is going to be skewed, anything he does above the baseline of the bare minimum will look fantastic to you.

Thanks for addressing my comment though.

So because my opinion is that me, as a mother is responsible for taking my children on holiday that means I'm incapable of saying whether someone is a good parent or not?

mummy, honestly were you just hoping everyone would say how horrible your MiL is? You've become quite defensive over some of these comments. The holiday issue for example, of course you can be responsible for taking your kids on one, yet don't see how it's unfair that he doesn't take his children on one. That is not an issue caused by your MiL. There may be no issues now, but little things like this could build over the years, I think some on here have only given fair advice and insight.

You obviously know your MiL is problematic in her attitude. If you do not feel that will change, then fair enough, leave her to it. Don't engage, just let her have her relationship with her grandchildren/your partner without you seeing/speaking to her. However, I don't think it's a bad thing to look at the whole family dynamic, it being such a large and somewhat complicated set up. All children feel like they could do with some one-one time with a parent once in a blue moon, especially as they get older. Just because they are getting along, does not mean they do not feel left out or disjointed. Have any of them reached teenage years yet?

I am glad you say all the children are happy and well adjusted but I think it must be very difficult and confusing for them all. From what you have posted I think I have got the following right: you and your dp both had 3 children each before you met and then had a dd together so that makes 7. Your dp's ex has gone on to have 2 children with someone else so your dp's kids have 3 step-siblings and 3 half-sibling. Your ex has gone on to have 3 kids with someone else so your kids have 3-stepsiblings and 4-half siblings! It is a lot of kids and must be extremely confusing for each of them and hard to find and understand where they fit in it all.

I feel you are doing as best you can and no you won't please everyone but I echo the sentiments of others that your partner needs to have sometime with his 3 kids on their own. I also think your mil is looking out for her 3 grandkids and that is why she is acting as she is but is making things more complicated and difficult as a result. I don't think you will make anything easier if you go no contact with her I think you are just going to make things a lot more complicated and also more difficult for your partners 4 kids and tbh in what is already a very confusing complicated family situation I don't think you would be helping anyone by doing that. I think you just need to suck it up and bite your tongue I am afraid. None of these kids asked to be part of these complicated blended families and they have to make a lot compromises knowingly and unknowingly so this a compromise you are going to have to make to ensure this situation works.

MIL is causing problems where there need be none though? If she had something to say, it could be done in a way which is positive or at least well-meaning?

Truth is your MIL probably doesn't like anyone who came after her DS's original perfect family. Now she has a whole lot of step-grandchildren to deal with and she just doesn't want to. You can't change that. The best you can do (to take some positive) is to weed out of the crap anything that she says that might have a point, without taking the crap on board as well.

Of course I'm becoming defensive Iv got people telling me-who don't even know me or my partner that he's not a good dad.

I have said previously that maybe I was wrong about the holiday thing- we all make mistakes and no one is perfect.

But despite what you think we do our best for my partners kids but there is also another 4 kids to consider too.

Yes it is a lot of kids but I never asked for anyone's opinion on that. All I asked was that people give me some advice on how best to deal with the MIL.

Stop trying to please her. She is playing your baby daughter off against her other grandchildren and for this alone she is sly and manipulative and you will always be in the wrong. How sad is this.

I am sorry for you but I am also sorry for your partner because no matter what he does, its wrong.

Your children live at your home and the harsh reality is she does not like this at all. This is the crux of the matter. She is punishing her own gd because she is your child and that is her loss because she does not like the residency status quo.

I don't know what she hopes the outcome will be, that you send your children to live elsewhere? Does she want your dh to have residence of his children? There is no happy outcome and I think you are right to distance yourself to avoid flashpoint moments.

She cannot see that it is also unfair on your dh's children because their time with their dad will be marred by atmosphere and sniping, when it does not appear from what you say his children are unhappy with the current arrangements.

It is about doing what is best for the children, not what she thinks is best for her.

Daisy
I am trying to do that and I admit that sometimes yes she does have a point but I think a lot of what she says is clouded by her unhappiness of DP being with me.

Oh also agree with Banana. Being a stepmother you will always be vilified, especially on here. You can't do right for doing wrong and you certainly are not, under any circumstances, ever ever ever, as your children's mother, to favour your own children, like your step DCs mother does them. In fact, she's probably such a saint, she always considers your children's feelings, buys them presents, invites them on holiday etc. Oh no wait....
I don't necessarily agree with the holiday comments and I think it's unfair that your children don't get a holiday and their step/half siblings do, just because you can't take them all, but that's only my opinion.

Elsie

Thank you

Every single thing you just said is true.

And it describes things perfectly, quite scarily accurate actually do I know you? Haha

Just to compound my reputation on this thread (I'm not a troll, in other threads I'm suggesting baby names and bath taps)...

...she may have felt if you already had 6 six kids between you it was irresponsible to have another. And is still struggling to comes to terms with the whole - you guys being your own family and making your own choices without her judgement / input - thing.

Just a thought. Not saying if it's right or wrong.

Batteries

What do you think her reasonings behind it possible being irresponsible would be?

And thanks mumoftwo

Seems I'm looking like the evil stepmother here when I'm actual fact it couldn't be further away from the truth

Everything we do his children's needs and wants are considered, but everyone needs to remember that I also have my own 4 children that equally need to be considered.

I don't think anyone is a 'bad parent'! I think another poster has made a valid point though. In 4 years, these children (both sides), have gone from being a set of three siblings with two parents, to having several siblings and four (?) parental figures + over-invested grandma. I don't think there's anything wrong in pointing out that it may be worth just checking that all the kids are still feeling ok with the situation, not just getting along (and swept away) just because their parents are moving on/having more kids. Perhaps this is why MiL is acting the way she is, it is a lot of changes for children in quite a short space of time, and she's showing her disapproval/worry in her (what seems to be) usual, negative way.

Op,

Going NC with your mil will just make things harder, not easier. Your DP needs to set ground rules with her, but for the sake of his children and your DD, on whom congrats, it's not worth creating that sort if havoc in their lives with their grandmother, and much better to teach all your children how to behave with firm courtesy. That said, Reduce your exposure to her, remain calm, rise above it, imagine she's a chipmunk going yadda yadda yadda. There's nothing that irritates such a person than not to get a rise out of you. Also, don't forget that what seems deliberate horrid ness to you may not have been meant that way. It may just be insensitivity, not malice.

I'm with other Pps on the holiday thing. Buy some tents and put them up in the garden if you have one. The kids will love it. Especially if you do BBQs as well. Then take them all, somewhere different, but with extra comfort for dd and you. And ace dad can do things like teach them to whittle sticks, make reed pipes, etc.

Ok Edmund fair point so does the same point apply to my children too then? Ypur suggesting that it's acceptable for her to behave like that because of all the upheaval of stepbrothers etc but are forgetting that my children have had just as much upheaval.

Thinking like that would cause a massive chain reaction of people behaving rudely and awfully just because of change of family Dynamics.

Me and partner never took the decision to get together and be joined as a large family lightly, it was spoken about in great length with all the children and we made sure they were all happy with the arrangements before we made any decisions.

That if he's only spending four days every two weeks with his DC from previous relationship as it is, another baby will spread him even more thinly. But I think maybe I think babies are harder work than other people do, the thought of adding a baby to a house of 3 kids plus 3 visiting kids equates to chaos in my head.

I'm not saying she would be right. I'm just saying a new baby changes things for any family and she may have felt with a big set up, and with finances not stretching for whole family holidays, another child might negatively impact on her grandkids.

You might find in time she comes round to the idea and softens up. Maybe. Or maybe she's just a total bitch!

All the holiday stuff aside, the main thing here is that the centre of all this in your head is your home, which contains your 3 children, and your joint DD. His children are external and “come into” yours and DPs world for a few days a fortnight.

To your MIL, the “centre” is your DPs first three kids hence her taking them away etc. On one side is their mum who has them most of the time and her kids, and on the other is you and DP. In her mind, your children and the one who has come out of your partnership are “external” too and off to one side of her priorities. Your ex and whether or not he takes your first 3 on holiday meaning you have to take them instead isn’t even on her radar. Your MIL associates your DD with the situation that has come out of the marriage breakup, which she doesn’t like, and is mentally boxing her in with your first 3 kids.
I don’t think you can change this behaviour or mindset really, particularly with reference to your DD.

Well batteries if this what she chooses to think then let her.

Our little girl is very special and is loved just as much as the rest of the kids, she has completed our family and has linked us all together.
And if she's choosing to see her as a negative addition then that is her loss I'm afraid.

She has in no way made my partners time with his other children any less important. He makes a big effort to reinforce that to his children. And makes sure he doesn't spend any less time with them when they stay over.

Pngirl I think you are right I think she does group our DD in the same category as my children. Which is sad really because it means our DD is going to grow up and see a divide that her GM has created.

I don't get the "you owe his kids a holiday" this isn't the playground. I can understand that his children are more important to his mother than yours are, not nice but there you are, but she is being nasty not even asking about the baby. Unpleasant woman and I don't blame you. I am a MIL and my DIL is with someone new and I treat him as one of the family let alone my son's new partner.