To stop talking to MIL?

[mummytofourbabys]

Right guys, brace yourselves this is going to be a big one.

Have been with DP for 4 years now, have 3 boys with my EXP and one Dd with my partner now..DP has 3 kids with his ex, so 7 altogether

My 4 children live with us, DP works 7 days then has 7 off so the 7 he has off we take his kids for 4 days.

Dps mother is a very very difficult woman, totally resents me and my children and seems to think that DPs 3 children with his ex should get treated like royalty. However I have stayed civil with her out of respect and at times kept my mouth shut when I usually wouldn't.

I know I'm rambling a bit..but I will get there.

So over the years there has been many arguments with her saying that "we don't do enough for DPs children" we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week, but that isn't enough to her.
over the course of the 4 years she has got increasingly jealous? And Bitter towards my children. But she is a fantastic grandmother to his 3 children so put it down to her just being overprotective. She regularly snipes at my boys when we are all together and takes great delight in pointing out if one of them misbehave, she very rarely pays them any attention, and most of the time will just ignore them.

During all this I have most of the time kept my mouth shut- last year we took my children on a little caravan holiday, as his 3 had already been abroad with MIL. She kicked off about this- and said we "HAD to get someone to look after my boys so we could then take his 3 children on holiday" she regularly makes snipey remarks about "the boys coming first" and that DP spends more time with my boys than his own "flesh and blood" " bearing in mind we live together in the same house this point is ridiculous.

There is a lot more to this but would be here all day if I was to explain everything.
Anyway 7months ago our DD was born, given that MIL in such a brilliant grandmother to his 3 children I assumed she would be the same with DD however she Barely pays her any attention hasn't spent longer than 1 hour at one time with her since she was born, she takes his 3 children twice a week every week without fail but has only had DD once in seven months, if we have his 3 children staying she will phone and ask how they are..no mention of DD or my boys though.

She's a very sly, calculating nasty woman and says really hurtful things but without actually directly coming out and saying them.

Anyway was a big argument last week, where she stated DP is "putting someone else's children before his own" "their his flesh and blood they should come before my kids" when his kids come to stay he should "leave the boys and DD at home and take his kids places on his own" among many other little digs directed towards my children.

I lost it and got very angry as I am sick and tired of my children being dragged into her silly petty arguments. Sick of nothing we do being good enough. She's one of them people that will always focus on what DP isn't doing instead of praising him for what he does do.

AIBU to cut her out of my life completely?
Don't need the stress of her anymore, think I have been more than patient and tried my best to remain civil but enough is enough.

Sorry for the huuuuge story

Thunder I meant that over time it could balance out. Op is talking about one holiday. Not never taking the dp kids on holiday.

I agree thunder it's almost because the parents aren't together the DC don't get to experience a holiday with their DF which is fundmentally wrong in my eyes. It not their fault the DC have a split home. In regards to the birth yes mil was wrong on that part but I'm guessing she was keen to make sure that his DCs didn't miss out maybe an hour could been arranged when you left for them to see DD.

And yes 7 kids probably in a lot of ways isn't the best scenario

But me and DP love each other and that's just how it's turned out, so we make the best of our situation and try and do our best for each and every child-which sometimes isn't always possible-but we try bloody hard to make it work.

When so many children are involved we are never going to please everyone. But we never intentionally exclude anyone just to be nasty.

She sounds delightful. Yes, I'd cut her out. Life is too short to stress over other people's pettiness.

Your arrangement with your DP's children sounds fair and reasonable. You have 7 children between you and it's not going to be easy to juggle everything for all of them, but it sounds like you're doing a good job of it all.

Rise above MIL's snipey comments, perhaps she thinks she is just looking out for her grandchildren's (or 3 of them anyway) best interests but is missing the mark. Regardless, keep going as you are.

This sounds so difficult, but if you only have the DC's 4 nights fortnightly and MiL has them for tea 2 nights weekly, She is having more access than their Dad is, then saying he is not doing enough for them.

I would cut her nights to make more time for Dad to have them.

difficult situation

I think 1 ) your dh needs to say to mil, this is how things are, we cant and wont change things, its whats happened deal with it, we wont put up with any more negative remarks and and comments its not helping anyone.

If she keeps going there will be consequences. Its simply not helpful.

2. I agree with the others, your DH should make time for his boys, without a doubt. He lives with yours 24/7 then THEY have to share him with all these other DC on only 4 days.

One lunch, dinner, visit somewhere - just footy in the park for a few hours on one of the days I think would make a huge difference. Its also about the boys self esteem.

If my parents had your set up, even if I adored my SM and half bros and sisters - I would want time alone with my dad or mum.

good luck op.

OP - your biggest mistake has been to put this in AIBU instead of Step Parenting!!!
None of this is any of your MIL's business and she should wind her neck in and butt out.

Does your DP support you or does he back down to her?
If you and your DP are happy with your arrangements and all your DC are happy then she should be told to back off.
DP and I have 2 dc each (none together). Both dc have separate holidays and we always try to give them one altogether. DP lives with me and my dc and his dc live with their mum so obviously he spends more time with mine but that's not an unusual situation and it doesn't mean his own two are out in the cold.
Its so difficult blending families as it is without shit stirring and sniping coming from your DP's mum who should be supporting all of you.
PS big respect for having 7 dc between you - it must be hard work having 7 kids to look after every other week. Maybe MIL should focus on how much you do for her grandchildren and not pick on the negative all the time.

Cosmo in regards to the birth it had already been arranged that his kids were going to be coming just a couple of hours later. No one was missing out. We made sure of that.

"I see holidays as the mums responsibility".

This sums up your whole attitude towards these children.

PandaWhy cut MILs nights with the GC? That arrange assume is made through the DM

one more thing, with someone like your mil who is barking at you all rather than kindly discussing things, at the moment its not clear whether the boys are pouring their hearts out t her - and she is trying to help them. Regardless I think he needs to spend alone time with them, but its worth considering she could be seeing another side in all this.

Your kids have you all the time whereas he only sees his every other week
I don't get this attitude at all? His kids aren't left by the roadside when they aren't with their Dad. They presumably have a Mum and other family (in this case a doting grandma) who they spend quality time with.
I hate this attitude that the NR children are hard done by when more often than not they get the best of both worlds.

Op its obvious your trying your best.

It sounds very difficult and I can see right and wrong on both sides. It sounds like you're a great step mum, op, and trying your best to do the right thing. However, please don't underestimate what it's like to be the child who has been replaced. Your husband left his children (doesn't matter who left who, this is how it looks from where the kids are) and got some nice new replacement ones. My father did exactly the same thing. Your mil (like my gm) doesn't approve and is desperate to save those children from the damage that being the left behind child can do. In her own sledgehammer type way she's got a point. It's great that you want to include them (my step mother never included us in anything) but they need time just them and their dad. It must be very hard because you have so many children's needs to accommodate. If you want to go lc with her then do but don't expect your husband to follow you.

Gosh there are a lot of posters here who are posting based on their own childhoods and ignoring huge parts of what the OP is actually posting. That's not helping anyone.

You shouldn't have gone on holiday without his DC. It should either have been all 7 DC and you and DP, or your 4 DC and you, and your DP stayed at home and spent some quality time with his DC, if he really couldn't afford to bring them. That was pretty poor form and you played right into her hands with that one.

DPs kids go on holiday with their mum without your children, yours go on one without DPs kids, and you have one blended holiday a year, possibly splitting some costs with DPEX? I think it's reasonable your children have a nice holiday away on their own as well! non of the kids chose to be part of a blended family so will appreciate having some time with you on holiday as a family unit, I don't see anything wrong with this personally! They may feel left out if you don't do it this way, that the other children get to holiday with their mum but yours always have to share?

My dad never took me and siblings away at all let alone with the step siblings!

Penelope. My attitude towards "those children" are certainly not what you are implying- my opinion in regards to the holidays being a mums responsibility is also still my opinion when it comes to my own children. So if it was against "those children" then it wouldn't apply to my children also- because as I've already mentioned my ex partner takes his children with his new gf on holiday and it doesn't affect my boys neither do I have an issue with it.

You can't assume you know my attitude towards my step children based on one post.

Think sometimes people need to remember we all have different opinions doesn't mean your opinion is right and mines is wrong- there is no right and wrong.

I love my step children and do what I can to make them feel loved and accepted. Would never intentionally hurt them or upset them.

She just has different views towards blended families than you do.

It's not really a dig to point out things that are accurate, something's in your posts are reasonable and some are not.

It is a fact that your kids are with him all the time and in essence he is parenting them all the time, it is also a fact that his kids are not. This is not something that is 'just the way it is because you love each other' it is an active choice you both made and you did so on behalf of your children. It is however something that has happened and everybody needs to make the best of it.

OP I'm with you - your MIL is standing up for her GC rights in the wrong way - you DP and his ex have a system that works for them.

How you spend the rest of your time together is nobodies else's

Will MIL be taking your DD on the next trip? Does she have DD for tea each week?

My MIL favours SIL son in the same manor and we aren't a blended family - that's a red herring - imagine if DP kids were Nephews or nieces and she did this - people would agree she's being unfair - taking one set and not the other - ignoring one set and not the other - outing one child in the ignore category -

Life would be great if we could all afford to take lots of kids on lots of holidays but life isn't fair and kids had a holiday - it's not the end of the world

So the OP isn't allowed to take her own dc on holiday without the DSC but the dsc can go off abroad with her MIL
Double standards much??? That is blatantly unfair.
If its one rule for all then NONE of the dc should be allowed any holidays unless all 7 go.

I agree that you are doing your best in the circumstances and I also agree that your mil is quite the hag. She may have a point here and there but she can still fuck off coming at you like a bull in a china shop.

Let me just make it clear again

1. my partner does have time alone with his children when me and my children are out at groups. But nothing is ever good enough for MIL

2. I have made it very clear to DP that I wouldn't stop his mother seeing my DD-not that she wants to-and that if I decide to go NC with her obviously that doesn't include him as its his mother

3. given the type of person MIL is I can assure you If my partners children had been complaining to her they were feeing excluded or left out she would take great delight in telling us.

No she doesn't take DD at all. That's what I'm trying to say.

And to the previous poster that's stated this is because my partners children come from a broken family so she maybe feels they need more attention- not exact words used but was more or less making that point-

don't see how that is a fair point- that's implying that for my DD to get any attention from her GM me and her father would have to be split up? Don't see how that's very fair. It's not his children's fault that things didn't work out with their mother and father but it's also not my DDs fault that me and her father are still together.

What does DP say about the whole thing?