To stop talking to MIL?

[mummytofourbabys]

Right guys, brace yourselves this is going to be a big one.

Have been with DP for 4 years now, have 3 boys with my EXP and one Dd with my partner now..DP has 3 kids with his ex, so 7 altogether

My 4 children live with us, DP works 7 days then has 7 off so the 7 he has off we take his kids for 4 days.

Dps mother is a very very difficult woman, totally resents me and my children and seems to think that DPs 3 children with his ex should get treated like royalty. However I have stayed civil with her out of respect and at times kept my mouth shut when I usually wouldn't.

I know I'm rambling a bit..but I will get there.

So over the years there has been many arguments with her saying that "we don't do enough for DPs children" we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week, but that isn't enough to her.
over the course of the 4 years she has got increasingly jealous? And Bitter towards my children. But she is a fantastic grandmother to his 3 children so put it down to her just being overprotective. She regularly snipes at my boys when we are all together and takes great delight in pointing out if one of them misbehave, she very rarely pays them any attention, and most of the time will just ignore them.

During all this I have most of the time kept my mouth shut- last year we took my children on a little caravan holiday, as his 3 had already been abroad with MIL. She kicked off about this- and said we "HAD to get someone to look after my boys so we could then take his 3 children on holiday" she regularly makes snipey remarks about "the boys coming first" and that DP spends more time with my boys than his own "flesh and blood" " bearing in mind we live together in the same house this point is ridiculous.

There is a lot more to this but would be here all day if I was to explain everything.
Anyway 7months ago our DD was born, given that MIL in such a brilliant grandmother to his 3 children I assumed she would be the same with DD however she Barely pays her any attention hasn't spent longer than 1 hour at one time with her since she was born, she takes his 3 children twice a week every week without fail but has only had DD once in seven months, if we have his 3 children staying she will phone and ask how they are..no mention of DD or my boys though.

She's a very sly, calculating nasty woman and says really hurtful things but without actually directly coming out and saying them.

Anyway was a big argument last week, where she stated DP is "putting someone else's children before his own" "their his flesh and blood they should come before my kids" when his kids come to stay he should "leave the boys and DD at home and take his kids places on his own" among many other little digs directed towards my children.

I lost it and got very angry as I am sick and tired of my children being dragged into her silly petty arguments. Sick of nothing we do being good enough. She's one of them people that will always focus on what DP isn't doing instead of praising him for what he does do.

AIBU to cut her out of my life completely?
Don't need the stress of her anymore, think I have been more than patient and tried my best to remain civil but enough is enough.

Sorry for the huuuuge story

I can see this is a complicated situation. However

1. Holidays are not just the mother's responsibility, what an utterly bizarre opinion.

1. Your partner's children really do need time with just their dad once in a while, as difficult as that may be.

I think your MiL is coming over quite badly, rude and interfering. However, from her point of view, she must have been concerned seeing her three grandchildren join such a large family, and was/is obviously concerned they will just get 'lost in the mix' or worse, totally pushed aside. Going on holiday without them just proved this to her, adding in yet another child can't have helped that opinion either.

I think it's safe to say, neither of you will ever really like each other. However you both have to learn some respect. She is looking out for her first three grandchildren, wanting them to still have a strong connecting with their dad and his side of the family, there isn't anything wrong with that. However, she has to accept that most of the time, both your families have to work together as a whole unit, it isnt just about one side getting 'special treatment'.

How long has he been separated by the way? How old are the children? Was he having shared custody for a few years, seeing them alone before being part of such a large, blended family?

Haven't read all the way through OP but some of the answers on your thread are Fucking Ridiculous!

I'm divorced from my first husband,we have 2DS together.
I have never ever insisted that he see's our sons on his own without his now wife present(and I didn't when they weren't married)he's gone onto have 2 more DS with his wife.I wouldn't dream of saying you can only see our sons if you leave your partner and your other sons behind because I'm not a Spoiled Brat!

They had been together just under a year when they met they're Dad's DP,now she's been a right bitch to me in the past,some people have said she see's me as a threat know idea why,I spilt up with him he was an abusive arse when we were together but I would not stop her being around my sons because of how she is towards me!

You've been together for 4 years the MIL from hell needs to get over herself and pronto!It's disgusting that she treats your DC the way she does and now you've given her a grandchild you've had with her son and she's being an arse towards the baby as well she's a toxic wanker!

Of course you shouldn't seperate the DC what the hell will that tell them all?They'd grow up feeling like none of them are family,that would be a completely unnatural set up,by all means if you want to up the chances of them growing up with real emotional problems keep them apart and treat them like they shouldn't be spending time together like a normal family!

But if you want them to grow up caring about one another and you want them growing up like they're all siblings and all part of one big family then ignore your MiL,get your DP to put her straight the wicked cow and ignore the stupid posts that would have you spilt all the familys up!

He has been separated from his ex for 5 years, he saw the children just exact same amount of time he sees them now for 1 year before we got together.

Thanks ohtheholidays glad someone else sees it from my point of view. A lot of what you wrote is exact same as how it is with my ex and my children..

So, for a year I presume it was just 'them and dad'. Did you slowly introduce each other's families, or did things move quickly? Just trying to see where any 'issues' may have began with the MiL.

""couple afternoons a week my children are at groups etc so he is at home alone with his 3 children.
Just isn't enough time in the eyes of his mother""

Because it isn't enough. The house just happens to be empty, because you and your children are busy. Yet, your DH never has anything planned for his children. He should have occasional activities that are him and his children.

"I try and make them feel accepted""

You should do, but their Father shouldn't have to, it should be an active relationship, between him and them.

You've come to terms with your split from your ex and within that there seems to be a summing up of Fathers being "part time" and not shared care.

You don't "take them four days", their Father has his days then and there should be a level of focus on them, alone.

He isn't a "brilliant Dad", he has very little contact and one on one time.

Her MIL has a point and probably sees a lot more, unfairness, than you've written.

Well done to her, for still putting her GCs needs first. Too many Mums side with their Sons.

Edmund I have had nothing but respect for my MIL- respect for her being a great GM to his 3 children and respect for her as DPs mother- but I will only stand for my children being dragged into her arguments for so long. I get no respect in return from her, and have been more than patient over the years.

Birds your post actually made me LOL

You have no clue.
You have no idea what my partner does with his children when I'm not there. Because I never wrote that in my post-so don't just make assumptions based on what you think goes on.

Yes Edmund was very slow, the odd meeting at the park, the odd meal out. Then as the months got on made it more regular.

All along the way his children's feelings were of top priority and we made the decision that If any of the children didn't deal with the "blend" well we wouldn't carry on our relationship.

What does your DP say about his moms attitude?

Yes, I can understand that bringing your children into it isn't ok, but she obviously feels there has been an 'unbalance' for the past few years. Do you think that nothing in your current set-up can be changed, that perhaps that his children (one or all) may be feeling that their dad isn't spending enough time with them anymore? They have said something to their grandmother that they feel they cannot share with you or him.

I may have missed a post, is their mum in a new relationship, with other children on her side?

His mother has had that attitude all through his upbringing, she's very negative towards him and always picks on things he's doing wrong. So he's used to it.

I however, have had a totally different upbringing so to be met with the kind of rudeness and negativity I have had from her has shocked me.

". It should either have been all 7 DC and you and DP, or your 4 DC and you, and your DP stayed at home and spent some quality time with his DC,"

But the youngest child is both of theirs. She has just as much right to her parents' time as her older brothers in this situation.

See, this is the thing with blended and step-families. Even when there is unlimited money (which there isn't here), there isn't unlimited time and no one can be in two places at once.

There will always be someone missing out on what their siblings are doing, because life still carries on as normal for the rest of the family when some of the children are with their other bio parent.

I'm sure there is more the father could be doing, but they don't sound bad either. Someone can always find something to moan about when siblings are split three ways as is the case here.

As I've said already Edmund if his children had confided in their grandmother with any kind of issue or upset concerning our set up she would take great delight in telling us.

His ex is in a new relationship, and has had another two children with her new partner.

I think YABU about your 7m old.

Babies are hard fucking work. I would hate to babysit someone else's 7m old. I'm guessing the other kids are much older. Wait until your DD can walk, talk, and use a toilet before you decide whether MIL is excluding her. A baby that young has no idea who their grandma is anyway unless they are seeing them everyday. There just isn't the chance for a relationship between them yet.

It's a blended family. MIL probably wants to turn back the clock and it just be her DS and his own children she has to deal with.

But that's not real life, so she needs to get over herself.

The main thing is - how are all the children? Are they happy? Were they OK going on holiday with their DGM (your MIL) and not your DP and you? Do any of the children show signs of feeling pushed out? Do any of them show signs of wanting your DP on his own (his own 3 children that is?)

MIL's opinion on this is not really the main concern. OP suggest you concentrate on the children and their needs and if that seems all in order, just ignore MIL's opinion as much as possible.

Maybe you need to have a frank word to the tune of "Look. I know you would prefer if it was only DP and his original 3 children. But life hasn't turned out like that. Your DP and I have made choices that have given us responsibility for seven children between us, which we take very seriously, and a commitment to each other, which we also take very seriously. We would like it if you could be supportive of our life together, and all our children, but if you can't be supportive, can you at least keep your opinions to yourself as we want all the children to get on without any unnecessary divides. Imagine when they are all older. Being part of a family of 7 children to rely on, to help, to support each other. It's an amazing thing. Let's not try to spoil it for them."

Batteries are you for real?

So because she's only 7 months old she doesn't deserve a relationship with her GM?

But the other 3 grandchildren have had a relationship with her since they were tiny?
If the same rules had applied for them- ie. Her not taking them until they were much older then there would be no issue, but that isn't the case so yes I'm annoyed for my DDs sake.

Hmm, they may have not said anything directly, of asked her not to say anything. Of course, she could just be a nasty person, however it does read like she's very protective of her first three grandchildren. I'm just wondering if underneath all the nastiness, something could be worked on. Of course you don't have to deal with someone who's vile to you and your children, however I would see if there's anything that could be done differently for the sake of a more harmonious future. No, everything can't be 100% equal and fair in such a large family, and most of the time it's a case of 'muddling on together', but I think it would do no harm if once in a while he took time just to be with his children.

Batteries - its not just babysitting someone else's 7 month old though is it - its her own granddaughter!!!
OP - how are the children? Do they seem happy and content? Do they all get on together? Can they talk to you and DP if they have any problems?
If all the answers to these questions are YES then you are doing a grand job and your MIL should be ignored.

mummy sometimes I think there are people trawling posts looking to pick fights with OPs. Don't take them to heart.

Daisy

All the children are perfectly fine, more than happy and just normal children.
They all get on very well with no issues-jealousy etc which I know we are very lucky with as it can get tricky with stepbrothers and sisters having to share etc.

His children were not at all phased that we went on holiday- we made a concious effort not to talk about our holiday in front of his kids- so to be honest they probably didn't even realise we were away, as it didn't interfere with the day's my DP takes them.

I think the fundamental problem is that you and your MIL have very different ideas of what constitutes a "brilliant dad".

we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week

couple afternoons a week my children are at groups etc so he is at home alone with his 3 children

in my eyes the mother should be the one providing things like holidays etc

If this sums up your idea of a "brilliant dad" and your attitude towards how much both^ parents should be involved in their own childrens upbringing then it seems your DP has found the perfect partner.

Just avoid your MIL. I can't see why you or your children have much need to spend time with her anyway.

Edmund if I thought there was anything I could do to make things more civil or harmonious I would, but she's the type of person you can't reason with- unless you are agreeing with her she doesn't want to know.

ChicRock - OP said brilliant, not perfect.
Huge difference and I doubt if any of us are perfect!!!

Chic anyone could pick through certain sentences Iv wrote to make it look however they want it to. There's more to this story than just the sentences u have copied and pasted.

My partner is a brilliant dad and I can comment on that because I know him and I see him with his kids.

You don't so I'm afraid you aren't in a position to tell me whether he is a good dad or not.

Thanks for taking the time to comment though, it's much appreciated :)