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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to F off!

300 replies

mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 14:04

More like was I being unreasonable to tell MIL to fuck off.... kinda too late now as i've already done it.

Just about had enough and finally told her what I think of her.

Bit of a back story - Been with dh for 2 years, married for 9 months. MIL clearly has issues with me and prefers dh's exw.

I have been LC with MIL since our wedding day after she was rude and quite disrespectful. MIL pops in at the weekend to collect some tools the dh borrowed from her dh, she hasn't been to our house since xmas (she hasn't been invited). She took one look at our relatively new photo collage in the hall and commented that it was inappropriate as it might upset dh's dc. They were not allowed to come to our wedding, their mother prevented them from attending.

My dh replied that we wanted pics of our happy day up regardless and we weren't going to live our life like that - we have nothing to hide. She then commented that I should at least remove the pics of my children from the collage! One of my dc (age 16) was in the kitchen at the time and heard.

I went mental at her, she was the straw that broke the camels back. I asked her to leave / told her to fuck off and that she was not welcome in my house anymore and that I want nothing to do with her.

So thats it, I have now sworn with her. I don't have time patience for people like this in my life. AIBU? Over dramatic? Cutting my nose of to spite my face etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 09:45

I have nothing to feel guilty about Dragons. My dh's dc have been welcomed into my family by us all. People on here seem to forget I have my own dc to look after too.

Yes I am outspoken, but I am not mean or rude. I have never really had a fall out with anyone in my life, i'm pretty easy going.

And yes, I do realise it's a joint assest now. We are both finacnially independant really so i'm not precious. But it is not my place to make dh put pictures up if he isn't bothered about it. He only had one pic of his dc up in his old house. He already has more than that in our house.

And up until now Dragons, I have gone through life not telling people to fuck off! I've luckily never come across such bitter and rude people.

OP posts:
StillDrSethHazlittMD · 26/07/2016 09:47

It may not be your place to make your DH put pictures up of his DC. But I would you hope you feel it might be a nice thing to do for THEM and do it because YOU want to, regardless of your DH's lack of photos.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 09:48

Clearly no one on here thinks MIL is being unreasonable for not having any pics of 3 out of her 5 dgc (inch dh's 2) up in her house.....

And for the people who are saying we have no pics of dh's dc up, we have 3 up - which is already more than he used to have in his marital home apparently.

OP posts:
Mellowautumn · 26/07/2016 09:51

I agree op - your DH is 'responsible' for pictures of his kids and you sound as if as a family you are welcoming and trying to blend well.

Gazelda · 26/07/2016 09:51

OP, your MiL sounds awful, judgmental and outspoken. I don't blame you for being low contact. I'd personally not go so far as NC over a few issues, I'd let her know how she'd been rude and give her chance to prove herself worth having in your life. She has t been in your life for that long so it seems rather OTT to create family rifts that impact many people for potentially decades.

But please think again about whether she has a point regarding the photos. Not from her point of view, but from the perspective of your SC. see most precious post - I wasn't at my DF's wedding to my SM but my DSB was. It hurt. Photos of the happy day (in the hallway, ie visible the minute they step through the door) will be a reminder of their place on the periphery of their DF's family.

Maybe move the photos of your DC at the wedding into their rooms/your bedroom? I'm not saying you shouldn't have them up, just be a it sensitive to the sC. And make it a priority to have a balance of all the DC photos around the home?

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 09:52

StillDrSethHazlittMD - I do think its a nice thing to do and have suggested he do it, offered to buy frames etc, made him feel he could put pics up where he wanted. To be honest since we have moved in together / got married I have hardly seen his dc as he has been refused access for 2 blocks of 3 months. when he does see his dc we rarely spent time together due to work / my kids / him taking his dc to see wider family etc. I think I have spent a total of 12 days with them in a year!

OP posts:
Gazelda · 26/07/2016 09:53

most precious my previous.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 26/07/2016 09:56

No, she's wrong there, too.

littlerabbitface · 26/07/2016 09:58

YANBU.

You can have pictures of whatever and whoever you want in your house. It's none of mils business.

Also I don't think it's at all yours or dhs fault that his kids weren't at the wedding.

However you're a second wife so mumsnet will conclude that it is entirely your own fault and you broke up a happy family, and you deserve to be unhappy and put the ex wife's feelings in front of your own for the next however many years. Wink

How much are you betting that some posters are the first wife

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 10:02

Thanks littlerabbitface! I am also someone's first wife and i am not bitter and twisted and insist my exdh puts my feelings first! I get on with my exh and his dp. Maybe I am just not used to this level of conflict and immature behaviour. I guess I have been lucky with my dc / exdh / wider family.

OP posts:
OohMavis · 26/07/2016 10:13

But it's really not about you, what she said about the picture. It was about her grandchildren, your husband's children - and their feelings. I get that she was confrontational about it and she could have worded it better, but you're taking it too personally and frankly, making it all about you.

It doesn't matter why they weren't at the wedding, it won't matter to them why. They weren't. Put yourself into a small child's shoes and imagine just for a second how seeing those photos proudly displayed in your dad's New Family's home would make you feel. Included? Important? Thought of?

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 10:36

Ooh Mavis, I have been a child from a first marriage. I can't say I took much notice of my df's wedding pics (I didn't go to his wedding as it was abroad and I was only 4. However my df's new wifes son went - he was 15).

I'm not taking it personally - I don't feel she had any right to tell me we were being insensitive (we have not been deliberately insensitive) and that I should remove the pics of my dc. As i have previously explained, I had also been stewing about her overall general attitude and nasty comments to me since I have met her and her awful behaviour at our wedding and rude comments to my sister and her dp.

telling her to fuck off was an accumilation of all of this, not just about the photos.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 10:41

Anyway, dh and I have discussed and agreed that I don't really need to have anything to do with her anyway. He tries to have as little to do with her as possible as he knows what she is like. He will take his dc to see her and her dh at their house (as he usually does) on his eow. There won't be much need for cross over going forward.

OP posts:
A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 26/07/2016 10:47

She sounds awful but you sound worse and worse.

diddl · 26/07/2016 11:01

"I'm going to ignore all the people who have suggested we postponed the wedding."

But for your MIL this was at the heart of what she said.

She doesn't sound very nice in the way she speaks to people.

But that doesn't mean that you, your husband & his ex behaved well over the wedding!

LagunaBubbles · 26/07/2016 11:07

She sounds awful but you sound worse and worse

How? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 11:10

My MIL didn't want us getting married anyway. She said it was too soon and that it was ridiculous that people our age (40) would bother unless we were planning to have dc - then she ranted about how we should not start a family etc. She did not blame us for the dgc beign allowed to attend the wedding, nor did she suggest we postpone it when dh's exw withdrew access - in actual fact she though it was best they weren't there anyway as she commented that it would only be boring for them and stir things up with the ex.

of course when the actual wedding came she was as miserable as sin and sulked all the way through, was rude to my friends and family, had a go at my dh for not putting her on the top table (we didn't have a top table), refused to have her picture taken by the photographer, complained about the food and music, didn't even speak to me / congratulate me and dh / tell us we looked nice etc and didn't even write / send us a card.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/07/2016 11:12

Perhaps the biggest shame is that you bothered to invite her then.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 26/07/2016 11:13

She sounds worse because she's gotten tons of support, only small questions over the actual picture issue. Is reacting like a brat. Whining about non existent criticism. Avoiding real questions.

I stand by it: MIL sounds hideous. She sounds annoying. Feel sorry for DH.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 11:28

yes diddl, we both regretted her coming to the wedding. Dh was so upset and embarrassed by her attitude and behaviour. hence why we have both been LC since.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 11:35

Whining about non existent criticism?

My MIL criticised me the first time she met me, she told me I shouldn't work full time having 3 dc, that it clearly does't put them first. She criticised me being on good terms with my exh. She criticised my family (Dsis for being a 33 year old unmarried mum, nephew who has dance classes, my mum who recently bought a small house to do up as a rental property.... my step mums choice of clothing at our wedding).

She criticises my dh every time she sees him. I've never met such a moany miserable woman in my life.

OP posts:
Chris1234567890 · 26/07/2016 11:45

"Anyway, dh and I have discussed and agreed that I don't really need to have anything to do with her anyway. He tries to have as little to do with her as possible as he knows what she is like. He will take his dc to see her and her dh at their house (as he usually does) on his eow. There won't be much need for cross over going forward."

Well congratulations. Lets hope this all plays out as you wish it to. Im REALLY sympathising with DH now. God, only married a matter of weeks and hes instructed to split the family visitation already. Isnt christmas going to be fun! Did you get him to sign a pre nup as this is never going to end well?

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 11:58

Chris1234567890 - We have been married 9 months. He has not been instructed to do anything, he has been LC with his mum since the wedding through his choice. I'm not sure how he is splitting his family visits. He'll take his dc to see his family on his contact weekends - how is that split?

As for xmas, we'd already made plans for that - Xmas eve day we have to ourselves, eve my dc are with me. Xmas day me, dh and my dc are going to exh and his dp's house for dinner with them and her 2 dc and their family. Boxing day morning dh will spend some time with his dc, I am taking my dc to see my df and stepmum, afternoon he is taking them to his MIL's for time with his family, I am going to the panto with my dc, mum and step dad, sis and her dp and 2 nephews. But thanks for your concern, but dh and I feel this will be a great xmas and have no concerns.

OP posts:
DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 26/07/2016 13:24

Wow, be careful there. A few hours on Boxing Day, aren't they honoured. They obviously don't like the panto Hmm

So to summarise, a gran who cared enough about her son to express concerns over his children not being part of the household and her son getting married to fast and a new wife who sees her step children when she really really has too, swears at her MIL and gets the DH to cut contact to a minimum.

Philoslothy · 26/07/2016 13:31

Why can't all the children go to the pantomime together ? I appreciate that we are getting a snapshot but your husband's children do seem to be a lower priority, having to make do with crumbs from the table.

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