To tell MIL to F off!

[mrsbrightside3]

More like was I being unreasonable to tell MIL to fuck off.... kinda too late now as i've already done it.

Just about had enough and finally told her what I think of her.

Bit of a back story - Been with dh for 2 years, married for 9 months. MIL clearly has issues with me and prefers dh's exw.

I have been LC with MIL since our wedding day after she was rude and quite disrespectful. MIL pops in at the weekend to collect some tools the dh borrowed from her dh, she hasn't been to our house since xmas (she hasn't been invited). She took one look at our relatively new photo collage in the hall and commented that it was inappropriate as it might upset dh's dc. They were not allowed to come to our wedding, their mother prevented them from attending.

My dh replied that we wanted pics of our happy day up regardless and we weren't going to live our life like that - we have nothing to hide. She then commented that I should at least remove the pics of my children from the collage! One of my dc (age 16) was in the kitchen at the time and heard.

I went mental at her, she was the straw that broke the camels back. I asked her to leave / told her to fuck off and that she was not welcome in my house anymore and that I want nothing to do with her.

So thats it, I have now sworn with her. I don't have time patience for people like this in my life. AIBU? Over dramatic? Cutting my nose of to spite my face etc?

[mrsbrightside3]

Even if he had every other xmas, it would still not change the fact that he has limited contact that is broken regularly. In the windows of time he has them he is trying to keep a relationship with them as well as keeping them in contact with his mum and stepdad, his bro and his family (2 little girls() and his dad. Adding my family in the mix (my mum and her dp, dad and stepmum and my sis and her family) is just too much - there is not enough time to go around.

We all have to keep people happy in blended families. The truth is, its difficult not to have divided loyalties - even when people get on.
I have to make sure my dc get time with their dad and his mum as well as my family, which is now split into mum and her dp, dad and stepmum and now my dsis has her own family them too.

I cannot control what routine dh's dc have. I see my role as his wife is to support him with that.

[diddl]

"his mother would go absolutley ape shit and cause all sorts of issues. My dh just doesn't have the energy to stir crap up with him mum."

If his kids would have a better time being with you, & your family, maybe he needs to find the energy as they are more important than his mum!

[Shona52]

Don't think uabu as it is your home and she has to deal with the fact her DS has moved on and made a new life. Sounds like nothing you can do will make it any better

[Tess123]

Why don't you take some photos with his children, and add them to the collage?? They're young. I think they'd be happy enough with that?

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

I got my arse handed to me on a plate many years ago on an IL thread. Wrongly imo and in fact in dh's opinion. People were determined to paint the IL as being the loveliest person ever on the basis of nothing. Heigh ho. Learnt my lesson there.
If an adult insists on repeatedly acting like a dick then it shouldn't come as a surprise when they get called out for it.

[BennieHogan]

I'm all for dealing with things reasonably, but there is no dealing with things in that way with someone like her. Better you cut it off now in that manner or she would proceed to try to run your life as long as you are with her son. It sounds like your DH supports you ... Good for him!

[Overshoulderbolderholder]

But did you say what you really wanted to say? Does she understand the way she makes you feel and how exW manipulation access has hurt her DS AND DGC, or did she just hear a lot of F's and bluster? I would urge DH to have a heart to heart with HIS DM so that she fully understands how she and the EX have impacted on you, him and the DGC. When you are sure she is is possession of all the facts, together with the full knowledge of the hurt it's caused, then you both can sit back and await an apology , if it doesn't come then you've done the best you can by everyone. Some people do need it spelled out for them, better that than it just being left that you are the unreasonable or nasty one. Things can get so twisted away from the truth. By the way YANBU X

[complyorcry]

I am always a massive fan of telling the MIL to F off. Didn't even need to hear your reason. I personally think yhatnif you feel the need to say it to her it probably needs to be said!! Go you! X

[Shezza71]

Obviously a lot of history and the photo comment was the last straw.
Going forward when Dh has dc over make some special memories, days out with lots of photos. Maybe a fun photo shoot with all children involved. If xmas, Easter etc fall on wrong weekend have an early celebration aswell

[Unicorntrainer]

How dare that battle axe call you insensitive! I totally understand the straw and camel's back scenario. You are completely in the right to have lost it, maybe a little drastically.

Could I suggest (going through family hell atm) that at some point in the future you go and visit her. Plan ahead what you are going to say. Lay things on the line and what your expectations of her are. She is your DH's dm, Harmony would be lovely. Explain to her that it is your way or the highway. Your DH is probably her only route of contact with her dgc. She is clearly old school who believes that people should be married before they have dcs, and you have made your bed, you lie in it and people just don't get divorced. Give her the option, the chance to join the family on your terms. She is a sad confused lady who is in danger of losing everything dear to her. If she doesn't bite, tell her she had her chance and she should do one again! Congratulations on your marriage, I wish you every happiness xx

[GladGran]

Just wish I had had the courage to tell my MIL to F off! She's been dead for years (I am over 65) but she still haunts me, bloody woman! You are well rid!

[Loopy567]

I don't like my soon to be ex MIL but then she did threaten to kill me recently. (To be fair I didn't like her much before). She lives a hundred miles away so not a realistic threat but still very unpleasant. She likes / tries to control her sons. We have very different personalities - essentially she is extraverted, I am quiet. She also offered to send soon to be ex on a mini break with OW. Not sure how they could manage that as she still has a husband and young child to consider. I have never measured up but then not sure who will. OW is very welcome to her. I would love to be a fly on the wall when the OW upsets her darling son!

[Loopy567]

Should add I wish I was more outgoing - circumstances of childhood for not being so. Also wish I had stood up to MIL more - but then would have needed to be more outgoing!!

[Simpsonsaddict]

This thread is seriously out of control, I've never read anything like it. OP, I'm sorry that people on here are being so horrible to you, whether they agree with you or not they shouldn't be being so personal.

[monstiebags]

So many children living in this instability

[Insabbathstheatre]

From all your posts you seem a well rounded intelligent person and I don't blame you for telling MIL to F off! Congratulations on your marriage and for doing such a great job with your family - only sorry your DHs ex is so unreasonable but it will pass 💐

[Roussette]

I am always a massive fan of telling the MIL to F off. Didn't even need to hear your reason. I personally think yhatnif you feel the need to say it to her it probably needs to be said!! Go you! X

I hope you don't become a MIL one day then or that might be your DIL/SIL saying that to you then....

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

OP, stop justifying Christmas. It's got fuck all to do with MNetters who seem to feel step mums have to do all the bending over backwards constantly to suit everyone else. Your post was about your vile MILs comments, YANBU about those, anything else is your business and does not need justifying.

[conkerpods]

OP you sound very supportive of your DH,the MIL sounds awful. I'm not surprised you told her to Fcuk off.

[Marysunshine]

Solution, on behalf the DH's children is to add their pictures to the collage - regardless of whether they were at the wedding or not. The children did not take the decision not to attend - so add them in there 'in spirit'. They are too young to even notice right now - but will appreciate it in the future.

Clever dicks could photo shoot them in, and keep those pics for future reference when the are old enough to 'get it'

[Grittyshunts]

mrsbrightside YWNBU mil sounds like a right old meanie as does the ex! Ignore the haters on MN and think you WNBU to tell them to eff off! Well done for not doing that

[2nds]

Here's another idea, have a party for the kids when he has them, it doesn't have to be expensive, have someone take pictures and put another collage up on the wall.

[BeverlyHills90210]

YA soooo NBU. I am sure we are talking about the same MIL as yours sounds exactly like mine. Ultimately she was one of the main reasons I left my DP as he very rarely stood up to her. People like that poison your life if you don't deal with it.

(My first every MN post, as this post really struck a chord with me).

[mrsbrightside3]

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone.

R.e the collage, I can't even alter it, its a canvas one that was done by a friend (who was our wedding photographer). IMO it is not offensive. It was otwo pics of dh and I, one of ds1 and I (he gave me away), one of all my bridesmaids (my daughter was one of them), a couple of arty ones of the venue and one of my ds2 with my sisters 2 boys. only two of them are 'posed', the rest aer natural arty ones. I don't think they are rub in your face family shots. Dh said last night that he wouldn't be surprised if MIL was more peed off she didn't feature in any of the pics....

We already have a pic of dh's eldest dc (school pic) in the hall. I am not object to putting anymore up as I have said before, but dh isn't really a 'photo' person, so I have left that up to him.

I don;t know why i am being painted as a wicked stepmother. FFS, we do have photo's of dh's children up. And just because I have a busy life that prevents me being stuck to dh's hip all the time (including when he has his dc) that doesn not mean I don't care about his children.

Sounds like I am not alone with the MIL from hell. Some of the PP's on here sound like you have been through hell. I think thats why I have decided to go NC, best nip in in the bud now.

To the PP who suggested I / dh explain why I kicked off, thank you - I talked this through with dh last night and he has replied to her ranty email from Monday (telling him he should leave me and at the very least I should sell my house and we should buy one together so it feels more like dgc home and so she is more welcome!) to explain to her why we got upset and my position. Awaiting a reply...