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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to F off!

300 replies

mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 14:04

More like was I being unreasonable to tell MIL to fuck off.... kinda too late now as i've already done it.

Just about had enough and finally told her what I think of her.

Bit of a back story - Been with dh for 2 years, married for 9 months. MIL clearly has issues with me and prefers dh's exw.

I have been LC with MIL since our wedding day after she was rude and quite disrespectful. MIL pops in at the weekend to collect some tools the dh borrowed from her dh, she hasn't been to our house since xmas (she hasn't been invited). She took one look at our relatively new photo collage in the hall and commented that it was inappropriate as it might upset dh's dc. They were not allowed to come to our wedding, their mother prevented them from attending.

My dh replied that we wanted pics of our happy day up regardless and we weren't going to live our life like that - we have nothing to hide. She then commented that I should at least remove the pics of my children from the collage! One of my dc (age 16) was in the kitchen at the time and heard.

I went mental at her, she was the straw that broke the camels back. I asked her to leave / told her to fuck off and that she was not welcome in my house anymore and that I want nothing to do with her.

So thats it, I have now sworn with her. I don't have time patience for people like this in my life. AIBU? Over dramatic? Cutting my nose of to spite my face etc?

OP posts:
Scaredycat3000 · 25/07/2016 18:59

Took me 18 years to snap at MIL. 18 years of every conceivable way to make it work. But I'm always the one left trying to deal with the mayhem she has created. Then OH was rushed to hospital, severe infection, she insisted on 'coming to help' before he had even arrived at hospital, my gut said no, my conscience said yes. Even when her eldest child was in hospital leaving two young DC at home she still put herself first. Gloves are fuckin' off now. Wish I'd done it years ago. I've yet to tell her to fuck off, but I tell her no uncertain terms that if she ever pulls the latest shit again what will happen. She's a tad nervous of me now.
OP well done, being polite to narcs I've learnt doesn't work! You get two marks on MN bingo, 2ed wife and nasty MIL, double dose of you must be lying.

Janecc · 25/07/2016 18:59

Cats. I thought he was separated for 9 months before he met op.

ladylambkin · 25/07/2016 19:08

Op yanbu..well done for sticking up for yourself.

Some very unpleasant people posting here and you aren't one of them Flowers

Mycraneisfixed · 25/07/2016 19:12

YANBU. Sounds like it was a long time coming! She probably relied on you not exploding so she could have digs at you but clearly enough is enough.
it's your house and you can put up whatever pics you want. Of course you want your wedding photos on dismay.
The kids who weren't allowed to go to the wedding will be upset with their DM as it was her decision not their DF's.
MIL may be worried she'll lose contact with her DGC but that's her problem not yours.
Have some WineSmile

NellyMelly · 25/07/2016 19:17

You did the right thing. She was in your house and complaining about your family being in your family photos. I hope she will apologise. I doubt she will though. I bet the exW wasn't like a daughter to her. You did well to stand up for your family in your own home. I would say to avoid her and be free of her petty small minded comments.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/07/2016 19:30

Sounds to me like the EA ExW and Controlling MiL are cut from the same cloth.

redexpat · 25/07/2016 19:36

YANBU. She insulted you but dressed it up as concern for her gdc. Did she know that the exw wouldnt swap weekends?

Thinking about your step dc now. I know you said that dh keeps pics on them on his laptop. Would you be willing to get some taken of all of you? I would find some sort of activity where everyone is included, so that way theres shared experiences. We had a picture of us all on the log flume at alton towers when I was a kid.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/07/2016 19:36

Why didn't you move the wedding a week so it was on his access weekend?

Heatherplant · 25/07/2016 19:38

You fell right into the trap there, people like that pick and pick until someone explodes then they play the victim. Bet it felt good though!

SeaEagleFeather · 25/07/2016 19:58

Why didn't you move the wedding a week so it was on his access weekend?

wow, where do you live that you can move weddings so easily?

Goingtobeawesome · 25/07/2016 20:04

I read it that the wedding was booked long in advance and it was no way a question to blame the OP. I was merely interested in the reason.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/07/2016 20:12

I've completley misread / remembered incorrectly.

SeaEagleFeather · 25/07/2016 20:17

ah, okay. I just found it a bit startling!

Becky546 · 25/07/2016 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FantasticButtocks · 25/07/2016 20:19

How do you feel about your reaction? I wondered if maybe you feel like you let yourself down by losing your temper and wished you handled it differently? I'm only guessing that if you felt 100% about it, you wouldn't have started this thread. Often we wish we had done things differently when we look back, 'if only I'd said or thought of this' Your mil sounds rude and unpleasant in the way she doesn't hold back telling people her opinions; do you wish you'd been able to deal with her calmly and politely, and thus making all her hot headed stuff look even more ridiculous, rather than joining in with the rudeness/unpleasantness? What did your DS think when he heard you swear at her? I definitely think you were right to stand up to her, just wondering if you regret/mind the way you did.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 25/07/2016 20:21

Personally I wouldn't get married without my children being there, they are the most important people in my life and I couldn't imagine going through it without them. Maybe men are different.

Gazelda · 25/07/2016 20:37

I was 5 when my DF married my SM. My DSB was 6. He was at the wedding, I wasn't. Its irrelevant to me why I wasn't there, but it bloody hurts. If I saw wedding photos including everyone but me every time I went to DF's home, it'd be crushing. Especially if DSB lived with them and I didn't.

In this instance OP I'm afraid I think YWBU. Maybe MIL was trying to stand up for her GK when no-one else seems to be putting them first.

However, I do acknowledge that it's hard and thankless work being a SM and her criticism must feel cutting. If you don't want to spend time with her, I don't blame you one bit.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 25/07/2016 20:49

My husband was 8 when his mum married his SD, every other family member was there. He still doesn't understand why. It's pretty hurtful, even with the best of reasons. Your MIL may not have gone about it the right way but I can see her point, I also think she touched a nerve which is why you kicked off. His kids lost out on what would have been such an exciting event for them.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 25/07/2016 21:10

YANBU. How many times do we see threads about interfering and overbearing relatives sticking their noses in where it isn't wanted, well good one of them has been called up on it.

I remember that other thread too. If it was this MIL I'm pretty sure she got a hard time on there and came across as very whiny and me me me. She didn't like the fact that her DS wanted to spend time with his own children without her being there too. She had an awful attitude to her DIL and really looked down on her having a life and working.

Careforadrink · 26/07/2016 02:08

Personally I think yabu. I think mil has a bit of a point.

I could never get married without my children there

Yes the ex withheld access but the marriage sounded pretty rushed. But regardless it's not about the ex. The kids feelings should be paramount. And it doesn't seem to me that that is the case for either side.

2nds · 26/07/2016 02:23

If your husband gave a shit about his own kids he'd have postponed the wedding until such a time when his kids could be there. No offence OP but to me this is a red flag.

user1465876185 · 26/07/2016 02:59

I don't think your MIL was accusing you of trying to make the children upset, rather (as they are her little grandchildren so I understand she would stick up for them) they would be upset at being held back from the wedding and the photos would be a reminder. The Court could have (if asked) appointed your wedding day as a special occasion for access to them to attend. I wonder why (or if) your husband with your encouragement try to attend to this. In the meanwhile I think you could have handled this situation a lot better, she was thinking not for herself, but for the best interests for kids who have already been put through the works by their parents.

SianSteans · 26/07/2016 03:42

Yeah I just think good on you for telling her to do one. Life is too short for seething on the inside about people who really just ought to be told to fuck off. As an aside I think it would be lovely if you could have a small party for your husbands kids and you own, even just a BBQ or something like jelly and ice cream kids party style at home and call it a wedding blessing party or something. Just an excuse to buy a special outfit for the little ones and take some group pictures of your blended family. They're 4 & 6 so won't know too much about weddings and it might make up for them being forced to miss yours.

Rockelburger · 26/07/2016 03:50

At least he is on your side. I wouldn't worry about it. Sounds like a blessing in disguise as she'll now feel too awkward to come back.

Bloody cheek anyway, of course you want pictures of your wedding day in your own house.

MidniteScribbler · 26/07/2016 03:55

MiL sounds like a bitch.

But, is there a grain of truth in her concerns for her grandchildren, however poorly expressed? Your DH has moved in to your home (which you seem to keep reminding people is yours, and not his), surrounded by your belongings, and in the place that is home to your children. Has anything been done to show them that they have a place there? Is there a bedroom set up for them, have you helped them decorate it and made it their own?

You can have as many, and whatever type of photos you want on display, but I wonder if it may have been a little more sensitive to put up a photo wall of all the family (still including the wedding ones, but also adding some of his children, or all of the children together). Perhaps a nice thing to do would be to go and get some new family shots done on one of his contact days and display that proudly among the shots as well so that his children don't feel like they are merely visiting another person's home, but that it is also their home.

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