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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell MIL to F off!

300 replies

mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 14:04

More like was I being unreasonable to tell MIL to fuck off.... kinda too late now as i've already done it.

Just about had enough and finally told her what I think of her.

Bit of a back story - Been with dh for 2 years, married for 9 months. MIL clearly has issues with me and prefers dh's exw.

I have been LC with MIL since our wedding day after she was rude and quite disrespectful. MIL pops in at the weekend to collect some tools the dh borrowed from her dh, she hasn't been to our house since xmas (she hasn't been invited). She took one look at our relatively new photo collage in the hall and commented that it was inappropriate as it might upset dh's dc. They were not allowed to come to our wedding, their mother prevented them from attending.

My dh replied that we wanted pics of our happy day up regardless and we weren't going to live our life like that - we have nothing to hide. She then commented that I should at least remove the pics of my children from the collage! One of my dc (age 16) was in the kitchen at the time and heard.

I went mental at her, she was the straw that broke the camels back. I asked her to leave / told her to fuck off and that she was not welcome in my house anymore and that I want nothing to do with her.

So thats it, I have now sworn with her. I don't have time patience for people like this in my life. AIBU? Over dramatic? Cutting my nose of to spite my face etc?

OP posts:

Mouikey · 25/07/2016 14:33

Sounds to me like she has been picking, picking and picking, hoping for something like this. She probably didn't realise that you wouldn't just keep your mouth closed and let her keep on. You've stood up to her and good on you. This also happened in front of your DH which is a good thing so she cannot manipulate the situation in her favour.

I promise you she will forget what actually happened and you will be made out to be the evil one... don't worry about it, often the rest of the family are aware of these people but won't stand up to them.

Good on you, and don't spend your life giving it a second thought xxx

TheWernethWife · 25/07/2016 14:34

If the children are upset by seeing a collage of their fathers wedding, where they were prevented from attending, then they should be told to speak to their mother about it. Not the OP and her DH fault, why should they hide their wedding away just because of a bitchy ex wife. OP, I would have told MIL to F Off as well, coming into your home and criticizing.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/07/2016 14:35

I'm inclined to think that you may have over-reacted a touch, but with extreme provocation so not surprisingly really! Basically she's just told you that her grandchildren from her DS's previous marriage are more important than your own child(ren) and if they couldn't be in the wedding photos (through the machinations of his own ex) then neither should yours. Bollocks.

It's very sad that your DH's children weren't able to come to your wedding, and rather petty - but hopefully they'll come to realise that it's not their Dad's fault they were excluded, but their own mother's.

However - if you want to balance things up - it would be nice if there could be a couple of pics of his children up on the hall wall as well.

In the meantime, so long as your DH is ok with what happened, then I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Original poster

mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 14:36

I'm not sure how dh sounds non fussed about his kids...... he has spent 6k over the years fighting for access.

He had been separated for 3 years when we married. Him wanting to marry me was what spurred him to get his divorce finalised.

We had already booked the venue in June last year - then his exw refused him access. He went 3 months not seeing his dc and took her to court for access. The eow was granted in court and the start date ordered by the judge.

OP posts:

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 25/07/2016 14:38

Blindsider Actually it is quite easy to think like that if you're on the receiving end. My mum looks after a friend's child while she is at work. This child calls my mum and dad "gran and gramp" even though he has his own grandparents on both sides. My parents have taken this child on holiday with them.

I am their son. Only child. There are TWO photos of me in their house compared with 38 of him. We never went on holiday when I was a child because they wouldn't put the dog in kennels. They never played games with me, I was foisted off on my lovely Nan. Yet they play games all the time with this child who isn't even a relative.

It fucking hurts, even though I am a grown man. So, yes, I can quite believe this man's children might well feel left out if there are family photos that exclude them but there are family photos including their new stepsiblings.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 25/07/2016 14:38

If his ExW wasn't such a bitter woman her kids would have been in the photo. Stopping her kids going to their fathers wedding is just pathetic controlling behaviour which is not putting her kids welfare first.

I never said otherwise

I never said op was wrong to have the pictures up.

I said that I see why it would be upsetting for the dc and it could have been handled better with the MIL.

emilythomson313 · 25/07/2016 14:39

I'm with you. YANBU! I had the same issues with my MIL. She was extremely annoying and was constantly comparing me to DH's exW. Happily for me, we moved from Edinburgh to London (because of DHs new job), and I don't have to deal with her shit anymore.

TrappedNerve · 25/07/2016 14:40

I once told my mil to "fuck off out of my house" when she got involved in an argument between me and dp, I was mortified to be honest and apologised the next day but felt really good at the time!
I am normally so nice but that night ( no alcohol involved ) I had enough and spoke my mind. She's never liked me much but we get on ok

pigsDOfly · 25/07/2016 14:41

Agree with Elsa: happy family event involving your DH, everyone there but his own DCs. Hard for his DCs to see even if it's not what he wanted.

True it isn't any of her business what you put on the walls in your house and you might have some satisfaction in standing up to her, particularly if there is a backstory, but it would perhaps been have wiser to have done it with more control and dignity, talking to her in a measured grown up manner rather than, as you say, going mental at her and telling her to fuck off, for what was, after all, a pretty innocuous remark.

You've lost the moral high ground now and she'll no doubt be feeling pretty smug and fully justified in slagging you off to anyone who'll listen.

Original poster

mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 14:43

She called dh last night and he didn't answer - he just didn't want the rant he knew he was going to get.

She has emailed him today saying how upset she is and how mean and selfish I am and how I only care about my own children and not his and how I need to stop calling my house 'my house' as its as much his and his dc house than me and my dh. The tone of the email was very 'them and us'. I don't like how encamped she is being / making me feel.

The truth is, the house is my house - yes we are married so whats mine is my dh's etc, but I paid my house outright 7 years ago after me and my exh sold our business. I worked / work damn hard for this house! I have lots of pictures of my children up, it's their home - I don't see why I should take them down now I am remarried.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 25/07/2016 14:44

To be honest I see where she is coming from, a happy and important family day displayed in your hallway with some of the family not there is a bit upsetting and will make them feel left out

Well its hardly the OPs or her DHs fault. But this is MN, there will always be people on the side of the ex no matter what.

dustarr73 · 25/07/2016 14:45

The only reason his dc were not at his wedding is because of the bitter ex wife.Not op or her husband.She can have the entire collection of the Karma Sutra on the wall.Its nobody elses business.

You where right to tell her to f off,there is only so much you can take.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 25/07/2016 14:45

Yes it's all the ex wife's fault, how dare she be bitter after being left with a one year old and three year old whilst her ex moves straight on and marries another women and plays happy families with his step children

She shouldn't have excluded the chikdren but their dad did the same going ahead knowing they weren't going to be there. He could have easily delayed it.

OnionKnight · 25/07/2016 14:46

YANBU at all, hell if that had been my mum I would have frog marched her out of the house.

It's not yours or your DH's fault that the ex wife wouldn't swap weekends and it's up to you with what pictures you have up, your MIL can take a running jump.

TattyCat · 25/07/2016 14:46

This is precisely why I never have any photos up in my house. DP isn't fussed for them either, which is handy

In my experience, they've always caused nothing but trouble, unless they're in sepia and the subjects are long gone!

Original poster

mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 14:47

I just want to add that the wedding photos are not big family group pics i.e me dh and my dc playing happy families....

My eldest gave me away, so there is a pic of us about to walk in. A pic of all my bridesmaids (dd was one of 4 bridesmaids) and a really arty black and white picture of my other son with my two nephews.

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 25/07/2016 14:48

She shouldn't have excluded the chikdren but their dad did the same going ahead knowing they weren't going to be there. He could have easily delayed it.

What planet are you on? Delaying it just weeks beforehand would have caused chaos and would probably have cost a few quid.

TattyCat · 25/07/2016 14:48

What a massive assumption! How do you know the state of Op's DH's previous marriage? Do you know her? They'd been split up for 3 years!!

QueenofallIsee · 25/07/2016 14:48

I very much hope that your DH tells her that it is a) none of her business b) that he is perfectly satisfied that you value his children c) that he values his children d) she is not welcome in the marital home. Seriously OP, give this limited head space now. maybe the swearing is not your finest 10mins but she is trying to drive a wedge, is clearly over invested in your marriage and your husbands role as a father and needs to back off.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 25/07/2016 14:49

Its a shame you didn't handle it better as she can always hold that against you now. However it sounds like you don't like her because you have been "LC" ever since you got married. What did she say at your wedding? I hate this word "disrespectful" it is so vague. Anyway, it doesn't sound like a happy day at all, how could it be in those circumstances?

TattyCat · 25/07/2016 14:50

And, yes, it IS the ex-wife's fault for refusing to let the children attend their father's wedding. It's petty, as simple as that. She was unable to uncouple her own feelings for the sake of her children in this instance.

Corialanusburt · 25/07/2016 14:50

YANBU simply on the basis that she walked into your house and made critical comments about it. That's enough without the back story.
You wouldn't do that to her in a million years would you? What is it with these MILs thinking that they have a right to do and say what they wish and to hell with the consequences?
I don't think MIL bashing for the sake of it is on, but there seem to be a lot of women of a certain culture and a certain age who just do t know how to behave.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 25/07/2016 14:52

Not only had they been separated for three years when he remarried, but the split was because the exW was EA.

Never mind, don't let the facts get in the way of a good sideswipe at the OP.

Original poster

mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 14:53

Dragons Eggs.... Why should we have delayed our wedding because his exw was being unreasonable? We didn't want to delay our wedding and we do not want to give in to bullies. We had already paid for the wedding before his exw withdrew access anyway. Why should we put our lives on hold because of his exw? They had been separated 3 years!

I know I have lost the moral high ground, but I don't really care. She can slag me off to whoever, she only really talks to her husband anyway. I have never even met one of dh's brothers and his wife as they live in NZ.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 25/07/2016 14:53

She shouldn't have excluded the chikdren but their dad did the same going ahead knowing they weren't going to be there. He could have easily delayed it.

And to illustrate the point that I said there will ALWAYS be someone on the exs side, no matter what, along comes this cracker. DragonsEggsAreAllMine theyve been split for 3 years, has no -one - man or woman - that is separated ever to have a relationship again? Delay the wedding? For how long? Forever? Never heard anything so mad.

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