To tell MIL to F off!

[mrsbrightside3]

More like was I being unreasonable to tell MIL to fuck off.... kinda too late now as i've already done it.

Just about had enough and finally told her what I think of her.

Bit of a back story - Been with dh for 2 years, married for 9 months. MIL clearly has issues with me and prefers dh's exw.

I have been LC with MIL since our wedding day after she was rude and quite disrespectful. MIL pops in at the weekend to collect some tools the dh borrowed from her dh, she hasn't been to our house since xmas (she hasn't been invited). She took one look at our relatively new photo collage in the hall and commented that it was inappropriate as it might upset dh's dc. They were not allowed to come to our wedding, their mother prevented them from attending.

My dh replied that we wanted pics of our happy day up regardless and we weren't going to live our life like that - we have nothing to hide. She then commented that I should at least remove the pics of my children from the collage! One of my dc (age 16) was in the kitchen at the time and heard.

I went mental at her, she was the straw that broke the camels back. I asked her to leave / told her to fuck off and that she was not welcome in my house anymore and that I want nothing to do with her.

So thats it, I have now sworn with her. I don't have time patience for people like this in my life. AIBU? Over dramatic? Cutting my nose of to spite my face etc?

No you're not. Pour yourself a and congratulate yourself. Good riddance to bad rubbish and guilt trips etc. It's not your doing that the ex is spiteful, but yet as a stepmother it will be portrayed that way. It's the most thankless job in the world and if someone wants to make it worse, get rid.

I have no idea why people think my dh has been forced into anything. Clearly these people are projecting their own relationships. Dh a court ordered child arrangements order which gives him eow (fri eve through to sun 11am). Plus One full week in the summer hols plus Boxing day in addition. That is it.

His ex will not give him anymore and that is what a judge has given.

Yes, his dc would love to come to the panto, and me and dh would rather taken them along and spend the day together, however, as this is the only day over xmas he gets to see his dc he has to factor in his mum and dad (who are divorced so seperate trips) and his dbro and his family.

Philoslothy - yes, I agree, all my dh has of his dc is crumbs. Thats all his exw has given him (and she breaks the contact arrangement when she likes anyway.

So for Christmas, your DH's children will be allowed for a few hours on Boxing Day morning, but you're not even planning to be there.

Why can't you plan things as a whole family? If he has his children from Boxing Day, then can't you plan activities that all of you will do together as a family? Why is there such segregation between the two families?

They could have easily seen extended family the full weekend he has them of the two week Christmas break leaving them free to join the "family for the panto. Suspect this would ruin the OPs plans though, can't have the pesky step children tagging along.

That's very little contact from the courts especially considering the ex was accused of abuse. It's usually EOW, every other christmas and half the holidays as a bare minimum. Suspect it suits though as the two families appear to be kept separate.

I am choosing to see my df and dsm on Boxing day morning. I only see them a few times of year and my dc deserve to see their family too. I can't believe people are suggesting that my own parents miss out on seeing their dgc... how odd.

Oh and Dragons - its clear you have little knowledge on the legal system or child access arrangements, or that you can read properly. My dh left his exw because quite simply he didn't love her anymore and she was EA. the terms of his divorce have no bearing on child access arrangements. thats all in the hands of CAFCASS and the courts. This is what has been agreed.

Wow, scheduled already.........and not to mention that even your exh only gets to see his kids at christmas, as long as ex wife and new husband comes too?
His wife must be thrilled. She gets to serve husbands ex wife with christmas dinner. Really??? !!!! I dont care how well you get on, thats just taking the piss. What on earth gives you the right to be sat at their christmas table with her family?
Take responsibility for your new blended family. Most normal step- households will be having christmas day 2 on boxing day, so ALL the children get double the treats and santa comes twice.

Im just not surprised youre really looking forward to it. Youve now swerved the inlaws, youve swerved the step children and youve managed to avoid the cooker for the 2 main days. Wow, just wow.

and not to mention that even your exh only gets to see his kids at christmas, as long as ex wife and new husband comes too? - My exh has the dc all day xmas eve, I have them all day boxing day and we share xmas day, thats how its been since we separated 6 years ago. It works for us. Last year i cooked xmas dinner for him and his dp and his mum.

What on earth gives you the right to be sat at their christmas table with her family? - Er because she invited me.

Most normal step- households will be having christmas day 2 on boxing day, so ALL the children get double the treats and santa comes twice. - both sets of dc will get two xmas's. My dc will spend xmas day with their mum and dad, and exh's mum and then boxing day with my wider family. Dh's dc will spend xmas day with them mum and wider family and boxing day with their dad and wider family.

i have no idea why i am getting slated for this. My dh has a set child arrangements order (that his exw breaks half the time anyway). I am divorced so have to split my time with my dc. My parents are divorced as are dh's so there is different sets of people to spend time with over xmas.

Oh and Chris, I won't be swerving the cooker for 2 days I am doing a big dinner for friends on xmas eve and will be helping cooking Boxing day dinner at my sisters.

And before people slate me for not letting my exh see his children (I presume this is coming next) we have 50/50 contact, we live 2 roads apart and the dc come and go as they pleased. Its relaxed and suits us both. We get on, our partners get on, our wider families get on, no issues.

Jesus, this MN is hard work. Lots of bitter and judgemental people out there!

and my dc deserve to see their family too. I can't believe people are suggesting that my own parents miss out on seeing their dgc... how odd.

What about your new step children? Don't they deserve to be part of the family too? They are now step grandchilden to your parents, so why can't they come along? I could never imagine excluding step children from any celebrations, they are part of the family now.

Some of the nonsense that's been posted on this thread is insane!

I'm a child of a blended family. We get on just fine. Sometimes not EVERYONE can be included for every outing, meal, event etc.. It happens, there are lost of compromises to be made. There are many grandparents, extended family and loved ones to fit in to birthdays and Christmas. That's life. We all still love each other the same regardless.

I'm in my 30s and we have Christmas dinner similar to your arrangement with your exH. My DF and DM have always got on. No drama, it didn't work out, they parted ways, they co parented. I'm forever grateful for that. It's not ridiculous or unbelievable. It happens.

They are now step grandchilden to your parents, so why can't they come along? I could never imagine excluding step children from any celebrations, they are part of the family now.

• Because if dh were to bring his dc along to see my family on boxing day (which I wosh he would as they woudl have a much nicer time at the panto and playing with my nephews) his mother would go absolutley ape shit and cause all sorts of issues. My dh just doesn't have the energy to stir crap up with him mum.

YANBU and I can't believe there are that many posters saying otherwise.

Your MIL sounds like an interfering nightmare - your photos, family and marriage are none of her business.

FWIW I only have one photo of my DC because I'm not massively into them, like your DH.

Maybe telling her to eff off wasn't the best way of handling her but by the sounds of things she needed to be put in her place one way or another.

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with the blending of families, especially given DH's ex won't play ball! There are some really unpleasant people on this thread who are going to take issue and pick apart every single thing you do and say - because they have issues

Because if dh were to bring his dc along to see my family on boxing day (which I wosh he would as they woudl have a much nicer time at the panto and playing with my nephews) his mother would go absolutley ape shit and cause all sorts of issues. My dh just doesn't have the energy to stir crap up with him mum.

But by your schedule, this is time that your DH will have his children. So why do they have to go off elsewhere, instead of being part of your family?

Quite frankly, a man who doesn't "have the energy" to fight for his rights to see his own children is a pretty pathetic man. He can't be bothered to fight for his rights to see his own children, he can't be bothered to make sure that his children feel at home in the new wife's house and put up some photos. He is willing to move in to his new wife's house and not contribute. Screams cocklodger to me.

'He is willing to move in to his new wife's house and not contribute. Screams cocklodger to me'.

Hahaha i'm going to tell him this :) My dh earns a good salary and pays all our household bills (I pay for food), and half of our entertaining / social / holiday time - actually he probably spends more than me as he is very generous.

Oh and guess what, he also pays his exw £500 a month maintenance too (i'm surprised he hasn't been accused of not paying for his kids yet).

Imagine if he did tell his dm to get lost and tell his family that they wouldn't be seeing his dc over xmas as he was taking them round his dw's families - he would get so slated for abandoning his family.

What is the obsession with bloody photos? The op's SDC's have there own room and have always been welcome. How many 4 year olds do you think give a flying fuck if their picture is on a wall?!

OP, happy to apologise when Ive been out of turn. Ive been massively out of turn re xmas and your ex. Please accept my apols. Sounds like an awesome arrangement actually, the xmas eve/boxing day and rota'd xmas day. Massive apols.

Back to MIL....still think youve handled it badly, she has a valid point re the dgcs being 'excluded'...but I think Ive flogged you over the head with that one too.

Thank you to all those who have made positive comments. Blended families are hard. My parents are divorced and remarried, as am I, its hard work but we all get on. I am no stranger to this and I know it takes time and compromise. I'm not afraid of hard work, but I won't tolerate nastiness in my life. Not one of the nasty posters on this thread have acknowledged that my ds heard MIL's comments about removing photo's of my dc! They are part of a new blended family too - I would hate them to think I took photos of them down just to please my MIL - who they don't even really know, let alone tell them its because i care more what dh's dc think.

As it was my ds (age 16), didn't bat an eyelid and told me afterwards that she was a 'dick' and not to worry about it :)

Backing you up all the way OP! You sound like you are doing an amazing job with your exdh and his family/dp. I come from a blended family where my parents refused to speak and we were handed over in a car park every weekend.

I find it hilarious that it seems most on mn just can't get to grips that ex's can actually be friends, coparent and even sit around a table together with the family they have created. Adults being civil to each other and even becoming good friends? OH THE HORROR!!!

Me and my exh have worked hard to coparent. The first 2 years was tough, but now its the norm. We share xmas and birthdays and special events and days out. We all get on and consider ourselves family still. yes there are still situations we don't agree on, but we just talk it out and be grown ups. Our dc are teenagers now anyway.

I guess I have been naive to expect the same from dh's family and exw.

I admit I have no time for people like MIL. And to be honest my dh only has contact with her for the sake of his dc and wider family.

I know I was a little OTT, but its harsh that I am accused of not caring about dh's dc. Me and my dc and my family have welcomed them into our life and home. i don't spend every waking hour with them when dh has them (when he is allowed to have them more like) as I usually have one of my dc to run somewhere / drop off, errands to run (I work long hours full time and often from home at the weekend too if if i've taken time out in the midweek) as well as my own family and friends to catch up with.

Is reacting like a brat. Whining about non existent criticism

What are you on about?

Some of the responses here are now just getting ridiculous, some posters are so desperate to be on the ex's side. OP you will never win with some people, they are so wrapped up in their own bitterness about ex partners and children.

There s a whole lot of projection on this thread.

The OP's isn't your ExDH and the OP isn't your Ex's new wife.

I think it sounds like you've planned your Christmas with almost military precision to include everyone as much as possible with minimum pissing-off-the-unreasonable-ones!

It's not unheard of for divorced parents to still get on; it's not unheard of for divorced parents new partners to get on with the other's ex, either. In fact it makes it much nicer for all the children involved (well and the parents too, of course).

I have an older friend who had an abusive marriage; she divorced him years ago when her children were tiny. But as they got older and their father became more of a pathetic drunkard, she started to feel sorry for him, so they would have Christmas together - she and her new partner, the children and the ex. That took some doing! But she did it for her children.

The fly in the ointment in the OP's arrangement is her current DH's exW. And I agree (although it's barely relevant) that the exW would have prevented her DC from coming to the wedding whenever it was. Of course, the OP and her now-DH could have planned the subterfuge way; but imagine the fall out once the exW got to hear about it!! And she would have - children that small aren't particularly good at keeping secrets from their parents.
I have a lot of friends - but once again, one who is relevant to this - good friend of mine got married to a man whose DC weren't allowed to come to his wedding either. His ex also had prevented him from seeing them regularly, including refusing to let them come to the phone when he called, being out when he went to collect them for access visits etc. He has very little relationship with them because of this but he still wanted them to come to his wedding - not allowed. What was he supposed to do - not have a wedding at all? Unreasonable.

Also I think, MrsBrightside, that you have done remarkably well under fire on this thread! There have been some very rude and critical posters, taking potshots at every aspect of your life, and you've handled them pretty well. I think you'll fit in well here! Welcome to MN and your trial by fire aka AIBU

I love that you and your exdh get on and can do things together. My DCs are adults now, and I know they appreciated being able to come from a harmonious background despite their parents no longer being married to each other. We also did Christmases together on a couple of occasions and exH's DW and I get on very well together. DH and I, and exH and his dw all attended our dcs graduations together and have done numerous dinners, birthdays etc together. I also come from a multiple-divorce background so had had some practice of how things could be. My DH's exw however was as obstructive as possible and harmed her own dcs with her attitude. I appreciate it's not always possible to be this civilised, as not everyone is willing to be decent about it, and some people will insist on putting their own bitterness above the welfare of their own dcs, but it's certainly an admirable intention.

for you, OP, I think you're doing remarkably well!

Just wanted to give you mrs

I think that you have been given a hard time by some posters!

Your MIL sounds awful.

Re: the contact issues would your DH be willing to go back to court? Seems very unfair that he has not been given alternative Christmases....and only one week in the school holidays. Just sayin.

Thank you for all the lovely comments. I've been doing my best under what has been difficult circumstances.

Dh is happy to have every boxing day. Hix exw gets xmas eve and all day xmas day and he gets xmas day night and all day boxing day.

There is no point him having his dc for half the holidays, he works so would not be able to look after them. His first child arrangements order was that he had them for 2 weeks in the summer, but then his ex wife took him back to court to change it as he had to get his dm to look after them when he was working and his exw didn't want that (she claimed MIL was nasty and minipulative and was turning the dc against her - maybe she was right!).

Right now my dh is just happy (and grateful) for any time he gets with them. each time she breaks the court order it costs us nearly £600 to get her to tow the line again.

it seems the courts just aren't interested, and like half of MN the father is always seen as the bad guy.