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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to F off!

300 replies

mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 14:04

More like was I being unreasonable to tell MIL to fuck off.... kinda too late now as i've already done it.

Just about had enough and finally told her what I think of her.

Bit of a back story - Been with dh for 2 years, married for 9 months. MIL clearly has issues with me and prefers dh's exw.

I have been LC with MIL since our wedding day after she was rude and quite disrespectful. MIL pops in at the weekend to collect some tools the dh borrowed from her dh, she hasn't been to our house since xmas (she hasn't been invited). She took one look at our relatively new photo collage in the hall and commented that it was inappropriate as it might upset dh's dc. They were not allowed to come to our wedding, their mother prevented them from attending.

My dh replied that we wanted pics of our happy day up regardless and we weren't going to live our life like that - we have nothing to hide. She then commented that I should at least remove the pics of my children from the collage! One of my dc (age 16) was in the kitchen at the time and heard.

I went mental at her, she was the straw that broke the camels back. I asked her to leave / told her to fuck off and that she was not welcome in my house anymore and that I want nothing to do with her.

So thats it, I have now sworn with her. I don't have time patience for people like this in my life. AIBU? Over dramatic? Cutting my nose of to spite my face etc?

OP posts:
doodlebug34 · 26/07/2016 03:58

I would definitely have told her to fuck off, if I was in your position!

Chris1234567890 · 26/07/2016 05:04

I agree with Elsa , waaaaay back. Theres nothing more hurtful for children to be excluded, then to top it, have photos up to remind them they were excluded. (This is nothing at all to do with exW or MIL ..they were excluded whatever the reason).

I hope in the very least you take them down when they visit, or if not, Id only conclude that you wish to hurt them (not the ex or the MIL) . Pictures of Daddies happy new family, should always be dealt with sensitively and I fear youre just not getting that.

Secondly, why on earth would you want to cause such a rift with your new husbands mother? Smacks of you wanting to make him choose already and its only been a matter of weeks. Hmm
Everyone has dicks in their family. They tend to be even bigger dicks at family weddings. But Its entirely up to you how much you let the family dick bother you.

She doesnt live with you. You are a big enough girl to decide when and when not to visit etc .

There really is no need to draw such blatant battle lines unless of course, it is to get dh to proove something to you? Its a dangerous game to play though, and may backfire on you dramatically, but clearly, he can now start pondering how hes going to manage this. Indeed, youve done a pretty effective job of marginalising both his mother and his children. Did someone mention narcs back up the thread?

TheStoic · 26/07/2016 05:41

If your husband gave a shit about his own kids he'd have postponed the wedding until such a time when his kids could be there.

Sure, if you were dealing with a reasonable Ex. Clearly, they weren't. Postpone it until when, exactly?

Don't let her make you angry, OP. She doesn't sound remotely worth it. I'd have laughed in her face, and shown her the door.

wheredidmy30sgo · 26/07/2016 06:37

Sorry op. Those children should have been the top priority for your dh not how quickly he married you. The very most important thing for your dh is that his dc are made to feel loved and secure.

Everything else comes second.

Ememem84 · 26/07/2016 06:59

My mil decided we shouldn't have wedding pictures up in our house. Because they might upset Dhs brothers. Who aren't married. And who live abroad. And who never see us. Because they live abroad. Mil just hates me. She has some lovely pics of our wedding in her house. None with me in them. she photoshopped me out of one of them...

This is why we don't speak.

UnexpectedBaggage · 26/07/2016 07:07

The ex would probably have made sure the DCs weren't at the wedding whenever it was. She sounds a real piece of work.

Glad you have the support of your OH.

Some very nasty posts on this thread, ignore them, OP.

MidniteScribbler · 26/07/2016 07:19

The ex would probably have made sure the DCs weren't at the wedding whenever it was.

Absolutely, I don't doubt this.

However, sometimes you have to work with the circumstances you have. So organising a nice dinner (without telling the ex!) on the next time you have contact to go out and celebrate becoming a new family, or having some nice portraits done to have new family photos are all ideas that could have been explored. They could even have all dressed back up in their wedding outfits for them to be taken. The ex was never going to let them attend the wedding, but how they react to that, and still make those children feel included in the new family is what makes you are good parent (and step parent).

AbyssinianBanana · 26/07/2016 07:54

Whatever happened to doing what's best for the small kids?

Has he asked them how they feel about seeing pictures of the wedding they didn't get to be at?

Or is it all about your house and your feelings?

Nanny0gg · 26/07/2016 07:58

The ex would probably have made sure the DCs weren't at the wedding whenever it was.

Only if she knew. Arrange it for a contact weekend. Have the outfits ready. Make it a surprise.

OohMavis · 26/07/2016 08:16

The children in this situation are so tiny. Who's looking out for them?

You're looking out for you; your wedding, your house, your kids.

Your husband is looking out for you; your feelings, rushing through a divorce to get married to you as quickly as possible - damn the consequences.

His ex-wife is looking out for herself; her feelings regarding her divorce, making her ex-husband and new wife suffer - damn the consequences.

MIL is on the children's side by the sounds of it. I'm finding it difficult to vilify her for that. She's not very polite to you, but you're not really what matters here.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/07/2016 08:27

Your MIL doesn't sound like a very nice person at all - her comment about (to?) your sister at your wedding is awful.

But I don't know a single person in real life who 'goes mental' at friends/family, and tells them to 'fuck off'. I only ever read about it on here. I must lead quite a sheltered life.

newname99 · 26/07/2016 08:30

I understand your annoyance but think you handled it badly.It might have been the comment to your sister that made you feel so angry but you & your dh had agreed low contact with mil as a consequence.I think mil has a point and the dcs will feel hurt if it looks like they are excluded.Not saying it's your fault just that they will feel it.

I am a sm and have the most awful mil, truly shocking as she is a violent bully (but dressed up in middle-class tones).Our situations could be identical as ex was very vindicative despite her re marrying before dh & I.

I have learnt that you need to disengage from toxic people, confronting doesn't help (and may stress you out).Put the Dc's first everytime even if the ex doesnt.It not about her winning but about you dh playing the long game for his children's sake.

It's a good idea to have a blessing with the children there and get lots of joint family photos. make it symbolic of your new family.

You and your dh have met/married quickly especially as his children are so young so there is emotional adjustments needed.The ex remarried very quickly and it was a confusing time for the dsc.They felt pushed out even though they lived with the ex most of the time.

Time helps and sensitivity is needed, lots of biting once tongue

Udderz · 26/07/2016 08:31

as long as there are photos of the kids about, it doesn't matter that they aren't in the collage.

LagunaBubbles · 26/07/2016 08:37

If your husband gave a shit about his own kids he'd have postponed the wedding until such a time when his kids could be there. No offence OP but to me this is a red flag

It wasnt up to him whether his children could attend - that was their Mother who stopped them coming, I would imagine this would have applied whenever the wedding was.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 09:13

Wow, so many responses - I am actually appreciating the mixed views (except the ones whereby people are completely judging, but hey).

To answer some of the questions;

R.e my dh dc settling into my home. Yes, I do own my own home and yes I have barked on about it in this example, the fact was my MIL was expecting me to remove pictures of my children from my home - a house we have lived in for 6 years. I have 3 dc, but it is a 5 bedroom house. Dh's dc (same gender) share the second largest room in the house. The room was previously a spare / junk room and we have made it nice and themed, They have beds, wardrobes, toys etc. they have overall settled well, although have spent large patches of time not seeing us.

As for my dh not having a lot of photos up, I have called him up on this but doesn't see it as an issue - he has never really had many photos up - he must get that from his parents as neither of their houses have any photos up either. He actually thinks his mum is being very contradictory over this. She only has 2/3 photos up in her house. One is a her brothers wedding photo (family group shot of her brother and his bride, her and her dh and her 3 boys). And I think there is one photo of one of her sons and his two daughters in some kind of 'best gran' frame in the kitchen. thats it. She doesn't have any photos of her other 3 dgc (inc dh's 2) in her house.

I'm going to ignore all the people who have suggested we postponed the wedding. The issue was about MIL, not whether we had the right to get married and if we had done the right thing by dh's dc

Someone made the comment about me looking for a reason to go NC. That really hit home. I haven't been consciously thinking this, although I very quickly removed myself from her drama when I could tell she was going to be trouble. To be honest I did this as I knew it would be a problem if I didn't. I am quite outspoken and in my family we tell it how it is, and treat each other like adults. I'm not used to interfering MIL's or rude snidely people in my life. I have found her judgments, double standards and lack of verbal filter disrespectful. I guess there is part of me that has got less tolerant and patient as I have got older. I don't want this kind of bullshit in my life really. Going NC will suit me down to the ground.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 09:15

Oh and Cosmo, If my MIL has posted on here about me i'm not sure she would have described me as a 'high flier', but if she has then i'll take that!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 09:23

OohMavis - to say my MIL is not being polite to me is an understatement. I know she loves and cares for her dgc, and rightly so. But you can't go through life telling people what to do, judging them and being rude. Sorry thats how I feel. It is possible to care for your dgc without being mean and rude.

OP posts:
GertrudeSmellsDivine · 26/07/2016 09:28

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Roussette · 26/07/2016 09:30

But I don't know a single person in real life who 'goes mental' at friends/family, and tells them to 'fuck off'. I only ever read about it on here. I must lead quite a sheltered life

^^ This.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 09:31

IMO if you go through life like that - being a bully, then you can fully well expect someone to come along and tell you to fuck off and put you in your place.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 26/07/2016 09:33

They probably do tell toxic MIL to do one, but they do not announce it to the world, it is not something you would publicise.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 09:33

Ok, so maybe I didn't go mental! I raised my voice and told her to fuck off and leave and that I didn't want anything more to do with her - which was pretty harsh for me. It was a proper snap moment that had been brewing for months. I would have been the same if that was my own mother.

OP posts:
AbyssinianBanana · 26/07/2016 09:33

So no, you have no pictures of the step kids and you feel it's up to your husband to put up photos of his kids in your house. (You realise it's a joint asset now, don't you?)

And you're outspoken and tell it like it is.

I bet MIL would describe herself like this too.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 26/07/2016 09:34

It's also possible to get through life without telling people to F* off.

However youve already decided she was in the wrong. Presumably as she hit a guilty spit.

It's more than just about pictures, it comes across as all about you. Those children seem an afterthought by both of you.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 26/07/2016 09:40

TheDowagerCuntess - The comment at our wedding was to my dsis. It was along the lines of 'aww, aren't your two little boys adorable, its a shame you and your dp aren't married, poor little mites. Do you plan to marry'. dsis - 'er, maybe, maybe not, we're not that fussed now really. I don't think my dc suffer though'. MIL - 'well they will do. Does anyone in your family have any morals?'

FYI my dsis is 33. Her dp is 38. She is a teacher, he is in banking. They are not young Jeremy Kyle parents.

OP posts: