To tell MIL to F off!

[mrsbrightside3]

More like was I being unreasonable to tell MIL to fuck off.... kinda too late now as i've already done it.

Just about had enough and finally told her what I think of her.

Bit of a back story - Been with dh for 2 years, married for 9 months. MIL clearly has issues with me and prefers dh's exw.

I have been LC with MIL since our wedding day after she was rude and quite disrespectful. MIL pops in at the weekend to collect some tools the dh borrowed from her dh, she hasn't been to our house since xmas (she hasn't been invited). She took one look at our relatively new photo collage in the hall and commented that it was inappropriate as it might upset dh's dc. They were not allowed to come to our wedding, their mother prevented them from attending.

My dh replied that we wanted pics of our happy day up regardless and we weren't going to live our life like that - we have nothing to hide. She then commented that I should at least remove the pics of my children from the collage! One of my dc (age 16) was in the kitchen at the time and heard.

I went mental at her, she was the straw that broke the camels back. I asked her to leave / told her to fuck off and that she was not welcome in my house anymore and that I want nothing to do with her.

So thats it, I have now sworn with her. I don't have time patience for people like this in my life. AIBU? Over dramatic? Cutting my nose of to spite my face etc?

Several people have suggested doing a "blessing" with the children. Meal out or tea party.

I didn't see a response to this. I know you said you weren't upset at being left out of such and event as a child. However, it doesn't mean these children won't. My DD would have been seriously scarred were this to happen. I don't know if you know these children well enough to make that judgement call for them. (Not that I'm saying its your fault as the exW has all the cards on this).

And just because your dh doesn't have an issue with the photo situation, doesn't mean his girls won't. You sound like a fiery and principled woman and I'm wondering about your reluctance to perhaps take a bit more charge of these things. As the new albeit stepmum, isn't it your role to treat them as one of their own, including photos? I thought treating the children all the same was the first rule of happily blended families.

I have made an effort with dh's children, but I have not wanted to rush things. I have barely spent long periods of time with them due to limited access. We usually go for a meal out with his dc and my dh when we have them anyway - i'm not sure doing a 'special' meal out to celebrate our wedding which was last September is going to make a difference.

His dc are 5 and 6! They are boys and not girls andt hey have showed little interest, or even knowledge in our wedding. They are happy and content when they are with us and have not shown any upset over this. to be honest, they get more upset when they don't see there dad for months on end.

Are people really suggesting we have some kind of blessing just for the benefit of a 5 and 6 years old? As far as a blessing goes, this is a religious ceremony and neither dh and I are religious, seems a bit OTT. the closest we could do would be to renew our vows, which we have looked into. Our local registry office charge £400 for this. Again, seems very OTT. The dc aren't making a thing about it, it was just MIL and the damn photo.

Dh and I are taking a gradual, softly softly approach to step parenting. We / I hardly ever see his dc so I am not in a position to 'take charge'. And my dc are all teens and have a very hands involved on dad so my dh does not need to play dad to them, he is their friend and they love him, and hopefully one day dh' dc will see me the same.

I'm not sure why people are suggesting that I am not treating them the same as my own dc. When they are here (and I have already said that has totalled 12 days since we got married 10 months due to exw messing around with access) they are treated the same as my dc, they are actually probably paid more attention as my 3 teens dote on them and really make an effort and play with them etc.

Of course it is very difficult to treat them all the same when we don't see them and due to their different ages and coming from a blended family. I.e My dc are away for 5 days in Spain with their dad this week, dh's dc aren't going away with their mum in the hols. I've just bought my 16 year old an iphone for working hard in his GCSE's, I don;t intend to buy an iphone for my younger teens or his dc.

Our 5 combined children are not really being brought up with eachother. Sure there is crossover, but both dh and my situation with our kids and our ex's is different.

We do try and make sure we do something all together when he has his dc, but sometimes that is not possible due to one or all of my dc not being around / work / other plans.

There is clearly a lot of back story here, but it isn't your fault you dh's kids weren't there, so why should you hide the photo's of your happy day and the fact your children made it. It's not like you didn't invite them.

OK so you don't want to celebrate with a 5 and 6 year old, they won't be 5 and 6 forever and one day when they see they aren't in 'family collages' they might wonder why. The ex wife not bringing them to your wedding doesn't seem to be the only problem. Your DH needs to sort his problem with the ex wife out and you need to stop refusing to acknowledge that you joined a pre existing family. Yes it's your hallway but as the hall is the first place visitors see you have put the collage up as a statement to show that these children were not at an important family gathering. That's not their fault, it's your DH and his ex wife's so why try to push them away even further?

You started this thread off hating your mother in law, but it seems that she's the last of your problems.

Someone in this situation is being childish and it's not the kids.

'Your DH needs to sort his problem with the ex wife out'

• And how do you suppose he does that? He has already spent nearly 6k in court fees over the past 2 years to get access. He had a child arrangements order put in place (instigated by him) which she broke several times. So he then took her back to court and a judge ordered a new child arrangements order (after she has refused to release the children to him for 3 months). She has since broken the current order twice. The first time she witheld access for a month, he took her to court again, it cost him £600. She got a warning and things were ok for a few months. Then she broke it again by witholding access for another month, he took her back to court again and she got another telling off and a £40 fine and told she must stick to the court order.

She knows each time she breaks it by witholding access that it costs him £400 - £600 to take it back to court! All a judge can do is fine her really.

I am open to suggestions as to how he can 'sort her out'.

'you need to stop refusing to acknowledge that you joined a pre existing family'

• I am not refusing to accept this. And nor is my dh. We feel we are handling being part of a blended family quite well. Its the MIL we are struggling with!

Yes it's your hallway but as the hall is the first place visitors see you have put the collage up as a statement to show that these children were not at an important family gathering'

• So does everyone else arrange / re-arrange their photos in their house to suite what any visitors may or may not think of them? My friends and family who visit know me and my dh and know we are not excluding his dc, nor would they judge us. It seems MIL is the only one judging us. Whic h is no great shocker after all the other judgements she has put on me / my family / dh.

I cannot believe the flack you have been getting on this thread.
I also have shared parenting with my xh and agree that sharing out the special occasions can be a nightmare - i think it sounds you have everything nailed. I don't want my DP to be a father figure to my 2 DDs either - the shared parenting means they have a proper father, even after a divorce. And yes you don't spend every visit with them, my partner tries to leave us time together just us 3 too, it's important for us all!

Regarding your MIL, i'm not sure i would have said Fuck Off but in your situation i probably would have been very tempted to be very rude! And at least it's done and dusted, whatever happens in the future - you know that you have stood up for yourself, and your family.

I didn't think MN was such a bag of divorce/step parent hating people!!

Good luck with the MIL anyway, sounds like you might need it later on down the line!

I don't think you need to justify yourself OP to posters who clearly are trying to tie you up in knots over your/hubby's choices and situation - they won't be happy no matter what you do.

I think you guys are doing the best you can with a spiteful ex and batshit MIL.

Hello op,
Hope you are OK! I did the same sort of thing. After years of narcissistic aggro from her I yelled at her. I am not proud, but the look on her face is something I shall always treasure. She does treat me a bit better now. Someone said to me once that it's a relationship neither of us choose to be in, so it's bound to be tricky! Xx

I don't think the issue with your mil is half as big as the issue with lack of contact. They will hardly know who he is. Have you/he posted on here on the relevant board to see if there is any further advice about what to do to improve contact?

I agree Iggi. yes, he has had a lot of legal advice (hence the 6k bill). He is doing all he can. His solicitor said that she will probably get away with breaking a court order at least 5 or 6 times before she would get any kind of punishment more than a fine. A community order would be next. I don't think she would risk that as she works with children so wouldn't want a criminal record.

OP, I really don't think you have done anything wrong, seems to me like DH's mother and his ex like to put a spanner in the works at every turn. Think MIL unfortunately got what was coming. But by the sound of her she's never going to control her mouth, no matter how civil you have been to her. Her loss completely!

Op

I cannot believe that you are having to justify putting pictures up of your own bloody wedding!!! Only on mumsnet..........

Re the mil - from experience, yes lay the boundaries but do it with a bit more grace next time as these things can cause huge stress on a marriage regardless of whether you are in the right or not. Husbands do like to look the other way but regardless it's still his family and he will always be tied to them.

OP you sound well balanced and sensible and to have been handling the situations you have been placed in well.
Children become used to seeing pics taken before they were born or on occasions when they were too young to attend. What's the big deal except for mil who was looking for a fight?
Not many years ago the advice would be that it was inappropriate for young children to attend parents' remarriage so after a divorce as it was likely to cause conflicted feelings they were too young to handle -- joyful occasion which they could not fully share because it followed the painful separation of their parents.
Not doubt over the years and as the boys get older there will be pics taken at other family events including them. Storm in a tea cup as far as all the DC involved and used as a weapon by mil and you did well to stand your ground. Just be ready to start afresh if mil apologises lol! Seeing she'd like your DH to leave you you are placed in the position of being the very gracious victim.
I'm quite new to MN and after following this thread and other recent ones I would be very hesitant to start one myself because some posters are so gratuitously unkind to put it mildly, and invariably attribute the most negative of motives to the poster. Very disappointing.
Good luck OP

Please don't justify OP. This sole issue was MILs ridiculous reaction to some.bloody photos. Now it's.turned into you not including your step children, not making an effort and having to arrange a blessing for a 5 and 6 year old that don't really care. There are photos of them up and that's enough. YANBU, anything else is posters being stupidly picky and talking about matters which are utterly irrelevant (as usual).

There is no sole issue. It hasn't turned into "not including step children"...that was the point of MIL's reaction!
How can you even give an opinion if you didn't understand the original point of the post?

benedikte AIBU is particularly vicious. Other boards are better ... and there are a few posters who just like being nasty for the sake of it. If you can ignore them there's a lot of good help and advice.

FreedomIsInPeril How can you even give an opinion if you didn't understand the original point of the post? if that were true there would be some very very empty threads on MN!

True, lots of people give their opinions despite not having a clue. All a bit pointless, but up to them.

Don't know why ppl are giving you flack OP when ALL of this is down to the birth mother

what kind of mother refuses to let her dc attend their fathers wedding? Or refuse them access to their father? One who is selfish and refuses to put the dc interests first.

i would leave it to dh to decide on photos etc.

Just thinking, when you do have the dc over, perhaps you could all do crafts etc together so they can hang up their 'artwork'? It's a way for them to put their own stamp on their new home. i know my friends kids love it when they come round to mine and see their pics up on my wall.

The only adult who is the cause of all this angst is the sdc mother. Perhaps your dh could suggest she gets locked up or has her clearance to work with children removed the next time she breaks a court order -THAT might get the message through! If she can't/won't put the wellbeing of her dc first then she isn't fit to be the resident parent.

Given how well you've reacted to criticism here (flown into a temper/not listened at all), I'm confident that your DH has married his mother,many probably remarried his ex wife.

Six of one etc

I think you should have put this on step parenting and you wouldn't have gotten have the grief you have?

Maybe you should restage your wedding so that the SC can be in the photos FFS.....

Step parents on here can't do right.

MIL should be way more concerned that DH isn't getting enough contact with his children, the collage is an outcome of that - none of which is your fault!

I think if SC ask, when they are old enough, why they weren't there say 'your mother wouldn't let you come'. I'm sure she says enough about you to them!

just a suggestion.what about one time when the kids are all over,could you suggest a group photo.family or even just in back garden to put up(even invite grandma-if that ok with you.)you seem in an awful position and what she did was awful.you let rip she hurt you and could have hurt your childs feelings with her comments.but could this be a way of bringing you all together.even making it a laugh or funny one with masks etc like they do those photo booth ones.
just something to bring you all together where you can say listen guys we love you all.

Given how well you've reacted to criticism here (flown into a temper/not listened at all), I'm confident that your DH has married his mother,many probably remarried his ex wife.

What absolute crap.

How did your 16 year old react to the interaction? I'm sure almost all teenagers will have heard and used swear words, but has your 16yo heard you using that to a family member.