Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to F off!

300 replies

mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 14:04

More like was I being unreasonable to tell MIL to fuck off.... kinda too late now as i've already done it.

Just about had enough and finally told her what I think of her.

Bit of a back story - Been with dh for 2 years, married for 9 months. MIL clearly has issues with me and prefers dh's exw.

I have been LC with MIL since our wedding day after she was rude and quite disrespectful. MIL pops in at the weekend to collect some tools the dh borrowed from her dh, she hasn't been to our house since xmas (she hasn't been invited). She took one look at our relatively new photo collage in the hall and commented that it was inappropriate as it might upset dh's dc. They were not allowed to come to our wedding, their mother prevented them from attending.

My dh replied that we wanted pics of our happy day up regardless and we weren't going to live our life like that - we have nothing to hide. She then commented that I should at least remove the pics of my children from the collage! One of my dc (age 16) was in the kitchen at the time and heard.

I went mental at her, she was the straw that broke the camels back. I asked her to leave / told her to fuck off and that she was not welcome in my house anymore and that I want nothing to do with her.

So thats it, I have now sworn with her. I don't have time patience for people like this in my life. AIBU? Over dramatic? Cutting my nose of to spite my face etc?

OP posts:
Mummyme1987 · 25/07/2016 15:49

I think you have worked out why dh's brother lives in NZ.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 15:49

Dragons, i'm not making excuses for my dh, he has made mistakes, we have all make mistakes and mis-judgements in life. he isn't a dead beat dad. He decided to leave an EA relationship because he was unhappy. If he had been a woman, no doubt people would be saying 'well done you' to him for having the courage to leave. Not all divorced dads are arseholes who don't give a shit about their kids - my exdh certainly isn't.

I'm not sure anywhere in my posts I have blamed my dh's exw for my MIL's nasty comments and behaviour. Nor do I claim to be perfect!

OP posts:
pleasemothermay1 · 25/07/2016 15:50

Op sorry didn't read before I posted apologies

You are correct 🙊🙊🙊😍🙊🙊

KittensandKnitting · 25/07/2016 15:50

dragon you don't know how that child was conceived for all you know they had hated each other for two years before, one night talked about the "good old times" had a bit too much to drink and ended up in bed together it happens!

The fact is for whatever reason the OP's DH left his wife when the child was one, they had been separated when he met his now DW and were alerted for 3 nearly 4 years before they got married.

Withholding access of children from a loving parent or even pretty shit one is a terrible thing to do

GipsyDanger · 25/07/2016 15:51

sorry freedom all I can hear is the gap band's song...Grin

KittensandKnitting · 25/07/2016 15:51

Seperated not alerted...

SeaEagleFeather · 25/07/2016 15:52

but is it common that a lot of MNetters are second wife haters?

no. There's a sad number of gits who just love being unpleasant though.

There's also a lot of very, very nice people who give good advice and put a lot into helping other people.

Ignore the gotta-be-bitchy types, it's the internet, concentrate on the better people.

FreedomIsInPeril · 25/07/2016 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GipsyDanger · 25/07/2016 15:54

freedom
Chuga chuga chuga choo choo!!!
^^ you derailing the thread

\opps upside your head , opps upside your head\
Dammit!!!

WannaBe · 25/07/2016 15:54

"But wasn't this about whether she was reasonable or not to tell her mil to fuck off about some photos...not about her relationship with her DH" but from the MIL's perspective there is a much bigger backstory which includes her DS leaving his wife with two tiny children, and then rushing to get married at a point when access was refused, not even giving it time to see whether the children could attend. He could have requested as part of the court order that the children be able to attend the wedding but seemingly didn't.

"As for people asking why we got married so quickly, why is that an issue? we are both 40, not 17! And we have known each other 20 years and are very much in love. I'm not sure why this is an issue." ah so there very much is a backstory then....

Gottagetmoving · 25/07/2016 15:55

There is nothing wrong with you having a collage of pictures and your mil was out of order to criticise it, however, she may be aware her gc were upset their mother did not allow them to go to the wedding.
You have to remember that sometimes when couples split up it can upset other family members who were close to the other partner. It takes time to adjust, especially if they fear they may not see the children often or even ever.
Your mil may not have taken to you at first but I sounds like you were ready for a battle so no wonder she has not warmed to you.
I think you totally overreacted. It is possible to handle situations like this one without losing your temper or telling people to fuck.off.
It's your dh's mother ffs. You don't have to like her but you could respect the fact she loves your dh and her grandchildren.

KittensandKnitting · 25/07/2016 15:56

Actually freedom in the UK, a father isn't allowed to just "take" his children with him, the mother has automatic rights of custody until a court decideds otherwise.

I know this because my DP has full PR after their mother walked out and until he got a court order she could have taken them at any time, despite not seeing them for the three years it took to conclude.

FreedomIsInPeril · 25/07/2016 15:56

Derailing the thread by reading and responding to the OP's posts? I don't think so. Constant babbling about derailing, on the other hand, are completly pointless and add nothing.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/07/2016 15:56

Yanbu reasonable at all. Why should she make the effort with someone who clearly did not like her from the outset. You see quite a few Mumsnetters try to please their toxic MIL for years, being unhappy and being a doormat, to finally say F off I am done with this crap. Op does not have to endure years of trying to please a woman who does not like her.

Op has said that he is fighting for access, she is being manipulative regarding access, it does not seem like she would have allowed op dh to just take the kids. I do see some double standards here!

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 15:57

Freedom, he has no reason to suspect she can't look after her children. he would never have got full custody as she was a SAHP. Just because their relationship didn't work doesn't mean she is a risk to children and should have her dc take away!

He has a right to be happy and live and marry whoever he wants. She has been in a relationship for over a year herself.

OP posts:
GipsyDanger · 25/07/2016 15:58

And you attacking the op is? Hmm

Well done OP you stood up for yourself, many wouldn't have had the guts to.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 25/07/2016 15:58

So awful yet willing to still sleep with her and leave his children with her.

Women who leave abusive partners tend to rescue their children from it too and certainly don't get pregnant again just before deciding to leave.

Perhaps your MIL can see the full picture and is trying to ensure his first children aren't left out. God forbid she dare stick up for them.

If it were the OPs childr excluded from such a big day then facing photos of it daily I dare say she would have a different reaction.

KittensandKnitting · 25/07/2016 15:59

I'm also quite please to see the OP stick up for herself!

I'm having a glass of wine tonight for you OP! And we'll done for telling you MIL to fuck of, I had one like this in a previous relationship who was a bloody nightmare!

SeaEagleFeather · 25/07/2016 15:59

mrsbrightside ignore the ones who are having a go. Concentrate on the good stuff.

fwiw Im with the people who think that you may have overreacted a bit, but that MIL was trouble from the start and kinda deserved this. From her email, she's butting into your marriage and she has no right at all to do that.

StrangeLookingParasite · 25/07/2016 15:59

If he wanted them at the wedding he wouldn't have rushed his divorce through and would have planned it on a day he did have contact or delayed it until it was sorted.

Even if they had, the ex-w would have found another excuse not to let them go. Which, yes, makes her a bitch. They're still small, and it would have been in their best interests to be there; something the ex-w seems to have ignored in preference to using them as a means of hitting back at her ex-h.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/07/2016 16:02

Dragons have you not read the op posts, op dh would not be allowed to walk off with the kids without a court order.

KittensandKnitting · 25/07/2016 16:03

Perhaps your MIL can see the full picture and is trying to ensure his first children aren't left out. God forbid she dare stick up for them.

The only person who made the children miss out on the wedding day, and why they are not in the photos is the children's mother.

The mother didn't want them at the wedding and stopped access despite being in a new relationship for a year herself.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/07/2016 16:03

op dh ex looks like she is being manipulative regarding contact, and op dh is fighting in the court for access. Some resident parents can be absolute arses you know!

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 16:04

I have tried to be sensitive to MIL needing to adjust - I know it has hit her hard not seeing her dgc when their mum has messed around contact - she was a very hands on gran before he left his exw.

I appreciate she has needed time to get used to dh moving on with her life. Blended families require a lot of adjusting , on both sides.

The comments at our wedding were uncalled for though and i have been seething since then. I don't know how she thought telling my 33 year old sister that she should be ashamed of herself for not being married to her dc's dad and that clearly our family had no morals was not unreasonable.

I don't think she has shown me and my family any respect.

The photo comment could have been raised to dh in private and in a more sensitve way imo

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/07/2016 16:05

It certainly looks like that even if op and her dh planned the wedding for a contact day, that if she got wind of the wedding, she would certainly withold contact because of that!

Swipe left for the next trending thread