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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to F off!

300 replies

mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 14:04

More like was I being unreasonable to tell MIL to fuck off.... kinda too late now as i've already done it.

Just about had enough and finally told her what I think of her.

Bit of a back story - Been with dh for 2 years, married for 9 months. MIL clearly has issues with me and prefers dh's exw.

I have been LC with MIL since our wedding day after she was rude and quite disrespectful. MIL pops in at the weekend to collect some tools the dh borrowed from her dh, she hasn't been to our house since xmas (she hasn't been invited). She took one look at our relatively new photo collage in the hall and commented that it was inappropriate as it might upset dh's dc. They were not allowed to come to our wedding, their mother prevented them from attending.

My dh replied that we wanted pics of our happy day up regardless and we weren't going to live our life like that - we have nothing to hide. She then commented that I should at least remove the pics of my children from the collage! One of my dc (age 16) was in the kitchen at the time and heard.

I went mental at her, she was the straw that broke the camels back. I asked her to leave / told her to fuck off and that she was not welcome in my house anymore and that I want nothing to do with her.

So thats it, I have now sworn with her. I don't have time patience for people like this in my life. AIBU? Over dramatic? Cutting my nose of to spite my face etc?

OP posts:
Ashhead24 · 25/07/2016 16:48

Yanbu, and in fact well done for sticking up for yourself. What you have displayed on the walls of your own house is up to you, nothing to do with your MIL. She's been a rude bitch to you on several occasions and presumably thought she could get away with it again. Now she knows she can't.

It may be that she does have a point about his DC being upset, maybe you could have an anniversary meal to celebrate and get some nice photos with them to put up as well.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 16:49

I'll admit there are not a lot of pics of dh's dc in the house. I have asked him lots of times if he wants to put pics of them up. There is one school pic of the eldest in the hall and one a small one of them both in the living room and one of them both and their cousins in their bedroom but thats in, thats all dh has really. He keeps photos on his laptop. He said he and his exw only had one pic of each of hem up in their marital home.

His mum only has 2 photos on display in her home!

OP posts:
ClopySow · 25/07/2016 16:50

Not unreasonable at all.

I agree with PP, add a few photos of his children to the collage. Go and get some really nice ones done.

There are some proper bonkers posts on this thread.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 16:51

I won't be having her round for tea now thats for sure. Not unless i get a humbled genuine apology. Judging by her email to dh this morning i won;t be getting that.

OP posts:
loveyouradvice · 25/07/2016 16:54

Sounds like you are having a seriously tough time Mrs Brightside.... one really good suggestion that's emerged earlier in this thread is having a great photo of his DC up in the hall together with your three of the wedding (which sound wonderful by the way, full of personality and originality) .... And then make a personal commitment to yourself not to let your MIL get to you... Life's too short - You've a wonderful husband, are in love, gorgeous children - focus on them and yourselves?

And in a spirit of generosity with all that love flowing around perhaps decided to be there for tea in a few weeks (when you're feeling stronger) with all the kids when she's around with your DH and his kids? And even try being generous and interested in her - you're right she has had a tough time and would probably be taken aback by your generosity and kindness.... Yup, she'll continue being a tough old bird but what can you do to make it easier on yourselves and DH and kids

Mia1415 · 25/07/2016 16:56

YANBU at all! She sounds way out of line. Good for you

Cosmo111 · 25/07/2016 16:59

kittens the thread was along the lines of not. Seeing her DS often enough due to his new DW taking him away and from the GC

KittensandKnitting · 25/07/2016 17:04

I haven't found it but I know exactly which one your thinking off :)

The new wife was a highflyer who had loads of money and they were going on lots of holidays with the new wife's ex husband and her children or something like that... And how she didn't see the children any more and even though he had them every weekend he would only spare part of that time once a fortnight to take the DGC to her house and it was very unreasonable for him to want to spend any time with his children on his own. The ex was apparently a saint who never treated her son badly at all, despite the fact he had told her she was EA to him for years.

KittensandKnitting · 25/07/2016 17:05

Or maybe it's not the same one, there is a lot of disgruntled people out there :)

Cosmo111 · 25/07/2016 17:06

That was the bread can't remember the user name tho xx

Cosmo111 · 25/07/2016 17:16

Thread even

Iloveowls2 · 25/07/2016 17:16

Yanbu to tell your mil to eff off. It's no business of hers and although I've only heard your side she sounds pretty nasty and she was bound to make you snap thankfully you have a supportive DH. I sympathise as I have alcoholic mil whose self centred ness manages to derail every meeting. Having said that I can partly see her view point re the pics might upset the Young children. But I wouldn't take it down your kids are just as important. Why not all get dressed up and have a really nice whole family portrait done to hang next to it (just don't tell exw you have it planned)

TattyCat · 25/07/2016 17:18

My exMIL had his first wedding photo on her wall for the entire duration of our relationship for the sake of DSS They'd not been together since he was 18mths old.

Didn't bother me, but I thought it was a bit Hmm

AbbieLexie · 25/07/2016 17:19

I have the greatest admiration for you. Apologise for swearing but nothing else.

grannytomine · 25/07/2016 17:28

I would go an get a professional photo of you, you husband and all the kids, maybe one of the kids all together as well. Give her a copy and see if she puts a photo of your kids up in her house. Have a paddy if she doesn't.

MerryMarigold · 25/07/2016 17:29

I think you are being U to tell her to F off and to go NC. Sounds like she just needs some firm boundaries that you don't budge on. You should have said to her, "It was our wedding, it's not my fault the children weren't there and it's none of your business." If she added anything, don't get drawn in.

People like that need to learn, but they won't from people who are unselfcontrolled and don't have good boundaries themselves.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/07/2016 17:56

If it's likely that MiL (or the exw) will start 'poor you'-ing them or planting a seed of 'discontent' at having missed the wedding, having a picture with all of you for the hallway and a few photos of you, DH, & his kids on a day out together would be a preemptive strike against that. It's probable that DH's children are too young to be deeply affected at not being at the wedding, other than that they missed out on eating cake Smile. Unless, as I mentioned, others make a big deal out of it.

As far as telling MiL to fuck off, sounds as if it was a reaction to more than just this one issue. Possibly OTT, but who am I to judge? Whether or not you want to try for an 'armed neutrality' for the sake of your DH and his kids is up to you. Do you think that your having gotten in her face might make her tread a little more lightly?

I'm only thinking this because if your DH, and more importantly his children, are going to continue to have a relationship with her she'll be in a really good position to 'drip poison' in the children's ears against you (mean stepmummy, taking daddy away from you, favours her own kids, etc etc) unless you're there to head her off.

Cosmo111 · 25/07/2016 18:13

I told my ex auntie to fuck off in new look before they were a pack of Bitches who would leave me alone. The auntie had he nerve to tell me ex didn't properly cheat as he was too drunk Hmm ( couldn't get it up) but When I told her he gave me an STD she said I gave him it! I admit I told her to go fuck herself. I never swear but she pushed me to it I don't regret it at all sometimes when you keeping poking the bull you get the horns.

Iggi999 · 25/07/2016 18:17

Either she just hates you or she's trying to look out for her dgcs. Or a bit of both.
I am scrupulous about numbers of photos up of my two dc as the older one really does notice, and mind, if the younger one has more photos.

Memoires · 25/07/2016 18:23

I don't blame you. She was disgracefully rude to your sister and presumptuous to tell you what pics you could have in your home.

I do think that you might make an effort to take lots of pics of your step children now, and put some up. Make a 'thing' of it. Can you take pics of all the children together? Do you have family days out with all the children involved?

CatsGoPurrrr · 25/07/2016 18:29

I don't get it.

You've been with your DH for 2 years.
He was separated for 3 years when you met him.
He left when his youngest was a year old.
His kids are 4 and 6

Confused
Lunar1 · 25/07/2016 18:55

Who is looking out for the children though. It's really shitty of your dh to live in a place filled with pictures of your children and not make sure there is a balance.

Kids notice this stuff, and it feels shitty, I've worn that tshirt. Please ask him to get some pictures of his children sorted out.

Mummyme1987 · 25/07/2016 18:55

I thought she said the kids was almost 5. He has been separated for 3 years when he got divorced.

Mummyme1987 · 25/07/2016 18:56

He got divorced and married straight away. All works out for me time wise

Janecc · 25/07/2016 18:57

Mil sounds like a nightmare.

I'm also of the opinion it would be nice to have a family professional photo. Or have a small garden tea party family "blessing" maybe even in your wedding outfits with posh cake. Then get some great photos of the event and add them to the collage.

Your mil does have a point that dhs children missed out. She's targeting the wrong culprit though.

This is what narcissists do. They want you to react to make them feel good and you look bad so they goad and goad until you explode and then they get all self righteous. "Oh look at op - she's sooooo unreasonable etc." You've played into her hands I'm afraid (bet it felt good though). And yes, the best thing you can do to tame her is to keep her very much at arms length. She is the unreasonable one. As is the exw - whatever the back story she was awful to refuse access.