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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to F off!

300 replies

mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 14:04

More like was I being unreasonable to tell MIL to fuck off.... kinda too late now as i've already done it.

Just about had enough and finally told her what I think of her.

Bit of a back story - Been with dh for 2 years, married for 9 months. MIL clearly has issues with me and prefers dh's exw.

I have been LC with MIL since our wedding day after she was rude and quite disrespectful. MIL pops in at the weekend to collect some tools the dh borrowed from her dh, she hasn't been to our house since xmas (she hasn't been invited). She took one look at our relatively new photo collage in the hall and commented that it was inappropriate as it might upset dh's dc. They were not allowed to come to our wedding, their mother prevented them from attending.

My dh replied that we wanted pics of our happy day up regardless and we weren't going to live our life like that - we have nothing to hide. She then commented that I should at least remove the pics of my children from the collage! One of my dc (age 16) was in the kitchen at the time and heard.

I went mental at her, she was the straw that broke the camels back. I asked her to leave / told her to fuck off and that she was not welcome in my house anymore and that I want nothing to do with her.

So thats it, I have now sworn with her. I don't have time patience for people like this in my life. AIBU? Over dramatic? Cutting my nose of to spite my face etc?

OP posts:
blindsider · 25/07/2016 14:55

Yes it's all the ex wife's fault, how dare she be bitter after being left with a one year old and three year old whilst her ex moves straight on and marries another women and plays happy families with his step children

That is pure assumption, besides is she had the best interests of her kids at heart she would not be putting up obstacles to a good relationship with their father or using withdrawal of contact as a weapon!!

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 15:01

As far as backstory goes, there isn't really one. I have been with dh for 2 years. I didn't meet his mum until we had been together 6 months. At this point I already knew she was peed off as dh had taken me to meet his dad (they are divorced) first and she had got the hump about this. I knew she was going to be trouble from here on......

She made it clear the first time I met her that she didn't like me and made digs about me working full time, the fact that I am friends with my ex husband and that my sister isn't married to her dc's father!

I kept a low profile ever since really. Dh only see's her when he has his dc anyway, and I tend to use that time to do my own thing / stuff with my own dc, so just keep out the way.

We got engaged last June and married quickly (sept). MIL made it clear it was too soon, that she didn't like our choice of food at the wedding, hated that she wasn't asked to pay for anything pr get involved. On the day she moaned about the food, the music and the speeches and made a rude comment to my sister about being an unmarried mum (she is a 33 year old teacher ffs).

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 15:04

I realise I am new to MN and I am probably coming across as a MIL hater / slater, (i'm really not, I love my exMIL) but is it common that a lot of MNetters are second wife haters? I don't hate my exdh's dp or make his life hell and refuse access to his children

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 25/07/2016 15:04

She probably doesn't like you because you've made little to no effort with her since that first meeting. It can take families a while to warm up to each other you know!

Porcupinetree · 25/07/2016 15:07

I think you're justified, she sounds completely unreasonable !

FreedomIsInPeril · 25/07/2016 15:09

If they were separated for 3 years and you're married nearly a year, and he has a 4 year old, he must have left her right after she had a baby. Sounds like she has reason to be bitter.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 15:13

This is what my girlfriends all think, that she has the arse with me because i have distanced myself from her as i could see what a pain she was going to be and really didn't want to be part of that drama. I hoped for a nice grown up friendly relationship with her, I am not the type to be shopping and drinking tea with my MIL every week (I don't have time to do that with my own mother).

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 15:15

His youngest is nearly 5, He left her when he was a year old. He isn't proud of that, but the second baby was not planned (not by him anyway). His exw was a controlling EA bully just like his mother and he couldn't take it anymore.
Apparently children of narcissists after marry narcissists - thats def what he did with his first wife!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 15:19

Bitter or not Freedom, thats her issue, and yes, maybe she feels she does have a reason to be bitter. I don't intend to let his exw affect my life really.

I don't think being bitter justifies withholding access to his dc for long periods of time just to gain 'control' but hey, thats my opinion.

And I don't think his bitter exw excuses my MIL for telling me what photos I can have up in my house.

OP posts:
FreedomIsInPeril · 25/07/2016 15:21

It doesn't sound as if you care much about anyones feelings but your own.

KittensandKnitting · 25/07/2016 15:26

is it common that a lot of MNetters are second wife haters?

Sadly yes it really is...

WannaBe · 25/07/2016 15:29

Both the ex and the OP's DP are unreasonable here.

Withholding contact is never reasonable unless there is abuse in the equatioN, but equally the DH here was planning his wedding while he was still going through the process of regaining access to his DC. He will have known that there was a possibility that the court case may not have been sorted by the time he got married, and yet he still rushed to marry the OP as soon as he could? Why? Why the rush to get married? Why not wait until he knew whether his children could attend his wedding before planning a quick wedding at the earliest opportunity. Let's be honest here, the OP and her DH got engaged in July and married in September, so not a wedding which will have taken months and months of planning and preparation. It could have been moved, or more appropriately, the dsc should have been given time to process the fact that their daddy was going to be marrying someone else before the wedding actually happened.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/07/2016 15:30

YANBU.

Y-DH-IBU. He should have told her to fuck off, you should not have had to.

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 15:30

'It doesn't sound as if you care much about anyones feelings but your own'.

Thats not true. I care about my dc's feelings, my dh and his dc's feelings and my friends and families feelings. I even care about my exdh's feelings and those of his family and even his dp her her dc.

I do not care about dh's exw's feeling or MIL's. Sorry, why should I?

OP posts:
WannaBe · 25/07/2016 15:32

"Delay the wedding? For how long? Forever? Never heard anything so mad." I would agree with that if this wedding had been years in planning. But it was three months. so yes, I would have thought it would be appropriate to delay the wedding until such times as it could be established the children could be a part of it. At the point he booked the venue he couldn't even have known whether the DC would be there, but he went ahead anyway.

FreedomIsInPeril · 25/07/2016 15:32

Good point. Can't have been that bothered about having his children there, if he rushed through the wedding while not knowing if they could attend. But then as OP said, she's not going to let the exwife, or the children, or his mother affect her life at all.
And as she points out, children of narcs marry other narcs.......

KittensandKnitting · 25/07/2016 15:36

Or he may have just assumed that since he has been seeing his children on a regular basis for the past 3 years that his exW might actually put the children first and allow them to attend his wedding?

The fact is their mother didn't want them there and she stopped it, I'm pretty sure even if it was on his custody weekend considering she stopped all contact because he got engaged that no matter what those children were not going to be at that wedding.

KittensandKnitting · 25/07/2016 15:38

But wasn't this about whether she was reasonable or not to tell her mil to fuck off about some photos...not about her relationship with her DH

YANBU

Original poster
mrsbrightside3 · 25/07/2016 15:39

The wedding was booked in June. Dh had his access withdrawn after we had booked it, paid for it and told people (hence ex getting wind of it and witholding access).

Even now he has eow access granted through a court his exw still messes him around with access e.g decides to withold access over dh's birthday weekend and when we had booked to go to center parcs with all the dc / family in feb.

If we had delayed the wedding, she still probably would have messed him around and not let them come anyway.

Should we have waited until his exw had a personality transplant?

As for people asking why we got married so quickly, why is that an issue? we are both 40, not 17! And we have known each other 20 years and are very much in love. I'm not sure why this is an issue.

OP posts:
liquidrevolution · 25/07/2016 15:39

OP YANBU. She sounds awful youy have done well not snapping before this tbh.

But make sure you get a lovely pic of your step children up on the wall as well. Not to appease MIL but to make them part of the family as a 6 year old will notice.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 25/07/2016 15:42

He accidently had sex with her then Hmm

Everybody else to blame but the perfect DH and new wife ....

GipsyDanger · 25/07/2016 15:47

Well done mumsnet, once again the post is derailed by a completely irrelevant issue just so they have an excuse to attack the op. Well done /slow clap/

diddl · 25/07/2016 15:48

"I do not care about dh's exw's feeling or MIL's. Sorry, why should I?"

Well usually I would say that because one is the mother of his kids & the other his mother perhaps some consideration could be made for his sake?

pleasemothermay1 · 25/07/2016 15:48

He sounds non fussed over his children so maybe MIL feels she has to stand up for them. A fast wedding barely after divorce couldn't have been great for them.

If he wanted them at the wedding he wouldn't have rushed his divorce through and would have planned it on a day he did have contact or delayed it until it was sorted.

*have to say I agree with this why would yu not simply move the wedding to date when yu were having the children personally I would rather not be married than have my children not there

Once you found out the date and that it fell on a day that you didn't have the kids the wedding should have been moved is it that granny is reminding you of GCSE being treated badly

FreedomIsInPeril · 25/07/2016 15:49

How is it an irrelevant issue when its in the OP, and regarding what the argument was about?
Slow hand clap yourself, maybe upside your head, and RTFT.

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