Aibu or is DP re step daughter having her own room?

[Kukoo]

I have 3 DC (2 DS 5 & 8, DD 11) who live with us 5 nights of the week.

DP has 1 DD (3) who stays with us 1 night a week.

We have a baby on the way and are moving to a 5 bedroom house, which I'll be buying, just my name on the mortgage.

At the moment the boys share and if like them to have their own room each. They share a small room at their dad's house and are very much on top of each other, which means they bicker a lot. DD has her own small at our house and has a pop us bed at her dad's.

DP would like his DD to have her own room at the new house and for the boys to continue to share. She has her own room at her mum's house and I only stays with us one night a week.

We are planning to give the baby the smallest room.

Who is BU?

I think your idea of the DP's DD having the baby's room one night a week is a sensible solution. The baby will not care what colour or decor the room is. My DD1 slept in our room (1 bedroomed flat ) until she was 18 months old. DD2 shared her room wih unopened boxes from our move until she was a year old. It's not done them any harm You don't know how the children's relationships are going to develop. Who knows the your baby and dsc might end up being best of buddies and love the idea of sharing especially if there are bunkbeds involved. Good luck!

Let the youngest share - is that not the norm? She wont live her whole life without a sleepover.

Stop giving the OP a hard time when shes just asking for suggestions to fix something she knows it isnt working!

If it's set up as a shared bedroom from the outset, with the 3yo's bed and toys plus the baby's cot and toys, then there shouldn't be any resentment. You could let the 3 yo get involved in choosing colours for her part of the room, choose a bed etc ( maybe one of those cabin beds with a playspace underneath?)

Surely as long as she has a proper bed in a bedroom and shares only with DC/s close in age (and same gender, when older) then she should be fine?

Lots of children share bedrooms at in 'together' homes. It's not the end of the world.

I don't think people are shocked that she would have to share. Two of my DC share but it's the In Apporiate furniture that the 3 year old been given that has taken people by surprise when the rest of the family get the luxury of a comfortable bed.

Have the OP's children really just been referred to as "litter"?
Wtaf?

Your partner really needs to realise that his child is young enough to be able to learn to share.

Your boys are more in need of space than a preschooler and a baby, especially as the preschooler is only going to use the room once a week.

By the time said preschooler and baby are at a point where they need more space it's highly likely one of the older children will have moved out.

Why is this being made so complicated?

Baby in with you for 1st year then dsd and baby share. 11 year old can have the smaller room, lift bed etc. the older children need their own space. Ridiculous to squash everyone up and likely to lead to resentment. Lift conversion or extension inlong term.

Talk to your kids.

You have been given some good options, another would be to have the boys share but give them a second room as a playroom / guest room.Make this the biggest room in the house and partition a bed off with a curtain or shelves as in the picks from another poster or build a sleeping platform - when she is older, might not be great for a 3 year old..

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Have another bedroom for dsd and baby, but as others have said take the baby in with you when dsd is with you.

This allows for flexibility in the future if dsd stays more or if any child wants a sleepover.

She won't always be three, these arrangements do not need to be set n stone.

I agree that DSD and baby should share a larger room. However I would make it clear from the outset that it is a shared room and not baby's nursery. I also would keep baby in there when SD comes to stay; by the time baby will go in own room SD will be older. I think moving baby once a week will make SD feel isolated. As for travel cot, definitely not ideal at 3 but obviously changing soon to her own bed I hope.

Baby and DSD share, but give them a slightly bigger room though, not the smallest. Baby can sleep with you when she's over initially.

I also wondered if the "not settling" was also down to using a travel cot Op?

She will have a room, which is more than she has at present, but share with a baby possibly in the future.

I can't really see what's unreasonable about that.

I'm sure after a dip in your sex life due to sharing a room with a baby your DP might reconsider the whole room sharing as pretty reasonable going forward....

Always amazes me how quick people are to have more kids. You have four young children between you. I would imagine your dp's dd was only a baby when you got together. I would imagine whatever constellation bedrooms you come up with someone is going to feel left out. Also wondering what you'll do if DSD moves in with you 50/50? I think it is really important to plan ahead to ensure all children feel relaxed and welcome but I'm sure I'll be shouted down for my "won't someone think of the children" sentiment.

This child is already a second class citizen in her dad's house. Sleeping in the lounge in a travel cot was unacceptable about a year ago. It's been a long time since I last used a travel cot but iirc they used to not be recommended for children over the age of two.

And the fact this was her dad's suggestion is irrelevant. Anyone who has any consideration for the welfare of any child would have made a stand on this a long time ago.

giggleshizz no I agree. People are far too quick to jumping into having more children when the arrangements for the existing children are already inadequate.

And I can't believe anyone has actually said "your house your rules." With that attitude I imagine that bedrooms wouldn't be an issue for long as the relationship has no hope long-term...

In the meantime is it worth getting a ready bed or an airbed for her rather than a travel cot? My 3 yo can't fit in a travel cot and it would be murder on my back to lift him in and out. The ready bed is great though.

Kids do not need their own rooms but they do need consideration as to their age and development for different sex sharing. DD1 should get her own room, boys have been sharing and could continue despite fights etc - you could give them the biggest room and do something that helps divide it. 5yr old could share with 3yr old despite different sex. Baby could share with any of them whatever sex they are for at least a yr or so - even eldest DD for one night a week. I was the eldest of 6 kids brought up in a 4 bed house. At one point my Mum also looked after my twin cousins as babies for a few weeks. It was a def squash and a squeeze but you learn to deal with things and be reasonable about sharing. People not living in the house (ie her Mom and step Dad) should have no say whatsoever. And quite honestly if your house and you paying for it neither does her Dad, your decision at the end of the day.

Oh should also say you could also temp plaster board a divide in the largest room if it is big enough/has enough windows etc

What about a high sleeper with space underneath like other have suggested and put the babies big cot in the underneath space? So when baby moves into the big cot they share. I'd play up the DSD getting the 'big girl/big sister top bunk' and make a big deal of her having such a grown up bed and let her feel super important in terms of keeping baby company at night.

Like ' oh DSD we are so happy you are going to be sleeping beside 'baby' we know she will be so safe and happy with you sleeping on your big sister bed above her'

Just a thought.

FWIW when our second child comes along they will share a double room with DS1 who will be nearly 4 and we will have a spare room and a study (boxroom). If it's a girl then one or the other will move into the study room at some point. We have lots of visitors and need a spare room plus we can host visiting kids on air beds and similar in the shared bedroom

I agree giggleshizz I don't understand why this little girl has been factored into the family when planning further DC it seems impractical. If all DC were from both partners they would of considerated this in planning a fifth child. Most people would only have the adequate number of DC they could commodate for. I also agree with Wannabe she should of been made to sleep under these conditions in the first place.

Bloody hell! I can't believe some of the things I've read here, just because the OP has children from another relationship does not make her a wicked stepmother ffs and to refer to her children as a litter is disgusting.

So the current living arrangements aren't great but that's why the OP and DP are moving into a bigger house.

So OP I don't think you are BU I can't see why a 3yr old child who stays one night a week needs a room completely dedicated to them, whilst two other children who live in the house the majority of the time have to share - it doesn't make sense at all.

I would give your DD the bigger room with two single beds, try and spearate the space and then your daughter almost gets a "sofa" in her room and a bed for friends to stay in on the nights your step daughter isn't there. The pay off to your DD is that she gets a bigger room and your sons get a room each.

Then once baby is old enough the two little ones can share a room and your DD who will then be a bit older can get a room 100% of her own.

But for an entire bedroom to be reserved for a three year old is a little silly IMO.

Of course you could just go and purchase a mansion...

Who is paying for what is irrelevant.

It is absolute nonsense to keep a room for a child one night a week, when there are other children who could use that room on a permanent basis. If the three year old won't settle sharing a room (which I don't believe) then the three year old needs to be given some more help with her settling and sleeping habits.

But are we really debating what to do with 7 people in a five bedroomed house? I have a friend who is currently living in a Two bedroomed flat with her two children, one of whom has a profound disability. Neither the local council nor the housing association have a suitable property so for now, her and her husband sleep on the floor because her son needs a room that fits his bed and hoist and stores his wheelchair. That's a crisis.

What original said

I also agree with giggle - I find it hard to understand why people rush to have more children with a new partner when they already have four children between them and not enough bedrooms. I speak as a step child myself but I always had my own bedroom, as did my siblings; I just don't think it's fair to expect children to share, particularly with half siblings or children from their parents' new relationship. . What sort of message is it giving the child ............whatever the outcome she will feel less important & (and maybe a bit of an inconvenience with her bedroom requirements) than the OP's own children or the 'new' baby.