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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Play scheme worker forced DS into her car

638 replies

Longlost10 · 24/07/2016 23:42

My 8 yo DS is in a holiday playscheme, there are two workers there I know. I employ the first one to drive DS home for me at the end of the day. The second one is her boss.

Two days ago, the first one was called away by a family emergency, and unable to drive DS home. The second one made him get into her car against his will, and she drove him home.

I rang her up that night, very very angry. I have taught DS never to get into anyone's car without my express permission, even if he knows them. He was very distressed, and said he had tried to resist and argue, but she had irresistibly over ruled him and forced him in.

When I spoke to the second worker on Friday, she got very offended, and said she thought she was doing a favour for a friend. I am however going to make a formal complaint. She probably was a friend, of sorts, we have been using that play scheme for years,and got to know each other well.

Even so, AIBU to think she should have rung me, and given me the option of leaving work early as a one off emergency, or giving DS permission to get in her car

OP posts:
Iwantagoonthetrampoline · 25/07/2016 08:31

I'm confused. Who was your DS in formally the care of? The childminder as an individual or the company that run the playscheme? If the childminder, it is unforgivable that she just left him there without calling you. Phone charge is no excuse. It would have take 5 mins for her to sort something out to make a call. Was the arrangement for her to bring him home directly with her or via the playscheme? If directly with her then ditto. The playscheme also sounds very unprofessional and lax as should not have let her leave him without getting your permission first and should not have put him in the car without your permission. I'd be furious too. Complaints all round.

However, formally it's all via the company that runs the playscheme and she is just an employee, then I don't see that it's a problem that a different employee brought him back instead. Might have been wise to give you a call just out of curtesy though, in particular if it became obvious he was upset by the change of plan. But most importantly here, why the hell didn't they have your contact details? That absolutely warrants a complaint.

StealthPolarBear · 25/07/2016 08:32

Don't we all teach our children not to get into cars without permission?

StealthPolarBear · 25/07/2016 08:33

Diddl I expect if the op had been notified as soon as the emergency arose she could have been there at the usual finish time

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 25/07/2016 08:34

Don't we all teach our children not to get into cars without permission?

No. I would have been absolutely fine about any teacher at my children's school driving them as part of their employment.

Are you saying that, say, if your child fell over at school at hurt themselves, they should not be taken to A&E until you had been contacted and spoken to your child to give them permission to get in the car? Are you saying that your child should, if involved in an accident elsewhere, fight off the paramedic putting them into an ambulance?

RedHelenB · 25/07/2016 08:34

AndNowItsSeven - that's not what happened .

Pearlman · 25/07/2016 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Longlost10 · 25/07/2016 08:35

"No. I would have left work early and come to collect him myself"

Expecting her to wait with him until you got there?

she had 6 hours notice

I'm confused. Who was your DS in formally the care of? The childminder as an individual

yes, that's right, I have a separate contract with the childminder as an individual

OP posts:
Pearlman · 25/07/2016 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iloveowls2 · 25/07/2016 08:36

I'd be grateful tbh that he was looked after by someone you knew. I think you need to rethink your stranger danger message to DS. Where do you draw the line? What would happen if you were taken ill and couldn't give your permission. Maybe in the future use a password system and let the relevant people know. What if your child was ill and needed driving to hospital fri nursery etc. this woman was doing you a favour

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 25/07/2016 08:37

Oh, and employing on a personal basis someone whose main qualification is that they are currently doing some other job which dovetails is madness. For example, if you employed a teacher at your child's school to bring your child home, they would (rightly) find themselves having an ugly conversation with their headteacher, and there is a massively complex potential issue with insurance and liability if anything goes wrong.

If I were the playscheme leader in this situation I would refund you any outstanding money and ask you to make alternative arrangements for your child. Dubious arrangement with one of my staff plus too much hassle for me when it went wrong.

thisisafakename · 25/07/2016 08:37

50 odd years ago I was walking home from school with my brothers and a girl who lived nearby. It was raining. A car stopped and the girls next door neighbour, whom we all knew, and had known for years (in and out of garden, sweets on occasion etc.) offered us a lift. We refused, having been taught not to get in cars. However, the girl who was his neighbour accepted.
We were all seven. That bastard abused her for years

Totally different. You didn't know this man (even though your friend did). The OP's DS does know this woman very well and if she was going to abuse him (which by the way is a disgusting allegation to make), she would have ample opportunity at the playscheme.

Also, your friend was abused for years, suggesting that her getting into his car was neither here nor there as he obviously found other times to abuse her. it's also different where an adult cruises along, stops his car and tells kids to get in, rather than when a child blatantly needs a lift home and the adult offers. Obviously I wouldn't advocate getting into a car if you're just out playing and someone says get in. However, if you need to get somewhere and someone you know well offers to take you, then you should teach your child that that is fine but not if the child feels uncomfortable around that person. It's obviously horrific but having an extremely rigid approach as the OP does doesn't help prevent abuse and doesn't help the child develop social skills.

Pearlman · 25/07/2016 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 25/07/2016 08:38

No custodial. But in a non emergency situation (which this wasnt as the emergency happened earlier in rhe day) I would expect my children to know who is driving them. I have a friends' children today so I feel I have implied consent to drive them. If I saw children from my dcs school at a bus stop I'd expect them to refuse to get in my car if I offered a lift)

diddl · 25/07/2016 08:38

"Diddl I expect if the op had been notified as soon as the emergency arose she could have been there at the usual finish time"

Which is why the person who takes him home should have phoned Op immediately & let Op deal with it.

You can't just hand over your responsibility for a child to someone else.

KoalaDownUnder · 25/07/2016 08:38

I agree with everything 'thisisafakename* has said.

StealthPolarBear · 25/07/2016 08:39

Yes completely agree

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 25/07/2016 08:39

But in a non emergency situation (which this wasnt as the emergency happened earlier in rhe day)

That's an incredibly fine distinction for an eight year old to make.

thisisafakename · 25/07/2016 08:41

Sorry, re my last post, I saw that you did know the man who stopped, although presumably not well. I still think it's different. Most child abuse is inter-familial and the person you think would be the most trustworthy (ie Mum or Dad) turns out to be the harmful one. A better approach is to encourage children to be open with their parents about things that happen and to be warned that certain touching is always wrong etc.

Surely nobody is actually suggesting that the woman in this scenario was a potential abuser. It's just the mum getting her knickers in a twist for not having ultimate control of the situation.

StealthPolarBear · 25/07/2016 08:41

Yes. So he quite rightly erred on the side of caution.

Original poster
Longlost10 · 25/07/2016 08:42

Oh, and employing on a personal basis someone whose main qualification is that they are currently doing some other job which dovetails is madness no, its not like that, she is a long standing childminder, who happens to also do holiday playschemes. We use her on other occasions too.

There is an absolute rule that all children have to be taken from the playscheme premises by an adult. The playscheme is actually in my son't school, from where he catches the bus home alone every school day at the end of the day. I have asked that he be allowed to do this in the holidays too, but it is not allowed.

OP posts:
2nds · 25/07/2016 08:43

Worker no 1 should have called you and explained the situation.

StealthPolarBear · 25/07/2016 08:43

Ugh at knickers in a twist. Horrible way to describe someone who is concerned about a situation. highly doubt the woman was an abuser however she did not have the common sense to realise she was countering a basic safety rule the child had been taught and call the parent

afatalflaw · 25/07/2016 08:43

If anyone in a childcare setting shouted at my child I would be beyond livid, let alone forcing them to do something they had a very good reason to refuse to do. My children are 8 and 4 and the youngest at least is not equipped to deal with shades of grey over who to go home with if not me and DH. The fact that they didn't call to ask the OP is also worrying, she is the parent after all and should have a choice over who collects her child. Even if the caseworker was a really close friend of mine I would expect them to check with me and to respect and understand my child's anxieties.

I am amazed so many people would be so relaxed about this happening to their child. It is totally sending a wrong and dangerous message to that child.

callherwillow · 25/07/2016 08:44

If you have an arrangement with somebody to take your child home and they cannot do it, you do not just take it upon yourself to change the arrangements, you contact the child's carers and ask them if you can take the child home or would they rather do it.

It's common sense and it is that lack of common sense that I would find concerning. BTW, a teacher from a local school here was dismissed for gross misconduct for something similar. It does happen.

bearleftmonkeyright · 25/07/2016 08:45

I haven't rtft because most of the responses here are quite frankly irresponsible and go against good practice. Yanbu. What is the policy is the question i would be asking. The play worker was completely in the wrong and should have proper safeguarding training to keep herself and other children safe. I think this is appalling. Those who are calling you unreasonable are completely missing the point that it should never have happened and contravenes every safeguarding regulation and puts the whole scheme at risk if staff think this is OK.