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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Play scheme worker forced DS into her car

638 replies

Longlost10 · 24/07/2016 23:42

My 8 yo DS is in a holiday playscheme, there are two workers there I know. I employ the first one to drive DS home for me at the end of the day. The second one is her boss.

Two days ago, the first one was called away by a family emergency, and unable to drive DS home. The second one made him get into her car against his will, and she drove him home.

I rang her up that night, very very angry. I have taught DS never to get into anyone's car without my express permission, even if he knows them. He was very distressed, and said he had tried to resist and argue, but she had irresistibly over ruled him and forced him in.

When I spoke to the second worker on Friday, she got very offended, and said she thought she was doing a favour for a friend. I am however going to make a formal complaint. She probably was a friend, of sorts, we have been using that play scheme for years,and got to know each other well.

Even so, AIBU to think she should have rung me, and given me the option of leaving work early as a one off emergency, or giving DS permission to get in her car

OP posts:
Elisheva · 25/07/2016 07:57

Phone directory enquiries??? They should have all the details, to hand, accessible by all staff. They shouldn't be scrabbling around for a parent's number.

Udderz · 25/07/2016 08:00

You could always request (to the play scheme and your son) that your son phones you if such a situation should arise again.

The playleader unintentionally made a poor decision. She/he probably firmly nagged your son into the car. She won't do it again after your very very angry phonecall. What would a complain achieve? What do you want to happen OP?

Notagainmun · 25/07/2016 08:01

Keep an open mind about the family emergency - it might have been a a relative dying and the usual driver was so upset she just handed all responsibility to her boss who she knows and trusts. Yes the boss should have called you about the change of plan and given you the choice but she did put herself out for you.

If you complained I would ban my staff from giving lifts and not give you a place next holidays.

chicaguapa · 25/07/2016 08:01

I think the 2nd careworker is a red herring. OP's DS has been taught not to get in car with anyone unless told it's ok by his mum. That's the bottom line. It doesn't matter who was trying to get him into their car. He is 8. It's not up to him yet to judge whether it's ok to get in the car or not.

In that situation I would have expected a call so I could reassure him that it was ok to go in the car and get a lift home. I would not expect anyone to force him in it and upset him, not least the person who was supposed to be caring for him.

buffalogrumble · 25/07/2016 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Longlost10 · 25/07/2016 08:04

I think equally that the playleader could complain about your VERY VERY ANGRY phonecall.

it would be a bit silly of her to try, as others have pointed out her actions were a sackable offence, so I don't think she is going to be drawing attention to it in a hurry.

I have decided not to complain, and I have decided to withdraw DS immediately.

If she had apologised, or agreed what happened was wrong, it would be different, but I am very annoyed that this play scheme is run, and will presumably continue to run in such a slap dash, shoddy and unsafe way.

The second worker, who is in charge, seems to have no idea of basic child protection procedures.

I have, incidentally, had an apology from the first worker, who was under the impression I was going to be rung 6 hours before the actual pick up time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Longlost10 · 25/07/2016 08:05

annoyed is the wrong word, bothered, upset, worried, anxious would be better

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 25/07/2016 08:07

At least if you aren't working you don't have to find emergency childcare.

Udderz · 25/07/2016 08:08

Your son wasn't wrong to refuse. However the playleader was just being kind trying to help out and was probably exasperated with your sons refusal.

Original poster
Longlost10 · 25/07/2016 08:08

What do you want to happen OP?

I would have liked the second worker, (the boss of this playscheme) to have agreed the child protection procedures are inadequate, and to improve them. I don't think that is going to happen though

OP posts:
ilovetoloveyoubaby · 25/07/2016 08:09

Eh? The boss of the play scheme you send him to have him a lift home. By all accounts he knows her...why is this even an issue? YABU

Whatdotheclocksinthehallsay · 25/07/2016 08:09

I think you have had a hard time here. I thought everybody told their kids not to get in a car with someone without their parents permission (in our case my parents, brother and best friend are thr exception). Even if they didn't understand that surely when Ds refused common sense would have been to call you.

Dawndonnaagain · 25/07/2016 08:10

50 odd years ago I was walking home from school with my brothers and a girl who lived nearby. It was raining. A car stopped and the girls next door neighbour, whom we all knew, and had known for years (in and out of garden, sweets on occasion etc.) offered us a lift. We refused, having been taught not to get in cars. However, the girl who was his neighbour accepted.
We were all seven. That bastard abused her for years. op did the right thing, she is not overreacting and for those who think she is, just imagine your reaction had there been an incident on the news. All of you would be saying 'well didn't she teach him not to get into cars...'

Original poster
Longlost10 · 25/07/2016 08:10

At least if you aren't working you don't have to find emergency childcare yes, I'm only working three days a week max at the moment so we were only using the payscheme part time, and I have today to arrange something else. Otherwise I would have needed time off work.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 25/07/2016 08:10

Taking the lift element out of it for a second - if you feel the playscheme is run in an unsafe way (if you think the contact details issue is par for the course etc) then please do flag it up to the owner.

The lift thing is a matter of judgement, complicated by an unusual arrangement with worker1 and an emergency. Not having your DS's contact details to hand, no paper forms, no second member of staff to get a form from an office - they are are poor practise. You'd be well within your rights to mention to the owner that you were not happy that the staff member in charge seemed to have no access to the registration forms. That's a very fair thing to complain about. I'd hit the roof if registration forms weren't easily accessible at the playscheme I run - seriously so.

BoGrainger · 25/07/2016 08:11

Good learning curve here to make sure there are always contingency plans in place. I suspect that there were some crossed wires about whether op was informed of the change etc. If at the last moment ds was making a fuss about getting into the car it would have been frustrating if she had thought it was all sorted. Was he shouting 'I'm not getting in the car' or 'I'm not allowed to get in the car', it might have made a difference to her response.

Udderz · 25/07/2016 08:12

I don't think it is a sackable offence actually. I think management would talk things through with her and she would get a warning. They wouldn't want to loose an otherwise good worker

Udderz · 25/07/2016 08:16

Also the playleader may have been upset/worried/compassionate about her friends situation but I agree all phonenumbers should be to hand

lalalalyra · 25/07/2016 08:17

I don't think it is a sackable offence actually. I think management would talk things through with her and she would get a warning. They wouldn't want to loose an otherwise good worker

I think it would depend on how good the owner is and what her attitude was. I know at least one owner who would say "Happened after playscheme, nothing to do with us."

At the playscheme I'm at it would entirely depend on her attitude. If she said she realised she fucked up it would probably be a chat, not understanding where she went wrong would see her on a course, but 100% adamant she did nothing wrong would probably see her out (although if she didn't have kids' contact details to hand then she'd be out anyway before we even talked about the lift).

notquitegrownup2 · 25/07/2016 08:21

Can't believe the responses you have here OP. I have worked with children for years as a volunteer and in paid roles and it is a basic safeguarding rule that you never take a child in your car alone.

I would also be extremely concerned about the manager's ability to work with children if her - probably tired, end of the day - method of working with children is to trap them in a corner and shout until they do what she wants.

Never mind her inability to contact you! Shock

Pearlman · 25/07/2016 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlotterOfPlots · 25/07/2016 08:22

Coming back to this, it's really not on for a playscheme to have no access to all parents' numbers all day because someone's phone is out of charge.
That is the sort of thing Ofsted checks - it's an absolute basic when you're operating childcare.

thisisafakename · 25/07/2016 08:27

Seriously. OP, you need to take a long hard look at yourself and also get a huge grip. This is someone you KNOW and who is employed (and DBS checked) in a childcare role. You also need to relax your extremely rigid rules with your DS and instead teach him to be sensible. Yes, it's actually fine on the whole to get into cars with people that you know well, even if mummy hasn't given you express permission. You can get a lift home with friends' parents that you know well, with teachers and friends of your parents. You should not get into the car with strangers. When will this ridiculous attitude stop? Will he always have to get your permission or do you foresee a day when you might loosen your grip?

The abuse thing is ludicrous. Abuse is usually carried out by someone known to the child rather than a stranger. It is JUST as likely to be someone who you HAVE said he could travel with who is abusive. This worker is a woman who is presumably qualified, looks after your child all day, was doing you a favour and you have self-centred audacity to make a thinly veiled accusation that you are not happy for her to give your DS a ride in her car.

You aren't making your kids any safer by doing this. You are just breeding mistrust. When I was at school, I frequently got lifts with parents of friends, teachers, neighbours etc. Would my mum raise almighty hell? Would she fuck- she would THANK them. Once my friends and I cycled to the beach, 3 miles away and then got a puncture. We were going to have to walk home but luckily the mum of some boys from our school spotted us, bundled the bikes into her car and drove us all home, out of her way. Your attitude and methods are breeding a huge atmosphere of mistrust.

diddl · 25/07/2016 08:28

"No. I would have left work early and come to collect him myself"

Expecting her to wait with him until you got there?

callherwillow · 25/07/2016 08:29

It is a sackable offence, actually.

It is up to individual companies to decide whether or not it might be, but anything that compromises safeguarding is gross misconduct.