Play scheme worker forced DS into her car

[Longlost10]

My 8 yo DS is in a holiday playscheme, there are two workers there I know. I employ the first one to drive DS home for me at the end of the day. The second one is her boss.

Two days ago, the first one was called away by a family emergency, and unable to drive DS home. The second one made him get into her car against his will, and she drove him home.

I rang her up that night, very very angry. I have taught DS never to get into anyone's car without my express permission, even if he knows them. He was very distressed, and said he had tried to resist and argue, but she had irresistibly over ruled him and forced him in.

When I spoke to the second worker on Friday, she got very offended, and said she thought she was doing a favour for a friend. I am however going to make a formal complaint. She probably was a friend, of sorts, we have been using that play scheme for years,and got to know each other well.

Even so, AIBU to think she should have rung me, and given me the option of leaving work early as a one off emergency, or giving DS permission to get in her car

[GardeningWithDynamite]

Gosh - poor you and your poor DS. That was not a nice thing to happen. Definitely worth a complaint, even if there are consequences for the play workers. That was extremely poorly handled. What was she thinking? An 8 year old should not be forced into anyone's car whether they are known to them or not.

Obviously the play worker should have known that he'd been told not to get into anyone else's car. He wasn't being "naughty" to refuse. Surely she should realise that shouting at him and coercing him would distress him because that's exactly what someone who meant him harm would do?

Someone who had permission to take him home would have confirmed it with his parents so in his eyes he probably "failed" to resist going in someone else's car when he shouldn't. 8 is too young to make judgement calls about whether "this" person is ok and "that" person is not.

[GardeningWithDynamite]

x -post. I'd definitely mention it even if you don't make a formal complaint. It shows a complete lack of awareness of his reaction. Teaching him not to get in someone's car without permission was not wrong.

[YABVVU]

The parent that wants that much control should be there to collect them then, not relying on others.

^

This with bells on!!!

[elodie2000]

I'm glad you won't be sending your child back there OP.
I'm sure they can do without you.

Out of interest, what would your answer have been if she had phoned you? Would you have given permission for her to take your child home?

I bet I know the answer...

[lalalalyra]

I'm going to change position slightly. I would speak to them because there should have been absolutely no difficulty in finding your number. I wouldn't complain formally (yet), but I would clarify with her why she couldn't get your number.

There should be written forms that you've signed easily accessible, they shouldn't be relying on electronic devices [also if the phone was a playscheme contact phone it should have been fully charged and topped up, if it was her own personal phone that's not an acceptable way to store contact numbers - what would she have done without your DS's form if she'd got to your house and you weren't in?]. Also why couldn't she go to the other room? Was she the only staff member left at the end because there should have been at least two until every child had been collected - if she was alone with your DS then they could have gone to the other room without it being any more or less issue laden than staying in that room then going to her car.

Once you get the answers to those questions then you can decide if you should mention it to the owner (the contact numbers thing is a big issue imo), but be prepared that they would still only react by banning staff from having private arrangements with parents. Although they can have trouble enforcing that it's actually easily done - we're voluntary and we have it by having staff/volunteers session lasting 10 minutes longer than the children's session and only children who reside with the volunteer (that night or the night before to get around step-children who are not resident) are allowed to sit at the table while we finish up - it would be very easy with paid staff.

[lalalalyra]

Not having access to your contact details (and therefore presumably his medical details) is (potentially) a much, much bigger issue than the lift thing.

[Longlost10]

Out of interest, what would your answer have been if she had phoned you? Would you have given permission for her to take your child home?

No. I would have left work early and come to collect him myself

[HeffalumpHistory]

Really??

[cexuwaleozbu]

I get where you are coming from op and yanbu to be angry but a letter of complaint to the playscheme is inappropriate. The second person in your op was nor acting in her capacity as a playscheme employee when the incident occurred. Your complaint and your anger are better directed at person one, who had this responsibility but who delegated to someone inappropriate and uninsured without talking to you or considering that this would be a problem. Your compassion for the fact that person one had a family emergency has led you to direct your anger elsewhere, but perhaps it would be better to let your compassion instead let you turn your angry complaint into explaining calmly to person one that in future (if they ever look after DS again) you expect to be contacted if there is ever a change of plan like that, no matter how simple and obvious the planned solution.

[KoalaDownUnder]

Just so I've got this straight: you are teaching your son, at the age of 8, to never get in a car with anyone unless you have explicitly told him 'You may get in the car with X?'

Does that include:

Relatives (aunts? Uncles?)
Parents of friends
Teachers
Police officers

?

[Elisheva]

YANBU and anyone who has had any sort of child protection training will know that. People seem to be overlooking the fact that she intimidated your son into doing something he didn't want to do. That is never okay, regardless of the situation, and a person who works with children should know that.

[Udderz]

From the play leaders perspective, she did you/your DS a huge favour at the end of a very long tiring day where she had been operating one playworker down. Yes she should have phoned and got you to speak to DS (or what ever) but she obviously was time short and doing the work of two people. Playschemes are busy places, even grabbing a break can be problematic sometimes! She may have had to drive quite a detour to drop him off and has already been at receiving end of your VERY VERY ANGRY phonecall. I think that is enough, don't make an official complaint. You have already made your opinion very clear in quite a destructive way, when actually could have resolved the issue in a productive manner. She just used firm language to direct him into the car and blocked his escape with her arm. As the adult in charge of the playscheme, she was clearly acting in his interest, even though it wasn't the smoothest transition. She probably had personal commitments and needed to get off as her long work day had ended. She probably didn't have time to hang around and wait for you. She knows to phone you next time instead.

[Longlost10]

He has a list of relatives and friends he can get into the car with, and he can obviously get into a police car.

[OohMavis]

I feel like I've stepped into a parallel world

What harm was your child possibly going to come to in a trusted adult's car, someone he knows very well, who looks after him every day who was just trying to drive him home to you? What does insurance have to do with it, surely that's a risk she was taking and had no implications at all wrt to your son's safety.

And if she'd tried to seek your permission you'd have left work early to drive him home yourself? Are you generally paranoid about him being in cars or...?

The only thing I see as dodgy here is the fact she allegedly shouted at him. I see how it would have been really bloody frustrating to have an older child obstinately refuse to do something but yeah, shouting's not on. That should be addressed.

Though, maybe since she was going out of her way to do both you and your childminder a favour she was running late or something, and your DS obstinately refusing to get into the car would have been highly annoying.

[Longlost10]

There was an incident last year when a road was closed, and the bus route blocked, and a deputy head kindly popped several children into his car and drove them to the place the bus had been diverted to, however each child rang and informed their parents first, before getting into the car.

[chicaguapa]

YANBU. I agree with PP that it's unacceptable to force a child to do something they have been taught by their parents they shouldn't do, especially by a childcare practitioner who should know better.

Re not having access to your number, what would they have done if it was what they would class as a real emergency and they needed to contact you?

Lots of concerns there about how the play scheme is being run tbh which need addressing.

Shame on the PP for mocking and questioning the OP's stance on who he should get into a car with. There's nothing wrong at all with teaching your DC how to stay safe.

[elodie2000]

So , you would have left work to collect your child had you known
?
To avoid your child having to take a lift from the dodgy play worker you happily left him with that very morning?

[KoalaDownUnder]

Oh well, righto then.

There is some deep-seated paranoia about cars here that I'm not getting. A child can spend all day in the care of an adult that his parent knows and (presumably) trusts, but has to make a special phone call as soon as a car is involved?

Bizarre.

[YorkieDorkie]

I would imagine that if you formally complain, she will likely lose her job. Is that the outcome you feel she deserves? I'm not getting into whether you're BU or not.

[Phineyj]

I think do take up the issue of the contact numbers and phones in a calm way. The numbers should also be held centrally so all parents can be called if there is some sort of major incident. When we take students out at school, we are always given a charged school phone and contact numbers on paper in case we need to contact an individual parent.

Regarding the worker, she does need a child protection refresher but I suspect the play scheme owner also needs to sort out phones and contact numbers, possibly also timings and ratios. However, she was trying to be helpful I think. I would be telling my DC that most people are good and she was trying to get him home, even if the way she went about it was wrong.

[Elisheva]

What harm was you child going to come to...
The point is we don't know what harm our children could come to, or actually we do which is why we put safeguarding measures into place.
The OP has taught her son not to get into a car without checking with her first, which is the correct thing to do as children are unable to make judgement calls as to if a situation is safe. I role play this with my kids and one of the situations I use is the person telling them that I am sick and so they had to pick them up.
A child being in the care of a play scheme with lots of other adults and kids around is very different to being alone in a car, and the fact he refused but she still forced him is uncceptable. I would be complaining.

[Udderz]

The VERY VERY ANGRY phonecall was enough to make your opinion clear. Maybe it was just poor organisation on the part of the playleader. She may have completely forgotten that he gets driven home and then tried to resolve the issue last minute. There obviously won't be a repeat of this. Maybe you could give written/emailed instructions to the playscheme about what to do next time in order to avoid a repeat.

I think equally that the playleader could complain about your VERY VERY ANGRY phonecall.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

I think a little gratitude is more in order; she was doing you a favour. If she is the boss of this play scheme, how come your son does not know her? You expected her to phone you and then wait while you got permission to leave and came to collect your child, at the end of her working day.
Obviously you will be removing your son and finding a place for him elsewhere.

[Wolfiefan]

So the play worker who's was supposed to give your child a lift gets a call that a family member has been admitted to hospital. Instead of racing off to be by their side you expect them to call you and get your permission first.
The boss offers to help their colleague out. You really expected them to call directory enquiries for your number and then sit and wait for you to show up?
Wow. Entitled.
The only real issue is the boss didn't have a charged phone with credit so no access to numbers and maybe shouted at your child.

[Notso]

I have worked as a nursery nurse, TA and in a play scheme.
It is basic safe guarding for the staff not to put themselves in the position described in the OP.
Your details should have been on paper as well as on her phone. I don't understand why she couldn't use the landline. You should have been contacted to explain the situation.
My daughter was supposed to go with three other pupils to an inter-school event in their mini bus, it would not start. The head teacher decided to take the children in his car. The secretary phoned the children's parents to check this was ok, one child's parents couldn't be contacted so he had to miss the event. It is a standard procedure to protect both children and staff.