Play scheme worker forced DS into her car

[Longlost10]

My 8 yo DS is in a holiday playscheme, there are two workers there I know. I employ the first one to drive DS home for me at the end of the day. The second one is her boss.

Two days ago, the first one was called away by a family emergency, and unable to drive DS home. The second one made him get into her car against his will, and she drove him home.

I rang her up that night, very very angry. I have taught DS never to get into anyone's car without my express permission, even if he knows them. He was very distressed, and said he had tried to resist and argue, but she had irresistibly over ruled him and forced him in.

When I spoke to the second worker on Friday, she got very offended, and said she thought she was doing a favour for a friend. I am however going to make a formal complaint. She probably was a friend, of sorts, we have been using that play scheme for years,and got to know each other well.

Even so, AIBU to think she should have rung me, and given me the option of leaving work early as a one off emergency, or giving DS permission to get in her car

You taught him well, children are more likely to be harmed by someone they know and mine were not allowed to go with anyone (other than a select few) unless they knew our 'password' (this was pre-mobile phones)

You are right, they are more likely to be harmed by someone they know. And indeed someone who has regular close contact with them. So in fact much more likely that they would be harmed by the 'select few' you had said it was OK for them to go with. If this woman was an abuser of some sort, surely she would try wheedle herself in closer (by offering babysitting or something) than just randomly offering a lift in a genuine situation?

A lot of child abuse is by relatives, grandparents, parents. But I bet all of the people saying OP is NBU would have no problem with your kids getting lifts with uncles, granddad etc.

The no lifts thing won't prevent abuse. Encouraging children to be open will. Teaching kids that you can't trust the vast majority of people will not help them. In fact, it can then be even more confusing for a child when abuse does happen because their parents had told them that this person was 'safe'.

I can see why you are cross but I do think it's the childminder's fault, as she is the one employed to take your DS home, so it is she who should have ensured that an alternate arrangement was agreed with you before she left. She shouldn't have left that to the second worker. So I'm not sure I'd be using her again either.

Pearlman - Safeguarding is a set of prinicples rather than regulations. However, IME, many organisations try to produce lists of rules which they expect from their staff, to translate those principles into simple to follow ruIes. I was given a code of conduct when volunteering for a local organisation, produced by the organisation. It stated clearly that no volunteer, insured or not, should give a lift to a child in their care.

Bloody hell, I know your childminder had upsetting news but this is the kind of thing that can ruin your business. She really failed in her duty of care, not informing her co worker of your situation and not informing you of the change in plans.

He doesn't get the bus home. The child minder drops him off!!!!!! Clearly the op doesn't have a car!!!!

If I'm not home, she normal comes in with him, rings me to see where i am, then goes if I'm only a few stops away on the bus

You leave an 8 year old home alone.......

That's fucking stupid and far more outrageous and dangerous than a play scheme boss giving him a lift.
What if your bus broke down? What oif there was an accident?

Your moaning about a woman that works with children giving your child a lift and yet your happy to put your child at miuch greater risk without thinking about it.

Www.gripsrus.com... I believe they have a sale and next day delivery.

sorry, that was in answer to Bograinger asking this:

Op, what did you think when you saw ds get out of the car? Were you cross at that point that no one had phoned you? Were you cross with ds for getting in a car without your permission? Or was it only when you were told about the 'forcing' that you got annoyed?

lots of cross posts

No, bear, he usually gets the bus home. Except when he's at this Childcare program.

Where is this laid out as being specifically not allowed?

Surely depends on the rules you work under? Our rules state categorically that no member of staff should ever allow a situation to occur where they are alone in a space with a child. So they'd have broke ours (although in this specific situation this is where my point about blurry lines comes in. I'm not sure where they'd be on the rules if they technically weren't with a child under playscheme care at that point because the session had finished for the day).

Longlost Your childminder's actions have actually left me gobsmacked. She leaves a child alone in your house? That goes against everything... I bet she has a collection policy that she shows Ofsted and that won't be in it. She should also have a policy for situations like happened.

Honestly, and we get shit from parents who wouldn't dream of using 'volunteers' and you've got paid professionals leaving kids home alone and not holding contact details.

As an aside, are men ever described as getting their pants in a twist? Ime it's designed to put women dowb

Koala

You can think it's bananas.

You can choose to do differently for YOUR kids.

The op does not. She is not posting about the choices she makes as a parent. She is posting because those choices were ignored and undermined.

The point here is not that OP necessarily feels her son was in any immediate danger. The problem is, there are people who will exploit the fact that they are known to the family and to the child quite easily. It is not difficult and indeed has (and will) happen that a kid aged between 8 and 11 is out, riding their bike and a neighbour, family friend, whoever, pulls over - 'd'you want a lift?'

Now it is MUCH easier for a child to be taught to cheerily shake their head and say 'aw, sorry, Mum's taught me not to get in a car with anyone but her and Dad (and granny or whoever).' than the endless 'if you are run over and are dying in the road it's okay to go off with the paramedic, but ...'

This young man has been taught this message and taught it well, and it's a positive and strong message. It is not comparable to getting on a bus as buses with the only passenger being an eight year old boy - at around five o clock in the afternoon is safe to say unlikely.

The point is NOT that he was in any danger but that this event compromised a message he had received in the past which could potentially put him in danger in the future.

I wonder if the OP's taxi company has a child protection policy

it is not a taxi company, it is a childminder I have a legal, formal and longstanding contract with, a contract that predates the playscheme.

You leave an 8 year old home alone....... That's fucking stupid and far more outrageous and dangerous than a play scheme boss giving him a lift.
What if your bus broke down? What oif there was an accident?

OK, I have heard it all now. This is clearly about the OP controlling the situation rather than her DS's safety. Otherwise there is NO WAY she would leave an 8-year old home alone even if she is 'only a few stops away'.

You leave an 8 year old home alone.......

sometimes, for 5-10 minutes, if the childminder needs to gt off fast, it has happened. I'm not saying it has NEVER happened, probably about 3 times this year, however in practice, I am normally home first, or CM stays for a natter.

However, never when there are builders in

I think I'd be annoyed that a simple phone call or text wasn't made to inform of change of plan.
I'd be annoyed that my child was made to feel uncomfortable, both by the car thing and the sitting in builders rubble thing.
HOWEVER, nothing bad did happen AND I'd take some responsibility for embedding a slightly OTT reaction to the car thing in my child.
I would be having a quiet word with my childminder about what I'd like to happen should a situation like this arise again and I'd be modifying what I tell my child so that they don't get quite so hysterical about who they can go where with.

If I'm not home, she normal comes in with him, rings me to see where i am, then goes if I'm only a few stops away on the bus.

Eh, what if the bus crashes before you get home? This, surely is as likely as someone you have known for years snatching him from playscheme or abusing him as she drives him home??

However, I still think the playscheme did the wrong thing. As catkind says, they should have non-collection procedures. In school if a child is left and no person cleared to collect the child can be contacted you phone social services to collect them- you would not let them go with anyone else, staff or otherwise. Playscheme should have followed their procedure for this.

Pearlman

Let's suppose at a local primary school there is an arrangement for a child to be dropped off at the end of the day by Sarah's mum.

Sarah's mum can't do it, so the teacher decides to do it instead. The child becomes upset and the teacher gets angry and frustrated with the child.

Would you say that's acceptable?

It's standard practise to pay a child minder for pick up and drop off from play scenes etc. Same as for school.

As the child caree works at the scheme is a nice easy little earner.

Imo it's no different to if she didn't work there, had the emergency and sent someone different to collect the ops child, without informing the op, the child adaqautely, or the replacement well enough.

The op has in no way been negligent in care for her child. The childminder has. Nobody was doing the op a favour at all, I don't see why she should be grateful.

Even if on occasion the minder leaves him for five minutes when the op is five minutes away.

are men ever described as getting their pants in a twist?

I would use exactly the same expression (knickers in a twist) to a man. it's an expression which suggests overreaction. In fact, the word hysterical is then also anti-woman as are many other expressions. I am a woman myself and i can assure you my comment was not intended to be sexist. If a dad had posted the same, I would accuse him of getting his knickers in a twist. It's not literal, you know- just like bee in bonnet etc.

Also I don't know about others schools, but at ours the parent is always informed and permission requested for a child to go in a teachers car. Even in the event of emergency.

callher, it's a discussion forum.

The OP can be upset about 'the choices she makes as a parent' being 'undermined', but the rest of us are entitled to point out that we think her choices were illogical/inconsistent in the first place.

Not the "rest of us". Some of us. I think the ops choices were logical and consistent.

Tricky one. My children would not (hopefully!) get into anyones car that they don't know, and I do see your point, they could have rung you, and it makes a bit of a mockery of this all. However, instead of bulling ahead with a formal complaint which would cause nothing but bad feeling (and hey, ain;t there enough of that crap in this world???) have a meeting, discuss your worries, discuss your annoyance, and why your son was upset, and see how it can be made better for next time. I am sure she thought she was doing what was best by making sure your son was safely taken home, so don't penalise her for getting it a bit wrong, just lt them know how that can change things to make them better for next time. x