To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

Op it sounds like your mum is being incredibly insensitive gloating that she met your dd first and that you didn't give birth properly. No wonder you feel upset by the photos.

I think you should let it lie but purely for your own peace of mind. It sounds like your mum enjoys winding you up and "controlling" your feelings.

You are dd's mum, the one who grew her in your body and risked your life to bring her into the world. She knew your voice, your smell and the rhythm of your heartbeat before she saw a single person. Nothing can take that away from the two of you.

I've not read all the comments but I cannot believe some of the negative comments that have been posted. Those photos symbolise so much to you, the worst moments of your life, the time that you spent your pregnancy looking forward to - stolen from you. And your Mum has those photos out, on display, as a constant reminder of your trauma. I think you may regret it if you asked for them all to be deleted, but I think it is completely reasonable of you to ask that those horrific memories are not on display for you to be reminded off. I've no idea how best you could have that conversation - could you say how much those photos upset you, and ask that they are put away? If they refuse, you could ask why they want to upset you so much? I also recommend trying to get some therapy for birth trauma or at least some kind of debrief. I had a similar experience (but without GA) and I get it

I was completely puzzled by why you would care about it TBH, then I read your mum is flaunting them in front of you, that would annoy me. Several people met both of mine before me but I'm not bothered at all, but they don't use it to hurt me.

I just read your DD is 7 months old.

It really does sound like you need birth trauma counselling, if being reminded of the first few hours of your DD's life still causes you so much pain.

It is not normal and you shouldn't be left to suffer like this.

I thought DD's traumatic birth was behind me but broke down years later when pregnant for the second time. Definitely get professional help.

an attitude of 'well I didn't feel like this, I can't possibly understand why everybody isn't like meeeeeeeee'.

I agree. MN shouldn't be a competition for who is least bothered by other people being inconsiderate. I'm sure there are things which the OP wouldn't be bothered by, which some of the "get a grip" people on here would be. OP you are in no way being "selfish".

I think the op's problem is she thinks she has missed something amazing, very important and probably her bond would maybe better with her child than what she has now.

In this case I blame the constant bombardment that all mums must have skin to skin contact as soon as the baby is born. If you don't, you risk not bonding with your child. For some women this plays up their anxiety and when it does not happen it makes things many times worse. In the leaflets and booklets hope that they say sometimes things might not go to plan. It should be advisory and not must done thing.

Most important thing first is getting out child birth alive. Everything else onwards is what you work on.

Quencher - i think that the view that "your child's alive, deny any feelings you are having and be grateful"is equally as damaging tbh.

Wondering why your family got to meet baby before you?

As a child (age 5) I got to meet my sister before my mum did, traumatic birth, Mum was too poorly to go and see sister, sister too poorly to go and see mum.

Try and focus on the positives (that you are both happy and well now) and relish the fact you can look back on the pictures of the brief time that you missed together.

Totally and utterly BU. I can understand your distress that other people saw your daughter before you did BUT...
deleting photos is NOT going to change that fact. It simply erases your issue rather than dealing with it.

It seems you have some issues/trauma with the birth and urge you to seek a counsellor or have a de-brief of the events leading up to the birth, the birth and aftercare.

PS: I have experience of a traumatic birth when both me and DS nearly lost our lives, so I know how raw it must feel.

Actually 'erasing' is the wrong word; rather burying it or wrapping it in a band-aid. Old wounds resurface.

It sounds as though it was a traumatic birth. Could you talk it through with someone? It's not too late to have a debrief. If it really upsets you I would ask them, but really you have to wonder why you're so upset by it

You might not have been the first to meet your DD after she was born but you were certainly the first to know her. You carried her for months and grew every little bit of her. Maybe it would be helpful to try and shift your perspective on it? Nobody can take away the fact you are her Mother and the single most important person in the world to your DD.

Especially not by a few hours of cuddles through which your baby was almost certainly asleep!

I can relate to having a difficult and unpleasant mother.

The older I get, the more I realise that people who grow up in healthy families can never really understand - it's such a crucial fundamental relationship, and to have someone over you who's like a child themselves, who relishes moments like these, is so desperately unpleasant and destructive that it can cross into abusive parenting. Mine certainty did (and does).

Congratulations on your little one OP. If your mum is in fact usually a nice caring person, and this is a weird blip, why not ask her to put the photos away - explain how it reminds you of the terrible experience. I can't think of a single caring person who wouldn't "get" that.

If she isn't, you might still be able to emotionally blackmail her into it asking her politely in front of independent family witnesses who are ready to back you up, because she'll want to be putting on the Good Mother Act. Practice what you'll say first of course...

Getting over an unwarranted flaming, I imagine NavyandWhite.

OP - your feelings are real, and valid. Definitely take the advice of PPs, and get some counselling; you probably realise already that the photo issue is representative of your wider trauma.

to you - you don't deserve the unfeeling, harsh response you've had from some people here.

OP, think about how you will feel in the future if your own daughter is so offended that you have looked at your own grandchild?

YANBU - I am sorry you had such a traumatic time. Present your parents with new pictures and tell them they can keep the earlier photos to themselves. Take care of yourself OP x

Navy the OP must be off getting a grip like many of you wanted

OP many posters are ignoring the fact that your mother uses those photos to intentionally make you feel like shit about something you had no control over. YANBU and I hope you find a way to deal with it.

Do you think a distressed woman does a strict pro and con post count?? I would think some would loom large...

B&Qs shares must be through the roof the rate you fuckers are giving out grips. I weap for humanity.

Curbside I agree, poor OP has probably had enough of being told that a traumatic birth and twisted mother are no excuses for feeling negative by some of the posters on here.

Talk about kick a person when they're down

Honestly, I hope that people are kinder in real life to those who have experienced a traumatic birth, than they are when they're sitting safely behind their keyboards.

Hi op- I had to go into surgery for a couple of hours after my first was born and I hated being away from him for what felt like so long. Obviously your situation was a lot more traumatic than mine but I totally understand where you're coming from.
For whatever reason some posters aren't understanding that people can have a wide range of emotional reactions to a traumatic birth and seem to think that just because they wouldn't have minded then you shouldn't too.
Yanbu but I don't really know what you can do or say about it - sorry.