To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

Op I think I would feel exactly the same way. I am disappointed the staff let your parents facetime other family I would be saying this is inappropriate if it were me. I don't allow wider family in to see babies before the mum unless they are birth partners or it has been agreed in advance. I really feel for you

navy my sons birth was traumatic for me enough, if the cherry on the cake was that someone saw him before me, then yes it would've. I'm sorry for your loss, but that is my feelings on my specific labour

We don't always understand other people's feelings because they can be so alien to our own - I also had an EMCS, my DH was told that both me and our baby could die, I certainly didn't have skin to skin contact, or any sight of my DS until I came round from the GA - when I did come round I was in theatre with the surgeon and another patient - my DH had asked to be told when I came round so that he could tell us what the baby was (we had chosen not to know before). But he wasn't there and in the end the surgeon told me himself ............. I have no idea how long it was until I saw my DS - but I am just grateful that both us came through the operation alive.

I don't want to trivialise the OP's feelings as this is obviously a big deal for her but what is really going to be gained by removing the original photos?

I also had an EMCS under general anaesthetic and I can empathize with your feelings about missing out on that initial time with your baby. I didn't wake up well either - although I met DS about an hour after he was born (and happily he was fine immediately he was born) I kept coming in and out of consciousness for the next several hours so everything is very hazy. DH got to meet him about 20 mins after he was born and held him and talked to him while I was still in theatre. What I found helpful afterwards was talking over and over it with DH and asking him to tell me what it was like meeting DS for the first time. (We still do this occasionally and DS is now 2.5). I also love looking at his first pictures though DH didn't take any till he was a couple of hours old. I have kind of imagined the rest of the bits I missed for myself and accepted that that will have to do. I would've loved any earlier photos still to give reality to some of that. Obviously your experience was different and coloured by your relationship with your DM - I wish I could say something helpful about that (I also have a DM who can be difficult, and there is no way I wanted her near the hospital at that stage). I think I personally would like to have the photos, but YANBU for wanting her to do with them what is helpful for you rather than using them as some sort of trophy. Basically you have to do what feels most useful to you to make sense of what happened - it's still early days and especially with the right support it will become less scary to think about. I'm sorry that your DM is dismissing your feelings.

thumbelina, YAofcourseNBU to feel how you feel.

BUT - if you engage in some kind of 'fight' over these photos you will feed your mother's controlling tendencies.
Let it go.
Seek some specialist counselling for everything that you have been through.

Remind yourself that how you gave birth/when you met your DD/whenever you took a first photo of her is a teeny, weeny, TINY part of being her mother.
You are her mother.
You are the centre of her universe.
Your mother is NOT and she is trying to claw back some of the limelight.

Why can not every take care to note that the OP's feelings are about far more than the actual photos?? It's fairly obvious.

Fwiw, my DS2 was delivered at 31 weeks by emCS, I have no idea who took the first photo/s of him (there is one of me in a wheelchair visiting him for the first time in NICU and I look like death warmed up - I have NO recollection who took it) but I do know that I now relish every one of them. DS2 is now 12 yo.

for you, thumbelina.

Firstly I am sorry you had such a bad experience, I can't imagine not seeing my baby the second they were born. As I read this, my initial reaction is that I would be furious with my DH if he'd allowed ANYONE to see my baby before i had, but then I know that he wouldn't have allowed that. You gave birth, nurtured your baby and it's perfectly reasonable that you wanted to see her before family. Having said that, I also think that you can't change it, and all I would make sure is that if you have any future children, have some rules in place that DH is very aware of (and the rest of the family). To take photos knowing you hadn't met her was a bit tasteless to say the least. What's the saying about you can't chose your family.............!!

ragwort but if it makes the OP feel even a little better isn't that worth it?

Sorry that was a mega long post! It's interesting though to read how people have felt differently about similar experiences - hopefully that will help OP get some perspectives on how she's feeling.

ignore the many idiots/trolls/sad little f**kson here. Birth trauma is a terrible thing that can only be really understood when u have gone through it. It's not just a traumatic few hours it can affect you for years, leave you with feelings of guilt cos your have spent 9months being told how easy/natural it is, lonely as you don't want to admit your feelings to others, jealousy that other people seem to have had a much easier time and hopelessness that you can't see things getting better. I'd you feel like this in any way you could be suffering PTSD or pnd.

I know exactly where you are coming from OP and I can't believe people think you are BU. I think it's terrible that your Mum thought she should see baby before you'd woken up, if that was my DD and GD I'd wait for my daughter to wake up before seeing the baby. And as for FaceTiming to show even more relatives? Your Mum has totally disrespected you and at such a traumatic time. I'm so sorry for you and I hope you can make her change the photos in her house.

Hi, I've PM's you about this X

I think you just have to put the photos business behind you and be grateful for the fact that you and your DD are here, alive and healthy and that, at the end of every day, it's you that can hold your DD, give her hugs and tuck her up in her cot to sleep with cuddles and kisses.

I totally get where you are coming from. Your mother is evil. Do get a birth debrief - it will help so much.

Do you have the sort of relationship with your parents where you could explain how you feel (which is entirely understandable - cannot believe the casual cruelty of some posts on here), and ask your parents to keep the photos safe for when you are ready to look at them. I have a photo of a squashed looking baby DS held by his father that I find a bit disconcerting still, as by the time I remember seeing DS, he had lost the squashed brand new look. He is now 15. I get it.

OP, I feel quite emotional reading your post. I too had a traumatic birth with DS, and I really struggled with the fact that my ex had spent those first precious few hours with him. I felt incredibly jealous and also insecure about how well I would bond with my little one as a result. I found it difficult to express these feelings to my ex, and actually found myself completely taking over the care of my son once we got him home and essentially pushing my partner away. I was eventually able to confide in a wonderful HV, who really helped me. I think your mother is being quite insensitive.

I think part of the wider problem is that we 'advertise' birth to expectant mothers as some kind of magical experience; and when like for the OP things don't go to plan they end up traumatised because reality didn't live up to expectations. OP YANBU at all to feel the way you do. There is some excellent advice upthread about support for birth trauma, and I hope you are able to access it. I'm really sorry that your own mother is being so much less than supportive over this. Unfortunately we can't change other's actions, only our own reactions. Best of luck for the future OP, for you and your DD. x

God I fucking hate this place sometimes. No one here would say this stuff to you in RL OP, ignore them. Bunch of fucking unfeeling arseholes seem to occupy AIBU.

YANBU at all. It was a hugely traumatic time for you and its not surprising at all that you don't want to be reminded of that, particularly around the relatives that should look out for you the most.

Any mother would want to be the first to meet their own baby, I'd love to see any mother say "oh no, I didn't give a shit, I'd much rather be elsewhere whilst the rest of the family met my newborn and I popped along when I could. Wouldn't happen.

I can't believe how cruel and downright nasty some of the replies on this thread are

OP your mum sounds like a nasty piece of work, deliberately rubbing it in with regards to such a delicate subject to you. YANBU and I would probably do as a previous poster suggested and just change the pictures myself

Your mum sounds like she's taking such joy from something that upsets you deeply, something my mil does, but over something nowhere near as traumatic.

Thinking of you xx

YANBU to feel like that but for your own sake I wouldn't get into a tug of war with a woman who likes to be in control about whether or not she can have certain photos on display...it doesn't sound like an easy fight to win. However, could you try a different tact and talk to your mum about the birth and the trauma afterwards and how you felt and still feel. And then at some point in the conversation slip in that there is certain triggers that take you back to that time of trauma, for example, seeing those photos. Ask you mum for advice about how to get over it and move on...she may even suggest changing the photos in frame herself. That would of course depend on her being an emotionally aware and supportive parent and I'm not sure she is based on what you've said.
Well done for coping with all this, it sounds like you've had a rough ride .

Evil. Triumphantly goading your own daughter that while her life was in danger you got to hold her baby first. Not listening when she tries to describe her distress. Not showing empathy for someone going through a horrendous experience. Sounds pretty evil to me. And i extend it in small part to all the "just get over it" posters.

YABVU.

"DH and I should have been first to meet her"

You shouldn't have let them into the hospital room, then. You should have told everyone "No visits the first day" or some such and cocooned yourselves in newborn bliss, if that is how you felt about it.

"I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did"

So? "Don't like" doesn't mean you can tell people to delete precious photos of the first time they saw her. She is a close relative they will each have a personal relationship with, not a thing you own.

Try to see it as "I met her before as I felt her move and she heard my voice" etc. And chill.

For perspective, I had a horrendous birth with DD and barely saw her the first few weeks of her life. Others bathed her, changed her, put her to sleep, etc. I learned to change her nappy when she was three weeks old.

Get a grip and move on, is my well-meaning advice.

You need to get some counselling for the birth trauma.

For your own peace of mind, finding a way forward and not going back over the same ground over and over again, will be a healthier way forward for you.
Get a debrief about your labour and delivery; satisfy yourself that you understand why things went the way they went.

Then move on.
Enjoy your DD.
Don't satisfy your mother's need to rub things in by engaging with her on this.

I hope you find a way to move on from this.