To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

OP, I know how you feel and I am sad you are getting such a hard time on here.

I didn't get to meet my baby properly until after 5 hours of surgery (on me). I asked specifically in my birth plan that only my DH should be with her if I needed resuscitation or additional care - my pregnancy had not been well-managed and I had concerns that I wasn't being listened to about the severity of a pre-existing condition and its potential for impact on giving birth. Unfortunately I was proved right.

My birth plan was ignored and I was wheeled out of surgery to be faced with MIL (who wangled her way in to the recovery area by pretending to be my mum) refusing to hand over my lovely new baby because she had a balloon for me and wanted to give me the balloon, then take DD home with her. The midwife had to practically rugby tackle my baby away from her in the end so I could meet her. I had my first moments with my DD utterly ruined, we didn't bond for about six months and I now have anxiety attacks if a balloon gets too close to my face. I don't know if they have photos from the 5 hours that I wasn't there. I suspect they do, but they have at least found some shred of decency within themselves to not share these with me or the wider world.

I think birth trauma is still very much misunderstood and there is definitely a culture of 'you have your baby, doesn't matter how unwell they are, how unwell you are or what's happened to you'. This is not to take anything away from those who have had perinatal losses or miscarriages or SUDI or the significant injury or death of a child at any age. It's all awful and very difficult to truly understand unless you've been there, or unless we all keep talking about it, and listening with an open mind and goodwill. for everyone.

clock. Hugs to you and thank you for your thoughtful and sensitive post X

clock, what a complete and utter empathy-free piece of shit your MIL is Wow, I was literally wincing when I read your post.

onwards and upwards - but for you to feel like you had to fight to hold your baby after all that - its bought tears to me eyes

curses on your evil MIL! are you even talking to her??

Clock, what a nightmare your MIL sounds, just when you think youve heard it all about crazy parents and in-laws, she thought she could take your baby home with her, dear god! What does your DH make of it all?

Thanks Lorelai, stop and Laguna. I don't want to hijack the thread but thank you for recognising my MIL as the piece of work she is. DH is great about managing her behaviour for the most part but in the chaos of the situation let that one through. I can't even remember where he was at that point! Just goes to show how some moments and memories really stick with you and others just go. The human mind, eh?

Oh clock that sounds awful. What a terrible thing for your MIL to do business hugs to you and hope you are doing okay now. Those first few days/hours with your baby are a vulnerable period at the best of times never mind after major surgery. That must have been really awful.

Hope you are okay OP xx

Big hugs, not business hugs!

I think birth trauma is still very much misunderstood and there is definitely a culture of 'you have your baby, doesn't matter how unwell they are, how unwell you are or what's happened to you'.

This with bells on.

I loathe the "as long as baby is ok that's all that matters".

Fuck you to anyone who says that. I was so ill after DD, it affected so much of my life thereafter and I am bloody important I am not just a vessel for carrying children to be disposed with once I've done my job (can you tell it's a sore spot for me)

I think this is a bit of both. I think you are responding emotionally, which is entirely reasonable, but not necessarily logically or rationally. I can completely understand how you feel, missing that early bonding can be traumatic and it probably feels like someone has taken it away from you.

Consider the following:
How delightful for your child that she was with loving family members when she couldn't be with you, instead of on her own in a hospital. How lovely for your family too. They were not trying to take anything away from you, but I'm sure they would be understanding if you explained how you are feeling. 7 months isn't long, and talking through your feelings might help as it sounds like this was traumatic for you. I went through something similar when I had my first baby and we ended up in different hospitals and it took me a long time to feel less upset about it.

Rather than asking them to delete the photos, why not explain that it was a bit upsetting that they got to meet her first, and while you know you are being slightly irrational and you don't begrudge them the chance to meet her, you might need some time to start thinking less emotionally about it.

Make sure you remember that no one can take away the fact that you're her mum and will share numerous magical, wonderful milestones with her. Try to make this something positive - your daughter had loving family to gaze at her and make sure she was ok when you couldn't do it yourself. Above all, take care of yourself and be well X

op
you are being silly

YAB over sensitive. It's not important. Get copies of all their pictures and treasure them.

I'm sorry. I too don't understand why this makes you so upset but do you think that once this is not so raw, you might regret having the pictures deleted?

OMG, I would be insane with anger that they got to meet her first before you, let alone the photos! But I banned everyone from the hospital until it turned out I would have to stay for a few days and even then it was at least 18 hours after the birth that they came.

I had an emergency C section under GA. My Mother and husband were allowed in to meet DS while I was still under. My Mother took a picture of me and DS tucked under my arm part of my boob is visible. I felt this was a bit off but didn't say anything she has now put it in a frame and has it as her screensaver!!! Aargh

I think your family were massively out of order for meeting your baby before you. Please see your gp if you are struggling to bond or feeling down about everything.

They took the pictures on your behalf. Imagine if something had gone wrong and you DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A PICTURE? Stop being mean.

I think if you let them know how you feel about it then if they understand they will not show them on social media but I don't think you can ask them to be completely deleted just ask them not to be public.

As a family member I would never take it upon myself to post pics of someone's wedding/birth or special event without them showing it first or asking. I just think that's family etiquettes

Shortly after my daughter was born by c section I fell asleep with exhaustion and woke up to find she'd been cup fed, dressed etc. I am sad I didn't get to do that but sadder that there is no photographic record for me to see. I suspect you'd feel upset either way actually. It may be that you're also dealing with not having a more usual birth. None of this has affected my long term relationship with my Dr, nor my ability to breastfeed so just enjoy those pics and your child.

I do not think you are being unreasonable. My baby was taken away after an emergency section and by the time I saw him he was washed & dressed in a (lovely) blue out fit provided by the hospital. I just kept thinking, who bought it, where did it come from... looking back it was unreasonable but it hurt & impacts on bonding. Anything that happens during the time you are not able to be with your baby should be managed sensitively. I understand why you find the photos so painful.

I don't understand what the OP expected the hospital to do. Ensure that no one cared for the baby until the mother had fully come round.

After my son was born my mum had to give him his first bottle and change his first nappy and honestly I was just glad that someone who loved him was there to do as opposed to a nurse.

As we all know maternity units are busy places and perhaps the hospital couldn't spare the staff to care for the baby and seeing as the family were there allowed them to do it.

Whatever the reason I totally agree that probably the OP would benefit from some kind of counselling, if for no other reason than to have an impartial person be able to talk things through with her.

Bizarre that people are giving the OP a hard time.

I don't think it matters whether it is U or not- there are occasions where how you feel matters, irrespective of whether those feelings are reasonable. In your shoes I'd just talk to your mum about how you feel and explain that, at the moment, the photos upset you because they remind you that you weren't with your baby for those first moments (leaving open the possibility that you might feel differently in future, which you might). No need to say anything about it upsetting you that she met your baby first. You could even give her a nicer pic to display instead. I think any reasonable person would happily comply (if it were me, I'd also be apologising profusely for causing upset). If she won't do it, then at least you know where you are and can move on. Your feelings about your baby's birth are far more important than her feelings about a photo, reasonable or unreasonable.

OP you are being ridiculous.

I didn't get to hold my second baby until she was 6 days old and had had major surgery and we were kept in Separate hospitals. Enjoy your time with your daughter and don't spend another second being annoyed over such crap.

I loathe the "as long as baby is ok that's all that matters"

Couldn't agree more. I suffered birth trauma and could quite honestly punch people who say this.

YANBU, OP. Birth trauma is very real and can be utterly debilitating. I hope you're getting the support you need.

Are you able to tell your mum how you feel? Would your DH do it for you? If she is not going to start treating you with respect and consideration, I would cut off contact. She obviously has no idea how deeply her words are wounding you. If she does know, and continues to do it, then definitely go NC.

Massive hugs to you

OP, YANBU. Not everyone will understand how you feel about these pictures, because they have not been in your shoes.

Some of the posts on this thread aren't kind, or helpful. I'm not sure if this is a place to come for support, or just to get your feelings trampled over - as some of the responses are really inappropriate. Perhaps there should be another forum, or may be some of the posters just need to remember they are replying to real people, not competing for the glibbest word bite.

A loss is a loss, and we all react to things differently. If the pictures upset you, then why not ask your family to keep them private and/or ask your OH to have a word with them. I don't think a bit of sensitivity should be too much to ask. Over time, you may (or may not) feel differently, and want to see those pictures. But I can understand why you don't want that reminder in your face now.

Not the same, but my child had a serious medical condition when born and was rushed off to another hospital. The midwife took a picture and gave it to me. It was a lovely thought, and I'm very grateful to her now, but it still really upset me at the time - I can't really explain it but it was this little picture of a very ill baby and all I had to hold onto (not the birth experience I had been expecting). Our feelings are complex, as are our memories, and how we make sense of sometimes very painful things. Things you can't rush.

I hope you find a solution that works for you, and your family. Although you will never get those precious first minutes back, you will have lots of other lovely memories and times. So hard, but try and focus on those.

YANBU because this is nothing to do with who met her first.

Its because your mother uses it against you, as if she won some competition that you werent even aware that you were competing in.

However, knowing that it hurts you and pisses you off clearly gives her a boost, so I would suggest that your best bet is to not respond when she tries to needle you, and scale back your contact with her to the bare minimum. She has "Narcissist" written all over her, and you can never win with them, all you can do is stop feeding their crazy.