To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child, I am sorry for your loss Navy.

Birth trauma is a thing though and something that people often find it hard to discuss, it can contribute to PND and can last for years. I tried to have counselling offered by the hospital after mine and it ended up being a botch job of consultants trying to cover their arses (ds is disabled, although we were only just starting to realise this at the time) it just made everything worse. Loads of people do swear by counselling though.

Maybe I am projecting, but the op said they both nearly died, a birth like that can have a lasting effect, and if there is tension with the mother then that can make everything worse. I think we all project a bit of ourselves when reading a po

Navy I really feel for you losing your child, I really do. But you can't compare the two situations. People have a right to be upset about various things without other people competing for how upsetting it is.

Different situations "destroy" different people. Your child dying destroyed you and for someone else, missing the moment where their child was born and someone else getting to meet them first, may destroy them. We're all completely different so while that may not effect you in anyway, for another person it may have a profound effect on them, and possibly their ability to bond with the baby further down the line - therefore adding to them feeling destroyed by the whole situation.

I can't tell you how I'd feel if I lost my child - it would be insulting to you for me to pretend otherwise. Just like you don't know how it feels to miss your baby being born, so minimising how the op feels with many posters telling her to get a grip is quite unkind.

Navy my grief Olympics comment related to your post saying the OP and similar posters should not be upset because you've experienced so much worse i.e.

"A poster said she would be destroyed if anyone had seen her baby before her or her husband.

No she wouldn't. Holding or seeing your dead child is something that actually destroys you"

How would you feel if someone came onto your thread saying pull yourself together because they lost twins and losing two babies actually destroys you?

Sorry but YABU and rather precious. My parents and sister met DS1 before I did as I was in theatre but it has never occurred to me to be bothered. It is worrying that you still feel like this 7 months later. Do you think you might need some counselling because of the (presumed) traumatic birth. Most NHS hospitals offer this, not sure about private but worth asking your GP.

You are being given an incredibly hard time here OP. Im quite shocked.

The most emotionally balanced, chilled out person I know had a crash section with her first DD and was and is very sad that she wasn't there to meet her baby.

She is normally very open emotionally and finds it hard to discuss and don't think she would welcome reminders all the time tbh.

OP I also read you have a controlling mother. That also makes things quite different. If my mother came in and 'took over' in that situation, which she would, I would be devastated in that situation and take a long time to forgive her.

Your mother will not prioritise your feelings at a very difficult time in your life and that is the crux of the issue.

OP I 100000% emphasise, and I am sorry you feel this way

and, I think when the trauma has receded you might regret deleting them

My friends 3 year old daughter of brain cancer the day after she had given birth to another little girl. For years I'd say to her 'not that I'm going through anything like you did'. One day she said to me, 'you're right you're not going through anything like I did but you are going through something equally as bad and I think it's a nightmare'. You are going through hell.

After that I never said it again because she made it very clear my heartbreak and upset should not be lessened because of her experience in life.

Op- I totally understand your feelings

I'm so sorry that some posters have troden all over your experience

Dontyoulovecalpol

shame on you, fucking for real. shame shame SHAME for allowing an internet argument to actually allow you to type that phrase to someone who has lost a child.

Jesus, what have people come to? is an argument online and being right SO FUCKING Important THAT IT ALLOWS people to type that?

What the fuck are you on about?

calpol, maybe its unfortunate posting but read backwards

at 07:41:13 you said "Doubt it. Anyway this isn't the grief Olympics"

this was directly after a post before yours saying "Holding or seeing your dead child is something that actually destroys you. I have done both. And I wasn't one to say get a grip but I wonder if those who did have also lost a child too?"

if this was a mistake, or posted in error I strongly suggest you get that post deleted as from, reading the screen, it look like you made a scathing comment about grieving to someone who shared they had lost a child.

That post was saying that other people saying get a grip potentially did so because they lost a child which is more important than a traumatic birth. Ergo, shut up whinging you have a healthy baby so be happy. Insensitive, unemphatic and competitive grief. I stand by my comments and don't understand your massively OTT response at all

Wow at these posts. Just wow.

OP, a friend of mine had an incredibly traumatic birth with her DS when we were both pregnant 5 years ago. She spent such a long time feeling dreadful, as though she'd failed him somehow, beating herself up and feeling inadequate. It's taken her some time to come around to the idea of PTSD but has recently sought help and from the very little I know about it, the counselling seems to be helping her enormously.

People seem to think "just get on with it" and "you're both alive, what are you complaining about" are acceptable things to throw at someone going through a hard time post-birth. There's no limit on grief or trauma; what's upsetting to you might not be to the next person. But that doesn't lessen the absolute awfulness you've experienced. None of us can know what's right for you, really, but I'd look into finding some help.

I think that sometimes, on here comments should be managed a bit. Especially when it comes to someone who has lost a child, maybe it better to back off rather than continue to argue with them. As your comment and complete lack of empathy clearly shocked her. But I am OTT - okaaaay

But you clearly don't give a fuck, so yeah. OK -

and apologies to Navy for this too, you don't need this really.

*Navy my grief Olympics comment related to your post saying the OP and similar posters should not be upset because you've experienced so much worse i.e.

"A poster said she would be destroyed if anyone had seen her baby before her or her husband.

No she wouldn't. Holding or seeing your dead child is something that actually destroys you"*

Your grief Olympics comment was disgusting, absolutely disgusting, typing that to someone who has lost a child just because you have opposing views. No-one is saying birth trauma feelings arent real and they should be dealt with but having a live child is always a better outcome than a dead one, no matter how traumatised you are by the birth.

I cant believe anyone typed that.

Insensitive, unemphatic and competitive grief. I stand by my comments and don't understand your massively OTT response at all

You don't understand a bereaved mother giving her experience to try and give a bit of perspective, regardless of whether you think she is right or wrong, having a reaction to your twisted 'grief olympics' comment?

And you call Navy insensitive.

OP you have all the power in this situation. Tell you mother the photos come down, or are destroyed, whatever you want. If she refuses tell her to enjoy the photos as she won't being seeing the baby again. Don't let her take the lead. Just remember you are in the driving seat not her. I think you might start feeling a whole lot better if you make a stand. Good luck.

The 'grief Olympics' comment is fucking disgraceful. Stand by it all you like. Makes you like a massive wanker. Massive.

Op everyone deals with things differently. When I had my twins one was with me but the other resuscitated and I didn't meet her for 6 hours. When I asked for a photo the midwife said "well, she looks like this one." They were identical twins but not really the point. I'm upset I don't have any photos of dd3 in those first hours after birth. But that doesn't mean I'm right and you're wrong.

In your position I would try to see it that they saw dc first but they took pictures to share it with you so you didn't miss out. You are your baby's mum and that isn't judged on who saw her first.

OP, YADNBU

This V V

I second this:

"Next time she starts just tell her straight 'Yes mum, it's so lucky for you I nearly died - does that make you happy knowing that? It sounds like it does'. And when she says about how she bathed your dd 'Yes mum because I was reviving from major surgury - that makes you happy too that I was in pain doesn't it?' And when she goes off at you just say 'why it's you who keeps bringing it up how great you think it is.......'

YANBU. I would definitely suggest some counselling for you so that you can get help to deal with your birth trauma. It's really important so that you can move on and be able to handle your mother. Your mother sounds awful tbh, revelling in the fact that because you had such a traumatic experience it meant she got to hold your newborn first. What a nasty, cruel, heartless bitch. I would take the photos down myself. Whenever she brings it up or goes on about how they are her favourite, I would call her up on it and how it's pretty disgusting how she's so excited about being able to have these experiences when her own daughter was recovering from almost dying."

and calpol, I am really truly sorry you had a terrible time too.

gawd, lets all make love not war, fucking hate AIBU sometimes and how it pits people against each other

Dont, your comments are disgusting and I've reported them.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Disgrace.