To keep bailing out DS and rude GF

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Been a lurker for a while ,but first post. Please be nice to me!

My DS21lives with his GF in the same town as us. He works hard but has a hand to mouth existence on MW . They don't have children. She doesn't work . She was ill for some time - mentally but would not seek help and so couldn't claim any support as ESA needed medical evidence. Last year after a row , GF was not speaking to me and has not since , despite me apologising for my part. She is selfish, with things she does together eg in their home . He has told me stuff which makes me feel it's not a balanced relationship , despite him working all hours, she doesn't keep house , arranges stuff to suit her not both of them. I have discussed with my DS him moving out to his own place- said I would help him do so ,but he worries for her health if he did.
We don't have a lot of contact with DS , just when they have crises it seems, which is getting wearing , but even more so because of her as I feel her lifestyle makes crises more likely eg this time it was a vet bill for her rodents and unexpected bank charge.
So last contact was for more money yesterday . Reluctantly I agreed to give them some money after pointing out to him that I was essentially funding her lifestyle . I contacted them this am to arrange to meet to give it to them. I texted GF as DS does not have phone they share hers. "I have some money for DS how can he get it? " The answer arrived a few seconds later. " put it in an envelope and pop through the front door" ( of the shared house they live in) . No thanks , no consideration of risk of losing money and I now know she suggested that way so that she did not have to see me.
Email conversation ensued, clear she doesn't want any face to face contact with me - just my money it seems. Very depressed about her attitude and that DS is with her despite this. It seems I am blaming everything on her , I am not he is part of this , an adult , making his choices and as I said seems to come only when he needs something.
I feel for my son and don't want to think of him hungry going to work but really do not feel like supporting her any more, and can't support him through a crisis of their making without supporting her. AIBU thinking this way? Would it BU to just stop after this having agreed to give him some cash (£80) which I don't think despite the horrid email train this am would BR . Frankly I just wish to relationship would end , can't see it surviving long term.

Three against one in the persuasion stakes would not be good I think right now.
Please don't tell me that her mother is trying to persuade your to lend her daughter money.

I am quite worried for you right now.

What stuff is she arranging to suit her and not them?

They both have contempt for you.

All they want is your money.

Your ds is a man now. You should let him be one instead of trying to rescue him all the time.

Step back. Let him grow up. No more money.

I am glad that you are telling them "no". Different if your DS/they want to come round for a meal, but I would not give them any cash whatsoever. And I would suggest to her mother that she does the same.

What is the girls mother saying? Why is she getting involved? It sounds like you are dealing with little children. Your son needs to come to his senses and get out quick.

Persiancat seems like it from her text. Right now I am standing firm , reiterated that I will invite both for occasional meal if GF is polite and civil but no cash. Thank you for your concern.

I honestly can't believe this woman has got the cheek to tell you to give HER daughter money.

I am absolutely disgusted her mother would treat you like that.

As you know you must stay strong though as if you give in now you will always be giving in.

Also if HER mother wants to give her the money that is down to her but to expect you to is taking the piss.

Please take care.

Op, you're too kind. And I'm sure taking a stand like this goes against your maternal instincts and your natural disposition to want to help.

I really hope your ds finds happiness and that his gf does too but without bleeding you dry.

Well done for being firm and resolved.

Wow, how rude of her mother. I am so sorry for you.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Stay strong.

I think it is so outrageous, some people reading this might think it a script from Eastenders or a DAily Mail special. But it's not , I swear , it's all true. I sent my text a good couple of hours ago now and not heard anything back I am glad to say. Hoping she will back off.

It is outrageous and not "normal" behaviour at all IMO.

2Bees that is honestly one of the most outrageous things I have read on MN. the GF demands money, you say no, then she tries to guilt you out of it by saying she is scared of you so you say no again and finally, she gets her mother involved.

what on earth does it have to do with her mother. what is her mother going to say to you "you have to give them money"

You need to back right away from this now you really really do. stop engaging in any sort of way with either the girlfriend or the mother. don't text them back and don't reply. speak to your son directly and him only.

if this is the way they carry on then I am very concerned about possible abuse of your son.

You absolutely must not give over any more cash. did you work out how much they had had over the years and were you surprised by the amount?

Don't have any more conversations with either the GF or Mother. you need to let this settle down as really they are bullying you and you need to go completely no contact with both of them.

What has happened in the last few hours? Apologies-I've been reading this on my travels.

The girlfriend said she wanted you to drop money through the letter box.

You said no and then said to your son that they should come round to get the money.

He said he sold the phone you bought him.

Then, his girlfriend has text you saying she's scared of you.

Then, his girlfriend's mum has contacted you wanting a meeting with you, her and them. Did you contact her first? What the hell is she asking you to do that she herself can't?

Is that the timeline?

I think he/she/both are taking drugs.

I think you should stop talking about her negatively at all to him, stop giving them money and just be kind to him (who is ultimately your priority) letting him know you'll be there for him but not as a bank.

What did you/he say when he told you he'd sold the phone you bought him?

Let him make his own decisions and support him emotionally whatever he decides. He needs to make his own mistakes and come to his own conclusions about the relationship. If the relationship ends up working well (despite initial difficulties) and being long term, you will have a very poor relationship with her (and potentially any grandchildren) as you have clearly judged her negatively. She won't forget. You can tell them that you are willing to support them emotionally but you are very sorry as you cant keep giving them cash as you need it (savings for old age or what ever). Stop offering advice or judgements. Just enjoy their company when you see them. Invite them for the odd meal at yours. Go for a nice walk together. Try to get to know her

Sorry thought id read the whole thread but hadn't

Book yourself a holiday or buy yourself a treat, spend the money on yourself

Do not give them one single penny more

Pets are luxuries, not necessaties

If you want to spend on your son, keep this to birthday, Christmas and buy a gift, do not give money

What happened to manners and a thank you that costs nothing !

I agree with the others that you should stop funding them - they are adults. However I also think that if you were my DP's mother, who called my doctor without my permission and frequently encouraged my DP to leave me, and were texting my mum then I'd have a problem being civil too (but I'm stubborn and gobby) You seem over invested and a bit controlling. Your son is an adult, he can go to the CBA on his own if he wants to find out what he's entitled to. Also, why bother texting her mum? Just ignore it and leave it. Why try and force her to come and play nice? Just help your son out if that's what youve decided to do and don't attach all these weird fake clauses on. I think maybe my view is slightly tainted because of my MIL.

At the same time I also am with the poster who said about your sons version of events. If he's just ranting to you, then you only get the bad bits and need to take that into consideration. Regarding the phone, I've sold jewellery when things were tight but it was a decision DP and I made together- my mother did t see it like that though. How do you know that they didn't both, as a couple, decide to sell the phone for whatever reason?

I think you need to tell your son that you're there should he need it but explain that cash is no longer part of that support. Other than that I would take a huge step back. He won't leave until he's ready to, emotionally abusive relationship or not.

They will never take responsibility/sort out their problems whilst you keep bailing then out. You're ds will have to decide for himself if he wants to be permanently skint with a partner who doesn't contribute. You keep contributing and he didn't have this dilemma does he? Never give them money again

Did they come round, OP?

Outrageous that her mother should try to make you give them money - let her do it herself if she wants to.
My DS had a girlfriend who tried to persuade him to sell his flat so that they could live on the equity whilst she kept her own flat. Her family also put pressure on him to sell but fortunately two sales fell through. They did eventually split up (she was a drinker with a cocaine habit) and he would have lost everything.

I'm hoping that she's roped her mum in to the meeting as a cover for the "I'm scared of you" stance. I hope to god it's not so her mother can say you need to lend them money.

A bit of background for you Sweetpea I didn't raise it before but it might help you understand why I posted I might go with him to the CAB . He has dyspraxia this means it's more difficult to get himself organised. This might explain why he is in the relationship he is. What is controlling to most might be comforting to him as he doesn't have to do much organising by himself. However there is a line when one person doing stuff becomes a controlling relationship.
As regards trying to get him to leave his ,DP he brought it up long before I did. More than l a year ago before I he food throwing. She has done many things since which has made him think of it again but for one thing I think he loves her , for another moving puts him out of his comfort zone.
I called her doctor when she was ill getting very very thin , refusing to eat, just drinking sips of water . Then threw in a fit all their food out of their room threw an open window on to the rail line. I was genuinely worried about her behaviour. I hoped the DR could help. Don't think they did anything sadly. At the same one I also called her mother , first in fact through that was a waste of time.
Regarding the phone I blame both of them not just her. I had though specifically bought it so my son could contact me. Somewhat miffed about that.
So I certainly did not make the first contact with her mum . Yesterday I found she had texted me wanting this meeting .i replied negatively explaining my side of the story. I have not contacted since and don't intend to. I don't make contact at all generally I found the number when mum first three her out and it appeared that she was moving into our house which I put a stop to straight away.
In fact as you suggest I have stepped back He knows the door is open if he wants it. Told him several times in the last few days.

Those suggesting that they shouldn't have their rat pet are being unreasonable as pets are good for mental health and once you have their cage, they are very cheap to look after.

However, I would be surprised if they money wanted was actually going to be spent at the vets. £80 seems alot for one treatment (it cost me £50 for an operation on a gerbil, though that was 6 years ago).