To keep bailing out DS and rude GF

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Been a lurker for a while ,but first post. Please be nice to me!

My DS21lives with his GF in the same town as us. He works hard but has a hand to mouth existence on MW . They don't have children. She doesn't work . She was ill for some time - mentally but would not seek help and so couldn't claim any support as ESA needed medical evidence. Last year after a row , GF was not speaking to me and has not since , despite me apologising for my part. She is selfish, with things she does together eg in their home . He has told me stuff which makes me feel it's not a balanced relationship , despite him working all hours, she doesn't keep house , arranges stuff to suit her not both of them. I have discussed with my DS him moving out to his own place- said I would help him do so ,but he worries for her health if he did.
We don't have a lot of contact with DS , just when they have crises it seems, which is getting wearing , but even more so because of her as I feel her lifestyle makes crises more likely eg this time it was a vet bill for her rodents and unexpected bank charge.
So last contact was for more money yesterday . Reluctantly I agreed to give them some money after pointing out to him that I was essentially funding her lifestyle . I contacted them this am to arrange to meet to give it to them. I texted GF as DS does not have phone they share hers. "I have some money for DS how can he get it? " The answer arrived a few seconds later. " put it in an envelope and pop through the front door" ( of the shared house they live in) . No thanks , no consideration of risk of losing money and I now know she suggested that way so that she did not have to see me.
Email conversation ensued, clear she doesn't want any face to face contact with me - just my money it seems. Very depressed about her attitude and that DS is with her despite this. It seems I am blaming everything on her , I am not he is part of this , an adult , making his choices and as I said seems to come only when he needs something.
I feel for my son and don't want to think of him hungry going to work but really do not feel like supporting her any more, and can't support him through a crisis of their making without supporting her. AIBU thinking this way? Would it BU to just stop after this having agreed to give him some cash (£80) which I don't think despite the horrid email train this am would BR . Frankly I just wish to relationship would end , can't see it surviving long term.

Anyone else thinking the phone was sold, rather than mysteriously 'breaking', shortly after OP kindly took the contract out for him?
Yep.
I was an addict in another life and I would advise you that everything you've described along with the mysterious broken phone throw up huge red flags to me. I would be looking into any possible substance use, I may be totally wrong but having been there myself I don't think that I am.

If you keep bailing them out they are never going to learn bank of mum is no longer opened stand your ground and don't let them pester you

Sorry, I've only just read that the phone was sold. Please bare what I've said in mind op, if there are drugs involved you need to know as soon as possible

I completely agree with the pp who point out the MH issues are not a free pass to behave badly or for rudeness. I have a Dss who is diagnosed autistic and attends a specialist school. This does not permit him to behave badly/shout/have temper tantrums. Yet he behaved like this at home with his DM. He has since moved to live with his DF and I and miraculously, these behaviours do not happen as we would not tolerate it.
My DH has such severe BPD he receives a PIP. Yet he is not given a green card to be abusive or controlling to me or our dcs (although, he does try the controlling thing if he thinks he can get away with it - which he can't, I would not stand for it for 1 minute)
Mental Health conditions do not mean you can behave just as you wish and blame the condition. That's a cop out. Everyone bar those suffering from psychosis or disorders requiring hospitalisation have the ability to make choices about how they behave. This young woman sounds highly manipulative and quite lazy. When I say lazy, I don't necessarily mean work I mean too lazy to get the help she says she needs. - if she needs it. Just because you have a mental health issue, it does not mean you cannot be a complete and utter controlling twunt as well. The two things are not mutually exclusive. !

My main reason for believing she is controlling is the phone issue. There are several red flags here. 1. What 21 yr old does not have a phone. ? Seriously ? He works for FS, why hasn't he bought himself a £10 Payg ? 2. If you were paying the contract, why would they sell the 'free' phone and keep the one that she has, which I presume they have to pay for ? - Even if they sold his one because it was ,say, a new iPhone that they could get 100's for, he could then at least have put the sim in any second hand cheap phone and had a paid for method of communication, you would keep paying the contract and have been none the wiser. You can pick up a smart phone for £30 second hand ! - Without a doubt, She is controlling all communication.

Benefits wise - forget esa. For what ever reason she won't go down that road. PP are correct, it's either contribution based -she must have worked over last two tax years and paid NI conts up to lower earnings limit. OR based on household income but his wage full time wouldn't disqualify him. What he would be entitled to though on full time NMW is about £110 in Working tax credit every 4 weeks. He could also claim some housing benefit if he rents. He may not get both as based again on household income. He can claim these for both of them.

You do not sound remotely controlling, you sound concerned.

do you really believe that about the mobile phone you gave your son...?....really........i suspect his GF took it and is using it with a new sim card in it.......she sounds manipulative and controlling......stop giving HER money.....if your son is hungry cook him a dinner, do things for him ...not her......when the end up not being able to pay the rent, have him back home MINUS her.....struth hes 21 .....he should be enjoying life not shackeled to a money grabbinf fannylodger!

My kids are young but I think we always as a mum want to help and fix things for them even when they get older. Sadly he needs to stand on his own two feet. If they need the money he needs to come round and ask like an adult.

But you need to stop bailing them out it helps no one.

Correction. ..but his wage full time would disqualify them....

I think I might go with DS if he wants to to CAB , to see if he's getting all he is entitled to .

She sounds like a cheeky git. Stop bankrolling them.

Amazing.

If the DS was a DD there would be cries of LTB, abuse, Womens Aid etc. But because he is male MNers are tying themselves up in knots to jusitfy his GFs behaviour.

Men are victims of abuse too you know.

Why would he need you to go to CAB with him? He is 21. You seem to have quite a low opinion of his ability to run his own life.

Step back! No more money, no more relationship advice. No advice unless specifically requested, and even then think twice before giving any.

Leave him to stand on his own two feet, make his own decisions and face his own consequences. At least for a few months.

"If the DS was a DD there would be cries of LTB, abuse, Womens Aid etc. But because he is male MNers are tying themselves up in knots to jusitfy his GFs behaviour."

Except that this is the MIL posting. Don't most of us MILs side with our children when there are any problems in their relationship? And what is the use in telling a mother that her son should leave his gf?

I'm suspicious of the phone you can pick up a very basic pay as u go one for as little as a £5, most can't cope without a phone, I'd get him one and say even if no credit to keep it on so you can speak directly too him - I'm wondering if girlfriend is suspicious/controlling it suits for him not to have one? If not working then you can get free vets treatment, I'd have thought in a medical emergency they'd have needed the money quickly to save beloved pets - that too is weird, I'd offer to meet them at the vets or to pay vets directly

Because if she is controlling by insisting you see her as well as her son (for money) you have just lost your son.

Because if they do turn up you it will simply be because he needs money it will be as short as humanly possible. She isn't going to let him anywhere near you are any other time. And the only time you will see him will be supervised by her.

Had you insisted on him coming on his own you could have extended it out, "I've just cooked your favorite" got him used to the idea of being away from her from a bit. You can make it clear you are worried about him without being critical of her. But mainly ypu need to Start rebuilding a relationship separate from her. Which if he is in an abusive relationship he absolutely needs. You need to be the headspace.

There is absolutely no reason for you to see her other than payback for being rude to you about the money through the door. You are putting your son into the role of piggy in the middle making his life with her if she is controlling a whole lot harder.

You better be damn confident he will choose you, else you will find this kind of behaviour lessens your bond with your son very quickly indeed. No help at all if the relationship is abusive

I haven't read everything so forgive me if this has been said. But can you meet your son in his work lunch break? Have a chat on your own and either take him a packed lunch or out for lunch. Then you can chat alone and also know he's eaten well.

I suppose it depends on whether GF is really ill - she could just be lazy. And many metal health issues are treatable so it is possible to cope with them.

I have a DD with genuine mental health problems (schizophrenia) who is unable to work. She gets benefits though you probably know that the system is getting tougher and tougher now. Your son's GF may realise this and perhaps that is why she has not tried (or maybe she has, and failed?).

I do help my daughter out with money - but not on every occasion that she asks. I don't want her to get dependent on handouts, it is very important to be capable of budgeting and living within your means. I always offer to buy her clothing or household goods that she needs for birthday and Christmas rather than giving her cash.

Wonder if GF actually sold the phone? My daughter's very manipulative BF persuaded her to sell quite a lot of things I had bought for her, making her think that it was her decision when clearly he just wanted cash.

She sounds like a classic borderline personality. Suddenly shifting from aggressor to victim :!'I'm so scared of you' is her feeling she is losing control of the situation and undoubtedly hoping to push your son's buttons as she feels worried he will side with you.

You have clearly caught her out. The best thing you can do now is be calm, reasonable and accommodating... basically the polar opposite of her. Few men will choose madness over sanity, and I strongly suspect he is at his wits end with her as it is!

What he would be entitled to though on full time NMW is about £110 in Working tax credit every 4 weeks.
Unfortunately not as the OP's son is 21 and you need to be 25 to claim WTC if you are childless.

If you have a SIM only phone and both you and he are on Giff Gaff you can do free giffgaff to giffgaff calls and text for only £5 every 3 months.

Dont give it. BUT don't just say no or criticise. Just say you have just received an unexpected bill forvzxy and cant afford it

Maybe say to your son that if he ever wants to come round for dinner he is welcome but you won't be handing over cash any longer.

Op whatever your son's girlfriend's issue is it's not one you can fix. She sounds like a mixed bag of problems and so, to be fair, does your son. I too would be suspicious of drug use if they're only willing to accept cash from you. I'd suggest you concentrate on keeping the door open to your son and withdraw your financial support. See him on his own if you can and just let him know you're there when he needs you but you will not financially support the relationship. They will never change while you enable the behaviour. While it's true that mh problems affect how people behave they are not a get out of jail free card and a license to treat people however you please. Nobody is obligated to sacrifice themselves on the altar of another person's mh issues. That's not support its just enabling manipulation and abuse. I say that as the child of a mother with bpd. Dont waste your time trying to diagnose her though, just make your rules and stick to them. Don't dance the dance with her. The only way to win the "game" is not to play.

The pressure from her mother has started . I have texted her and explained why I am not going to meet with her and them . Three against one in the persuasion stakes would not be good I think right now.

I think she has been just as much the enabler as I have if not more so and no doubt she is worried that she may end up supporting her DD which she hasn't done for 2.5 years.

Sticking to my rules Flyingelbows thank you for your comments. Yours and others are helping me right now.

Seriously she roped her mum in to get involved and tell you you should give them money?

FGS.