AIBU to expect a thank you for teacher gifts?

[katydid2]

Today is my son's last day at the nursery school where he has spent the past three years. Last week, I gave his teacher what I thought was a very generous thank you gift: a silver-plated picture frame, a voucher for a manicure and pedicure at an expensive spa near the school, and a heartfelt written note with a picture my son drew. I also gave the head teacher an expensive bottle of champagne and a Diptyque candle.

As it's my son's last year, I wanted to give the other teachers and teaching assistants a little gift as well, so I gave them each a goody bag filled with good chocolates, nice hand cream, and a card my son signed. I realised that my gifts were perhaps not the most original or exciting, but I wanted to give each teacher a little something.

Out of the 10 people to whom I gave gifts, two thanked me. The others, including my son's teacher and head teacher, have said not one single word. I don't expect a parade or applause, but a simple thank you would be nice. I don't even expect a hand-written thank-you note (though I always write them), but again some sort of acknowledgement would be nice.

We do live in a very affluent area, but we are not rich. I am a SAHM, we are saving to buy a house, and we spend most of our disposable income on our children's education. Perhaps the teachers are accustomed to getting more expensive gifts and were disappointed with my gifts!? I am genuinely baffled, bemused befuddled, and if I'm honest, very hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

Butteredparsnips I said the OP could spend what she liked but thought the gifts were way OTT and I'd be embarrassed receiving them. Just googled the candle which I had previously never heard of. What a total waste of money. And I think you're probably right about public sector having a cap on the value of received gifts, but so do other organisations. DH worked for huge engineering firm and a corporate bank and there were very strict restrictions on the value of gifts.

How old is your ds OP? End of nursery is aged 4 isn't it? Surely he didn't hand over a bottled of champagne or in fact any of the expensive gifts?

Yeah I'm not sure how he carried it all either.

Katy you have been asked several times now what was said when the gifts were handed over? Surely you were thanked then?

This is going to be a CANCEL THE CHEQUE thread, isn't it

My DD has had a really bad year this year in terms of bullying, both from a child and, more recently from the mother of a child who feels it is permissible for her to intimidate my daughter in the playground before and after school. I have a disability and have recently had an operation and so find it very difficult to get to school and, as my DD is in Year 5, she has been walking to and from school alone - the school is only 5 minutes away. I have had what seems like endless email contact with my DD teacher, who has gone out of her way to make sure my daughter is OK and has supported her, helped her with ways to manage the bullying (as well as dealing with the bully) and generally gone above and beyond the call of duty. BTW this is DC4 and the three older DC have all left school, so I am not being precious about DD. I think I have had more contact with the school this year than I ever had with all 3 older DC.

My point for mentioning this is because most years my DC take in a card for the teacher and a small gift, such as a mug, handbaked goodies etc. However, due to the amount of help I feel the teacher has given both to DC and to me during a difficult time, I bought a small box of chocolates for each TA and my daughter wrote a thank you in a plain notelet, whereas for the teacher, I went out of my way to purchase a Next giftcard. Again, my DD wrote her thanks in an ordinary notelet and I also wrote a thank you on the other side.

I am sure the teacher will thank DD when she gives her the envelope today. I'm not sure whether she will open the gift or not whilst DD is still at school but I am not expecting to receive thanks from the teacher. The voucher, whilst nowhere near as extravagant as your gifts, was far more than I would usually buy but it was because I believe that the teacher has gone way and beyond the call of duty for my daughter (and I'm sure for any other pupil that has needed her input) and I wanted her to know just how grateful and thankful I am that she has managed to end DD's year positively.

OP I do think YABU in your expectations - the teachers will have been handed gifts, gifts will have been put on the table for them and some people, for example childminders, may have handed over gifts for more than one person. If anything, perhaps there will be a note on the noticeboard thanking everyone for their kind cards and gifts, but I certainly wouldn't expect individual thanks - imagine if they got the gifts muddled and ended up thanking someone else for your expensive gift and thanked you for some homemade biscuits? Both gifts have the same value to the teachers, even if you went overboard with what you bought.

I wouldn't say sensitive, I'd say falsely entitled, OP - I'm sure the teacher would have said thank you to your (nursery aged, who must be around 4 and probably can't remember a thank you from your teacher) son. Isn't that enough? The teacher didn't teach you after all, and it was your choice to spend an extravagant amount on presents. I'm sure had you handed them over, you would have got the acknowledgement you 'claim' would be sufficient. Is this present buying about YOU or about thanking the teacher, after all?

Frankly, the way your OP comes across is that you claim to expect a simple thank you, but the mention of the cost of the gifts as well as the fact you think this 'thank you' may have been not been extended to you based on the affluence of those around you casts suspicion over that 'claim'. It rather sound as if you were expected some OTT reaction to your totally OTT present buying.

Your son's teachers may have received 15 or more gifts (and then multiply that for multiple gifts, for those who feel they have to buy more, aka you, OP) all in the space of 1 hour. Your son's teacher may have placed them in a room, to open in their own leisure time (remember, they may still be doing training days, thus just because your SON has finished, doesn't mean THEY have) and therefore cannot come up to each and every one of you and thank you - they may have not opened them/touched them from the moment they carefully placed them out of the way to open in leisure time. Furthermore, there may have been parents who couldn't afford to go OTT or perhaps didn't feel the need buy presents (rightfully a choice) so rather than the teacher glibly thanking people for presents they may or may not have bought, they'd prefer to keep quiet.

Sorry that your post didn't yield the response you wanted - further substantiating your sense of entitlement

Sounds like you thought you were in some sort of competition, OP.

Lorelei - like this

www.helengraves.co.uk/2012/06/21/mummified-cockerel/

Substitute flatbreads for wrapping paper. Et voila!

How did the gift get to the recipient??

OP, if this really happened, i'd think about having the thread removed. Lots of identifying information in there..

I do understand your feelings, but I think you can only expect thanks if you hand the gifts over face to face. The staff will have received probably 30+ gifts and cards, and they still have work to do. If they are t say thank you they should say thanks to the kid who gave them the ugly pot plant too! The gifts are the thank you for work they've done. I'm sure they were grateful for your appreciation.

I agree, also, with the person who said all gifts have the same value to the people interacting with and teaching your child at Nursery school - or indeed at any other school. Remember the old adage: "It's the thought that counts." You might be perplexed to hear, OP, that most of the child's' teachers etc will actually believe that.

You say a simple thank you would be enough, OP. The teachers probably thanked your child as they were given the gifts. Maybe assuming they did would be the best way forward.

I'm guilty of over-gifting everyone at my kids' school (I can't help myself) but I do not expect a thank you. The teacher gift is a thank you; you don't thank people for thanking you.

The joy of giving isn't what you get in return. You should be feeling happy right now that you thanked them for all the hard work they put in to your DC's education. I think the real problem is that you spent quite a lot of money and deep down you know that spending that much has made you feel you need a thank you back, to justify it.
Spend less next time if all it creates is this bad feeling which doesn't even need to be there.

I would say that whoever the gift is to, that if you care this much about the mode of the Thankyou, then maybe you should not give a gift (especially an expensive one), because you aren't doing it with an open heart.

I would be staggered if your son had not been thanked.

We keep getting these thread from people who insist they are teachers, their best friends are teachers, their mother was a teacher but essentially they seem to be suggesting teachers are rude.

It's unbelievable

I'm quite relatively poor. I used to give a bottle of red&white, unless I knew their preference. My DDs teacher had said at the start that she liked red wine, the bus escourt told me that the driver liked larger etc. I gave Asda vouchers on the very last day.

I felt a bit embarrassed when they thanked me.

If a teacher sent Thank You notes, it would cost around £10, for the stamps and the paper waste would be ridiculous.

I think gifts should be edible/drinkable or possibly a voucher. I have an aversion to stuff, though.

And speaking bluntly, you sound as though you don't feel like you've gotten 'good value' for your thank you present money spent. A bit like hard work.

I give teachers a thank you present because I genuinely appreciate the hard work they put in with my DC, and the progress they've made over the year as a result. If I hand them over myself I always get a thank you. If I don't, obviously I don't expect the teachers to seek me out individually and thank me at a later date! That is ludicrous. I want them to take their presents and go off and enjoy their summer.

If you want a big fuss about your expensive gifts, you could always present them in a ceremonial whole school assembly or something

Hey, I think the teachers definitely need to say thank you - not because you gave them a super lovely gift, but because it's good manners- however, ....

I'm a teacher and it is so busy at the end of term, as well as very emotional saying goodbye to all these gorgeous children you taught all year! I taught upper ks2 so most mums were back at work then and would send in their dc with gift before school started in the morning. I always thanked them nicely (some of my year 6 boys would hot foot it out of the classroom door asap though, totally embarrassing situation for them ha!) and before the end of term, my ta and I would always put up a big thank you sign on the classroom door to everyone. Not just for presents but all their support over year. Then I would email class rep with a thank you to forward onto the parents. I did wonder about individual thank you cards in first year of teaching but wasn't sure.

Maybe the OP sent the gifts in on the back of a unicorn

Very generous gifts! Did she thank you at the time and perhaps hasn't thought to say it again?

I think you're spending way too much and possibly coming across as a bit weird. I'd barely expect a Diptyque from my family, let alone what is ultimately a stranger.

My background is in finance, where due to money-laundering, bribery and various other crimes gift-giving and receipt is an absolute no-no, so I really can't get used to this sort of guff. I'd be reaching for the company handbook if someone gave me champagne, spa vouchers, chocolates and beauty gifts. Hell, we'd be practically married!

I see what you mean op I just gave teacher a card and wrote a nice message inside she was very appreciative and considering the gifts you gave I would have expected more thanks.